Am I in the friend zone or not???

NineIronWonder

Ok so i have been texting this girl for awhile and we'd talk about pretty much everything, like even when i wouldnt she would initiate the texting, however i really need to know if iam in the friend zone or not???

So i was out one night and ended up plastered with a few of my friends, I was also texting her. Anyway a few of my friends insisted i find out where i truly stand with her, So i, being in no fit state, asked her where it was i stood the reply was most strange...basically it went like;

'I like u but im not sure in which way, like couldnt imagine us kissing i dont know why but then sometimes i want to tear off your clothes haha i know its confusing but its how i feel...'(not exactly or completely what she said but the general jist)

Ok well thats the jist of the message but my friends have even confused me with one believing i have left everythin too long and am in the friend zone while another believes thats she really into me but is just confused i really dont know how to interpret this. Am i in the friendzone or is she actually into me???

i should also add that there would be a something(like work) that would be a little bit weird if it didnt work out aswell and yes we are still texting constantly anyway...

carly_86

She is def bi

carefulnow99

what did she text back mate? or did she at all?

puglover

Maybe harsh bit here is my interpretation...

NineIronWonder wrote: »

'I like u but im not sure in which way

I only like you as a friend but don't want to say it straight out in case you are hurt/insulted/offennded.

NineIronWonder wrote: »

like couldnt imagine us kissing

Definitely only as a friend

NineIronWonder wrote: »

i dont know why

I do know why, it because I don't like you that way.

NineIronWonder wrote: »

but then sometimes i want to tear off your clothes

I'll just give you a bit of an ego boost to soften the blow

NineIronWonder wrote: »

i know its confusing but its how i feel...'

It's not confusing but I'm too chicken to tell you outright.


IMHO I'd say she likes the attention and the security of knowing she has someone lined up in case she never meets anyone better. SHe probably does like you as a friend but thats it.

Handsome Bob

While I think you may be right Puglover there is just one thing that makes me unsure;

puglover wrote: »

I'll just give you a bit of an ego boost to soften the blow

For me, "I want to tear your clothes off" is beyond trying to give someone an ego boost. An ego boost is more like "you're a great guy and whoever ends up with you will be lucky to have you". She does sound very confused.

OP, ultimately I think Puglover is right. She likes the attention and even if she is confused, you can't wait around hoping that she''ll eventually "see the light." Move on mate.

LegacyUser

yeah well she defo has some feelings for u but i think theres somethin holding her back, like to tell someone you want to tear their clothes is far more than an ego boost but your on the path to the friendzone so your best making a move sooner rather than later

rallye

Its simple, you havent built up enough attraction with this girl.

You have built up lots of comfort but thats worth nothing if you dont build on it.

Ye are texting constantly???? WTF... Dude you are always there for her, if she asked you to drop what you were doing and meet up with her im guessing you would..

You gotta realise what women find attractive in a man;

Non neediness (you were very needy with your text to her)
Confidence (you go after what you want when you want)
You dont place any woman on a pedistal (ie. you dont worship her)
You have a busy fulfilled life
You have options

So for now you are in the friendzone which can be very hard to get out off but is possible..

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

yeah well she defo has some feelings for u but i think theres somethin holding her back, like to tell someone you want to tear their clothes is far more than an ego boost but your on the path to the friendzone so your best making a move sooner rather than later

No it's not, the following it with ha ha, means don't take this seriously!

puglover

rallye wrote: »

Its simple, you havent built up enough attraction with this girl.

You have built up lots of comfort but thats worth nothing if you dont build on it.

Ye are texting constantly???? WTF... Dude you are always there for her, if she asked you to drop what you were doing and meet up with her im guessing you would..

You gotta realise what women find attractive in a man;

Non neediness (you were very needy with your text to her)
Confidence (you go after what you want when you want)
You dont place any woman on a pedistal (ie. you dont worship her)
You have a busy fulfilled life
You have options

So for now you are in the friendzone which can be very hard to get out off but is possible..

I don't agree with all this zone crap, you are attracted to someone or you're not..... simple as.

When you like someone
the texting won't seem needy(you'll be chuffed)
Confidence is always good, lack of it is unattractive, but it doesn't make you more attractive.
Some women like to be placed on a pedestal.
Being busy or fulfilled again doesn't make you more attractive, just a lack of it is unattractive.

Wibbs

puglover wrote: »

I don't agree with all this zone crap, you are attracted to someone or you're not..... simple as.

I agree, but it's the hows and whys of why you're attracted to someone is the thing I think rallye is referring to.

When you like someone
the texting won't seem needy(you'll be chuffed)

Agreed if it's at a mutual level. If he's always texting her first for example, its not so good.

Confidence is always good, lack of it is unattractive, but it doesn't make you more attractive.

I would disagree. Indeed you do yourself. If lack of confidence is unattractive then being confident(not cocky, big diff) is more attractive.

Some women like to be placed on a pedestal.

I agree, but in my experience that doesn't last long and if it does it's her wearing the pants so to speak and sooner or later she'll go off the guy. I have seen that so many times it's not funny. I would say it's among the biggest mistakes young men(and older too) make.

Being busy or fulfilled again doesn't make you more attractive, just a lack of it is unattractive.

Again like confidence, you're kinda disagreeing with yourself.

I do agree with your previous take on the OP's situation. I think she likes the attention and she only likes him as a mate.

puglover

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree, but it's the hows and whys of why you're attracted to someone is the thing I think rallye is referring to.

Agreed if it's at a mutual level. If he's always texting her first for example, its not so good.
I would disagree. Indeed you do yourself. If lack of confidence is unattractive then being confident(not cocky, big diff) is more attractive.
I agree, but in my experience that doesn't last long and if it does it's her wearing the pants so to speak and sooner or later she'll go off the guy. I have seen that so many times it's not funny. I would say it's among the biggest mistakes young men(and older too) make.
Again like confidence, you're kinda disagreeing with yourself.

I do agree with your previous take on the OP's situation. I think she likes the attention and she only likes him as a mate.

I'm not disagreeing with myself. I take it as a given that the majority of people have these, it doesn't mean I am attracted to them all. Doesn't make me any more interested in someone like for example, if they made me laugh or were really considerate or something would.

If they didn't have them it would put me off though.

rallye

@puglover

I have been with enough women and made all the mistakes in the book to know what works and what doesnt

Ive seen girls who made it clear to guys that they were only friends (no attraction) but because of the guys changing their behaviour they ended up "with" each other. Sadly for most lads though they go back to their old ways and the attraction fizzles out again.

puglover

rallye wrote: »

@puglover

I have been with enough women and made all the mistakes in the book to know what works and what doesnt

Ive seen girls who made it clear to guys that they were only friends (no attraction) but because of the guys changing their behaviour they ended up "with" each other. Sadly for most lads though they go back to their old ways and the attraction fizzles out again.

What do you mean by enough? Being with alot of women would suggest to me that you aren't actually that succesful with them.

I'd be more inclined to rely on your expertise if you'd maybe you'd just had a couple of meaningful relationships.

But sure I'm just a girl, my insight into a womans mind couldn't be relied on at all...:rolleyes:

rallye

Ive had two meaningfull relationships but for the last 3 years my job has entailed travelling constantly to different countries... hence the reason for not getting in a relationship..

Infact my last girlfriend is still in touch and has expressed her interest now that i have returned to Ireland so i must have being doing something right...

Your a woman, that explains it all another thing ive learned, a woman will decide what to do based on the emotions she is feeling at that time. Never believe what a woman tells you, instead judge her by what she does and not what she says!

Wibbs

puglover wrote: »

What do you mean by enough? Being with alot of women would suggest to me that you aren't actually that succesful with them.

I'd be more inclined to rely on your expertise if you'd maybe you'd just had a couple of meaningful relationships.

True, but I suppose it's how one rates success too. Some guys rate success by notches in the bedpost, some don't. Whatever floats their boat I suppose.

I've had both, being of the older bloke type:). I've had a few meaningful relationships, some I screwed up on, some they did, or they just fizzled out. I've also had a a few not so meaningful relationships over the last 20 years. In a way I can see both your points.

What have I learned and IMHO? The biggest thing I would say in a successful relationship beyond basic compatibility is equality. Equality of feelings and attraction. Now over a longtermer that can ebb and flow, but if the imbalance goes on for too long, there will be trouble ahead.

Same at the start of a relationship. If the guy is too full on women will tend to back off. I have heard women many times actually say "I thought I liked him, but when I found out he was mad about me it kinda put me off". OK we all have a tendency to want what we think we can't have, but I have found men are less put off by that as a general thing.

I would say putting a woman on a pedestal is fine, so long as you're standing on your own. Without that, she'll like the ego boost, but it won't translate into much more in the majority of cases or won't last long, unless she's a needy type(and no one wants that).

I would also say confidence, emotional balance and strength, social skills on top of being generally OK looking are big attractants for women.

I think the OP has moved into the "friendzone" because he has basically gone along with it. She likes him as a mate and when he asked her what was what, she gave him the non committal answer to be nice and to keep him slightly hooked so that she doesn't lose him as a mate. I will say IMHO way more women do this exact thing than men. Him listening to her answer and still being around is telling her that he's accepting the situation and sticking around. She's right too. He is.

But sure I'm just a girl, my insight into a womans mind couldn't be relied on at all...:rolleyes:

Funny enough and though it sounds a bit strange I would say that advice from women about women when it comes to romancing them, I have found is not that good. I would say looking back among the worst advice I received about attracting women was from other women. Good mates of mine too, with no axe to grind and were genuinely trying to help.

I don't think it's anything to do with women not understanding themselves or any of that guff, I do think it's because men and women's definitions are often different when it comes to romance etc. The obvious one is the "I want a nice guy". "Nice" to many women is a very different concept to many men's idea of it. It describes a wider definition for a start. Therein lies the confusion I think. "Just be yourself" is another one women say more. Genuienly nice sentiment, but largely useless as if him being himself worked he wouldn't be looking for advice.

I would also say that women's attraction is generally more wide ranging and complex than mens as a general rule. It's harder to pin down, even for them as individuals sometimes. They either feel it or they don't kinda thing. They will surprise themselves more than a guy. Ive known women who said(and did) they had a type be suddenly and heavily attracted to a guy that wasn't their type at all and if asked couldn't really explain why. They just felt the "spark" thing. Much more than men IME.

I am not saying men have more insight into what makes men tick, but they generally have a narrower set of "requirements", so it's easier for them to call it.

Basically if I was a woman, I would take mens advice about men, more than I would take women's advice about women as a guy.

Of course as people differ, among the best advice I've received was from a woman mate early on and she wasn't that far off rallye's take.

I take it as a given that the majority of people have these

Funny I would say that many don't. Especially men around women. Sure they can be very forward or very backward, which to me are two sides to the same coin, but solid confidence in themselves is rare enough IMHO.

My 2cents anyway.

Wibbs

rallye wrote: »

another thing ive learned, a woman will decide what to do based on the emotions she is feeling at that time.

I would say there is some truth to that.

Never believe what a woman tells you, instead judge her by what she does and not what she says!

One can say exactly the same thing about men at times.

LegacyUser

this thread has moved off the issue at hand a little has it not...


in any case i reckon that this nineironwonder has gotten himself into friendzone central

LegacyUser

I disagree if she said that she can imagine tearing your clothes of sometimes that would employ some kind of kissing etc so i reckon that she is just confused or something is holding her back from u

NineIronWonder

carefulnow99 wrote: »

what did she text back mate? or did she at all?

yeah wel i was a touch drunk so im not sure what mine or her response was however we do still text all the time this is even more confusing for me now? I think she has me placed in the friendzone although a close friend reckons that iam not its just her thats a little confused about her own emotions for me, i really am confuddled by this all...

Wibbs

If it was me I would just back off. Let her be confused and let her make up her mind on her own. You don't want to force her hand as it were. I reckon that rarely works.

Now it is possible she's confused about her feelings. That's cool, but maybe this is just me, but I figure if someone is confused about her feelings for me, she's probably not that pushed about me.

I know when I was "confused" about my feelings for a woman that was the case and down the line I realised I wasn't really that pushed about her. Though that could just be me projecting my approach onto others of course.

prinz

Think you're a friend OP.I'd be curious to know why you felt the need to find out where you 'stood' with her in the first place. Did she ever lead you to believe it was more than friendship?

carly_86 wrote: »

She is def bi

wtf

puglover wrote: »

What do you mean by enough? Being with alot of women would suggest to me that you aren't actually that succesful with them.

:pac: true wise words, I love it when guys come out with lines like that...'I've been with loads of women'......:pac: but you haven't been able to keep one have ya boss? Same for women taking relationship advice from Sex and the City, a group of verging on middle aged has-beens.

rallye

prinz wrote: »

:pac: true wise words, I love it when guys come out with lines like that...'I've been with loads of women'......:pac: but you haven't been able to keep one have ya boss?

Read my reply and you will see why :rolleyes:

Wibbs

OK lets keep to the OP's issue and less of the sniping.

Polleta

I am a female and know that if I had a guy in the friendzone I would not ever think about ripping their clothes off! If it had fleetingly crossed my mind I most certainly wouldn't be telling them if I just want them to be a friend.

On the confusion piece I have been in a complicated relationship where distance really confused me(I know that is not the case here but bear with me). I told him I was confused about him because I was seriously attracted to him but because we lacked closeness in the physical sense I wasn't sure it was mutual and I wasn't sure how deep it ran. A long time after this he is moving to the same place as me so we can be together. I'm not confused anymore but I was because it wasn't totally clear to me how we could be together. Perhaps she is confused because she had been thinking of the OP as a friend but has recently become attracted to him?!

Really the only way to find out is to have a sober chat with her over coffee about the texts. A face to face chat will really tell you if she was just trying to soften the blow, is genuinely confused or really likes you.

prinz

Polleta wrote: »

I am a female and know that if I had a guy in the friendzone I would not ever think about ripping their clothes off! If it had fleetingly crossed my mind I most certainly wouldn't be telling them if I just want them to be a friend.

I've said things along those lines (albeit not quite so blunt - but with the same general meaning) to female friends. If we both see it as a joke it can mean nothing more. The girl in this case, IMO, has not actually given the OP any reason to believe there is anything more to it from her side, so I'd just drop it, actually she made it pretty clear she didn't in her text, and then made a hamfisted enough attempt to bring humour into probably to dispel the awkward atmosphere.

rallye wrote: »

Read my reply and you will see why :rolleyes:

Sorry, that was a general observation, not particular to yourself.

Wibbs wrote: »

OK lets keep to the OP's issue and less of the sniping.

Apologies Modfather, how can I ever repay the kindness you have shown me? By not posting on this thread again you say? Consider it done.

ciagr297

if she's confused, let her be confused. its her problem and only she can sort it out.

as per other posts have said, i'm inclined to believe she wants you along for the attention you obviously give her. and if she tells you straight out that she's not into you like that, the attention will end.

my advice - be nice and all about it but detach yourself from the situation (and her)