Enter at your own risk. (oldies)

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:00am #1

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it I
thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a
turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said 'Tenpin?' I
said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He
said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my
hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No,
just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went
on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I
said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I
said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside
my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what
had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:01am

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:02am

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:05am

This guy went to court for his divorce, and the judge asked him why he wanted a divorce. The guy said, because I have a two story house. The judge asked him what does a two story house have to do with your marriage. The guy said, everything, one story is, I'm too tired, and the other story is, I've got a headache.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by aeroplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed they were carrying two dead raccoons.

“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” the service rep asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures, “they’re carrion.”

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:07am

On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen notice just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.The other two reached out and pulled the fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, 'I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations.'

She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, 'Who was that?!'

'That,' one answered, 'was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country.'

'Aye,' the harpoonist replied, 'but she knows f**k all about shark fishing.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:09am

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

A chicken in love is poultry emotion.

A Wolf in sheep's clothing is a wear-wool-f.

A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village.
When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded. He replied 'Not guilty Mallard'.

The mushroom is unique, because after it was created, God broke the mold.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:13am

My doctor says I get all stressed out because I let the little things get to me.

In other words, I'm "self-taut"

what's an essex girl's favourite wine?

can we go to lakeside now?

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:13am

Paddy and the Taxman

The Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The

auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand pound that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.."

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:17am

A heartwarming tale of female compassion ...

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.

Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's
shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more
hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...............................but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:20am

There was a smash on the M6 involving a lorry carrying snooker equipment.

There were cues for miles and the driver was under a rest.

Classic Cheers

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. '

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:22am

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs coming up your driveway!

One day God calls down to Noah and says, 'Noah me old China, I want you to make me a new Ark'.

Noah replies, 'No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, 'Ah, but there's a catch', this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other'.

'20 DECKS!', screams Noah. 'Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?'

'Yep, that's right, well . . Sort of right .. . This time I want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

'Fish?', queries Noah.

'Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!'

Noah looks to the skies. 'OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?'

'Check'.

'With 20 decks, one on top of the other?'.

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?'.

'Check'

'Why?' asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

'Dunno', says God, 'I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark''.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:27am

Marriage
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night....... whether you're here or not."

Q: Why do bees hum?

A: They don't know the words.

One day, a guy on holiday in Hamelin walked into a curio shop. Looking around, he notices a life-sized brass sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.

"Twelve euro for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and €1,000 for the story that goes with it."

"I'll take the cat," says the tourist, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the tourist leaves the store with the brass cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of cats is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the brass cat into the river.

Clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the curio shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a brass Man Utd. Supporter"

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:30am

I hear there's a call to have Anglo Irish turned into a brothel to raise the tone of the area and lessen the effect on property values.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two drafts, please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

If you receive an Email from the warning you not to eat tinned pork because of the swine flu outbreak, ignore it.............. IT'S SPAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________

Capt'n Midnight · 06-07-2009 11:31am

What Goes "Tick Tick Woof"?

A Dog Marking Homework

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta!

What do you get if you dip a sheep in a vat of chocolate?

A mars baaa

banquo · 06-07-2009 12:36pm

Did you lose your job?

Sleipnir · 06-07-2009 12:48pm

Q.) Where does a General keep his armies?

A.) Up his sleevies.

ART6 · 06-07-2009 2:22pm

I asked the pharmacist "Have you got cotton wool balls?"
He said "What do you think I am? A feckin' teddy bear?"

Innuendo is an Italian suppository

Enter at your own risk. (oldies)

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