I need some advice, please!

LegacyUser

What do you do when your boyfriend of over a year tells you that he doesn't believe in love?

We've been together since last spring, he's 26 and I'm 21, and a few days ago we had a conversation about moving forward - as in, are things progressing for us? By the end of the whole thing, I'd heard him say to me that he doesn't believe in love, and that he would never say it to me because he could never say that and believe it to be true. I'm at a loss. I care about him deeply, and believe he also cares quite a lot for me, but I'm terribly confused. I completely believe that people fall in love with each other, and am worried now that he simply doesn't love me and the easiest way to get around that is to say he doesn't believe it exists anyway...? Surely this means that he's aware he won't ever love me? And is he simply making excuses for that fact because he's comfortable with the relationship for the time being? I feel a bit like I'm being made a fool of, because my view of relationships has always been that you're with someone to explore the potential of loving them (and they you), along with everything else. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow (I assure you, I've years before I consider that) but I still think I deserve to be loved by my own boyfriend. So what do I do? The relationship is great otherwise - we have a lot of fun together and he's always there for me. But this new knowledge gives me this sinking feeling, and I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting to his declaration or if I really should consider cutting my losses now.

I feel I should add that in that conversation, he said he thinks that we're moving forward, and that short of making an offer of moving in together (noting that we practically live together anyway) or buying a ring, he doesn't know what other big 'stepping stone' there is for us. I'm of the opinion that 'I love you' would be next, and a requirement for any of the rest of them to be reached. So, does he really not believe in love and I should accept that and enjoy our relationship for what it is? Or is he stringing me along and making excuses for not feeling that strongly about me? Or is it too soon to expect him to be falling in love with me anyway?

He means so much to me...any advice?

LegacyUser

Op, I'm not sure what to say to you about this, it's an awful situation to be in and I really empathise with you. Has he ever been hurt or heart broken in the past? Or might he be slightly emotionally cut off?

When I first got together with my ex he used to say the same thing; that he didn't believe in love, that it was a concept invented by card companies for profit or that it was a chemical reaction brought on by human nature and desire to procreate. But only about 3 or 4 months later he was declaring his undying love for me and we spent 5 long happy years in love together. (we broke up in the end due to our differences about kids and marriage.) He was very emotionally cut off from the world when I first met him, and I think it was down to him being bullied a lot growing up and having major trust issues, but he let go with a bit of encouragement and support.

Basically I think with love you know when you know, one can tell you... and if you've been with him for a year and he doesn't know yet... well just remember that you deserve to be loved and if he can't give you that, then he is probably not right for you.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

What do you do when your boyfriend of over a year tells you that he doesn't believe in love?

We've been together since last spring, he's 26 and I'm 21, and a few days ago we had a conversation about moving forward - as in, are things progressing for us? By the end of the whole thing, I'd heard him say to me that he doesn't believe in love, and that he would never say it to me because he could never say that and believe it to be true. I'm at a loss. I care about him deeply, and believe he also cares quite a lot for me, but I'm terribly confused. I completely believe that people fall in love with each other, and am worried now that he simply doesn't love me and the easiest way to get around that is to say he doesn't believe it exists anyway...? Surely this means that he's aware he won't ever love me? And is he simply making excuses for that fact because he's comfortable with the relationship for the time being? I feel a bit like I'm being made a fool of, because my view of relationships has always been that you're with someone to explore the potential of loving them (and they you), along with everything else. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow (I assure you, I've years before I consider that) but I still think I deserve to be loved by my own boyfriend. So what do I do? The relationship is great otherwise - we have a lot of fun together and he's always there for me. But this new knowledge gives me this sinking feeling, and I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting to his declaration or if I really should consider cutting my losses now.

I feel I should add that in that conversation, he said he thinks that we're moving forward, and that short of making an offer of moving in together (noting that we practically live together anyway) or buying a ring, he doesn't know what other big 'stepping stone' there is for us. I'm of the opinion that 'I love you' would be next, and a requirement for any of the rest of them to be reached. So, does he really not believe in love and I should accept that and enjoy our relationship for what it is? Or is he stringing me along and making excuses for not feeling that strongly about me? Or is it too soon to expect him to be falling in love with me anyway?

He means so much to me...any advice?

Firstly OP, I notice that no where in your post do you say you love him .....

To be honest also, sometimes I despair at how people can make problems where there are none. You are not married, not engaged and not living together. You are happy with him and having a great time. So ..... what's the problem ?

Perhaps he has no idea what love is ... ? It's not a flashing light that pops up like a traffic signal . . . sometimes it's not so easy to know sometimes.

Maybe he had a bad experience ? Maybe his parents had a bad relationship ? there could be lots of reasons why he might say that.

I think you should relax and get on with being happy and stop fretting over semantics for now.

VaioCruiser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm guessing the problem is the OP is saying that as her bf says he is incapable of love, or has never been in love, should she stay with someone that isnt in love with her.

Assuming that just because he does not believe in love, that he is not in love with her. I don't buy it. Also this 'requirement' that so many young poeple have on this forum, for people to be in love with us all the time. Where does this come from ? They have been dating a year for goodness sakes :rolleyes: We need some patience here OP.

Gholimoli

OP are you hung up on the actual words of "I LOVE YOU".

can you define what it means to love some1?
you said that he cares about you.do you think he is not caring enough?

what exactly is the issue here?

LegacyUser

galwaybob wrote: »

Deal with it. ffs

That's why she's posting here, to find some advice about how to deal with it.

Anyway, OP you need to ask yourself if you can be happy for the rest of your life knowing that you may never hear those words from that person. Then again, regardless of how insistant he is about not believing in love- he really can't say he'll never say those words. How does he know that for sure?

It took my OH almost 2 and a half years to say he loves me, and even then he very rarely says it. I know that: a) A lot of people wouldn't have waited that long, and b) That is unusual, but neither of us had ever been in a long term relationship before so baring your feelings to someone for the first time is hard. I'd be lying though if I didn't find hearing those words important. I wouldn't be one for soppiness and being overly romantic- but it is important to know that the person you love loves you back.

It's a funny one though, because someone may say they love you, but act very differently in an unloving way. However, I do think that everyone has the capacity to love someone- it's just some people don't want the responsibility of being IN love with somebody, or even having someone be in love with them.

I know for a long time my OH would cringe when I told him I loved him- not because it was soppy, but because it meant that he was somehow more responsible for me and my feelings (he confessed this to me so I'm not assuming this). Maybe your OH feels similarly- it's all well and good being a couple, but to be a huge influence on somebody's emotional wellbeing is something some people feel may be too much for them to take on- and so they can't bring themselves to say those words too.

Skapoot

I was having a random conversation with male friends last night and they believe that women are too hung up on the words "I Love You".

They personally believe that the words are over rated these days and dont mean as much as it should.

They were complaining that if they would want to put their own spin on the words to convey the same message e.g. "You are the mortar to my brick"- it would not go down too well with the woman. (and in fairness, that one is a bit dodgy, but a similar one - "You make me happy".)

Anyways - he doesnt SAY he loves you. But does he show you that he cares about you every day? Does he say nice things to you and does he treat you properly. Actions speak louder than words. You dont need to hear them to know that he cares for you.