Trust issues

LegacyUser

Hi, I badly need some advice before I crack up.

Been very happily married for 4yrs to a wonderful man and usually everything is perfect - but, he has serious trust issues. It all goes back to when we met, I had just come out of a long relationship(ex cheated on me) and wasn't looking for anything serious so when we started going out first I wasnt very committed to it and often cancelled dates and generally wasnt as in to it as himself. So after 6 months he saw sense and broke up with me. We bumped into each other again a few months later and spent the whole night talking, it seemed like a bolt of lightening hit me and I realised what an ass I'd been, to cut a long story short we started seeing each other again, fell madly in love and 2yrs later we got married. During the time that we starting going out again he often voiced that he found it hard to trust me after how I treated him when we were first together, because of this I went out of my way to help him trust me.

Now 6yrs since we got back together he still has issues. I work in a small buisness, there is only 1 man on the staff and if I mention his name or god forbid he texts me(he has only ever texted in relation to work) I am given the silent treatment. Last night some random person rang my phone at 1am, it woke us both up, and this morning he insisted on ringing the number to see who it was, the person rang back, it happend to be a man, now he's barely speaking to me, I dont even know who the man is - yet again I have done nothing wrong and I'm being given the silent treatment, this could go on for a wk as it has done before and eventually he just snaps out of it and acts as if nothing happend at all.

I just dont know what to do, I am utterly devoted to him, and would do anything for him, I dont want to be punished forever for stupid behaviour from 6yrs ago. How do I make him see this, or do you think I'm just going to have to accept that he wont change.

I would be so grateful for any suggestions or advice

LegacyUser

I don't think he is really punishing you for past behavior. He is just using it as an excuse to control you. You say that he started mentioning at the start after you got back with him that he found it difficult to trust you and you have been trying to prove yourself ever since. And now the silent treatment and making you feel guilty for what is essentially his insecurity. It sounds like your husband is what is known as passive aggressive manipulator.

Sorry, I don't mean to come across as a psychologist dishing out diagnoses s when I don't know your husband, but I had a boyfriend in the past who wanted me to constantly prove that I wasn't cheating even though I had given him no reason to think so. I also have a mother who managed to control me with silent treatment and guilt trips for 35 years until I finally coped on that I was being manipulated. Her behavior nearly drove me crazy. It was like walking on eggshells. Anyway, I googled 'passive aggressive' one day and couldn't believe what I was reading, it all made sense. Finally, I knew I wasn't going crazy, I was just dealing with people who had found a subtle way of controlling me.

All I can say to you is, don't get roped into his games. When he starts his accusations tell him that you have tried to prove to him for the last 6 years that you are trustworthy and that it has done no good, so you are now stopping humoring him. You bending over backwards to prove yourself to him is exactly what he wants, he gets to control you...you are dancing to his tune! Break the habit, and don't let him give you the silent treatment. Tell him you won't take it anymore. Take control and tell him to change his behavior because it is ruining your relationship. If he has trust issues for no real reason it is up to him to deal with it, it's not fair to make you responsible for it. He won't stop by himself, he will carry on this way until you put a stop to it. Goodluck.

Terodil

Trust is a very, very precious thing. It's both tougher than steel and more fragile than a delicate flower. When it's intact, you can be thousands of miles away and face up to the most difficult situations, in the firm sense of security that you can rely on each other under any circumstances. When it's damaged, it's exceedingly tough to rebuild; it will never regain its original, pristine strength. It's got nothing to do with an alleged inability to forgive; the deed itself may be easily forgiven; it's this grain of doubt that thoughts latch on to and grow. It's something time does not cure, so 6 years are hardly an argument.

So usually I'd be very wary about calling people 'controlling' after a breach of trust.

In this case, I do, however, agree with the poster above in as far as saying that he's way out of line here. First of all, I even wonder why he's calling it a 'trust' issue after what you've written, OP. It seems to me that initially you just had no agreement if you were together or not, unless more happened that you didn't write, and I'm not going to speculate. In any case, the fact that he's still actively mentioning it to you is not good at all. It really sounds as if he a) hasn't forgiven you and/or b) is using it as a tool against you. Plus his reaction to that nightly phone call is, in my humble opinion, way overboard. Honestly, ringing the random caller next day... wtf.

Rather than trying to argue on the trust issue, I'd suggest addressing his way of dealing with problems, tbh. Being silent is hardly helping to solve the problem, esp. not in a 4-year marriage. Tell him that you're despairing over his silences and that you need to talk about the recurring problems between you two. It cannot just be trust, there needs to be something else as well. If you can't come to the heart of the matter between you two, maybe couple counselling could help too.

lynsalot

I totally agree. you didn't cheat on him u just weren't interested back then. It's allowed. u were younger, in a different place in ur life etc. u've married this guy. He can't keep using this excuse for his behaviour. You've not given him a reason not to trust you.

He needs to deal with his control issues or lack of self confidence. It'll ruin your relationship otherwise. Funnily I had a boyfriend like the one the 2nd poster described, and I never knew what passive agressive was. I'm a ppl pleaser and never could figure out how he was being so nasty in such a nice way i'm well out of it but i know it really f*cked me over so it's not healthy to have that kind of attitude directed at you constantly.

Maybe counselling would help? Perhaps hubby should speak to someone himself though. I really don't think it's you or the start of ur relationship that's at the root of HIS problem. best of luck.

LegacyUser

Sounds like your husband is threatened by your independence and therefore your lack of dependence on him. You decided for yourself in the early days how you wanted to take the relationship.
The relationship and therefore HE wasn't a priority for you in the beginning. Most people would be reasonable about this seeing as you were just out of a relationship in which you were cheated on, but your husband doesn't seem to have considered your feelings and reasons for it at all, which I find very odd. That says a lot about him and his attitude to you.

It seems as if everything is about him.
It seems to be all about you reassuring him that he is wanted and to the forefront in your life at all times. He even has to make himself the center of your attention when you are dealing with the one man you work with. That sounds smothering and yes, I would agree that he is trying to control you, whether to satisfy his own insecurity or jealousy or something more deep rooted.

Counselling would probably be very beneficial if you could get him to go. I do think though that you should not entertain his behaviour any longer. You should tell him that he can't use your early feelings towards him against you now. It was a totally different scenario, you were not married, you had just met and were you just out of a long relationship. He has no right to punish you because you didn't fall in love with him straight away. That is such self centered behavior and it must be very draining on you.
Trust doesn't seem to be the issue here at all so no point in constantly proving to him that you can be trusted. You are wasting your time. Have it out with him and make him get to the heart of his behavior before it ruins your marriage.

Out of interest, do you know much about his past relationships, reasons for ending etc.

LegacyUser

Went through something similar myself a year ago with a guy who did the exact same thing.

Together about 2years overall but we broke up mid-relationship (because i wanted to) but after we got back together, things were great. Then he moved to the UK, and all of a sudden, everything id ever done wrong was thrown back at me all the time, and i made the mistake of allowing it to happen and bending over backwards to reassure him over things that happened way back when and stuff id already apologised for. I did this constantly.

Then as soon we were fine again, id only have to do something small and it was all brought back up again and i was back to breaking my back to show him i loved him. It went on for ages, as soon as i stopped practically begging him to realise i loved him and we were happy again, hed just find ANY reason (not replying to a text quick enough etc) to make me start again.

It got too much and it was the end of us, so my advice would be to talk to him, tell him its a problem from long ago that you can do nothing about now, and that it has nothing to do with how you feel about him now and he has to let it go because you cant keep paying for it. It will soon be something else otherwise.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for the replies.

On Monday I decided to just ignore the fact that he was being moody and acted my usual cheeful self, but yesterday it just all got to me, esp as he found it fine to speak to me if he wanted something from me! blood boiled, emptied the dishwasher by firing the mugs etc into the presses, went to bed and read a book for 2 hrs until he came to bed, and we both tossed and turned for hrs and neither of us spoke. I know I should just say something but honestly cant decide what to say, i've said all before and it hasnt worked. We've to go to a wedding tomorrw, a 4hour drive, there is no way I'm sitting in a car for four hours in silence.

Speaking of weddings, I was a bridesmaid at my cousins wedding 2 years ago, himself drove the bridesmaids car so was involved in the whole day, however he still managed to get drunk and accuse me of wanting to be with the best man(i'd never met him before and he was there with his fiance) - wtf!!! I had to dance with him once and stood beside him in the photos, I spent what should have been a really happy night coaxing himself up to the bedroom so no-one would hear what he was saying to me, the next day he acted as if nothing happened, while I apologised to my cousin for dissappearing after the meal. A few months later I brought it up in a joking kind of way, still claimed he didnt remember a thing.

Was in the pub one night and at closing time I said I'd run over to the chippers and get us chips and a friend of himself gave me money to buy him a bag of chips, of course when I got back from the chippers and we headed home I was told I wanted to be with his friend cos I bought him chips.

The more I remember these stories the more annoyed I'm getting.

I dont know very much about his past relationships, not something I like discussing with anyone but I do know his last 2 girlfriends before me, both wanted him back and when we got together first both were still texting him but it never became a huge issue, they got the message and now they are in long term relationships themselves. So its not like ever girl he's been with has rejected him at some stage. I really think his issues stem from his mother dying when he was young, no-body told him how sick she really was until she was dead and he resented it. Maybe he has a complex that all women will just disappear, then again maybe I'm just making excuses. I do know the last time this happend, I said I'd never let him make me feel like this again, its just not fair, I dont want to be miserable and walking on eggshells.

Anyway I better go, have to buy shoes for this wedding, its my best friend getting married, our little boy is page boy and it should be such a happy day, I was really looking forward to it - now I'd much rather stay at home

LegacyUser

There's probably a lot of truth in what you said about his mother dying and his related trust issues. Would he not get counselling?

On a different tangent completely from the above responses, is it possible that he is the one more likely to cheat and he is judging you by his own standards. I have been with a guy in the past who was always questioning me about every guy I even remotely knew.This guy it turned out had a history of cheating before he was with me and then he cheated on me.
A good friend of mine was ridiculously jealous of her boyfriend in the same way and after they broke he told me that he heard that she had cheated on him while they were together.
It has happened to a family member of mine as well. It's as if a totally innocent text between you and someone else would have in their shoes been not so innocent.

I also find it very odd that he would be in touch with TWO of his ex's while he was with you. For a start it's complete double standards that he can text women (especially ex's)and secondly was he really trying to fight them off or was he encouraging them? sorry to be putting extra worry on you, but your message reminded me so much of the experiences I wrote about above.

LegacyUser

Well I'm back from the wedding and everything is back to normal. Had a big talk last wed nite, well more me crying, himself talking. I'm more convinced than ever that he really needs to talk to someone who can help him sort out how he reacts to things.

Basically he said he didnt know what was wrong, and I asked was it us was he not happy and he said that couldnt be further from truth, he's terrified that it'll all be taken away from him, that when everything is so good something has to go wrong ( this must stem from his Mam dying when he was little). Basically the random call from mystery stranger set his brain into overdrive thinking what would happen if I was having an affair, he'd loose everything, before he knew it that was all he could think about. I've seen this happen to him before over work and bills, he could lie awake for nights on end worrying and not sleeping.

Anyway I told him I have no intention of leaving or running off with anyone but he cant keep reacting like that because its sending me crazy and making me miserabe. Unfortunatly I know in my heart it'll happen again, I just dont know what I can do to snap him out of it when I know its starting. I really think he has low self esteem, he cant understand how his life could work out ok. Maybe its just a matter of time proving him wrong.