Not sure if I want to go out with her anymore

LegacyUser

Im going out with my girlfriend 5 years now and I love her. But lately i find I am not as attracted to her. I dont know is it that I am bored or what.

I always thought I would never cheat on her, but I was out last night and got very close to a girl I work with. Luckily, as drunk as I was i went home, and i didnt cheat, but its making me wonder should I be with my girlfriend if i think like this.

I love her, but I think she loves me more than I love her. I dont want to hurt her ever but one minute I think i want to be single again, or not even single, but want to be with someone different.

I dont know if this is just a phase im going through or something more permanent that will get worse. I cannot talk this over with her as she will completely lose it.

What would you do? it would also be hell because we move in the same social circles. has anyone face this, to find its just a phase?

I thought i was better than this but turns out im just a shallow jerk of a guy.

LegacyUser

You are with her a very long time,some people go through this in early stages in a relationship and some through later stage were it is either the other person is what they want or they are not.Its only natural now is the time to think is she the one you can see your self with in future and building a life with.
I would say you need to make a decision if you feel you want to have sex with other women and don't only out of guilt you know the answer yourself.Best of luck

LegacyUser

there are always going to be temptations out there. if you're mind is wandering away from your girlfriend then it will probably start affecting your relationship in other ways (arguing etc..) you'll know yourself what feels right. at the end of the day, ye both deserve to be happy so if you aren't 100% comfortable and commited, you should let her find someone right for her and allow yourself do the same. if its right its right and you'll overcome these uncertainties.

TriceMarie

You are probably just reminising the old single days when you had no commitment.
I'm sure there's a reason why ye are still together after 5 years,and should not be thrown away lightly.

Is there any other things going on in your life that might be affecting you?
Stress?
Worries?
Stressful job?
Family,money,health wories etc...?

LegacyUser

I was in the very same situation - only on the receiving end. My boyfriend after 5 years was having doubts and it was about where to go next with our relationship. He nearly slept with a girl at work, but stopped short because of me. We talked about it, and he told me he was having doubts. I don't think its cos he loved me less than i loved him. I think its just that in general women put more into a relationship and expect more in return. At the end of the day, you need to work at it.
ADVICE
Talk to her - sit her down and go through whats good and bad, what ye both want, and where ye both want to go.
DON'T let it go, it wont go away, you need to resolve it now. At the end of the day you still love her, and that is the foundation of any successful relationship. The other ingredients are a bit of work, trust and honesty! Love conquers all, and in the words of one of the greatest 'All you need is love'

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for the advice guys.

On the question of stress and what not, yes there is a bit of stress as she suffers from depression and anxiety. She has told me she relies on me totally and that freaks me out, as I am quite independent.

For this reason also I cant tell her right now as she is not in a good place at the mo and is sorting out correct pills with the doc to help her work through this. Until that happens I cant discuss this with her.

TBH also I dont know what talking will resolve?it will just upset her and cause me to back down and hide whatever im feeling as usual to save a few tears...

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that about your girlfriends problems.
My boyfriend felt the same before we spoke, afraid of upsetting me etc. But you have to give her the chance, and she may surprise you. What is the point in walking on egg shells? The only way you will be happy is if its all out in the open.
I know how hard relationships can be. I prefer my boyfriend to tell me if he's upset about something, rather than hide it.
We used to fight constantly about everything, but now we can get past things because we don't let them build up.
Do you guys live together? Do you want things to progress? Maybe it is the '5 year itch' ??

weird

Unregistered wrote: »

Im going out with my girlfriend 5 years now and I love her. But lately i find I am not as attracted to her. I dont know is it that I am bored or what.

I always thought I would never cheat on her, but I was out last night and got very close to a girl I work with. Luckily, as drunk as I was i went home, and i didnt cheat, but its making me wonder should I be with my girlfriend if i think like this.

I love her, but I think she loves me more than I love her. I dont want to hurt her ever but one minute I think i want to be single again, or not even single, but want to be with someone different.

I dont know if this is just a phase im going through or something more permanent that will get worse. I cannot talk this over with her as she will completely lose it.

What would you do? it would also be hell because we move in the same social circles. has anyone face this, to find its just a phase?

I thought i was better than this but turns out im just a shallow jerk of a guy.

You feel guilty. You shouldn't. Your interest in your partner will go through peaks and troughs over time; it is natural.

You should get your partner to spice it up. This isn't limited to the bedroom, maybe she should get a new look? Cut her hair short? Get some new outfits? Go on, splash some money on her. Take her out on a weekend away.

Be careful with this approach... she could get the wrong idea and then you'll never hear then end of this old chestnut: "why don't you love me as I am?!".

You got be sly and use some suggestion, take an interest in her appearance... go shopping with her and influence her decisions.

Maybe you should start doing some activities together like salsa dancing or taking an art class? Might get her mind off these negative thoughts?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again. Thanks for the advice guys.

On the question of stress and what not, yes there is a bit of stress as she suffers from depression and anxiety. She has told me she relies on me totally and that freaks me out, as I am quite independent.

For this reason also I cant tell her right now as she is not in a good place at the mo and is sorting out correct pills with the doc to help her work through this. Until that happens I cant discuss this with her.

TBH also I dont know what talking will resolve?it will just upset her and cause me to back down and hide whatever im feeling as usual to save a few tears...

Hi OP. You say you love her . . but maybe you 'loved' her . . and the feeling has faded ? it happens, let's face it. Nothing lasts forever. There is nothing shallow or bad about that. We are human. We change as we get older and our emotions and feelings change. Love sometimes changes, and sometimes fades.

If it has faded then it would be best to deal with it, and not be in denial because she is so dependent on you. She might be better off with someone who is better matched to her, after all from what you say, to be honest, you don't seem to be that well matched.

Sounds like you need to step back a bit and do some thinking and reassessment.

All the best.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Are you possibly afraid to end your relationship because of fear of what she may do?

OP here. yes, a bit . I was going to say its a lot of pressure on someone, but she has enough to be dealing with at the mo without me adding to it.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. yes, a bit . I was going to say its a lot of pressure on someone, but she has enough to be dealing with at the mo without me adding to it.

I know what you are saying. However, please keep in mind how she might feel when you HAVE to break the news to her and she comes to learn that you have been feeling like this for a while and hiding it .... or even, if she was harsh, lying to her....

I suggest the one possible tactic is to gently ease apart ... maybe even intentionally not be as nice a person ... so that she might start not liking you so much as well ? Just a thought. It worked for me once a long time ago.

All the best.

Rob_l

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I suggest the one possible tactic is to gently ease apart ... maybe even intentionally not be as nice a person ... so that she might start not liking you so much as well ? Just a thought. It worked for me once a long time ago.

VaioCruiser I was agreeing a bit with what you said until this part. OP whatever you do the first thing you need to do is find out were you are, if you are no longer in this relationship than dragging it on for fear of what she might or might not do is not going to work it will only lead to rows.
As you will know its over and then in ways you will take it out on her as your way at getting back at her for making you stay in this relationship.

I cannot stress how important it is not to go with the bit of advice I have quoted from Vaio, never ever do this I done this one to someone I cared about but wasnt in love wiht anymore and to this day I have
never stopped regretting it.

The only thing you need to do at the moment OP, is decide where you are at, like others have said you could just be getting nervious or itchy feet because of the whole five years with one person which is normal enough i think.


Whatever you do make sure its the right decision for you.
Good luck OP

LegacyUser

OP - I agree with sunflower. I can't believe that was even suggested. How could you be purposefully nasty to someone that you love? Don't forget OP has said he is till in love with his girlfriend. This is supposed to be a helpful website for people to resolve problems. That is certainly not a constructive reply.
Life is not about avoiding problems. If the man is unwilling to talk why sould the OH have to suffer.
Do the right thing OP - if you still love her give yourselves the chance to be happy together - remember why you are together for 5 years.

LegacyUser

As a woman who suffered mental illness during a previous relationship, I can relate with your OH at the moment.
But what she is doing to you, is destructive to her and you. She is struggling with a lot of emotion right now and can't really separate out her feelings and where you slot into all of the other Bullsh*t that is going on in her head. God help her, it's an awful place to be in, I was hospitalised for a time, it's not easy. And you do tend to drop all of your emotional crap onto other people, but that's only because you have no idea what to do with it and you want someone, anybody, to fix you. That doesn't make it ok though.

You're not a jerk at all, please don't think that. You're happiness should be just as paramount to your OH as hers is to you. We all want happiness and normality, but right now, you cannot offer that to her, nor her to you. She needs to do a lot of work on herself, by herself. It's a tough thing to do, but I think you need to be very honest with her about this. You're not happy and you won't be until your relationaship is of even footing. i.e you both support each other and enjoy each others company, not constantly striving to make her more secure in herself. That's not anybody else's job.

She will come through this, and maybe then you can start afresh, but right now this is just a destructive road for both of you. Please drop the feelings of guilt, if she doesn harm herself, it will not be your fault. And nobody should ever hold that over your head, that's not love.
But you really do need to sit down with her and be honest, maybe skip the bit about nearly getting off with someone else, but she needs to know what her neediness is doing to you and your relationship. You can support her but not like this.

From a personal perspective, the drugs are only a crutch and are very difficult to get off. Sometimes they can do more harm than good. If she can get in touch with a good counsellor instead, she will be far better off. She will learn life long lessons about recognising her problems and triggers, and how to deal with them. And bear in mind, that not every counsellor you meet will be the right one. Just like personal relationships, you won't get along with every person you meet.

Good luck, I hope you can both work it out.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks folks for the advice. il mull it over for a while longer. im not completely innocent in this. She has put on a fair bit of weight in the last 2 years and physically, im not as attracted to her as i once was. i hate the fact that i feel this way as i didnt think i was shallow until now. its the most wrong and selfish reason, or part reason to finish with someone.

I duno, i guess i have to straighten everything out in my own head before i blurt anything out.


Thanks all...

VaioCruiser

Rob_l wrote: »

I cannot stress how important it is not to go with the bit of advice I have quoted from Vaio, never ever do this I done this one to someone I cared about but wasnt in love wiht anymore and to this day I have
never stopped regretting it.

On the contrary it is a most mature and pragmatic way of ending or winding down a relationship with someone who is vulnerable and sensitive to depression or self harm.

It is a loving and caring action that puts the other person first instead of oneself.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP - I agree with sunflower. I can't believe that was even suggested. How could you be purposefully nasty to someone that you love? Don't forget OP has said he is till in love with his girlfriend. This is supposed to be a helpful website for people to resolve problems. That is certainly not a constructive reply.
Life is not about avoiding problems. If the man is unwilling to talk why sould the OH have to suffer.
Do the right thing OP - if you still love her give yourselves the chance to be happy together - remember why you are together for 5 years.

I find this quite a hysterical response.

Firstly I never ever suggested being "purposely nasty" to anyone as you have suggested I said above.

Secondly what exactly is not constructive about it ? You say that life is not about avoiding problems ? of course it is. Avoiding problems is a major part of life. And having compassion and caring about someone we love is also one of the most important things in life.

The OP is considering ending his relationship and his partner is emotionally and psychologically vulnerable and he is afraid that telling her might lead to self harm.

It is a perfectly constructive suggestion to make, for him to ease out of the relationship - and one strategy would be to become less desirable in her eyes, to become less 'nice' than before, so that as he eases out she will feel she is not losing as much.

It may not be for him, and it may not be for you - but it is a perfectly reasonable and compassionate and constructive suggestion. Your suggestion to do the right thing - suggesting that he should stay for the sole reason that they have been together for 5 years is based on what ? Why should people continue together if they are not attracted to each other and bored with each other ? Is this constructive ?

Tar.Aldarion

Disagree with Vaio, this girl is still in love with you. That would be horrible. If you are not in love with her, break up with her. Think about it and either work on your relatioship or end it. It might be a phase, it might not, that is for you to decide.

Rob_l

VaioCruiser wrote: »

On the contrary it is a most mature and pragmatic way of ending or winding down a relationship with someone who is vulnerable and sensitive to depression or self harm.

It is a loving and caring action that puts the other person first instead of oneself.

I think by winding it down slowly you are only looking out for your own interests, like I said I have in the past tried to slowly bring things to an end and no good has ever come from it.

Once you as a person feel the relationship is over then you owe that other person for whatever little bit of feeling you have left for them to end it with as clean a break as possible.

If your not in love with them then let them get on with their lives and find someone who can reciprocate their feelings.

LegacyUser

OP, the fact that you can become unattracted to your girlfriend of 5 years because she has put on weight i think says it all!

If you don't fancy her now what will it be like after she has kids and her boobs get droopy and she has no time to shave her legs etc..?!! Seriously. Too many people are getting seperated in their 40's and 50's these days, don't be one of them. Give your self and her a chance to meet mew people. You say she is dependant on you I'm sure that's because she thinks you love her! Break up with her and, it may take alot of time, but she will get over you don't worry.

On the other hand remember that far away hills are not always green! That girl you met last night may have warts or may be a loose woman or may be 10 times more needy than your girlfriend.

You know the answer yourself. You do not come across as a jerk, just human, but if you are still with your girlfriend in a years time and you still don't fancy her, then you will be a jerk.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here, just to give this thread closure.

I went for a long walk and figured out a few things:

1. One of the main reasons for my confusion is i have a serious crush on a girl at work. i thought at the age of 26 crushes were a thing of the past, but they still have the power to bring me to my knees! luckily the girl is only in the office for a week or two and will be back off to work HQ after that so as long as I can avoid her until then il be ok . its a pitty as we get on really well, but why tempt fate. if its not just a crush il know as il still be swooning for her weeks after she leaves and everytime i see her name in an email, but il deal with that if it arises.

2. my girlfriend was just as worried about stuff as i was. i did not tell her about my crush, as that would be just plain horrible and would add no value at all, but i did bring up the feelings that the crush brought up in me, like us stagnating, or her wanting huge commitment that i cant give right now ( like saying we will be together in 10 years. how can i promise that? I don't know if I'll be in the country in 10 years!). anyway we talked and are going to try to improve on ourselves for the next few months.

I also brought up that i would have been afraid to break up with her in case that she done anything "silly". she said that she would be devastated, but would not do anything silly, if not out of common sense, then out of spite! she was quite embarrassed that i thought that of her.

I also told her that maby i cant give her the unconditional love she needs and if she feels like this she should look for her Prince Charming, as why be with me out of comfort when she could feel absolute magic with someone else. that hurt her, but i felt it had to be said. sometimes people are just bad for each other despite trying as much as possible.

We resided to give it another go anyway and see how we get on. My crush should be over in a few weeks hopefully and then things can get back to normal.

I still think about one thing though, im 90% sure its just a crush with the girl in the office, and as she lives on the other side of the planet most of the time, it would be impossible anyway, but in general, how do you know when to put a stop to a crush, or let it go as it could be so much better than what you have? i mean the grass always looks greener, especially in these situations, but what if there was a tiny chance that it was actually greener? i guess its something each individual would have to answer themselves but I just would like to know your thoughts.

Also,thanks for the advice all, it was really appreciated. It did help me by leading me down new avenue's of thought.