Advice on relationship

LegacyUser

I'm in a long term relationship with my bf for over 6 years.

The problem is that he's very lazy when it comes to organizing anything.
He happily sits back and lets me organise holidays, weekends away, restaurant reservations etc.
In all the time we've been together he has never once organised nor even suggested a weekend away it all falls on me to do it.He may have made one or two restaurant reservations for a birthday..
He's happy to spend every weekend at his parents house whereas i think there should be a bit more to that. Young couples should get away and do their own thing.

Now he would do anything I 'ask' of him. He's often picked me up from town after a few drinks and dropped me home and he would drop my friends home too.
If I ever ask him to get anything for me he would. But why can't he think for himself once in a while and think it would be nice to do something.. I'll organise it...

I'm sick of organizing everything. Even now were talking about buying a house I'm the one organising the savings lodging them into the bank, looking up houses and chatting with auctioneers. He's come viewing houses with me ... again when I've asked him to. He's all excited when we are but the point is he couldn't suggest 'oh lets drive around today and look at houses'.

Also birthdays, special occasions... I go mad getting lovely presents and engraved watches etc etc... He had a 30th recently and I threw him a huge surprise party which cost a fortune but I did it because I love him and wanted to make him happy.
My 21st several years ago... I got a watch I didn't like (I had pointed out the one I did want) and a chinese takeaway...


I've chatted to him several times and said he needs to take a bit of responsibility and play his part in the relationship as opposed to assuming I'll do it and leaving it all up to me..
I never seem to be able to get through to him that I can't do everything by myself.

Is this just a guy thing? Do all guys in relationships leave everything up to the woman?
It's getting so bad I have an ongoing joke that someday I'll buy a ring pop it into his jacket.. book a restaurant and say 'now darling you can propose' from his pre-written propasal...

I'd appreciate any advise as I really am stuck in a rut with someone who doesn't seem want to change..

gowayouttadat

My bf is exactly the same but it doesn't bother me at all. The only real thing that would bother me about that is where you say that he's quite happy to stay in his parents house all weekend. There's definitely more to life than that.

In relation to organising things I just accept that it's not one of my bf's strong points. Tomorrow is my birthday and I told him straight out that I wanted to go to a certain hotel for a nice weekend away and I even booked it myself.
He is brilliant in loads of other ways. He is always there for me, cooks all my dinners, does lots around the house and does lots of small things that mean more to me than him organising one or two things a year.

I suppose it depends on what's important to you and everyone is different.

LegacyUser

OP here.

happy bday for tomo

I'd cut a bit of slack but he doesn't do any cooking. He made spag bol for me once over a year ago when I wrote out all the instructions and bought him the ingredients.
We lived together for a while and he would do housework - when he was nagged.

It just seems he's happy to let everyone do everything for him. He's not one bit bothered about doing anything for himself just assumes it will be done for him.

He wouldn't even suggest going for a drive on a Sunday.
(I've often said nothing about making plans and sat there on a sunday waiting for him to suggest something but he just ends up playing his ps3 or going for a nap).

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd appreciate any advise as I really am stuck in a rut with someone who doesn't seem want to change..

Hi OP. You have allowed this to continue for 6 years without doing anything about it. You have allowed him to settle into a nice and easy life.

Now you want to change it ? I suggest you have your work cut out for you, and I think he will resent this change of attitude, whether you are on good moral grounds or not.

To anyone else reading this, all relationships are based on negotiated roles that we construct between us, normally unconsciously, from the getgo. It is critical to start as you mean to continue.

I believe you are now in a very very tough situation and I wish you all the best in deciding what to do.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi VaioCruiser,

OP here again.

I've asked him several times over the years to put some more effort in. We've gone out to dinner to discuss our relationship on a few occasions but it seems to fall on deaf ears all the time!

I've even encouraged him to point out anything that I don't do enough of in the relationship so it would be give and take. The things he said to me I made an effort to change.

I suppose I didn't notice as much in the first year or two as I had been going through a difficult time with my families and had just started college. There were so many things going on and we were in that stage where the other half couldn't do any wrong!!

We had another argument tonight where again I stressed that he needed to help me out with things as I'm under stress at the moment with my job and free time is getting scarcer to plan things. (were going on a huge holiday this year with friends which I'm planning and booking by myself). He just nods that he'l do his best as he has many times in the past but I guess I know he's only nodding and saying that he'l change a bit to keep the peace.

I even pointed out did he not realise that i'm drifting away from the relationship. And he said he hadn't noticed until I pointed out in the last 3 months we've slept together twice only... (though he did know it was 2 times only! )

I guess I know what needs to be done but it's hard after routine and so many years. I just keep wishing that he would put in even the tiniest effort.
Anything at all and I would be over the moon as I know there would be hope then

LegacyUser

Yeah my guys exactly d same. Stupid Irish mothers doing everything for them!Its very frustrating but i'm beginning to accept that he is just not good at organising and i focus on all his good aspects like being really sweet and loving,always being such a honey when i go off on one and having so much in common which is often hard to find nowadays

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess I know what needs to be done but it's hard after routine and so many years. I just keep wishing that he would put in even the tiniest effort.
Anything at all and I would be over the moon as I know there would be hope then

Hi OP - The more you say the more transparent he is appearing. I know that some people accept this in some relationships, and that is ok. It's up to them. You have to decide if this is the way you want the rest of your life going.
In my view it is a serious sign of lack of respect. Yes.... they claim it isn't, but it is really. Claiming not to be "good" at something, in order to avoid doing it is so so easy. It isn't brain surgery is it ?

I normally avoid saying this like the plague.... but to be honest I think you can do a lot better than this guy. I would seriously consider throwing in the towel...

All the best.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah my guys exactly d same. Stupid Irish mothers doing everything for them!Its very frustrating but i'm beginning to accept that he is just not good at organising and i focus on all his good aspects like being really sweet and loving,always being such a honey when i go off on one and having so much in common which is often hard to find nowadays

I think his mother prob is the problem.
He's in his early 30's and still lives at home as we are supposed to be saving for a mortgage (I'm 26 and recently moved home after two years renting).
His mother washes his clothes, does his ironing, packs his lunch for work EVERY DAY, has his dinner waiting when he comes home, even goes as far to empty the bin in his room and change his bed clothes!!
It's ridiculous it's like she's wrapping him in cotton wool for fear he's have to so anything himself!

Don't get me wrong he's not all bad. I mean he is my best friend in that I tell him everything and he always listens. In particular if i've had a really bad day he'l get me a bottle of wine and a take-away but I have to ask him first to get them.
Once I ask him to do something of course he'l do it. But is it too much to ask that he think for himself once in a while?

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP - The more you say the more transparent he is appearing. I know that some people accept this in some relationships, and that is ok. It's up to them. You have to decide if this is the way you want the rest of your life going.
In my view it is a serious sign of lack of respect. Yes.... they claim it isn't, but it is really. Claiming not to be "good" at something, in order to avoid doing it is so so easy. It isn't brain surgery is it ?

I normally avoid saying this like the plague.... but to be honest I think you can do a lot better than this guy. I would seriously consider throwing in the towel...

All the best.

It is lack of respect now that you say it. How can someone when the issue is highlighted on and off for years think so little to not bother making the slightest effort!

It's heartbreaking at the same time to think the person you've been with all these years never truly cared enough to make the change.

LegacyUser

Im sorry to say it but I dont think he will change. I dont think he has any comprehension of what is entailed in being an adult. He is willing and capable of following instructions but he has no proactivity or ability to spontaneously organise anything himself.

His mother like many Irish mothers has destroyed him by pampering him to a ridiculous level. His life sounds like a holiday camp. You are going to have your work cut out.

A lot of men Ive met are like this, its the Mothers fault, My current Boyfriends mother died when he was young and I can safely say he is the only man I know who will spontaneously realise when housework needs to be done and can cook to an edible level.

As he is willing he may be capable of being taught but he does sound sort of babyish in the sense that he cant see what needs to be done, that wont really change.

It is very headwrecking but maybe you could talk with him and see if you can teach him to start taking the initiative, but I wouldnt hold out too much hope.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

It is lack of respect now that you say it. How can someone when the issue is highlighted on and off for years think so little to not bother making the slightest effort!

It's heartbreaking at the same time to think the person you've been with all these years never truly cared enough to make the change.

Yes.

AND you never valued yourself enough to force the change.

Don't get me wrong I support you. But the blame, as often is the case, is shared.

Lesson learned.

LegacyUser

I had this exact same problem with my last girlfriend. She always wanted to be doing this that and the other. Did you ever think that your boyfriend would be happy to have a nap on Sunday or play his video games? Instead he has to go gallivanting accross the country to please you.

In my opinion you should be grateful that he is willing to do all of these things with. You want to do it, you organise it. It's as simple as that.

Of course I got sick of her always wanting to "do something" and wrecking my head about it and I realised that I was happier when she wasn't around annoying me. No prizes for guessing what happened to our relationship!

OP, I think you should leave well enough alone, and if you love him you will accept him as he is.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I had this exact same problem with my last girlfriend. She always wanted to be doing this that and the other. Did you ever think that your boyfriend would be happy to have a nap on Sunday or play his video games? Instead he has to go gallivanting accross the country to please you.

In my opinion you should be grateful that he is willing to do all of these things with. You want to do it, you organise it. It's as simple as that.

Of course I got sick of her always wanting to "do something" and wrecking my head about it and I realised that I was happier when she wasn't around annoying me. No prizes for guessing what happened to our relationship!

OP, I think you should leave well enough alone, and if you love him you will accept him as he is.

Well isnt it right in saying that a relationship is based on equal compromise? I do a lot for my partner and sometimes i feel like i end up doing everything- is that fair? Asked him many times to help out and he promises he will but never does. I'm just sick of nagging for him to do stuff all d time and making him angry by nagging. How do i get around this???

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Well isnt it right in saying that a relationship is based on equal compromise? I do a lot for my partner and sometimes i feel like i end up doing everything- is that fair? Asked him many times to help out and he promises he will but never does. I'm just sick of nagging for him to do stuff all d time and making him angry by nagging. How do i get around this???

Op here.

Souunds like your in a fairly similar situation to me.
Do you get the nodding head after a 'talk' as well?
It drives me mad! I find that after we speak everything is fine for a few weeks. But when I look back it's not because he's done anything spectacular or changed in any way. It's because I vented. And then because he hasn't done anything to change the liklihood of the next talk is that all the frustration builds up and heats up into a massive argument!!

I do feel like a nag though also. So much that I go back aftr 'nagging' and maybe do something nice such as if it's my dads birthday and i'm out shopping for a jumper if I see one the OH would like I'll pick it up for him.
Or often I've spontanoeulsy bought him a PS3 game when we may have been in the shops.
But then would he EVER do anything like that in return.. Course not!

Why do I keep doing it?? I think I'm a glutten for punishment..... Or feel bad for nagging...

Why don't men feel bad for their actions??

LauraLoo

I think that most men will let you do everything if you choose take it on. Alot of women automatically do and i do believe its cultural "irish mammy" syndrome that we carry even though we dont realise it. My mam-in-law had three sons and no daughters. She was the only girl in her own house growing up. All she knows is to serve her men. She did it at home since she was 10 and she has done it for nearly 40 years with her husband and sons.

I do nearly everything in our relationship- and at one stage it was getting to me doing everything but I put a stop to it early on (by explaining that this was not who i wanted to become in our relationship) although its still challenging and he often needs little reminders. It took many talks until one day i broke down and pointed out to him that i was changing into his mammy and losing my identity and that i hated who i was becoming.

At the same time, if he starts getting involved in things im organising, i can become frustrated as he wont do it my way. Which i can respect as he is an intelligent person and can organise things his way. But what i find is that when he is ready to take control of things, i find it hard to hand it over. So ask youself if you are truly ready to hand it over and share control 50-50? This doesnt even seem to just happen with your boyf- you are organising for your friends also (holiday). You have assumed the organisor role and everyone is happy to play along. You need to be ready to change the persona that you have built up for yourself. Change comes from within first. You change yourself on the inside and people will adjust accordingly.

In regards to the boyf:
Just Stop enabling him. Stop everything you are doing. If you want to go out for a drive then you go out with your friends or go out by yourself. If you want to go out for dinner then you go out with your friends. Tell him that you are no longer organising his life and you are taking responsibility for your own. If he wants to be with you then he can pull himself together and grow up. Tell him you want a man who is strong and capable of protecting and providing for his family- not a little boy looking to be mammied. Dont discuss it with him anymore- dont "ask" him to change. Tell him you have changed and he has to learn to deal with it. Sometimes we have to be firm to be kind.

In regards to buying a house together? Do not move in with that man until he has grown up. He wont know whats hit him or vice versa- you wont know whats hit you when you find piles of dishes, dirty jocks on the floor, toilet paper unchanged- god forbid you'll be lucky if he'll flush the toilet after himself. Things need to change before you commit to a 25-35 year mortgage together. You move in with him and before you know it you'll be his mother and will have lost yourself. Bearing in mind that you work- its very possible that his mother stays at home to do this which might suit her but alot of younger women today need to work so its very hard to fulfil the irish mammy role when we are out 9-5 just like the men.

janbaby

Your relationship sounds so tiring and hard work. It seems like if you didn't put so much effort in then you guys would never do anything. It could now be a case that he is so used to you organising everything that he feels he doesn't have to anymore. People take on certain roles in a relationship and he seems happy enough to take on the lazy role. Maybe you need to step back and see what would happen if you organised nothing for a month. He might surprise you! You've been together for 6 years which is amazing, talk about how you feel to him. Maybe he just need the kick start and the encoragement to make an effort spontaneously.

LegacyUser

LauraLoo wrote: »

In regards to the boyf:
Just Stop enabling him. Stop everything you are doing. If you want to go out for a drive then you go out with your friends or go out by yourself. If you want to go out for dinner then you go out with your friends. Tell him that you are no longer organising his life and you are taking responsibility for your own. If he wants to be with you then he can pull himself together and grow up. Tell him you want a man who is strong and capable of protecting and providing for his family- not a little boy looking to be mammied. Dont discuss it with him anymore- dont "ask" him to change. Tell him you have changed and he has to learn to deal with it. Sometimes we have to be firm to be kind.

In regards to buying a house together? Do not move in with that man until he has grown up. He wont know whats hit him or vice versa- you wont know whats hit you when you find piles of dishes, dirty jocks on the floor, toilet paper unchanged- god forbid you'll be lucky if he'll flush the toilet after himself. Things need to change before you commit to a 25-35 year mortgage together. You move in with him and before you know it you'll be his mother and will have lost yourself. Bearing in mind that you work- its very possible that his mother stays at home to do this which might suit her but alot of younger women today need to work so its very hard to fulfil the irish mammy role when we are out 9-5 just like the men.

Thanks very much Laura Loo.
That's great advice and you really have hit the nail on the head! His mom doesn't work either so again you got that right

Thanks so much you are absolutely right I need to change first and stop enabling him.

LegacyUser

janbaby wrote: »

Your relationship sounds so tiring and hard work. It seems like if you didn't put so much effort in then you guys would never do anything. It could now be a case that he is so used to you organising everything that he feels he doesn't have to anymore. People take on certain roles in a relationship and he seems happy enough to take on the lazy role. Maybe you need to step back and see what would happen if you organised nothing for a month. He might surprise you! You've been together for 6 years which is amazing, talk about how you feel to him. Maybe he just need the kick start and the encoragement to make an effort spontaneously.

Hi Janbaby,

Hard work is right! Not only do I do everything in the relationship. But I did it during going to college I got my degree. I'm continuing studies now that are near an end but very demanding of my time. Also there's been some recent family trouble that I've had to step into a role to help out with things and that takes up hours of every single day!!.

I'm so exhausted and all I need is a bit of help from him. It's horrible. Lately with all the stress all were doing is fighting on top of it. Usually the same argument. That I need help and can't do everything by myself!

I know I need to just stop and if he does not want to organise anything I'm going to go out with a friend or by myself.

I'm really hoping he will change though as I can't see myself married/living with /have kids with someone who will end up being another child to look after!

I'm going to take your advice and see how things pan out in a month. Thanks Janbaby!

Nevyn

You need to get this sorted before you move in together and have children.
The resenment of always being the responsible one and one on whom all the house hold chores falls on is toxic in a relationship before there are children and will kill it stone dead imho once there are children and you do not have a partner who can take on a share of the work invovled willingly.