Whats love go to do with it?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this

My boyfriend and i are together 2 years. we were long distance for the first year. The last two times we had sex, he lost his erection. in fact, it was never 100% hard in the first place.

We had a great sex life before. I have put on about ten pounds but tbh, i'm not fat. 5 foot 4, 9 stone and 13 pounds.

is he just not attracted to me anymore?

Mr Benevolent

With respect, you need to ask him, not us.

LegacyUser

thanks, I have. He says he still is attracted to me and that he doesnt know what the problem is. The reason I posted really was incase this was the default reaction and that it might be glaringly obvious to men that he just isnt attracted to me anymore.

dudara

It's much more likely to be something on his side, than yours. He might be stressed, ill or not at his best. Try to talk about it, but without pressuring him - he may already feel embarassed enough as it is.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, This happened to me and my boyfriend. He kept saying it was nothing to do with not being attracted to me but could never give me another reason. we eventually broke up. Try to decide if u can live in a sexless relationship

fiveyears

Its just a second hand emotion

Silverfish

fiveyears,
Please read the PI charter before posting. Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Micky Dolenz

dudara wrote: »

It's much more likely to be something on his side, than yours. He might be stressed, ill or not at his best. Try to talk about it, but without pressuring him - he may already feel embarassed enough as it is.

agree with this. most probably has nothing to do with you. was he drinking, taking drugs (medication or other wise)? nearly all guys go through a stage of not being that interested in sex.

I'd let it go for the time being to see how things pan out, making an issue about it will only compound things.If it continues long term he may need to see a doctor.

The worse thing you could do, is make it about you.I.E Asking him do you not find me attractive etc, It will make him feel worse, not only is he letting himself down, but also letting you down.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here, Thank you sooooo much for the feedback. Problem started in May and we havent even attempted sex since. How long do you think constitutes 'long term'? I understand this question is ridiculous but I have to admit I'm clueless on the entire matter

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Try to decide if u can live in a sexless relationship

It happened twice... it's not like her OH has said he doesn't want to have sex again .

Personally this is going to become a more prevalent problem the worse/the longer this recession gets or goes on. Worries about job safety, paying the bills etc can take it's toll. Perhaps he just did not feel like sex the last two times but felt like he had to perform to keep you happy? Don't jump to conclusions, just try to discuss it with him.

LegacyUser

op here again, sorry need to clarify.

Obviously long term means long term...in the sense that if the problem continues and he still has the same problem down the road i should suggest he sees a doctor.

I suppose im trying to figure out when would be too soon to suggest that (if you get me!)

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

I have to admit I'm clueless on the entire matter

As are we unfortunately, there could be a limitless number of reasons. Only he can help you work this out.

Do NOT jump in and suggest a doctor. Just try to talk to HIM about it yourself first.

LegacyUser

Hiya OP, I'm really 'happy' with the adventures i'm pursuing at the moment but they are not without their consequences. Pursuing my dreams has meant no steady income etc and i honestly believe its affecting my sex drive and i have a beautiful girlfriend who i adore. We haven't had sex in a few weeks and I don't know how to fix it except wait it out

MJOR

broach it gently with him... it's probably a big deal for him too.Loads of reasons it happens but probably a bit early to suggest the doc. How are other aspects of the relationship? Like affection and general communication? Do you feel a bit unsexy yourself?

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for that everyone! Honestly, I appreciate it. It's hard to talk about this with anyone really.

Ok, Things have been good. He's gone back to college though and hasn't any steady income...I think he's definately a bit stressed but when i asked him this before (the problem even arose....or didnt rather) he said "yes i'm really glad i just went and did this. it's annoying not knowing about income but i'm sure it will work out and i adore the course etc etc" I think he's personally happier than he's ever been.

Hence the confusion.

The feedback here has been amazing, random acts of kindness

Micky Dolenz

Here's what I would do or this is what I would like my lover to do if I had a similar case.

Bottle of wine shared between two is a nice healthy amount of liquor. Just stay in a watch a movie, make sure you have plenty of time with no interruptions. Gently stroke him and kiss him, make him aware that sex is not expected, it is all about him tonight. Get him in a relaxed state and the blood should flow to all the right places.

LegacyUser

MJOR wrote: »

How are other aspects of the relationship? Like affection and general communication? Do you feel a bit unsexy yourself?

Sorry Mjor, only saw this now. I certainly went through a phase of feeling unsexy. I put on the ten pounds over a series of busy periods at work...like desk lunches, snacking, desk dinners. I've definately lost a few pounds again, more like 9st 9 now....so i feel a bit more myself. affection and communication is actually good. (i posted here because i want to get it right, like if everyone had said it was that i was fat i would of said, well at least its just that-i can lose the weight! chuckle!) he's definately not instigating anything. but we do hold hands, smooch and cuddle.

LegacyUser

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Here's what I would do or this is what I would like my lover to do if I had a similar case.

Bottle of wine shared between two is a nice healthy amount of liquor. Just stay in a watch a movie, make sure you have plenty of time with no interruptions. Gently stroke him and kiss him, make him aware that sex is not expected, it is all about him tonight. Get him in a relaxed state and the blood should flow to all the right places.

Thanks Micky, I'll give it a go but ya know its kinda like, i could start stroking him and if nothing happens (erection) I could end up feeling like i've compounded the issue. i've playfully touched him a few times and he kinda just moves away. i don't know who's confidence is getting more eroded by all this!!

MJOR

Well just don't put huge pressure on him to do the deed and maybe as a previous poster said it might just happen

Good luck!!!

LegacyUser

I had the same situation with my ex boyfriend - we had a great sex life and then all of a sudden nothing. I also had put on weight and so when I asked him about it he said that we had both put on weight and he was concious of it. I hot footed it to a detox spa in Thailand and lost a stone in the 10 days and was back to my size 8 clothes again. I arrived back in time for a wedding (his friend) and was looking all tanned with clear skin and blue blue eyes from the detox and everyobe was commenting on how sexy I looked. Anyway spent the night together ...nothing...and the next morning he jumped out of bed as if I had a rash or something!! He said he was under pressure and that it would be sorted when we went on Holiays as he wouldnt be as stressed then. Anyway nothing happened on holidays except 2 weeks of fustration....until the last day when I discovered that he lost interest in sleeping with me he had slept with someone else!!!!! The guilt was eating him up i suppose. I will never know though as he wont talk about it.

It caused 8 months of arguments until we finally decided to call it a day a few weeks ago.

My advise - confront him in the most caring way u can...get to the bottom of it and see if there is something that can be done....but dont beat yourself up about it. this is his issue and it has nothing to do with your weight or anything else to do with u. U sound like a loely girl ...and if u r anything like me u will be blaming yourself. My confidence is at an all time low because of this and I have no idea how I will start to sleep with someone again cause I have such issues over my body at this stage

LegacyUser

Thank you 'same as me' for your post, Op Here. On talking to him about it he says he hopes it will just come back 'naturally'. He says he doesn't know what the problem is. Only positive thing is that he's definately stepped up the affection since then. like being much more huggy and kissy since i brought it up. I seriously hope he hasn't been with someone else, but i guess i can't rule it out.

you too sound like a lovely girl and i hope that while we are stronger for our experiences, we shine brighter rather than be tainted

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I think it says a lot that you've been so patient with him these last couple of months. Is there anything else in your relationship that's changed, like his behavior towards you? Like everyone else said, it could easily just be a psychological issue that's affecting his physical performance, like stress. However, like the previous poster, I also had an experience where I felt my ex-boyfriend suddenly lost interest in me physically. There were other changes as well - he was more distant, not avoiding me but not showing particular interest in me either. As it turned out, he had slept with someone else, and I suppose the guilt of that act prohibited him from being intimate with me (which I'm grateful for, actually). I don't want to assume that he was unfaithful to you at all, but that was my personal experience with this kind of thing. That being said, follow your instinct. If you trust him and think he's just having a bit of a mental block, then continue being patient with him. I wish you all the best : )

Rb

Try losing the weight and see how it goes.

LegacyUser

Hey OP-

I'm in a slightly similar situation myself only we both live with our parents so a lot of not having time alone is because of this. However, I'm not so much even bothered by the lack of sex as I am by the lack of intimacy, which I think you can identify with.

I'd be like you in that I'm trying to understand what the problem is- he's in a crappy job at the moment but going back to college in Sept although he's not even that pushed about the course. He seems to just live for going out at the weekend so he can forget about all the crap & boredom during the week. The thing is though that I don't know what would be worse- knowing that he's slightly depressed (awful for him) or knowing that he just wasn't attracted to me (awful for me). I know I'm overweight (although I'm far from being a blimp! And I'm going to the gym a lot lately which he's aware of) but I confronted him about how unattractive he's making me feel by not even initiating a kiss and he said he doesn't want to change anything about me and that he's sorry I feel that way.

I think if you feel that this guy is worth it that you should stick with him for a while and see does he come around. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him but if he doesn't feel attracted to me then I don't know what purpose I serve in being his girlfriend. You have to feel wanted by your boyfriend- be patient, but he needs to pay you attention too. I know I will not be able to go on forever not feeling wanted. Your boyfriend may have some issues at the moment but considering how good you are being to him, you deserve some attention too. Good luck with it.

unhappycamper

This has happend to me in all my relationships and I'm 28, it's not a big deal at all, just relax a bit more and try not to make an issue of it with him. I have no doubt that if he had the choice he would be brick hard all the time but it's the human body we are talking about here. Just get more dirty with him and wake him up!

Nevyn

There could be a range of medical factors get him to talk to the dr about it.