What do i do?

LegacyUser

Hi guys i met this woman who has two kids with two different guys.I am so in love with her and with all mine heart i want to be with her and the kids.I have been talking about marrying her and all and i want to so much.I have never in this life loved any woman until i met her,she changed me i used to just have women for sex.
She wasn't sleeping around she was with them both in relationships but it wrecks my head and i get so angry with her and i don't know how i can get over her past because i cant bare the thought that she has two kids with someone else.It hurts so much that she has kids with someone else.She said she thought she loved them but was very young and immature and she kept the kids cause they were hers only.I know she loves me with all her heart to and would anything for me.I just get so paranoid and start thinking she would just move on to next guy if i left.She swears to me that's not true and she didn't know what love was till she met me,that she was young and immature and she made mistakes.Can i trust her do women make mistakes like that.
What do i do to get over this i am going crazy but i cant see myself without her either

LegacyUser

I know its really hard when you love someone to imagine them with somebody else but you have to accept that she had a life before she met you, If you love her and want to be with her you have to realise that her and her children come as a package, and they are always going to be put first as far as she is concerned.

It is a really big ask to start a relationship with someone that has children and Im not even sure I would want it depends on how strongly I felt for the person thats something you have to decide.But you can't hold it against her that she had relationships in the past and suggust this means shes going to run off with someone else, Im sure you have had other girlfriends.

LegacyUser

Op here again,Thanks i know i am been stupid its just that hate the thought she was with other men before me and then the kids there to remind me.I am wanting to be strong enough to not let it bother me and i am trying.I really want to be with this woman i have never even had a relationship with anyone before i met her.I wouldn't even let anyone see my other side.Women for me was just fun she brought a whole new meaning to me and that's why i get so upset and annoyed about her been with others,I know its my own stupid stereotyping that people instill on women with kids.The whole man is allowed to have a past and women should just accept it,but if its a woman its a different story.I have been brought up with that mentality and i hate it lingers in me.I also have family telling me she isn't good enough for me and they are forcing their hand.I am pulled between family and what i want to do is marry this woman and be with her rest of mine life.Before i met her i never even imagined i would want to get married let alone stay with one woman in a relationship.
Thanks so much anyone in same position or ever was in this place please.

Karen_*

She has kids and you have to come to terms with that. If you keep going the way you are then if she's any sense she'll tell you where to go because its way to dangerous to be getting involved with someone who is obsessed about the fact you had a life before them. Really OP most women you meet will have had a relationship at some stage. Just like you can't unsleep with the women in your past she can't unhave her kids. And your fears of her moving on will be reality unless you get a grip of yourself.

The talk of anger at her for having kids before you met her is more than a little unsettling.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here again,Thanks i know i am been stupid its just that hate the thought she was with other men before me and then the kids there to remind me.I am wanting to be strong enough to not let it bother me and i am trying.I really want to be with this woman i have never even had a relationship with anyone before i met her.I wouldn't even let anyone see my other side.Women for me was just fun she brought a whole new meaning to me and that's why i get so upset and annoyed about her been with others,I know its my own stupid stereotyping that people instill on women with kids.The whole man is allowed to have a past and women should just accept it,but if its a woman its a different story.I have been brought up with that mentality and i hate it lingers in me.I also have family telling me she isn't good enough for me and they are forcing their hand.I am pulled between family and what i want to do is marry this woman and be with her rest of mine life.Before i met her i never even imagined i would want to get married let alone stay with one woman in a relationship.
Thanks so much anyone in same position or ever was in this place please.

Hey OP - I regret to be so outspoken, but you are in a right mess, and to be honest I seriously doubt if you really love this woman at all. I really do.

What kind of unreasonable attitude is it to be angry with someone because they had a life before you ? Think about it ! It's an unreasonable and arrogant and controlling attitude that I honestly believe makes this situation completely unworkable.

She has gone about her life, like any normal human being, making the best of difficult situations and bringing up two kids on her own. Then you come along and are angry with her ??

If you go ahead you will never swallow the situation, unless you really undergo some serious attitude altering therapy or wake up from this crazy attitude.

if you marry her you will use it in every single crisis moment of argument that you have with her over the future years. Her children and, if you have children with her, your children will suffer the fallout from this attitude you have. So everyone will suffer damage.

I urge you to move on and spare everyone, including yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot for your replies,I see what your saying and i know you are all right.I don't want to finish with her and i should rephrase anger at her i would never hurt her or the kids in anyway.So please do not worry about that.
I have been thinking about it alot if i hadn't got her in my life and how i would feel, and i realised something that i don't want to lose her or the kids.I guess i am a little insecure and scared but i know more than anything i want this to work.She is amazing woman don't doubt i don't know this.
I have alot of people in my ear as well that have been unsettling me and trying to put doubts in my mind.And i guess i let them put their way of thinking on me.I want to deal with and not lose her and give her and her children a good life and make them happy.
Thank you for your replies.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks alot for your replies,I see what your saying and i know you are all right.I don't want to finish with her and i should rephrase anger at her i would never hurt her or the kids in anyway.So please do not worry about that.
I have been thinking about it alot if i hadn't got her in my life and how i would feel, and i realised something that i don't want to lose her or the kids.I guess i am a little insecure and scared but i know more than anything i want this to work.She is amazing woman don't doubt i don't know this.
I have alot of people in my ear as well that have been unsettling me and trying to put doubts in my mind.And i guess i let them put their way of thinking on me.I want to deal with and not lose her and give her and her children a good life and make them happy.
Thank you for your replies.

Lots of good things to say OP. I am relieved that you may be smarter and more mature than you appeared earlier, with respect ... and I really do hope you will see the wisdom and then be happy. I do.

I want to comment on one thing you said above:

i would never hurt her or the kids in anyway

I am sure you are truthful, I suspect that you may not realise that it is not physical hurt or intentional hurt I am referring to. It is the hurt that comes from having a step dad that carries deep resentment and cannot possibly help showing that in his day to day dealings with the children as they grow up. It is the hurt that comes from carrying that resentment into every nasty little bitchy fight you have with your possible wife.... and everyone who has had any long term relationship will tell you that at these times, the worst and most deeply felt resentments and frustrations explode to the surface.

Please keep that in mind..

All the best.

TriceMarie

Unregistered wrote: »

I have never in this life loved any woman until i met her,she changed me i used to just have women for sex.
She wasn't sleeping around she was with them both in relationships but it wrecks my head and i get so angry with her and i don't know how i can get over her past because i cant bare the thought that she has two kids with someone else.

Well then you clearly have a less than perfect past too.
If she's wiling to accept you for your current life,then why can't you accept her for her current life?
Sounds a bit hypocritical to be honest

Taltos

Hi OP

few things here -
1st - is we guys are programmed to be jealous like this - so do not bash yourself over your head on this. Instead accept it and move on, ie find a way to deal with this jealouse.

2nd - life is all about stories - the stories you tell yourself shapes how you deal with things. Just keep visualizing in your head every time you look at these kids - your OH - drill it into your head that they are a pure extension of her. If you even for a sec start thinking about the other guys - focus back on an image of your OH - one where she is smiling and happy. In a short while this will help/

4rd - Outside Pressure - again families are great. However sometimes they blur the lines between watching out for you and interfering. Not many choices here - either stay quiet and let them continue to wear you down - and they will - potentially impacting how you feel about your soul mate and her kids. OR - step up and stand up to them. This is the tough part. But sometimes you just gotta put someones nose out of joint - in my case I threw my father in-law out of the house after he told us we were not married (civil ceremony)... Be polite and recognize that they are only trying to help but advise them that they really do not want to make you choose.

5th - You OH. Right now - this very instant call her or turn to her and tell her you love her. So many people fumble through life bouncing from relationship to relationship and never find someone they would do anything for. You have - so do something special for her - accept your jealousy - love her kids as an extension of her - and hopefully have a happy life together.

6th Final word - do NOT and I cannot impress this on you feel that you have to rush to have a kid here. You already have 2 children and things are tight enough as it is. Take it slowly - do not rush into a marriage and when you decide to have a kid - wait a while....

Best of Luck
T

weird

Here's my two cents. No, you can't trust her. You can't trust anyone really, if life has shown me anything it's that people will let you down more times than not. That said you'd have the same problem with a different partner.

However, this craic about you not being able to "bare the thought that she has two kids with someone else" is really telling.

The problem here isn't her; it's you. You're insecure.

Put your head around this: if you were secure you could handle her leaving you (you'd think: "her loss!"), but you can't and therefore you are afraid. Sure, her leaving would bust you up but if you were really secure you'd know in your heart that you'd recover.

Fact is, you probably got a good thing going here. She's obviously willing to put up with your insecurity. Jump in, have a some faith, and if you fall flat on your arse that's life! Nothing is life is guaranteed, nothing is safe. You could walk out the door and get hit by a bus today. My point is enjoy the good times and stop being insecure.

Also, those kids are her DNA. They're always gonna matter more than you so be prepared for that. Another thing, in my experience unmarried women with two kids don't leave a good man.