Sick of making all the effort

LegacyUser

God I need to let off some steam... I'm fed up with making all the effort when it comes to my friends. Gigs, holiday, meals, nights out all set up by me. One of my close mates only comes out when I arrange these things, the other only comes out when he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Time to start hunting for new friends.

sunnyside

What if you stopped arranging things? You wouldn't have to make an announcement to that effect just don't plan anything for a bit. Say you were too busy with work to book tickets, etc. Would they take the initiative then?

Oh The Humanity

People might be under pressure financially and not able to keep up. I wouldn't think its personal.

There is always a leader/organiser type in the group and then others who are just happy to follow.

Im lazy and I dont like organising things much and always leave it to others. I appreciate their efforts but as well sometimes I get irritated by 'obligations' like stupid girly meals out and stuff like that.....

Gigs yes, holidays....well financial pressure....could be many reasons.

podmu80

Been there too. A lot of guys change big time once a woman comes on their radar! It sucks I know but thats the way it is.

Kimia

OP its actually a good idea to expand your social set and make more friends so that you don't have to depend on this particular crowd and your constant organisation.

Just stop arranging. Don't bother anymore and leave it up to them for a while. If they don't notice or you realise that you haven't been out with these friends for ages because you haven't organised it, well then they're not true friends and they don't care enough to make some small effort.

You are doing too much. It could also be that they are just used to you being the organiser and think that you'll automatically do it so they don't bother - not out of badness but just because they naturally look to you to arrange it all.

Stop for a while and see what happens. You can decide then from there if they are true friends or lazy acquaintances.

mam1

OOH I know excactly what the op means when I was in work I was the person who organised everything..nites out weekends away savings club cinema tickets you name it....so then I had a health issue and have been out of work for quite some time, what happens, its like I never existed,its so annoying frustrating and upsetting....just had to get all that out...rant over!!!Next time I will be a lot more choosy who I befriend.

shqipshume

I was once told by someone very wise words.People sometimes do not realise their actions until pointed out to them.Maybe you should have a word with your friends and tell them how they are been.If they are good friends they will step up and see how selfish they have been.If they are not then you will need new friends.

LegacyUser

Sunnyside,

I'm doing that at the moment and well, as you can see I was posting in frustration at being stuck at home on a lovely Saturday night!

Oh The Humanity,

We're actually all really lucky in that we all still have jobs that are as secure as you can get at the moment.

Kimia,

Spot on! I'm not one to do nothing about this. I don't find it "easy" to make friends, I'm quiet enough, but I do what I have to do. I'm in my early 30s and single and not really getting out there enough. I can't rely on meeting people through my "friends" other friends since they just do there thing so it's up to me. I guess sometimes people just move on... Still, it sucks when you've known them for over 20 years.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of people prefer when someone else is making all the arrangements, it leaves them with a heck of a lot less to have to worry/think about! OP you should take a step back and see how long it takes them to get fed up of things not being done.

Eve_Dublin

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

People might be under pressure financially and not able to keep up. I wouldn't think its personal.

There is always a leader/organiser type in the group and then others who are just happy to follow.

Im lazy and I dont like organising things much and always leave it to others. I appreciate their efforts but as well sometimes I get irritated by 'obligations' like stupid girly meals out and stuff like that.....

Gigs yes, holidays....well financial pressure....could be many reasons.

Yep, I'd be the same as you, OTH. I really appreciate my friends organising things but I don't feel guilty when I don't. Some of my friends plan things 2 weeks in advance and it drives me nutty. God knows what will happen between now and then. One of my friends asked me YESTERDAY (Monday) was I free for a BBQ next Sunday? I was nice about it and told him I wasn't sure yet but could I tell him later in the week and he got in a bit of a huff. I try to make it to most things but I hate feeling obliged to go to anything just because someone organised it without checking dates with anyone else first AND I hate the idea of wishing my life away: I'm busy planning things to do during the week to think about the weekend just yet.

If I do try to organise anything, I find the hassle of trying to please everyone too much but if I refuse to do something, I get stick. Every group has a leader and you're it, it would seem. If you don't like that role, then stop.

And I've learnt a long time ago that you can't depend on your old childhood friends OP. You need to make more friends that suit where you're at in your own life.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I think a lot of people prefer when someone else is making all the arrangements, it leaves them with a heck of a lot less to have to worry/think about! OP you should take a step back and see how long it takes them to get fed up of things not being done.

They'll probably just continue doing whatever they're doing and send a "we should meet for pints sometime" text every now and then or ask to meet me for pints during the week because they've got better things to do at the weekend! Yeah, I'm feeling really left out. How am I supposed to meet new people via friends?

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Yep, I'd be the same as you, OTH. I really appreciate my friends organising things but I don't feel guilty when I don't. Some of my friends plan things 2 weeks in advance and it drives me nutty. God knows what will happen between now and then. One of my friends asked me YESTERDAY (Monday) was I free for a BBQ next Sunday? I was nice about it and told him I wasn't sure yet but could I tell him later in the week and he got in a bit of a huff. I try to make it to most things but I hate feeling obliged to go to anything just because someone organised it without checking dates with anyone else first AND I hate the idea of wishing my life away: I'm busy planning things to do during the week to think about the weekend just yet.

If I do try to organise anything, I find the hassle of trying to please everyone too much but if I refuse to do something, I get stick. Every group has a leader and you're it, it would seem. If you don't like that role, then stop.

And I've learnt a long time ago that you can't depend on your old childhood friends OP. You need to make more friends that suit where you're at in your own life.

It's not really frustration at being the "leader", which I'm not anyway. I'm the quietest in the group, I think I've just made more effort over the years to keep things going as I find it hard to make new friends, although not as hard as I used to.

polyfusion

It's nice to be asked/invited along to stuff like that. Maybe they're so used to you organising stuff, that they'd feel like they'd be stepping on your toes if they organised something. Are you still getting a good percentage of people to turn up? If you are, then you're doing something right (wish I had friends more like that). But like others said, step back a bit if you feel you're having the initiative too often. But if they are good friends, try not to be too aloof or off-standish; you don't want to alienate people if they are good friends you'd like to keep.

Eve_Dublin

Seether wrote: »

It's not really frustration at being the "leader", which I'm not anyway. I'm the quietest in the group, I think I've just made more effort over the years to keep things going as I find it hard to make new friends, although not as hard as I used to.

I know where you're coming from and your hearts in the right place. I do have very old friends (I'm almost 30) who are constantly organising things all the time and I appreciate that they're trying to keep things going but I've got busier with age and unfortunately don't have the time I used to have to hang out with them. A few people who know us commented on how we expect too much from each other and how we take it too personally if someone doesn't take up the invite. I think friends drift apart as you get older..it's a sad part of life but you can't expect the same time from your friends in your 30s as you do in your childhood, teens and early 20s. I know, it sucks OP.

[-0-]

I sympathise with the OP, as I have been there.. and honestly I still am there too.

Take a step back for a minute and don't get worked up over this. I'm guessing you're in your twenties? I'm in my mid twenties, and I haven't had a night out with all of my "closest friends" in about a year. Why? Three of us moved to Galway, one bought a house, another is about to become a father, and the other fella is in college in Dublin.

The lad who bought the house has a misses and we rarely see him when he's going out with someone, but you know what? They are your mates and they need you. I don't mind that I haven't seen them, or that they haven't made much of an effort lately to meet up because I'm a real friend. I don't get annoyed at this sort of thing anymore because I've realised we all have stuff going on in our life. It happens. It's important to make the most of the time you have with them.

I do, however, echo some of the previous comments about finding new friends. I've made some great friends in Galway since I moved up here, and I'm as close with some of them as I am with my friends back home. We all could use a few more friends and an ear to burn when something goes wrong hehe.

Chin up good sir. I would still arrange something maybe once a month. But do take a wee step back.