Valid reason for break up?

LegacyUser

Hi,
my boyfriends of almost four months broke up with me last night. Things were going really well and we both knew early on that there were a lot of feelings there, texting long messages, talking all night on our first date etc.
I was gutted when this happened. Thing is he is in a bit of a rut with his job/work life and is hoping to apply for college next year. He had also been in a long term relationship for three years with a girl. We didn't talk much about this but he told me they weren't meant to be, had no spark and they were both content but not happy with things so they ended. They broke up in about February and we started dating in the end of March.
I know now looking back on things we were probably both stupid to get involved, me for thinking he could just move on from a long term relationship like that and him for jumping straight back in. But last night he said that he thought there was a spark there with us that he never had with her, that was why he asked me out on a date as we had been texting quite a while, and if he knew how good things would be between us he would have ended with her quicker.
Reason for break up was that he needed time on his own, to do his own thing and that he realisies now that we probably shouldn't have dated so soon after it.
I accept this about 90% as he says feelings are still there and he feels just he needs to sort out where he is going in his life, may include possibility of travel etc.
I am not going to contact him but would love to think we could get back together in the future as the only thing for me that seems to be wrong is timing.
Do you think the reason for the break up was valid and that there is a chance we could get back together?
Probably a stupid question to ask but because i was so happy with things up till yesterday, there could be something glaringly obvious that im missing and would hate to think im being walked all over here?
Any opinions much appreciated.

Monkey61

My own personal opinion on this is that after a break up, one of the most dangerous things you can do, is start to wonder if there is any hope in the future for a reconciliation. It rarely happens and there is nothing like keeping that hope alive to stop you from moving on like you should.

It may indeed have been too soon for him, but on the other hand, it may not. It might just be that you and him aren't meant to be. He may just have decided that it must be too soon because he was having doubts about you and knew that he didn't like you as much as he should.

It is a simplistic view I know, but I do think that if somebody likes you enough then they will be with you. If they don't want to be with you, it just means that they don't like you enough and therefore you have to move on. He could meet somebody else tomorrow, fall in love and marry them the next day.

If he really wanted to be with you then he would be, irrespective of time limits and such. You could hang around waiting and wondering and there is always the slightest possibility that he will miss you and come running back - but I think that is only a very very small chance. In the meantime you need to move on, mourn the break up and then do everything that you can to move forward.

LegacyUser

In my view, its a pretty valid/genuine reason. He just needs some space - probably doesnt know WHAT he wants right now. I wouldn't take it personally and I would suggest, like you said, that its bad timing. Now he could very well be lying about it - but I don't think so, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I think it's very mature and wise of you to not contact him. To contact him and to 'push' him would probably be the biggest mistake you could make. There is a chance you two could get back together. I'd leave it a weeks/couple of months even and then send him a text asking how things are, just being friendly. After all, aside from timing, you probably made a great couple.

At the same time,however, don't get your hopes up. Down the road he may still not want to get back together - he could get back with his ex yet. Remember that. The same thing happened to me. My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me, said he needed space etc. yet also had told me about how his ex (he'd been seeing her about 3 yrs) wasnt right for him. But when we broke up, he got back with her!! He took the time and space he needed and then obv contacted her again. Depends on how hung up this guy is on his ex, that is if he's hung up at all - he may not be.

hope this helps, best of luck

tbh

I think that it's very difficult for us to put ourselves in a position where someone else can make us feel like the OP is feeling now, on sometimes on nothing more than a whim. That's really what trust is

OP, I do know where you're at, but I also know where you'll be, given time. Unfortunately, this is just one of those things that happen, over which you have no control. That's why being in a relationship has it's highs and lows. For me, the fact that I know that my missus could bring my whole life down around my ears tomorrow, but won't, is really special.

The price you have to pay for that is that sometimes you have false starts, you know? You get your heart broken, and you break some hearts.

So, the best advice I could give to you now is to forget about the whys - they don't matter. Even if you knew, you couldn't fix it. So just remember this

It's nothing personal. It's not something you've done, or something you are. It might have been the right person, but just at the wrong time. If the two of you had a bond that can never be broken, you'll get back together. If not, you'll find someone you love more than you loved your ex.

Just as the good days sadly don't last forever, neither do the bad ones. Try and distract yourself for a while, and don't be afraid to be sad or pissed off or whatever, it's perfectly natural to react like that when you are shocked and grieving.

komodosp

From what you've written, my take on it is that he feels kind of tied down, and after being in a long relationship, he wants a while to be free and single, as in without having to think about someone else all the time and include them in his plans. It's nothing to do with you and perhaps, yeah, if the timing had been different, you might have stayed together.

Unfortunately, I don't think this means that you will be getting back together as soon as he has had time to relax. Not beyond the possibility but during this time, I'm thinking you and he will have emotionally moved on, and the spark that's there now might not still be there. If you're going to get back together, I think it will be in the next few days, and be because he'll realise he was a bit hasty.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the opinions, really helped get my head a bit straighter.
I've decided I'm not going to wait around for him as part of me can't understand it either.
If he wants me back he will have to work very hard at it and he texted me good night last night and i told him this.
I know I've never met anyone like him before and i know the crap relationships so I'm hoping this will win out in the end. If it doesn't well obviously we're not meant to be.
Since thinking about it yesterday i half understand and am half confused by his reasons, maybe he needs his time alone but if things were as good between us as i thought, why would he feel like this?
Anyway, onwards and upwards and I'm not wasting my time hanging around for him, will not contact him and just see what happens. Going to give him the impression that I'm ok with this.
Many thanks again, really appreciate ye're advice and opinions.