Am I a big sucker or what?

LegacyUser

I broke up with me ex last year, we had been together three years. We lived together and it got too much, he couldn’t handle the responsibility, felt he was letting me down all the time, we argued a lot and decided to split. We didn’t last long before we met up again. He kept texting and calling me and we would meet up a few times, I would decide I couldn’t handle it so we would have a break again Anytime I felt I was moving on I would hear from him again and we would start again.

When I thought it was going well, I found out he had been out with a girl a few times and was texting her. He stayed at her house the night before meeting me and was so tired when we hung out, like he had been up all night. I got really upset and said I couldn’t do it anymore and ended it again. He couldn’t handle it and chased me saying he didn’t want to lose me and he loved me more than anyone and wanted to get back together and make me happy. I finally agreed and we were so happy. Then he went away for a month, and I missed him so much. I had loads of emails, calls and texts about how much he missed me. Then when he came home he was distant. He broke up with me out of the blue (well we had one big fight where he let me down in front of all my mates and was rude to me) and I was devestated. He left it a week before calling me and trying to see me again to talk in person.All the while, saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship but he loved me. He said he realised it a day before he came home. Well I had the most depressed last three or four months. I couldn’t shake the rejection and the physical pain in my heart. I have been seeing other guys, who I actively asked out (guys I knew liked me previously) as I wanted a rebound. And I am half seeing someone now.

I feel a lot better and stronger but I have left my ex back into my life and we are seeing eachother. He says he knows we will end up together and that he is just too messed up right now to be in a relationship but he doesn’t want to lose me. He knows I am seeing someone (very casual at the moment) and he knows about the other two. He says he is so jealous about it and started texting a girl to meet up as he needed to even the score. It didn’t happen though as far as I know.

I am not sure what this thread is about other than am I being a complete fool? I think I will have to end it soon as I feel my confidence slipping. I have not recovered from beong dumped so suddenly when I had let him back in. I know he loves me and we have the most amazing fun times together, banter, inspiring conversations, great sex life...I just am not sure if I can walk away but he is offering me nothing other than in the future we will be together. He gets distant when I get upset about it and refuses to talk about it. He says all we do is talk about it but I feel we don’t as he avoids everything.

He is younger than me and maybe its just an immaturity thing?Although I am sure from this post I sound like the immature naïve one.

Slow Motion

You say you're not sure what this thread is about. I think you do, you are waiting for someone to tell you what you already know. So here it is, your ex sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too (stupid expression but you know what I mean). I don't think this pattern is not likely to change unless you change it. Make the break and move on, it will be tough but better for all concerned in the long run. Delete his number and ignore his calls if you have to because as far as he is concerned he can chase you for a bit and you will give in so he can have sex, be in a comfortable realtionship until something else catches his eye etc. and then play the field again. Repeat pattern as often as you will allow it!

Yunalesca

Unregistered wrote: »

I have not recovered from beong dumped so suddenly

You are not a piece of rubbish to be dumped. You are a person who should be treated with respect. You need to see this.

I have to say I THOURGHOULY understand what you are going though, having gone through a similiar situation myself.

You are obviously a kind and caring lady who enjoys being in a relationship. This is no sin at all! However I will say to you that this man knows well what side his bread is buttered on.

He is promising you that you two may get back together in the future. That's very nice of him, isn't it? This promise he has made to you now means that you are left putting your life on hold.

At the moment you can't possibly become part of a fufilling and loving relationship because your subconciously thinking, 'We'll get back together. I must leave myself free for him.' Even if you are having flings none of them will work out as you are thinking (without knowing even) that you must leave yourself free for him.

Even if you do really love this man, I'd suggest you think long and hard about the situation. If it were me, I'd be letting him go. I wouldn't even ask him to make up his mind. I'd say, 'Look, we're on and off for a long time, it shouldn't really be this compliated. You're not sure if you really want me, but I know I don't want this.'

Then I'd delete his number from my phone and try to make a go of a new life without him. Who knows? An even nicer man might come along!

And if you do decide to cut ties with this man, please keep this in mind: You will hear that he has a new woman. You will hear that they are madly in love and that they are well suited. You will hear that she is better than you in so many ways. This will be because he will want to know how you've messed up and what mistakes you've made. Just ignore that and concentrate on you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! And remember that you can't really make mistakes in life, just learn valuable lessons.

Beetlebum

Yunalesca wrote: »

You are not a piece of rubbish to be dumped. You are a person who should be treated with respect. You need to see this.

I have to say I THOURGHOULY understand what you are going though, having gone through a similiar situation myself.

You are obviously a kind and caring lady who enjoys being in a relationship. This is no sin at all! However I will say to you that this man knows well what side his bread is buttered on.

He is promising you that you two may get back together in the future. That's very nice of him, isn't it? This promise he has made to you now means that you are left putting your life on hold.

At the moment you can't possibly become part of a fufilling and loving relationship because your subconciously thinking, 'We'll get back together. I must leave myself free for him.' Even if you are having flings none of them will work out as you are thinking (without knowing even) that you must leave yourself free for him.

Even if you do really love this man, I'd suggest you think long and hard about the situation. If it were me, I'd be letting him go. I wouldn't even ask him to make up his mind. I'd say, 'Look, we're on and off for a long time, it shouldn't really be this compliated. You're not sure if you really want me, but I know I don't want this.'

Then I'd delete his number from my phone and try to make a go of a new life without him. Who knows? An even nicer man might come along!

And if you do decide to cut ties with this man, please keep this in mind: You will hear that he has a new woman. You will hear that they are madly in love and that they are well suited. You will hear that she is better than you in so many ways. This will be because he will want to know how you've messed up and what mistakes you've made. Just ignore that and concentrate on you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! And remember that you can't really make mistakes in life, just learn valuable lessons.

Aw, what a lovely post. I really like the end part about learning valuable lessons.

Op, it sounds to me like he is using you for an ego boost and as an emotional crutch. You deserve to be with somebody who knows how lucky they are to be with you. If a guy is madly in love with you he won't keep getting confused and not ready for a relationship and all the other cliched responses people give when their heart is not fully in it. I bet in happier times of your relationship with him there was none of this uncertainty and messing around.

You know what needs to be done and only you can do it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the nice posts. I know its all correct, and I agree. The right thing for me to do is walk away. It hurts alot to think that someone loves you but dont want to be with you. I am a passionate person and would love him 100%, and I cannot understand the logic in loving someone but not wanting to be with them. And I know he loves me, he tells me so all the time and I believe him. I guess he loves himself more though and wants the single life.

You are right about not being able to give my all in another relationship if I am still holding a torch for him. I would love to be in a loving relationship where I am treated with respect. I think I have come to accept whats been going on and am getting used to being continually let down. Its just going to be so hard as he is such a cool person. I know he sounds bad from this post, but he is a really smart, interesting person. Just also selfish and immature! I don’t know of any guy that comes close and I havent met anyone in the past year that I felt a connection with. I know thats not enough though.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the nice posts. I know its all correct, and I agree. The right thing for me to do is walk away. It hurts alot to think that someone loves you but dont want to be with you. I am a passionate person and would love him 100%, and I cannot understand the logic in loving someone but not wanting to be with them. And I know he loves me, he tells me so all the time and I believe him. I guess he loves himself more though and wants the single life.

You are right about not being able to give my all in another relationship if I am still holding a torch for him. I would love to be in a loving relationship where I am treated with respect. I think I have come to accept whats been going on and am getting used to being continually let down. Its just going to be so hard as he is such a cool person. I know he sounds bad from this post, but he is a really smart, interesting person. Just also selfish and immature! I don’t know of any guy that comes close and I havent met anyone in the past year that I felt a connection with. I know thats not enough though.

I love you
It's just words, lots of people say it when it means nothing, hearing it is great, but I suspect it is waffle to string you along, for sex, kicks or vanity

LegacyUser

Original OP here...

Just incase anyone is interested. I finally cut ties for good. In a nice respectful way in person We both said nice things and cried alot but I was firm about it. He is not to contact me again. He promised he wouldnt. I said also I am not holding a torch for him as then I will never be able to move on properly. I deleted his number, moved any evidence of him into a box under the bed (photos and things, not his chopped up body or anything...).

And I will not go back to what I was doing with him. We will be friends one day I am sure and there are no hard feelings. Feel sooo much better, my normal thought patterns are returning (as in its not all him) and I know its for the best, even though its so feckin sad. Phew!

Yunalesca

Hey OP, that's great to hear!! You've done an extremely hard thing by cutting him off, well done to you! I wish you best of luck in the future!

themacdaddy

Great news OP. He was using you a safety net in my opinion so I am glad you have cut ties with him. I know it is tough now but everyday you will feel a little better. You only have one life so don't waste it on a guy who doesn't really love you.

All the best.