Bullied (Apologies long post)

LegacyUser

Hi all,

As a child I was bullied. My family were not very well off, my dad died (as a result of alcoholism) when I was very young and my mom found it hard to support herself, my brother and I. With this, I was quiet and so an easy target for the bullying. I don't remember much of it happening up until about the age of 10 (4th/5th class). Prior to this I was quite good friends with some of the bullies (however they were still pretty mean girls) and like I said, it started to take place in 4th,5th,6th class.

The majority of girls in my class were at it to be honest. That's surprising I suppose but true. I was not the only person bullied - there were two other girls who were constantly picked on. Anyways when I left that school and went on into secondary (the secondary school I attended was not the same one the girls in my class attended - thank God), things improved. I made good friends. I remember my first day in 1st year - I literally could not get over how nice people were in my class and how nobody was bullying me. That is such a vivid memory. Anyways, like I said, I made some good friends. However I was withdrawn and found it hard at times to talk to the new people in my class. If it wasnt for them initiating conversations etc I'd say I wouldn't have had any friends at all.

I enjoyed secondary school. I went on to college when I finished and of course, entered the 'adult' world. I went to Maynooth and nobody else in my class went to that college so I was basically starting from scratch again - had to make new friends etc. I found it hard. I became even more withdrawn. I felt uncomfortable talking to people, couldn't hold a conversation (very one sided with them asking questions etc.), was nervous when I met people, couldnt look people in the eye etc. I made some friends but mainly, once again, due to them initiating conversations and keeping in touch etc. One friend I did make actually turned out to be a bit of a bully herself and bossed me around, insulted me, liked to try and control me etc. I stopped being friends with her. The other friends I made however I sort of lost contact with too because I never initiate the contact. It's like I dont know how to and don't know what to say etc.

Now that I've finished college, I find that in my daily life, in my new job etc etc I still have a problem talking to people. And to be honest - it is only when I am communicating with girls/women, especially those of my own age. I can be myself around guys far more easily than girls. I'm reserved, I never enter into 'banter' with females I know, I dont know what to talk to them about, I sometimes avoid meeting people and pretend I dont see people I know in public places because I fear how uncomfortable it will be. I'm better than what I used to be but I just wish I could just be more 'normal'. To put it simply, I'm so damn fearful that people are judging me. I'm afraid to change the tone of my voice or joke around or anything cause I feel I'm gonna look stupid. I get forgotten about, I have no friend who really 'knows' me. The only girls I could safely say I'd enjoy spending time with and would feel fairly comfortable are those from secondary school.

Is it possible that the bullying in primary school could have had this effect? I still see those bullies around at times (never talk to them or anything). get so mad - it angers me cause i think - You caused me so much harm. I'm so shy, so withdrawn, so paranoid about people not liking me/making fun/judging me. But am I wrong? Is it possible they're not at fault?

LegacyUser

It would make sense that the treatment you suffered in school by these girls would have a big impact on you as an adult. I don't see how it couldn't. You say you are more comfortable around men. I'm not surprised, boys probably didn't treat you as badly as those girls did.
Because there was such a large number of girls bullying you , you probably tend to see all women nowadays as bitches, which is a pity.

You said you see some of the ex bullies on the street sometimes. It would be very empowering if you could approach them and tell them exactly how they made you feel back then.

I think you could really benefit from some sort of therapy to retrain your automatic negative thinking around people. Have a look into CBT(cognitive behavior therapy) or NLP(neuro-linguistic programming).

Babooshka

Hiya

I'm a woman and even so, I think we're bigger trouble makers than most men, at times, especially school days! It's our hormones mostly. I was bullied at school like you, but in secondary, not primary where I was at mixed school and loved it cos it was more balanced. Then onto a convent at secondary, and bitchy nuns and bitchy girls every day was a complete minefield and I hated it. I find the same thing later in life with women, find it very hard to relate to a lot of them and keep my distance, so yes, in answer to your question, the past can be a huge influence on your life now, I know it is on mine. It's all about trusting people really.

I have one very good female friend and that's about it, even at work I have always found it's women who need to vent, gossip, talk sh*te...and like I say, even though I am one and do all of these things myself too, it still bugs the sh*te out of me about us sometimes. It's kind of a wierd one.

All I know is, that now having reached mid 30's I'm comfortable enough to know myself a lot better and don't beat myself up about how I feel in situations. I know my limits when it comes to trust and generally I get on with women but keep it superficial with most and don't divulge a lot about my personal life at work etc.

But I don't think it's that uncommon, I think a lot more women are like this than you'd imagine and only have a couple of female friends they really trust. What I'm saying is, you'll find ways around it to live with it and still have a social life too. If you can try work through your discomfort sometimes, I know it's scary, but just bite the bullet, feel stupid if you say something goofy...they're the things that make people unique and attractive...people like goofy!! I can relate to what you're saying because even though fundamentally I know I am funny and have a sense of humour I feel so serious sometimes, overly so, and am scared that I bore people etc. it's irrational and untrue but it's a lack of confidence from those earlier days (I had a father fond of the drink too, lots of sad times as a kid)...I just know where you're coming from so sorry this is so long...but it will get easier the older you get, honest. Because you'll just start to know yourself and your own comfort zones a bit more without worrying who you're impressing or not. Start now..you matter, not anyone else.:o

Best of luck - B

xcarriex

I went through something similar, and mam insisted i go see someone, there was a whole wash of underlying problems, and i was dignosed with bi-polar, im not even insinuating thats what you have, but thats how i ended up seen a doc, and i start talking, and i was the same withdrawn quiet, always seemed that my 'friends' were walking all over me, and i resented myself for it,

Maybe there is someone, ur brother perhaps that you can talk to, personally its the best thing i ever done speaking about it, i realised that i was worth well more than just letting people walk all over me, i can stand up for myyself, and i can appreciate when i have a new friend add to me list!!

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks so much for all the great advice and words of support, I really appreciate it