Friend or lover?

LegacyUser

How do you know if you really love someone or if you just think of them as a friend? I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years, been living together for 3. When we first met I was crazy about her, I used constantly check my phone to see if I had a text from her and really looked forward to seeing her.
Since we moved in together I think my feelings have changed and now I'm worried I don't really love her anymore. I know a lasting love isn't the same as the excitement in the first few months or years but I'm finding I don't miss her when we're apart and now look forward to time by myself more than anything. I enjoy spending some time together and we have a fair bit in common but I think I'm becoming increasingly resentful about the demands she puts on my time and attention. I don't feel so attracted to her anymore and rarely initiate sex. It's making me wonder if I'm starting to view her as an overly-demanding friend rather than a lover and I'm just not sure if I'm happy anymore.

Gholimoli

The whole sex thing will happen with any one else as well if you are with them that long.
It may be a bit hard to believe unless you have done it a few times but trust me…no matter who it is and what it was like at first, it will lose it’s novelty after a while.
As it did with you current GF.

IMO the key is communication. you both need to be as honest as possible about how you feel.
There is no point considering her feelings, if doing so for a long time is going to put a lot of pressure on you and end up in you resenting her.
Remind your self that this relationship is going to stay for a while so you have to be as comfortable as possible (this goes for both of you).
I don’t buy-in to the whole “love” thing.
To me a long relationship is like an arrangement.
I’m looking for some things I my life so I look for a person who can fulfil them for me.
I understand that in order for that to happen I will have to fulfil things for her.
I know what I want and have a good idea of what I’m prepared to compromise in order to get that.
The compromise is you fulfilling her needs.
Just remember that this is not for short time but it’s for the long hall so there is no point in “putting up” with things that you can not sustain for the long term.

Front

Gholimoli wrote: »

The whole sex thing will happen with any one else as well if you are with them that long.
It may be a bit hard to believe unless you have done it a few times but trust me…no matter who it is and what it was like at first, it will lose it’s novelty after a while.
As it did with you current GF.

IMO the key is communication. you both need to be as honest as possible about how you feel.
There is no point considering her feelings, if doing so for a long time is going to put a lot of pressure on you and end up in you resenting her.
Remind your self that this relationship is going to stay for a while so you have to be as comfortable as possible (this goes for both of you).
I don’t buy-in to the whole “love” thing.
To me a long relationship is like an arrangement.
I’m looking for some things I my life so I look for a person who can fulfil them for me.
I understand that in order for that to happen I will have to fulfil things for her.
I know what I want and have a good idea of what I’m prepared to compromise in order to get that.
The compromise is you fulfilling her needs.
Just remember that this is not for short time but it’s for the long hall so there is no point in “putting up” with things that you can not sustain for the long term.

Nonsense... There are plenty of couples together longer than the OP and his OH who are in loving relationships that amount to more than a series of arrangements and compromise. You mightn't have found it - but it doesn't apply to everyone.

Sex -I agree to a point - it needs to be kept fresh - worked on to make sure both partners are satisfied and excited by it.

Gholimoli

Front wrote: »

Nonsense... There are plenty of couples together longer than the OP and his OH who are in loving relationships that amount to more than a series of arrangements and compromise. You mightn't have found it - but it doesn't apply to everyone.

Sex -I agree to a point - it needs to be kept fresh - worked on to make sure both partners are satisfied and excited by it.

We have a different definition of "loving relationship".
What i described above is al loving relationship to me.

i did say that was IMO.

ManOfMystery

OP, you are almost exactly describing the situation I was in with my ex. Although I wasn't as crazy about her from the offset as you appeared to be, we got on well (bar a bit of arguing). When we moved in together a lot changed and I found myself wanting time on my own, not missing her, etc. It didn't feel 'right'.

Anyway, we broke up and went our seperate ways. I'm now with someone else (not living together) and am very happy with her.

Trust your instincts

Front

Gholimoli wrote: »

We have a different definition of "loving relationship".
What i described above is al loving relationship to me.

i did say that was IMO.

Cool, badly responded to by me I admit

LegacyUser

OP here

I can identify with what you say about it just not feeling "right" ManofMystery. I think I could not see her for a month or two and not really miss her that much at all. For me being in a loving relationship should at least involve wanting to spend time with that person, not constantly wishing I had more time by myself, so clearly somethings gone wrong. The way I feel I'm not sure I even want to be in a relationship at the moment if being so closely tied to someone else is making me feel this way.