ever had your birth parents says they love you..

clueless-1

yes, well it hasnt happen to me but to someone really close to my heart...

I am trying to understand how this must be affectign him...
see he knows both his birth parents, they are still together, and he has got to know them for the past 3 years or so..they also have more children now under 5 years old.
He has mainly seen them for the sake of the childrens as they are his blood brother/sister and he is getting close to them now...hes not talking as much about the birth parents appart from the fact that the father appears to want to get close to him more and more, as you would imagine the mother would more...but recently as he was coming back from yet another visit, the birth father told him his feelings toward him are the same then for his young childrens.....needless to say before that day my friend was starting as he said "to get to know himself" but after that day he has appeared lost and very confused at the moment and I cant imagine what its like. even said he didnt know who he was anymore...again.

He has mentioned in the past that he couldnt understand why I loved him (we used to go out together) as he didnt even who he was himself for him it was hard to understand how or why someone could love him.

Anyway, I would love to hear from anyone who has met their birht parents who had a similar situation and how did you handle it, what was the outcome for you emotionaly.

I want to be there for him, and I believe you dont need to be with someone to care for them.

thank you for reading.

The_Conductor

I don't think there is any way to discuss this easily. Different people handle the emotions associated with being adopted in very different ways. I can only imagine how your friend finds matters- not only are both his parents together- but he has a number of full siblings- brothers and sisters- who probably know nothing about the past, and may possibly not ever have it explained to them.

While you might be surprised that its his father who has had the courage to say to him that he thinks of his son in exactly the same manner- as he does his other children- and not the mother- you have to ask yourself- where is his birthmother emotionally, in all of this? She may have felt compelled by circumstances to give him up for adoption- and never expected to see him again. Yet- here he is, with his brothers and sisters- perhaps she is imagining what may have been?

How does your friend feel about this- how can he feel about it- when all of his life he has been a blank slate- probably grateful to his adoptive parents for the loving home they provided to him, possibly resentful towards his birthmum or birthparents- all the time wonder who he is, what is his place in the world.

I've never had my birthmum tell me that she loves me- I've never had the strength to search for my birthfather, I've never met any brothers or sisters, so I can't really begin to imagine whats going through your friend's mind.

There can be a number of different sentiments at play- very possibly a lack of feeling of belonging, to anyone- and an inability to accept situations for what they are. Were I to imagine myself in your friends situation- the strongest emotion is one of sadness. Of what might have been. He has found his birth family- but will never truly be a part of it.

Just because he has found his birthfamily- does not mean he has found a part of himself- or even begun to recognise what his role is- who he is, what life means to him, what his place is. It is probably impossible for him to accept what his birthfather has said to him- if he does not love himself, attach a value to himself, and sees how he is valuable in other people's lives.

Your friend needs to accept himself- before he can accept the welcome and love being offered to him, by others.

Adoption can be very hard on some people- not only do many adoptees have severe abondonment issues, often our very self worth is non-existant, even in our own eyes.

Its lovely that your friend has found his birthfamily- and he is lucky in some respects that his siblings are not old enough to question who he is and why he is there (and to understand the answers to those questions). Its the unconditional acceptance of him by his siblings- which may mean more to him- than the acceptance by his father. Be there for him.