wasting my time with wrong man???

LegacyUser

im 33 and have been with my boyfriend who is 37 for 5 years. i started seeing him whilst in a different relationship so we have always had trust problems. he is a sensitive/caring/nice guy and was always a bit of a girls guy for this reason and is in contact with nearly all his x girlfriends.
when it is good it is great and i think he is amazing. he was alot more loving and affectionate at the start of the relationship but then so was i. i know it is only natural that this goes a bit. our sex life has become quieter but then we rarely go out anymore since we moved to the country.
lately we have spoken about marriage/kids. he is not keen on marriage but would like to have a child. we have decided to start trying asap so it should be an exciting time. i would perfer if he could give me some commitment first but do not want a big wedding. i told him that i just wanted both of us to go away together but he is just not interested in getting married. he just gives the usual excuses... expensive/ dosnt believe in it/ whats wrong with how we are now? etc
so im prepared to go along with it and just have a baby, maby i was being a bit old fashioned with the marriage thing.
i still have niggling doubts in my head and im just not getting those feelings i used to get from him. he seems more interested in porn type sex than real loving affectionate sex and i just dont feel loved i suppose.
anyhow tonite i read his emails which he accidently left open.(i you will slate me for this but dont give out to me until you are in the situation and want answers).
he keeps in contact with an ex girlfriend who is married and has kids and some of his jokey comments upset me a litte.......'you always were hot blooded"...." dont blame me for your kinky mind, i just woke it up". they had fairly harmless conversations but it bothered me.
in a mail to another friend of his he signed off with " miss you too.xxx' she and he were very close and she spoke about coming over to ireland and would love to see him. the rest was innocent but i just felt betrayed reading it.
i just though how dare you be so nice and loving to these girls even if it is innocent but you struggle to give me commitment or affection.
i am having second thoughts about trying for a baby with him but i love him. im not going to give him an ultimatium marry me or else....
i know he was very untrusting with me because of the messy way we started and i did some very mean things to him but do i have to live with that all my life.
i just dont want to waste anymore time. at 33 i really want a baby but i want a man who wants me and loves me enough to marry me and who only calls me beautiful and who can have normal conversation with a woman/x girlfriend like he has with his male friends.am i insecure? is he afraid of commitment? does he needs girls attention? is he insecure? i really dont want to confront him about the emails because i hate fighting with him but i really dont want to waste anymore of my life with the wrong man?

LegacyUser

To OP:
Just recently came out of a similar type of relationship to yours I believe, started with "overlapping" on my part too and I think was something I didn't see as a huge red flag until it was too late.
OP to quote Dr.Phil "if he cheats with you ,he will cheat ON you".
My ex was a fun affectionate guy, very open and had lots of exGFs who adore him.
He was just the tonic I needed when I was stuck in a loveless, cold abusive relationship..it was what made me love him.
However the constant contact with his Ex's drove me round the bend! His emails were full of suggestive talk and lots of xxxxx's.
He went on and on about having a baby too, even giving out when I got contraceptives.
I refused to have a baby with no commitment...I am divorced and have kids already so I know how much a baby costs and how your career is affected(it is even if it's not PC to say it). At least with a divorce you get child maintenance....not so easy to get if you don't marry.
Lucky for me I used my brain because turns out he was cheating on me...bullet dodged.
If you have a baby with him without a Very Useful Certificate it will be you whose life is in shreds not his if you break up.
Sorry to be so brutal but as a divorcee I found that Cert very useful.

gerardo1982

I wouldn't have a baby with him unless he is 100% commited, getting married before having a child isn't old fashioned - it protects you and the child. He doesn't give you the love and affection you need yet he is quite capable of giving affection (via email) to his ex. Looks like he is keeping his options open.

messygirl

Having a baby is a bigger commitment than getting married. Marriages can break up but you can finish and cut all ties, but having a baby means forever! if you really want to see what he will be like how about getting a dog first, then upgrade, not ideal i know but still at least you will have an indication of how he can take care of another living creature. Sounds like you have already made your decision though,