New guy - head in a pickle

LegacyUser

Okay here it goes, this is probably not a major issue in light of other people's problems on this site but, im in urgent need of some friendly advice
Basically im a girl in my twenties , been going out with a guy for a few years and everything is going good. But, heres the issue a new guy started in work a few months ago and we've become good friends, we talk most days etc about everything and anything. But, lately this new guy is in my head more than my boyfriend is, i think about him alot and im feeling so guilty over it but, i cant help myself. The new guy is so different on so many levels from my boyfriend and in some respects we have a lot more in common and can talk about things i cant talk about with my boyfriend. I love talking to him and i dont really want to stop talking to him and being friends with him.
I dont really know what im asking you guys, i think i just need other peoples views on it, should i be feeling guilty? does this mean i dont really love the guy im with now??

pookie82

Here's what I think. You've been in a relationship for a few years now and know your OH inside out most likely, all the bad habits as well as the good. you guys have become familiar with one another in the way only long term couples can, and you know what interests you share and how you feel about most major issues.

Enter new guy, who you get along really well with, and who seems to share some interests that your OH doesn't. There's a bit of a spark there, not necessarily a romantic one, but the sense that two people have really hit it off and have a lot in common. You feel guilty for thinking about this new person a lot because you feel like you're betraying your OH and that if you were really in love, you wouldn't think twice about anyone else, ever.

I think the likelihood here is that you're still in love with your OH, but you guys have perhaps fallen into a bit of a rut, and this new person has inspired new exciting feelings in you (again, not necessarily romantic, just those of a kindred spirit, so to speak). The majority of couples will tell you that their OH doesn't share every single interest of theirs. While there should be some common ground in a relationship, most people need other friends to share interests with that their OH won't.

i think you should give yourself a break and view this new guy as one of those potential friends - someone you have shared interests with and have a laugh with. It's nice to have a friendship like that at work. Maybe arrange to do something special one on one some wknd with your boyfriend, remind yourselves why you're together etc, out a bit if a spark back.

I wouldn't worry about it at all and don't feel guilty or obsess. If and when you develop strong feelings for this other person you can sit down and re-assess, but there's no reason to panic just yet, IMO.

poms

Well said Pookie82. I agree when you said that maybe this girl and her boyfriend has fallen into a rut. This new guy just seems to tick all the boxes lately for you and it doesn't mean you should be with this new guy. This happened to me before when I was with my ex for over two years. We hit a settling stage but this new guy in work seemed to be more exciting than my ex, our conversations were about anything and he seemed to understand me better than anyone else and I wondered if I was with the right man at all.

Then this new guy kissed me and I didn't push him away at first. But it felt so wrong it made me realise how much in love I really was. but it scared me to think I let myself get in that position. I had to cheat to appreciate what I had. Things became awkward with the new guy and I lost a potentially brill friend.If you feel you are in a rut with your boyfriend try and bring the spark back.

LegacyUser

OP here, pookie82 that was a great reply thank you, everything you said made sense, im not sure how i feel about the new guy, sometimes i think i like him more than a friend and than other times im thinking its just cause its exciting you known the unknown bit.
soooo confused

LegacyUser

Your post can be translated thus OP:

"Hi. I know a guy that I instinctively fancy more than my boyfriend and I'm afraid of the implications. Tell me it will be alright."

The implications are this:

You now know there may be someone out there more suited to you than your boyfriend.


Your options are:

1. Take the easy option; better the devil you know and all that
2. Ignore the fear

Importantly, it will be alright, whichever option you take.

wexford202

Hi There

I would take the advice from Pookie82 also and ignore any other replies as they may confuse you.

That was good avice and you are only human and these things happen in all relationships. Foloow that advice and you are guaranteed happiness

LegacyUser

Thank you people for all the advice and replies i am grateful for it. Im still abit confused though, i feel like im inadvertently cheating or something by talking so much to this new guy and enjoying it. Do you think i just back off from this new guy and try and limit contact or do you think that what im doing now is innocent and nothing to worry about?

VaioCruiser

I think you need to relax and let this 'guilt' thing go for a start.

You know, OP - life is complicated. It's not like a fairy story. We meet people, we date the, we fall in love with them. This does not in some mysterious magical way immunise us from enjoying other people's company :rolleyes: and neither should it. As we go through life we will often meet lovely people, gorgeous people from time to time. People who stay in our minds for a time. Sometimes even a long time.
Enjoying someone else does not mean we do not love the one we are with. Also any normal relationship goes through peaks and valleys. We have periods when we are feeling not our best and maybe not so hot about our partner. This is normal.

In the work environment, everyone is on their best behaviour. Everyone is clean and well shaven and well dressed. It's nice. That's why we enjoy our work colleagues. It's easy to get to like people at work for all of these reasons.

Only you can say if the enjoyment you are having with his guy is just that, or more. Only you can say if this is something that is really competing with your feelings for your partner, or just a really nice guy that you fancy and enjoy and hell.... that happens to all of us. It doesn't mean that fate is telling us we have to leave our partner and take up with this guy.

... unless the feelings get stronger of course... but only you know that ...

All the best.

Tar.Aldarion

I think the first reply summed it up well.

"Enter new guy, who you get along really well with, and who seems to share some interests that your OH doesn't. There's a bit of a spark there, not necessarily a romantic one, but the sense that two people have really hit it off and have a lot in common. You feel guilty for thinking about this new person a lot because you feel like you're betraying your OH and that if you were really in love, you wouldn't think twice about anyone else, ever.

I think the likelihood here is that you're still in love with your OH, but you guys have perhaps fallen into a bit of a rut, and this new person has inspired new exciting feelings in you (again, not necessarily romantic, just those of a kindred spirit, so to speak). The majority of couples will tell you that their OH doesn't share every single interest of theirs. While there should be some common ground in a relationship, most people need other friends to share interests with that their OH won't."

You have been going out a few years, you don't come across new things about each other often, you start to think about other people it is natural to think about these things. Just don't overthink it, a lot of poeple have this problem in my opinion. if you want this new man eventually, break up with your boyfriend before going after him. You probaly still love him. I bet he has met girls andseen them similarly as you see this man, but he knows he loves you and is just attracted to something new in this person. It seems for a lot of men to be a more normal thing(maybe I am wrong) and when a girl thinks about it for the first time it is the 'end of the relationship/world'.

LegacyUser

hi OP
you dont know how reassuring it was to see your post. ive searched boards looking for advise on same prob (was too chicken to post) but my situation has progressed a little, been going on for last 3 months now so might be able to help you see one road if you decide to take it...

Im in 20s, been with OH for years, never looked at another bloke, had ups and downs but was in it for the long haul. Then literally overnight, started getting on really well with this guy in wk who had been just an aquaintance up till then. we started chatting, emailing, having lunch together etc, got on sooo well, kinda became closer as the weeks / months went by. at same time me and boyf were having probs at home and started thinking about wk guy more than my boyf but wasnt sure if i actually had feelings for him or whether we just got on so well I had found a good friend. we both were in relationships so wasnt like it was obvious we could be together. I tried to stop the constant contact in wk, my friends were telling me to stop, but i missed him when we werent talking and he was the persistant one keeping it going when i stopped, and if im honest i loved the attention. it was like having an outter body exp i actually was addicted to talking to him.
then, enevitably ended up kissing on a night out. not proud to say but we slept together a few weeks later and we were on the verge of having a full blown affair.
Had to do alot of soul searching to figure out how i could let all this happen. still going thru all the heart ache that goes along with it..
just be warned that these things do escalate, and if your starting to fall for him, even if you cant admit it to yourself, the next thing that will happen is you'll end up together on a night out...
if you dont want to ruin things with your boyf, then just ease off with the contact till you know how you really feel. if you want him to be a good mate then it wont make a difference, if its something more, you need to know yourself and make a decision.
all the best, hope i helped

LegacyUser

Awh thank you for your reply it is so nice to hear from someone who is actually experiencing the same issue as me (that said thank you to everyone else for taking the time to reply i do appreciate it).
Ya my situation sounds the exact same as yours, the thing with this guy has been going on for a good while now, chat to him every day at work, love talking to him look forward to it, hate when i dont. I think about him way more than my OH, that said i do love my OH and i would be gutted and lost if i was to ever lose him but, than how can i say that when all i do lately is think about someone else?! Im just confused by all the thoughts swirling around my head.
What happened in your case.......did u spilt up with your OH? or are yu still with him? whats happening now with the new guy?

LegacyUser

hey OP,
I know, its so good to know someone, somewhere out there is having the same prob.
my situation is an absolute mess at the moment, all of my own doing. As i said this is going on for the last few months, and what started off innocently enough, with chats and emails, then turned into txting outside work and there was so much tension built up at that stage that it was enevitable we ended up together. At that point we were such 'good mates' that it was kinda more than just a meaningless sh*g - which is probably even worse.
So to cut a long story short, we both cheated on our OH's not something i am proud of at all - but it came to the point where I had to just put a stop to it. So we cut out all contact for a period of time, really tough to do, working together every day and have to see eachother but i had to sort out me and my boyf so in the end i decided to move out and try and figure out what i felt about the him and this wk guy and why i let all this happen. The wk guy also broke up with his girlf and has said he wants to give it a go with us. To be quite honest im still all over the place..
I know exactly how confussed you are feeling, even after all this has happened im still totally messed up. Do you see yourself with this guy? Is he in a r'ship? If nothing has actually happened between you yet its not too late to snap out of it and get things back on track with your boy. Is it just the excitement of it??

LegacyUser

Im soo sorry you are in a worse messed up place than myself at the minute and i wish you all the best, i hope you come to the right decision, which guy are you leaning towards at the moment? does your boyfriend know about this incident? oh and did your boyfriend know at the time you were talking to the other guy alot?
The work guy is not in a relationship and to be truthful i have no idea what i feel, whether the feelings i have are genuine or just esculated by the excitment of the whole thing. That said few days ago something happened with the work guy and another girl and i have been extremely jealous.....think this is making me think i do actually like the guy and not just as a friend what u think?

LegacyUser

hey,
thanks, cant feel too sorry for myself cos i let all this happen. luckily i have great friends who have talked this to death with me and let me bore the head off them about all this what the hell im going to do. they saw all this happening when i was obliviously carrying on with the emails and stuff. I wasnt looking ahead or thinking about how this was going to end up..i just got so caught up in the whole thing.
my boyf didnt know i was talking to this guy, and doesnt know about him now either. I moved out and put it down to the other probs we were having, but he has his suspicions. we're kinda taking some time apart at the moment. if we work things out ill have to tell him but it will crush him and i dont think he would forgive me.
the wk guy wants to start up something but is giving me some space to sort out my head. i like him but i dont know if im giving up everything for a fling? ive been putting off making a decision but getting to the point where its all about to blow up and have absolutely no idea what to do..
sounds to me like you really do like this guy, especially if your feeling jealous of him and this other girl. how are things going day to day with your OH? are you still getting on as normal?
with this wk guy ask yourself what would you do if he actually made a move? if the ans is yes then its obvious. and believe me if you continue on the way you are its probably gonna happen.
its a horrible situation to be in, when your sitting there with your boyf who is the best in the world and all you can think about is someone else and you dont even know why. and its not like your gonna turn around and break up with your boyf when you dont even know how you feel...