The ex-drunk factor

LegacyUser

I'm probably gonna rumble in here but i have been crying so much my vision is blurry:(

So here it is, we all know, obviously that when there is a break up its most of the time OVER! by that I mean rarely getting back together.

Now my ex broke up about 6 months ago, I have been good not contacting him but not good at not responding when he does contact me...

Now long story short, our reason for breakup cant be fixed or change, not many cases of this but Im the one older than him and in the end he just couldn't deal with it regardless of how much we love each other.

NOW I do know that hes in his mid 20s what should I expect but the point is he has not stopped contacting me at all!!
the last few weeks he has pretty much called me every weekend, yes, drunk of course, and going on and on about how much he misses me, how much he still hurts we are not together or cant be together, that he thinks of me all the time, loves me so ..etc..now mind you he has major and I mean major family issues since I know him and it has gotten worst (hes adopted)

I know now it doesnt mean he wants me back but seriously, he calls and he seems so sincere its a killer for me, last weekend I was good and determine to give in and didnt reply, let it go to voice mail, the 2 times he did I was actually on a date, needless to say it has ruined them! but then I got mad 2 nights ago when he was at it again and ended up picking the phone...talked for an hour, mostly mee pissed off of why he is doing that to me! I explain that I am very sad for him bout what is happening to him and all but that WE were broken up! and that he lost all that goes with it, meaning my undying support to be there for him, told him I cant be his "suport group/friends/therapist/social worker" until he feels better and find another girl then bye bye me! he even said how monstuously jealous he was to even imagine me being with someone else and how hurtful it would be...

SO he went on bout his situation with family and me again, and how much he wants us to meet and have a chat about all this for good and in person and not by phone, that everyday hes dying to call me and have to control himself not to...anyway, I , again fell for it, when AM I GONNA LEARM YOU WILL THINK!

well I sure did today, I emailed him and offer to meet once and for all this week...his reply...he got more news from his "family issue" (sorry dont want to get into details bout it but know that its very weird situation and difficult for him) im not making excuses just trying to explain the situation.

So anyhow, he pretty much said to me today that he is not in a right state of mind to be with me, that he wont call anymore and said he was sorry.

WOW needless to say again I feel like an idiot by having taking him seriously this time, but now, oh gee, I will be damn if I ever respond to him!!!! we exchange few emails, mostly making sure that he wont contact me again which he promise after saying sorry for being an ***hole to me. That it wasnt right of him and that he should just deal with it on his own.
I think though that this time he wil stick to it and seriously won't contact me again. I feel we reach the bottom of it.

I think what most of you will say is that he was drunk, well yes, that he was lonely, maybe bored or nostalgic or whatever but why in hell can someone can be sooooo clear and meaningful (or so it seems) when drunk and be a complete opposite sober!??? we're talking like 360* change here.
its mind blowing to me, I mean I know we can say things drunk in general, everyone is like that but wow, he is like night and day seriously!

My bad has been to be there for him, I was concern for him genuinely, how cant you not when you love the person, but no more rescue now, I have to think of myself, I know the whole process but today it just hit me I guess, really hard, because I think I finally saw him for what he is...a selfish ***head. Never thought He could end up like that with me, he must seriously have lost all feelings for me at this point for treating me like this. no?!
I used to think he was so mature, and for loads of things he was but I guess it was the glasses of dumbness!

Anyway, sorry to vent, it has been a very hard day and my friends have had enough of hearing bout it, can't blame them honestly.

Anyone who has been in that situation who could comment, from a guy or girl point of view well it would be nice to hear you story.

Mostly any guys who can admit being like that then would be great to hear it!! probably will say you contacted the ex for ego boost, knowing she is still there for you.et..but not for feelings.

thanks for reading...

muppetkiller

Block his number and try to forget about him. He knows you care about him and he uses that as a crutch..He'll use his family problems to make you feel guilty too so just block him out of your life or you'll be miserable for years.

This

best thing to do is just explain why you cant be there for him, wont be answering his calls and texts... it sounds harsh but at the end of the day the guy has to be able to stand on his own 2 feet. you need to let him go for him, but further more for yourslef.

Nevyn

CUT HIM OFF.

He will keep calling you, keep using you for support, keep pullin gyou back in, keep cock blocking you until you take a very hard line with him for your own sake.

LegacyUser

I know, you are all right, and I will cut him off for good, I did it before and did good this weekend, well until he pulled the "family/sensitive string"...now i know what is capable of it won't work again, trust me!

You were right, he knows I care for him, among his very long heartfelft, award winning drunken speech, during which I was giving out to him for wanting support from me, he said "it's clear I love you, and its clear you love me, so no more messing, I want us to meet and talk it all out"
I told him why I can't be there for him, he knows..

But today it seems to have come to a finale point at last, when he said sorry and he won't call again that he knows he needs to deal wit it on his own and that not to worry he wont call again.

he seemed pretty certain this time and I do believe it because he wasn't drunk!
before, when I would ask him NOT to call me drunk asking to get back together or whatever he would say "I will try not to call sorry, but there's still so much feelings there, it's hard when I'm drunk"

I think I'm hurt today cos I really know now that he dosn't honestly love me anymore, or miss me or whatever the hell is there...wouldn't act like that if he did.

it's just painful.

Thank you for the posts you guys, I much appreciate it

LegacyUser

You poor thing, he's being so selfish he's using you to feel better and to help with his problems since he knows he can trust you, and yet at the same time he doesn't want to commit to you.. it's lousy treatment and he's taking advantage. He did the right thing finally telling you where he stands in terms of getting back together so my advice is block him out now, you've tried your best to be there for him. Bar his number from your phone, whatever it takes.

LegacyUser

Hi there OP.....I am going through something similar with an ex.
Now I really don't like him AT ALL..rapidly losing whatever respect, fondness I had for him.
Well it was only the other day that the penny has finally dropped with me..like Thaedydal says he is doing the cock blocking thing to you( strangely it's a term my ex actually uses!).
My ex is picking late nights to do the text bombardment especially very late at the weekends.....he then says "Oh I was drunk ". I was on a date one night and I got 20 texts in 5mins. And the worst part is I NEARLY READ THEM whilst date was there. Then a bulb went on in my head and I thought f**k him he doesn't own me, and then I went ot the toilets and switched my phone off completely. Now when he texts I just delete.
OP get tough with him or he will spoil your chances with much nicer guys.
Don't email/phone/text/ send smoke signals to him anymore.....he ain't worth it,and at the end of the day he is still the same loser who threw you away.Leopards don't change their spots.

LegacyUser

I went through the exact same situation with an ex. We would meet up and she had issues.

Her lifestyle made paranoid but it also made her untruthful and self centered. She was a bit of a conwoman.

A female friend intercepted a call from her totally out of the blue. The upshot was that it was all about her. We had a harsh chat about her and her behavior and I have never heard from her again.

My advice is stop talking and if you need to change your mobile number do and tell family and friends not to give your new number out to him.

LegacyUser

I can feel the pain in your post op. You are so strong. It is the hardest thing ever to cut someone off when you love them and they profess to love you.

I just wanted to offer you some words of comfort as I dont have much advice to offer except try to be strong.

Take care of yourself.

tl;dr

Sorry

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am going through something similar. Still in the thick of it.

I think he does still love you but as you say he is a bit younger and a bit immature aswell as going through a hard time at home. He is not mature enough to offer you support or know that the best thing is to leave you alone.

I think he probably meant what he said to you on those calls but when you contacted him to meet up it scared him as he knows he doesnt want to be in a relationship so he thought he should back off. He probably just wants you when he needs you. He will contact you again once he thinks you are moving on from him. He is only thinking of himself and taking you for granted. You are going through alot with this and deserve someone who wont play with your feelings this way.

Wibbs

Caoltan post another one like that and you will be taking time off from here. Helpful posts only and that one wasn't.

starchild

he will call you again because guys like that buzz off knowing they are wanted , the only time you will not hear from him is when he meets someone else.

he is manipulating you probably not out of any malicious intent, its just his way of dealing with it, if he calls again change your number, its not worth the hassle.

LegacyUser

Hi all, I am very touched from the support, and especially that it comes from total strangers, well sort of.

It still amazes me to see that people can go to this extend to feel better bout whatever troubles them, proclaiming his so called so strong love for me.... few days ago, last time he called and all went down, I was firm, and told him everything I thought, Im sure he probably got surprised by my reaction, and when he said "so you dont want to get back together then?" I said i didnt know anymore, because I didnt want to be treated this way anymore, one day hot, next day cold.

So maybe, since then, he did realize what hes doing, well most likely cos he pretty much dumped me all over again, already assumed that me asking to meet to talk it all out , ON HIS REQUEST, was me asking him to get back together...well it probably would of been in the talk of course but to be honest, really honest, I thought we would both talk and either yes get back together or both agree to stay appart and work together on it for not being in contact....anyway, I didnt get a chance to explain cos all the drama came down yesterday with the family stuff and me, poor little him who cant handle anything. One thing he made clear though it all that...he is "not in a the right state of mind to be with me"

My best frien who is pretty direct and no game type of girl said that he and I both played games, him contacting me and me trying not to contact him instead of being straight forward...how can you be tho with someone who is so self centered, he still wouldnt understand. She said we keep miscommunicating and not say what we mean, and that i didnt listen to what he was saying, she said I should of leave him alone after the last call and see what he would of done...the fact he said "im just quite confused at the moment in general, just bad timimg to email me this morning"..she said, or accused me should I said to not read what the email says...not a good timing, the family emailing at the same time...etc. In my opinion, and correct me if Im wrong, I might have had a bad timing to email him but the result is the same, he wouldnt have ask me again to meet and probably would of contact me again next time drunk! it might have been a bad day for him sure but what about me!! so what is was really quick to respond that he wasnt in state of mind to be with me right there I think I read pretty clearly!

Well again, thank you guys, sorry for rumbling again, its just so painful at the moment that the natural reflex is to try to find a reason why people act the way they do.
Someone was telling me that adopted adult even with a perfect family tend to be running away from commitment when it gets serious...not sure that applies to him but having both birth parents and adopting parents wanting a piece of you YES that must be a big one.

GOD, look at me! here I go again about HIS situation!!!

Enough, I cried for 2 days now and I think its 2 days too much.

Thank you all, you made a difference to know that Im not alone on this.

I'll get over this before he does!