Help Needed- What should I do

LegacyUser

Help needed. I’m a 32 yr old guy, and have been in a relationship with girlfriend for over 6 years. Definitely thought this was the girl for me, and in the latter years have been thinking about popping the question.. Proposed at Xmas, she was delighted, started planning the wedding. We have a home together for about 4 years. We’ve had some rocky times in the past, split up a couple of times for a month or so, but got back together. Last 24 months have been great.
At easter this year, something changed for me. I’m not sure what, I’m finding it hard to pinpoint when things started to go downhill. Planning the wedding (even though we were delighted to get engaged) was a major stresspoint. Every little question from her related to the wedding was annoying me. Going to see venues usually ended in a fight.
Then, a girl in work who I normally would have great banter with, some harmless flirting on a night out, turned to something more serious when we slept together after a work do. I woke up feeling disgusted with myself and vowed to never see this girl again, and make amends with my girlfriend by being more involved in wedding plans. I never told girlfriend, I knew that that would kill her.
I couldn’t put this girl in work out of my head though, and saw her again a couple of times. We were constantly in contact through email, text and met up a couple of times outside work. I started to feel completely crap with my fiancée and she knew at this point that I was no longer a 100% committed. We called off engagement, and I moved out. Living on a friend’s couch at the moment which we decided what to do going forward, try and save relationship/home together. I can’t sleep on a couch for much longer, I’ve been there for 8 weeks and she’s starting to lose patience.

The problem I am having is that this girl in work is starting to put pressure on me to call things off for good with fiancée and start something with her, and my fiancée is putting pressure on me to decide once and for all what I’m doing.
I still feel love for my fiancée, but I’m no longer 100% sure if that’s out of habit, because I’m missing not only my partner but my best friend, or if it’s genuinely a case that I’m still in love with her.
I also think I can see a future with this girl in work, but not sure if I’m turning toward her because I have unbelievable cold feet with my fiancée and wedding.

How do you know if you’re still in love with someone? Or what the right reasons are to stay? There’s so much more to take into consideration. We’d never sell the house, and I miss my home that I put a lot of work into. I also miss my life with her, but not sure if I miss my life or HER. Then I think it’s a huge gamble giving all this up for a fling at work, although I think it’s more than a fling, this girl could be something special. Could be, if I made a clean break and gave it 100%

So that’s what I want to know. How do you know whether to stay, or go.

I know I’m coming across as a complete d*ck above, and most of you might berate me for having an affair. Let me just say that it’s completely out of character for me, never did this before. I’m a good guy and genuinely (usually) do everything to make my fiancée feel happy. I am trying now to find a way out of this mess, I’m up all night can’t sleep and my work is suffering.

I can’t get much help out of friends with this, the lads aren’t any use. I talk about things with my sister who is a big help but don’t want to go on just one person’s advice.

Please help, I appreciate all the advice you can give. Fiancée is in bits because I’m dragging out this decision making and I don’t know how much more I can put her through. I never told her about affair (although I’m sure she suspects the worst- why else would I do this).

LegacyUser

Sunflower I don't think it's quite as cut and dry as that. I have not been unfaithful throughout the course of our relationship, this is something that part of me thinks cold feet about "the rest of my life" brought about. absolutely no excuse, i'm not excusing it. i'm just tring to do some serious soul searching to find out is our relationship dead in the water or can it be fixed. so i'm asking how do you know if someone is the one for you. i would walk on water to fix things with fiancee if i could just find a way of knowing whether that's the path i need to take.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP... I can see you are in a right pickle...

Firstly I think you are far from ready to get married. So I think you should get that out of your head - imho.

I think that cold feet before a wedding is very very common. Sleeping with someone else is also not that uncommon during that period. But this is more than that ... you are involved with this girl which a much bigger deal. To me that rings big bells and means that your fiancé is really not the lady for you - and certainly not at this point in you life.

I think you need a complete break and time to completely reassess your life and your emotions.

I wouldn't hook up long term with this other lady. Why ? because she will always know you slept with her while planning your fiance's wedding - and that will stain and poison ANY long term future you have with her.... believe me.

I say stay with the work laady if you like, for a while, but end the engagement, end the relationship and dispose of the house either by sale or by renting etc..

All the best !

LegacyUser

The grass is always greener on the other side.... But is it? maybe take time out from both women, maybe your not ready to settle or maybe the relationship just got stale only you know if your still in love take her out on a couple of dates see if the chemistry is still there work on 1 relationship at a time or it will get complicated.

beks101

Let's say you choose this girl at work, things get serious, things are wonderful, best decision you've ever made, time to pop the question comes, wedding plans start and all of a sudden...back at square one. 'Something' comes over you again, you freak out and the wandering eye takes over again.

I know you've said this is totally out of character for you, but it's an easy habit to take hold, especially if taking the final step in commitment (getting married) is what's freaking you out.

Your fiancee didn't change, she just started planning her wedding, which is a big deal for most women - which seemed to provoke this extreme reaction in you. Why is that? What does it mean to you to be married to this girl? What does it mean to you to be married in general?

Sure, the girl at work could be special...well the girl you bought your coffee from this morning could be special too, as could your best mate's sister, or the girl you got chatting to on the train one time....there's an abundance of women out there that you could have great chemistry with, but is it really worth throwing away six years of happiness with a woman you love, to find out?

Beetlebum

Another aspect to think about is how untrustworthy the girl from work must be. She knowingly slept with a guy who not only does she work with, who she knew was planning a wedding!! To me that would strike her out instantly. It's a horrible thing for her to have done and continue to do while knowing you are confused. You're no angel either obviously but you knwo that already.

I think you should take some time out from both women and give yourself the space required to sort your head out. There's no point beating yourself up over the infidelity either. Accept that you did it but what's done is done.

LegacyUser

i dont know if i necessarily agree with last post that any old randomer could put you in this position. sounds like you had/have feelings for this particular girl at wk which maybe had an infulence or impact on your decision with engagement etc. But there were cracks there anyway at the time.
As for how you know if you are still in love with someone or with them out of habit? not sure anyone has the answer to that one....one of lifes conundrums...

LegacyUser

Yes, I did. I hate admitting it, but I did. I was feeling so low around that whole time, that the only bit of joy i got was with this girl from work. I haven't slept with her or seen her face to face in a month, we've only been communicating by text/mail. I was trying to give myself time to myself to figure out what to do, but am getting no closer to resolution.


head is wrecked. I am completely overwhelmed by everything and know that any decision i make will have serious repurcussions.

beks101

Unregistered wrote: »

i dont know if i necessarily agree with last post that any old randomer could put you in this position. sounds like you had/have feelings for this particular girl at wk which maybe had an infulence or impact on your decision with engagement etc.

No, not any old randomer - but there are plenty of sound, smart, intelligent, attractive women out there, many of whom you could have a meaningful relationship with if you're in that frame of mind.
Call me naive, but for most individuals who are engaged to be married, these other women tend to be off limits. They're not a threat to your relationship because you know that no matter how attractive they are, nothing's going to happen.

This is not the OP's situation - for whatever reason OP, you went there. And there's the chance that, even if you do get back with your fiancee, even if the wedding was back on, that you would go there again...unless you figure out exactly what it was that made you do it in the first place.

I'm just saying, don't let grass-is-greener syndrome take hold with this girl because no-one can tell you you'd be happier with her. You'd have this infidelity cloud hanging over the relationship, for one. Trust issues, your possible commitment issues, the fact that this is a woman who hassled an engaged man to leave his fiancee for her...it's a huge gamble. It's up to you whether or not it's a gamble worth taking.

LegacyUser

The fact that you don't know what you want to do should scream out warning bells in relation to your fiancee. After being together for 6years, if you still don't know whether she's the one for you, then she probably isn't. You say she's your best friend, maybe that's all she is. I believe you love her but are not necessarily in love with her.

I would advise you to break it off with your fiancee, sort out everythin in realtion to house/etc. I would also advise you call it off with this other woman as it could be a case of the grass is greener......If after a few months you still can't stop thinkin bout her and think there's a future, then go for it. What's meant to be will be and all that. If she really cares about you she'll give you the time you need. For now tho you need to concentrate on you and letting your poor fiancee know the truth.

Good luck!

messygirl

VaioCruiser i hope to god it is uncommon for a guy to have sex with a woman just because he is about to get married, otherwise i am NEVER getting engaged!

Im sorry but if you have cold feet you dont sleep with someone to warm them up for you. I think your ex/fiancee deserves to know before she marries you what you did.

if you want to know if someone is the person for you just look into the future and see who you want beside you, when you have kids, when you have grandkids, when you are fighting over money, when you are facing tough times, who you want to laugh and cry with. The work chick, to me, sounds like transference, you are confused and are thinking "work girl could be special" as a way of defending what you did (more than once) I know someone who cheated on her boyfriend, broke up with boyfriend and got together with the guy she cheated with, and that guy was never able to trust her because he knew what she was capable of. Work girl knows you cheated on your fiancee and partner of 6 years and will more than likely get jealous if you do get together, I dont think she will be able to trust you properly.

So to conclude, I would own up to girlfriend if you want her back and let her make the decision because she deserves to know before she marries you (something i dont usually advise) and cut out the work chick for the future(tell her you dont feel ready for something serious). And no offence but i have always been of the belief you dont break up with someone unless you mean it, so if you have broken up before it doesnt bode well. (if you are decided you dont want your fiancee back dont tell her about the affair, it will add insult to injury)

LegacyUser

Hey,

Feel I ought to go unreg for this! I was in a similar position to you a few years back so I do understand how crap / confused you feel right now.

To be honest there's not a lot of advice I or anyone can offer in this situation. There's no clear cut way of telling whether its love or habit with your partner; unfortunately that's for you to discover for yourself.
I would suggest that you steer clear of this girl in work (like a previous poster said, you will always be the guy who did the dirt while you were engaged!) at least for the moment anyway. If its meant to be you will have your chance again, but there is no hope of you having a healthy relationship the way you feel right now.

The only other thing I can advise is that you speak to your GF. She deserves your brutal honesty (not necessarily about the affair, rather about how you are feeling) to at least know where she stands / prepare herself for the worst / perhaps to assess her own feelings after hearing all this.
Explain that you dont want to be pushed into making such a major decision and that you feel some time apart will help you to decide what you want. However, she may not want to wait around, or she may realise in your time apart that the relationship / marriage is not something she wants, and you have to be prepared to accept that.

Then I suggest you find somewhere a little more comfortable to live for the time being, maybe rent an apartment for awhile, so that you can adjust to this new life and how things will be if you do split up. Living on someones sofa is only going to push you home; your own apartment will grant you freedom that you might not have realised you want!!

Lastly, keep minimum contact with your GF. Constant calls/texts will only confuse the issue more & you need to live an independant life for awhile to decide what it is you really want.




(In my situation, I decided to go it alone as I felt too young to settle down. Both of us were heartbroken at the time but I felt it was the right thing to do. Heard from friends that he took it very hard for a long time. However he is now seeing someone, has a new baby & by all accounts seems very happy. I am seeing someone for the last couple of years and while I am very happy I am still scared sh1tless of the M word / commitment in general... perhaps he is the wrong person for me / perhaps that is just the way I am but I still stand by what I did at the time as I think it would only have been a long & painful road to nowhere)

Hope this helps somehow & best of luck x

Kerry1234

I have been in exactly the same situation as yourself and the only advice I can give you is to stick to what you've got because you will only regret it big time. Everyone including myself always thinks the grass is greener on the other side but it isnt. Believe me. I made a huge mistake cheating on my boyfriend thinking the other lad was the one for me and how things would be so much better with him. I tried it for 4 months and all I did was want my old life back with my ex. I ruined everything and i'll always regret it. Please take this advice because if you are already unsure about it then you will know yourself its not the right thing to do. Try harder with the relationship with your fiance, genuinely put more effort in, stop contact with this girl no matter how much you think you want her.