Too scared to break up

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll try to keep this short.

Basically I'm 26 now, in a month I will be unemployed at a terrible time in general (leaving my job as I can't stand it any longer and it makes me so unhappy it's taken me a long time of gritting my teeth to realise life is too short and it's not worth it), I'm planning to go back to college and I'm with my girlfriend for the last 3 and a half years.

My problem is, I love my girlfriend very much, when I think of her, I think of how much of a good spirit she has and what a great person she is. My problem is that I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. I love so many things about her, but there's no spark there and when I got into the relationship it was something new and exciting and I hadn't had a proper relationship before, but now I don't even feel like I'm attracted to her and she's just like a good friend, I don't think either of us enjoy our sex life at all...she's very reserved that way, and I feel like I'm having sex with a friend I don't fancy in that kind of way.

She can be very affectionate and i feed off it sometimes, as sometimes I just really need her, as somebody who loves me and is there for me, but when I think about marriage, I don't see it with her, and to be incredibly cruel, I'm not proud of her as a girlfriend. I know that sounds awful, but is something I've realised.

It's been dragged out for a long time now, but my other problem is that I don't have a large amount of friends. One close friend, and my family of course, and then a handful of buddies that I can do things at the weekend with. Most weekdays I would either spend with her or alone, and at the weekends I may spend it all or most of it with her and fit friends in a long the way, and it feels like now I'm missing out on things at times, but I know if i break up, i'll realise there's very little going on and a massive void will be left in my life.

I'll be a 26 year old student, with no money, wont be able to afford to go out and socialise, living at home with my parents, with very few friends, who harbours an ambition to travel, with no one to do it with, and no money to do it with, and all I've got is her...

Would I be a fool to break up with her considering what an incredible loser I am? I need a life transplant and feel like I've messed everything up...I'm facing into the most depressing and tough times of my life, and I'm doing it as I know I need to turn things around and get back on track, I'm just not sure I can handle being alone.

Is there any way she could understand that I want to leave the relationship but be friends? She's very sensitive and I know if i break up with her i will never see or speak to her again. I know that. I'm not sure I can handle it, it's so cruel as I do love her but can't be happy with her as a girlfriend, but am I being cruel by staying with her? I need her...

I don't know what to do, I'm prone to depression as it is, the lonliness and no money and no friends and the life infront of me sounds too difficult to travel...I just don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to turn this around..

Sorry for the length of the post and thanks for reading.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just opinions on my situation or what you would do in it. My heart is broken thinking of losing her. But I'll never be fully happy with her and am too afraid to let her go. If there is a strong enough emotional bond there, is that enough reason to stay in the relationship? Even if you don't feel pride in the relationship or much attraction or sexual satisfaction? Should all of those be irrelivant if you have a great emotional connection and truly do love them and want them to be happy? I do make her happy...but then, she doesn't know how I'm feeling...

togster

you're 26.

You are not in love with your gf. So do the mature thing and break up with her for her sake. Don't be selfish.

You are only a loser if you hold on to people to fill a gap in your own life.

If you don't have friends, get some. Treat your gf and yourself with some respect and be a man ffs.

killeoin

togster wrote: »

you're 26.

You are only a loser if you hold on to people to fill a gap in your own life.

As a Mod you should really be aware of the forum Charter with regard to abusive posting. The OP is in a very difficult situation and does not need to be labelled a loser despite your eloquent phrasing of this reference.

OP don't feel down on yourself with regard to your co-dependency on your girlfriend. This is something that is very easy to slip into in a relationship and is really quite common. My advice would be to:

1) Break up with your girlfriend now.
2) Stay in your job. I know you said you hate it but you do sound like someone who could fall into depression if given the opportunity. Even stick with it for an extra three months if you can.
3) Save every penny you can for the next three months with the aim of travelling. There are plently of sites that cater for single travellers.
4) Go to your local dvd shop and rent "Yes Man". It's a good laugh but it does (in an overboard manner) show the importance of living your life and how to make the most of opportunities and potential opportunities that exist.

togster

killeoin wrote: »

As a Mod you should really be aware of the forum Charter with regard to abusive posting. The OP is in a very difficult situation and does not need to be labelled a loser despite your eloquent phrasing of this reference.

You should probably see the part about back seat modding. And if you re-read my post i never said the OP was a loser. Anyone that holds onto someone just to make themselves feel less lonely or more secure is selfish and needs to grow up.

LegacyUser

oh that makes me so sad for her! I mean as in she will be hurt and shocked no doubt. But mainly sad that the thought of being with someone who feels that way about you is heartbreaking. Your only choice is to break up with her. It will be better for both of you in the long run. YOu will meet someone else that you fancy and can have fun withand she will also meet someone who will appreciate her as a girlfriend. I know that you love her and do appreciate her, I just mean someone who deserves her. She deserves the same things that you want from a relationship.

26 is still so young, and its better to end it now than five or ten years down the line.

I agree with the poster who suggested going travelling. There is nothing like getting out of the country to clear your head and meet new people.

Wibbs

killeoin togster is not a mod of this forum, so is a poster like anyone else.

Munster_Gal

If you're sure that you don't love her and you don't see a future with her then you need to end it. But do it face to face. It's going to break her heart but better that she knows now then in a few months/years time.
Trust me, as someone who was on the receiving end of it.... You need to tell her now! The longer you drag it on the worse it will be for both of you.

Yunalesca

Hey there!

I had to reply to this post because I have been in the position of your girlfriend. I dated my boyfriend for four years then we got engaged and were together for two years before he decided to end the relationship. That was two years ago and I can tell you that we are both happy now leading out own lives.

And my world didn't fall apart like he thought it would when he left me. I love how men think like that!!

What I will advise you to do is break up with her as soon as possible.

My fiance realised during the last year of our relationship that he no longer loved me. I carried on being my usual loving self, treating him to things and doing things for him. He began to feel guilty and soon started verbially abusing me and flirting with other women. I guess he figured he could drive me away.
If he had simply just told me that he wanted to end the relationship and move on when he knew it, it would have saved me so much grief and pain.
However he did eventually. I was completely reduced to square one in life. I was left with no job (we had just finished college and we had returned home) and was living with my mother now that we had broken up.

Your girlfriend is just a comfort to you right now. Do the right thing for both of you and cut her loose. I realise you said you are prone to depression but so was I. Just like everyone else you have the ability to handle anything which life throws at you. Once you've split with her, you'll feel free and more oppertunities will open up for you in life.

Wow.... long post was long!! : O

galwaybob

First things first, I wouldn't worry about all this being in love crap. most of the happily married people I know are not 'in love' the love and respect each other but they are not going around crazy about each other like a couple of stupid teenagers. That stuff never lasts.
In the long run a great personality is what makes you stick by a person and your girlfriend sounds like she has that. Regards sex, that can be worked on and even the most shrinking violet can be turned into a tiger over time but I have yet to see anyone develop a good personality.
Perhaps you should do some more stuff together and make some new friends. If you really do think you need some time apart suggest a trial period of separation and see how that feels before making a decision to split for good.
If suggesting that I would keep my reasons brief and vague if I was you as telling your gf half the stuff you have mentioned in your OP will break the poor girls heart.

Final thought..Don't be too hard on yourself, nobody has all the answers.

Monkey61

galwaybob wrote: »

First things first, I wouldn't worry about all this being in love crap. most of the happily married people I know are not 'in love' the love and respect each other but they are not going around crazy about each other like a couple of stupid teenagers. That stuff never lasts.
In the long run a great personality is what makes you stick by a person and your girlfriend sounds like she has that. Regards sex, that can be worked on and even the most shrinking violet can be turned into a tiger over time but I have yet to see anyone develop a good personality.
Perhaps you should do some more stuff together and make some new friends. If you really do think you need some time apart suggest a trial period of separation and see how that feels before making a decision to split for good.
If suggesting that I would keep my reasons brief and vague if I was you as telling your gf half the stuff you have mentioned in your OP will break the poor girls heart.

While I can understand where that advice is coming from, I think it would work for those over 40 and happy enough to settle down with companionship for life, the OP is 26 and has a lot of living left to do and I have a feeling that the lack of excitement and passion will just start to eat away at him.

I was in a similar situation. I was depressed and no longer in love with my girlfriend but absolutely terrified to leave her for fear that I couldn't cope and wouldn't ever meet anyone else. I tried the pre-break up, let's have a break thing, but I think ultimately in that kind of situation with a safety net behind you, you can never really move on with your life.

We broke up, eventually. It was horrible, but that was a few months ago now and we are great friends, both have new partners and can honestly say that we are happier than we have been in years. It was just the kick up the arse that I needed. I have made new friends, picked up new hobbies and my previously stilted social life is really taking off.

Yes it is going to be one of the most difficult things you ever do - but you are 26. Surely you are only dying to feel that excitement and spark of a new relationship, the first time you kiss someone new that you really like and all that jazz. I think facing the fear is worth it for all of that stuff that is ahead of you. Yes there is going to be a massive void in your life, but you can fill it with so much more stuff than a girlfriend that you don't love or fancy!

You do need a life transplant and I think that without being attached to her you will be able to do a much better job at carrying that out than if you stayed with her. You already have a handful of people you hang out with - well hang out with them more, meet their friends, throw yourself out there. If you go back to college you will meet loads of new people as well. Or save up some money and move to a new city, a new country, anything.

grace_159

God reading your post has put a lump in my throat...It is something that at the minute is kinda familar to me. Although my circumstances arent totally the same I know how ur feeling and its so hard for ppl to say "you know wats best" but you dont hense the post in the 1st place.
I think things for me reading your post are pretty straight forward and only one factor stands out for me, is that you dont love her anymore.
To me thats the most important thing the rest of the stuff just falls into place. Knowning you no longer love this girl and choosing to stay with her isnt fair on you or her regardless of the other things your worried about like been friends and beeing lonely etc.
As for college well ive done 5 years of it any if anything its better to be single. Although one bit of advice I would give you and the one thing I regret is, make the most of it join clubs u have an interest in if u only have one mate bring them out with you on social nights u will meet plenty that way but defo join clubs you wil be suprized how many u meet that way.
As for travelling ye its a great experience but its one you have to be comfortable with yourself b4 venturing out on wheither its on your own or with a friend.
I really wish u the best with it all but as my mates are saying to me now u know deep down wat the right thing is to do and i know for me im just too scared to do it recon its the same for you
Best of luck x