Should I date a single mother

LegacyUser

Right,

i would be greatful on you views here

1. mad about this girl
2. she has a 2 year old daughter ( adorable )
3. the father of the girl stays in the house half the week - stays over ( I have not problem with this I personally think he should remain a major part of the girls life )
4. he knows abt me , hates me ( obviosely ), never met the guy, and i dont know him so im not going to judge him ( despite what she says - i prefer to make my mind up abt people first )
5. my family hate the idea or me dating a single mother
6. her family, like me, get on great with all of them , but they also think its a bad idea
7. im 23 shes 23 , the father is 29
8. was dating her years ago and it ended mutually because we were going different carer paths , always was mad abt her and i have always measured every other girl i was with against her ( she always won )
9. im 23, do i need this senario in my life at a young age , i havent been travelling yet cause i dont want to stop my career and i could leave at any point
10. im afraid, that if i start dating her and we break up 2 or 5 or whenever years down the line , the effect it will have on the little girl, i dont want to be walking in and out of a childs life, i couldn't do it
11. I'd marry the girl any day of the week in a heart beat if she didn't have a little girl ( i know its terrible )
12. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO , I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE KEEP BUILDING WALLS BETWEEN US !!!

thanks ,

i'd love to hear you views

k

puglover

1. Good
2. Is this a problem for you?
3. Why mention this if it's not an issue? (IMHO -It's a bit odd and will have to change if this girl wants to ahve a relationship with anyone)
4. OK no issue here
5. You're family don't make you're decisions for you, again doesn't ahve to be an issue unless you make it one.
6. As above, her family don't make her decisions
7. Issue?
8. Ok so you've a good history together
9. Don't get yourself involved with a family if you don't plan on sticking around.
10. I agree, so be sure what you want before you make any decisions.
11. Seems like thats you're answer right there. You need to accept the whole package.
12. No people aren't building walls. It's just life, it doesn't always go the way we plan. You're decisions will affect the life of this girl and her daughter. Be sure you know what you want before rushing in.

wexford202

Hi there.

You seem like a really sweet guy.

To be honest it is hard to find somebody that doesn't come with baggage these days.

I wouldn't worry about the little girl as she is too young to fully understand the goings on. Give the girl a chance. It wouldn't be fair on her for you not to take her out because she has a child. I'm sure she worrys about her little one alot more than you and she wouldn't be taking the risk of seeing you unless she really liked you too. Plus she was honest with you from the start which to me is a very big plus.

Tell your family that if she didn't have a baby that they would love her and if that is the only reason why they are put off her then they will soon get over it. If they were to meet the little cuties some day they will fall for her instantly anyway

You sound like a one in a million kind of a guy. You are right to have doubts etc, don't feel guilty about this at all any guy in your position would be thinking the same things and you're having these doubts for the best of reasons.

I don't think you want to be without this girl, as you've said you compare every other girl to her and so she is obviously the one for you. You will regret it if you let her go.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Im afraid, that if i start dating her and we break up 2 or 5 or whenever years down the line , the effect it will have on the little girl...

...I'd marry the girl any day of the week in a heart beat if she didn't have a little girl ( i know its terrible )

These two statements don't really add up. If you want to marry her and you're sure about that, then why are you also worrying about leaving?

Don't get me wrong, you're right to be concerned about the effect on the kid. But don't blow this up to be the tragic, doomed romance of the century. People deal with this every single day, you're not alone or unusual in dealing with it, in fact it should be easier given the child is so young.

Basically, if you like her enough, you'll make it work. She already has a father in her life, you won't be expected to take that role. If it doesn't work out, she's not losing another Daddy. Stop putting pressure on yourself!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Its good that you are thinking of everyone involved in this equation,however you, the mother and the little girl are the most important in this. It seems strange for the dad to be in the house for half a week and why does he despise you if he hasn't met you? Sound like he either wants t be back with the childs mother oris very insecure about another man in the childs life. I think any parent would prefer to see their sons/daughters settle down minus any baggage but this is 2009 and most people have a past relationship and this sometimes include children. I think that as you know the girl and appear to be besotted with her then you need to go for it and see what happens. Don't worry about the child at this stage. I can't see you causing her any upset. Good luck

VaioCruiser

Hi OP... quite a dilemma you have there ...

Firstly ... if you like the baby and accept the prospect of being a step dad, with the responsibilities and temporary life restrictions it brings with it, then I believe you should put that issue to the side. Personally I think it is a small price but that's me. She is young enough to bond very closely with you and how wonderful is it to have the opportunity to have a ready made little daughter :-)

If you agree then ...

The big problem here is the ex. The two issues are a) His antipathy toward you (and probably any guy) and b) his living at the house half the time..

I feel you need to talk seriously to your girl before it goes any further, and tell her your concerns. Tell her that if things are to go further then she needs to get him sorted out. He needs to move out fully, and needs to accept that for the sake of the child he needs to learn to grow up and get on with her choice of partner. You have to accept that the little girl will still need to see her Dad regularly, but that should not be an issue if he gets a grip. These issues in my view are deal breakers. if they are not dealt with and agreed then everyone will be miserable, especially the baby, and that would be the biggest tragedy.

On the subject of you going ahead and it ending in 2 - 5 years... that is something only you can assess.... I think it is not necessarily a disaster if it is MANAGED properly by you and your girlfriend. Are you the kind of guy who will cut all ties with the baby if you break up ? if so your gf may feel it would be traumatic. If you spend 5 years in a little girls life then you need to ease yourself out with care and compassion and you need your gf to say that she will allow and facilitate this. I know this is a difficult conversation because no on likes talking about the end of a relationship before it even starts, but I think as a single mother she is probably aware of that issue already, and if not, she needs to be.

All that may sound complicated and challenging. But who said life was going to be easy. When something is worth having then it is worth fighting for.

If you feel you would prefer to find a nice easy simple girl friend . . . then pass this one up ... but be aware that nice easy and simple don't exist. There will always be challenges of one kind or another.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Just go for it..you love the girl..chances of happiness only come along very rarely..if you dont give it a go now you WILL forever regret it...

No relationship is guaranteed to succeed..some do some dont..all you can do is be true to yourself and go with your gut instinct (i think we know what this is..)

As a dad myself I can say that the wee girl, whilst perhaps causing the odd issue at times, will only be a benefit to your lives...and by the sound of you, you will be of benefit to hers....

At only 23 you sound remarkably mature...well done lad !!

Go for it ... and best of luck !!

LegacyUser

OP HERE,

THANKS GUYS, I REALLY APPRRCIATE THE RESPONSE, YOU ARE TRUELY OPENING MY EYES TO THE SITUATION

We have talked about the whole situation already, and always come to the conclusion that it wont work ( or she does but never fully closes the book if you know what i mean, i never say "yeah it won't work" bascially cause if i do , i'll loose her and cant bear the thought of that), but i dont want to stand in her way if she meets someone who is better than me for her -

I went out last weekend and she turn round and asked me if I pulled, I didn't , and dont want to, i somehow feel that i would be cheating , even though we have not made anyform of commitment to eachother, ( i kinda felt ill when she asked me - so this week end just gone, i returned the question and she said she didn't either ( the feeling of releaf was overwhelming , i was bricking it and i had no right too but none the less a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders)

Guys - you wanna check out this little girl, cute is not the word , ok she aint that much fond of me , but shes 2, but everyting i ring her, in the background i hear the little girl shout daddy with excitment, at first it weirded me out, but man , it'd melt your heart !!
I hear of girls getting broody but me at 23 i never expected it!!

John Mason

IMHO - absolutely not. life is hard enough without getting tied down at your age. you should be out backpacking around the world and living your life and making your own mistakes and decisions.

i would run away very fast, if i was in your shoes

JonathanAnon

The only thing that I would have a problem with is the father sleeping over in her house, and not getting on with you. This is bound to come to a head at some stage if you cannot find a way to get along with him. You need to be able to get along with him or it will be a constant battle, particularly because he will be in the child's life and the house a lot.

I would not have a problem with her having a kid. Wouldn care what either family say either.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP HERE,

THANKS GUYS, I REALLY APPRRCIATE THE RESPONSE, YOU ARE TRUELY OPENING MY EYES TO THE SITUATION

We have talked about the whole situation already, and always come to the conclusion that it wont work ( or she does but never fully closes the book if you know what i mean, i never say "yeah it won't work" bascially cause if i do , i'll loose her and cant bear the thought of that), but i dont want to stand in her way if she meets someone who is better than me for her -

listen is there any chance you're a bit of a chump?
I mean that in the nicest way, but your luvly duvly comments all sound a bit too much for me.

If she's interested, tell her that

1. if she wants something with you the ex can't stay over and he needs to get a grip

If she isn't willing to budge on that then fkk it, sounds like she's having her cake (you fawning all over her like a little puppy) and eating it (ex minding kid, hanging around and staying over - are you sure there's no action between the pair of them)...

zxcvbnm1

Unregistered wrote: »

listen is there any chance you're a bit of a chump?
I mean that in the nicest way, but your luvly duvly comments all sound a bit too much for me.

If she's interested, tell her that

1. if she wants something with you the ex can't stay over and he needs to get a grip

If she isn't willing to budge on that then fkk it, sounds like she's having her cake (you fawning all over her like a little puppy) and eating it (ex minding kid, hanging around and staying over - are you sure there's no action between the pair of them)...

I'd agree with this.
I know some posters may find all that luvvy dovey stuff really sweet blah blah blah...but to me it gives off teh signs of a guy that doesn't firmly have his head screwed on.
And also - the ex sleeps over half teh week?

Listen - the reality is if they start to get used to each other again (which is always a possibility) - she will always pick the ex over you for the good of the child.
I also woldn't be surprised if the ex and her were still shagging every now and again.
You really need to at least entertain the idea that she may have you wrapped around her tiny finger.

To be honest - if it was me i would run for the hills.
Like - you're 23 ffs !

WHy on earth do you want to tie yourself down with someone with a child when there are millions of fish in the sea?
As a previous poster said you should be out backpacking around the world getting drunk and getting laid.

My adice - you'll regret it bigtime if you after this girl.

The last thing i would be doing is getting myself trapped like that.

LegacyUser

OP Here,

Right dont get me wrong, im fully aware that im 23, and im fully aware that i should be out travelling and experiancing life.

Its just like, im somehow caught

- im 23 and i want to enjoy my age, there is plenty of time to settle down

- but im mad abt her and dont wanna rick loosing her, but dont want to stand in her way if someone better comes along


Yeah i Know , i want to have my cake and eat it , basically it sjust a big fkin roundabout and its doing my nut in, and yes i agree its very mushy mushy bolloxoligy.

I just wish life was a little easier,

Ah sure its just a load bollix !!!

K

LegacyUser

I wouldn't if I were you. I'm 33 now and I know how much life can change between 20 and 30.

You're far too young to be getting a ready-made family and the ones who say "everyone has baggage" are talking crap.

Not many girls have this baggage at 23.

Go and enjoy your twenties....travel, work, sleep around...you will regret sitting in with this girl and her child every Saturday night I can tell you that.

VaioCruiser

Sorry but I don't buy that negativity.

Thousands of guys of 23 are fathers and are very very happy about it. It is ONE girl of two ... not a family of five ! There is no reason they cannot go out on Saturdays, and other nights too - after all there are such things as babysitters ...

I don't underestimate the commitment... but there are wonderful and magical things in being with the one you love and helping to bring up a beautiful little girl, for whom he will definitely be a father. Just not her biological father. But a father nevertheless.

'sleeping around' is over rated... and again there is no reason they cannot travel and share that experience.

wexford202

Wise head wrote: »

I wouldn't if I were you. I'm 33 now and I know how much life can change between 20 and 30.

You're far too young to be getting a ready-made family and the ones who say "everyone has baggage" are talking crap.

Not many girls have this baggage at 23.

Go and enjoy your twenties....travel, work, sleep around...you will regret sitting in with this girl and her child every Saturday night I can tell you that.

I really don't agree with you.

There are thousands of unmarried single mother around now.

Anyway what single mother do you know that sits in on a Saturday night with the baby? Most are out partying while the childs father takes the child.

He doesn't even have to act as a father to the child. The child has a father.

thebman

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

IMHO - absolutely not. life is hard enough without getting tied down at your age. you should be out backpacking around the world and living your life and making your own mistakes and decisions.

i would run away very fast, if i was in your shoes

That sounds like nonsense.

I hate the way loads of people say everyone should go traveling.

It just isn't for some people and he'd probably find himself wishing he was back in Ireland with the girl.

He should do what makes him happiest at this point in his life. If that is with this girl then go for it IMO. Be aware of the consequences of your actions though. Weigh it up and decide if this is what you really want and if so go for it.

miju

Unregistered wrote: »

1. if she wants something with you the ex can't stay over and he needs to get a grip

If she isn't willing to budge on that then fkk it, sounds like she's having her cake (you fawning all over her like a little puppy) and eating it (ex minding kid, hanging around and staying over - are you sure there's no action between the pair of them)...

and see this is the attitude that causes more hassles (i was the ex sleeping over for sake of kids which stopped when new 3rd party decided he didnt like it and put pressure on her to stop it). Now 1 year later kids see me 8 hours a week in total.

she should be allowed decide space to come to these conclusions of her own accord. don't start pushing issues as theres more than her and yourself to think of here.

This

Wise head wrote: »

Go and enjoy your twenties....travel, work, sleep around...you will regret sitting in with this girl and her child every Saturday night I can tell you that.

this is all very 1970s of young, unmarried, single mothers.....

Have a chat with a few young single mothers, or even young mothers in a relationship and see do they sit in every saturday night(or all night every other night of the week)... you will find your ideas are slightly flawed

LegacyUser

Yes, the PC mob are out here in force, all you need is love, blah blah blah

Rubbish, the guy is 23. Just because it's 2009 and not 1979, doesn't mean it's ok to throw your youth away.

zxcvbnm1

This wrote: »

this is all very 1970s of young, unmarried, single mothers.....

Have a chat with a few young single mothers, or even young mothers in a relationship and see do they sit in every saturday night(or all night every other night of the week)... you will find your ideas are slightly flawed

I think you are taking the other post up too literally.

the point the other poster was making is that your life is definitely far more restriceted whe a child is in the pictuire.

Not necessarily talkimg about literally saturday night as such.

Also - OP - you also say you don't want to stand iun her way if someone better comes along.

I gotta be honest - this attitude sucks in my book.

It stinks of youthful naivety.

In my opinion no one loves so much whereby they are happy as long as the other person is "with someone who makes them happy even if it's not me"

That's a loser attitude in my book.
That would not be said by an older person.

To be honest OP - you strike me as someone who is going out of their way to come accross as the nice guy where all the girls here will go "Ah you're so sweet" etc.

Dude - wise up - you're 23 - if you have any sense you will realise that the last thing you wanna do is settle down with some bird with a kid at your age.

A non-naive person would see that.

Nevyn

Some people do want to settled down and have kids at that age, knowing that by the time they are in thier 40 sthe kids are gornw and they can enjoy the rest of thier lives and thier retirement in peace.

If you love her and you want to make it work you will and her ex and your family won't really matter to you.

zxcvbnm1

Thaedydal wrote: »

Some people do want to settled down and have kids at that age, knowing that by the time they are in thier 40 sthe kids are gornw and they can enjoy the rest of thier lives and thier retirement in peace.
.

WHat !!!

The last thing the guy should be doing is making plans to ensure his life will be nice and easy when he is in his 40s and therefore go through hassle now !

How bout he lives his life for the moment as a 23 year old ?

Like - how boring is it to live a quiet restricted life now for the 'reward' of having kids old enough to look after him and enjoy his retirement when he is 40 ?

OP - do not listen to this advice whtever you do.

Nevyn

I never said the kids were to look after him in his old age, but that some people prefer to start a family in thier early 20s then be facing fertilty problems later on and having to rear teen agers when they are in thier 50s.

zxcvbnm1

Thaedydal wrote: »

I never said the kids were to look after him in his old age, but that some people prefer to start a family in thier early 20s then be facing fertilty problems later on and having to rear teen agers when they are in thier 50s.

WHat person in their early 20's makes the decision that they would like to have children at that point to avoid rearing teenagers in their 50s or later life fertility problems ?
That's teh last thing they should be thinking of !

Kids in their early 20s shoudl be living for the moment instead of making life decisions that will only benefit them 30 years down the road.

I am not saying don't be sensible - but making plans for their 50s and possible (while also highlyvunlilely) fertility problems at that age ???
Where's teh fun gone ??

Like- serioulsy - come on man !!
How much does that lack in fun.

Nevyn

Someone in thier 20s is not a kid but an adult and well able to take on the roles and responsiblities of being a partner and a parent if they should choose to do so.

zxcvbnm1

Thaedydal wrote: »

Someone in thier 20s is not a kid but an adult and well able to take on the roles and responsiblities of being a partner and a parent if they should choose to do so.

All very idealistic.

Mosyt people in their early 20s barely know their as from their elbow - nor should they need to !

That's what early 20s are for - certaionly not for rearing other peoples kids.

Bottom line - plenty of time for that !

LegacyUser

I think this guy should give it a go and see how things get on, it seems they both want each other and the only stumbling block is the ex still in the house.
By the term "Single Mother" i presume the person is a "Lone Parent" correct me if im wrong but maybe with the ammount of Lone Parents out there of ALL ages both with young children and teenage children might be happy to move on and find some sort of happyness in there lives.
Nobody is throwing their lives away. Myself and my then gf (now my wife of 20 yrs) found ourselves expecting our daughter she's now 22. We didnt care about what people said, WE were happy and that was all that mattered and now I see that we made the right choice. It's very easy to walk away.
To the OP, go for it you seem happy with both ladies in your life. And happyness can only bring out the best side in your relationship.

LegacyUser

At least one person here, zxcvbnm1, is talking sense.

Really, the 'advice' given out here to an impressionable 23 year old is disgraceful.

I hope he does settle down with her and then we can all read her thread "My boyfriend has left me and my baby high and dry" in five years time.

sunnyjim

Get out of there. There's an ex on the scene, a kid involved and your only 23. Do as Pink Fluffy Bunny said, and go travelling.

wexford202

Mosyt people in their early 20s barely know their as from their elbow - nor should they need to !

That's what early 20s are for - certaionly not for rearing other peoples kids.

Bottom line - plenty of time for that ![/quote]

My God I seriously pity you. Just cause you yourself might have been living for the moment in your twenties and from what it seems like a bit of a waster you should not just assume that others are like that too. or that others want to live that life. Your twenties is a short part of your life and there are so many ways which people enjoy themselves and your way to me would seem like ****e.

I had people like you saying to me you shouldn't take life too seriously in your twenties... go ahead and travel, see the world, don't buy into too much commitment etc.

You would think I went against that but i fact I love my life. I am 25 now. I am married a year have my first child on the way. I am with my husband since I was 17. We set up our own business when I was 20 and he was 22. I live in a three story house people could only dream of. I have a car and a jeep both worth over 100 grand each. Yes that is just money things and I know it doesn't always equal happinesss but to me it shows my hard work in my early 20's paid off

I waited a couple of years to travel. I worked my ass off. I worked 14 and 15 hours a day for 3 years just to get our business going. While some people were going around with their back packs and staying in hostels yea I was you would think, leading a boring life at home. But from a few years of hard work I can go anywhere in the world. I have been all over. Even for month long holidays. I now have the luxury of a 5 star hotel and first class flights.

I would reckon settle down in your 20's take a proper look at your life. What makes you happy makes you happy. No-one can decide that. All the luxuries in life will follow. Love and family should always come first. You can travel at any time of your life. There are kiddies clubs everywhere and it can be cheap for family holidays.

I'm sure you will get away for breaks on your own.

Don't listen to all the stupid comments about no commitment in your 20's. You will be fine.

John Mason

you see wexford you are coming from a place where you have never done the year out thing.

i spend most of my 20's travelling here and there and i wouldnt change them for the world. i had the most amazing adventures.

i am now 34. for the last few all my holidays have been to blah 5 star hotels and i am sorry they are absolutely no substitute for hostelling around the world.

i have decided no more 5 * hotels, they are boring and nothing happens in them.

as you get older your body doesnt have the stamina to party the way it used to, and fine if thats what you want fine.

But to throw your 20's away to me is awful, i will be happy take the guys twenties, and feck off again.

i would hate to think he will be back in here 5 years time saying how much he hates his life because he feels trapped and near got to experience life

oh and there is much more to life then money

Nevyn

Again some people don't think investing thier time in a family in thier 20s is a waste.
Different people have differnt piorities in life.

wexford202

Of course there is more to life than money but there is more to life than travellin from hostel to hostel. Maybe this person doesn't want to travel around the world. It certainly wasn't my ambition to back pack.

''But to throw your 20's away to me is awful, i will be happy take the guys twenties, and feck off again.''

I would hate to be 34 and wish I was 20 again. That to me is sad.

So when the 20's are over is that a reason to stop enjoying life and travelling. Your body does not have the stamina? Mine does. I gym it 5 times a week and I'm pregnant. My husband would go 7 days a week.When I went away on a grils weekend recently it was the older woment that made a show of the younger ones drinking! That's stamina.

I know plenty of people taking a year out in their late 20's. I also know a full family moving to Dubai for a year out and they are in their 30's and as for the kid he actually isn't the husbands son and he is 8 and he is going to school over there for a year.

You can put your mortgage on hold for a year and do whatever you want. There is no timescale to the years you can have fun.

Back packing to me would be like torture. Living out of a bag. Looking grubby and un washed all the time. Ringing home pestering your hard working parents for money in your 20's as you can't get a job. That is pitiful. And that's whats happening now as there is no work abroad.

LegacyUser

I have to agree 100% with Wexford202. I had my daughter at 19 and worked hard to bring her up to the way she is now, she is hoping to do Medicine this year depending on her LC results which she appears to be confident about. I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 18 years. We travel abroad on shopping trips and nothing can compare to the rewards of been a parent. Some people have such old fashioned ideas, I am 37, have a great life, work full time in a fulfilling career, have bought by house and paid it off a few years ago because kids focus you and give you great incentives to achieve things. Personally I wouldn't have any interest in the travel side of things apart from a couple of weeks here and there, I consider myself to be well travelled so basically this talk about sitting in on a saturday night feeling sorry for yourself certainly is not the case and i think there are some people commenting on this topic that have not got an idea of the real scenario. I think the OP will regret it if he doesn't make a go of it, live for today you might not be here tomorrow. Good Luck

This

He might regret it either way... if he stays yes he might end up regretting it and wishes he had 'lived' more.... but if he leaves her he could also regret that too......

John Mason

but dont you see that is the difference.

you have never been packing so you dont know. on average when i was travelling, i was living on 1-2 hours sleep a night, there is no way in hell i could do that now.

Partied like hell and i am sorry but 2 nights out on the beer and i am done for the week. that has nothing to do with the gym.

you like 5* hotels, i find them boring but i know the difference between real travel rather then just going to resorts, i have met real people seen their way of life, and their customs.

i would love not to have the responsibility i have now and to be able to move about as i want but i also want security.

yes, i probably could packing in my job, sell my house and head off again but i really dont want to - seriously you have no idea what it is to sleep in a different village/town/city every night for 2 years. its hard work no amout of going to the gym will make it any easier.

as you get older your prorities and goals in life change. when i was in my twenties, all i wanted to do and party and enjoy myself, never to settle down and live the dream.

now i party albeit with more responsibility and no where to the excesses of before. i go on nice holidays and have a great life and i am living the dream but in a much different way to when i was in my 20's.

i know a lot my friends who had their children younger, the one thing they regret is not getting to experience more of life before the settled down.

his guy seems rather immature in his posts and he is going to take on someone else's child.

Really think, he should give it a miss for now, go away find himself and experience all that world has to offer and if it is meant to be they will get together.

John Mason

wexford202 wrote: »

. Living out of a bag. Looking grubby and un washed all the time. Ringing home pestering your hard working parents for money in your 20's as you can't get a job. That is pitiful. And that's whats happening now as there is no work abroad.

they have showers and washing machines outside ireland you know

i never looked grubby or unwashed thank you very much

and I NEVER rang my parents looking for money ever and to date, i have never asked my parents for money

Nevyn

Can we stop derailing this thread please by getting pass remarkable with other posters.
Please keep posts on topic and helpful to the op.

wexford202

Unregistered wrote: »

I have to agree 100% with Wexford202. I had my daughter at 19 and worked hard to bring her up to the way she is now, she is hoping to do Medicine this year depending on her LC results which she appears to be confident about. I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 18 years. We travel abroad on shopping trips and nothing can compare to the rewards of been a parent. Some people have such old fashioned ideas, I am 37, have a great life, work full time in a fulfilling career, have bought by house and paid it off a few years ago because kids focus you and give you great incentives to achieve things. Personally I wouldn't have any interest in the travel side of things apart from a couple of weeks here and there, I consider myself to be well travelled so basically this talk about sitting in on a saturday night feeling sorry for yourself certainly is not the case and i think there are some people commenting on this topic that have not got an idea of the real scenario. I think the OP will regret it if he doesn't make a go of it, live for today you might not be here tomorrow. Good Luck

Thank God someone is on the same page as me.

You will know soon enough whether it will work out or not. Some things are well worth a try.

Only you full know your own situation and only you will know what you really want.

By the way this person is setting a great example to all people that you do not have to be a certain age to enjoy yourself. If we were all the same life would be boring. I can't wait to be a parent myself. I would give my life in a second for my child that isn't even born yet!

You will find that you should not need to search for happiness. It is usually there right in front of you.

VaioCruiser

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

WHat person in their early 20's makes the decision that they would like to have children at that point to avoid rearing teenagers in their 50s or later life fertility problems ?
That's teh last thing they should be thinking of !

Kids in their early 20s shoudl be living for the moment instead of making life decisions that will only benefit them 30 years down the road.

I am not saying don't be sensible - but making plans for their 50s and possible (while also highlyvunlilely) fertility problems at that age ???
Where's teh fun gone ??

Like- serioulsy - come on man !!
How much does that lack in fun.

Mo offense, but this is an appallingly naive viewpoint and I would expect it from a 17 or 18 year old. But perhaps if 'fun' is life's criteria... then maybe it makes sense in some other universe.

VaioCruiser

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

But to throw your 20's away to me is awful, i will be happy take the guys twenties, and feck off again.

I find this viewpoint, that somehow "only in our 20s can life be lived in some kind of youthful idyl" - to be bizarre in the extreme. In fact it is far better in our 30's than 20s because most people in their 20s have no money and no real life experience.

I have travelled and done wonderful things in my 20s, 30s and 40s. There is nothing magical about the 20s for goodness sakes. What a limited view of how life progresses is that. And remember this is 2009 ! People are healthy and vigorous and energetic into their 50s and 60s !

What matters is whether this lady and this situation is right for this guy. It either is or isn't. It's that simple. There is wonderful fun and pleasure and satisfaction to be had from traveling as a family too. There is nothing stopping them going on holidays of all kinds anywhere in the world. Often a lot more than wandering around the world alone with dirty feet, a big bag pack and sad people with no money.

OP - make your decision on whatever is best for YOU ... NOW.. and don't let this imagined fantasy wanderlust divert you from what is really important in life - love and happiness.

All the best.

Spon Farmer

Unregistered wrote: »

Right,

i would be greatful on you views here

1. mad about this girl
2. she has a 2 year old daughter ( adorable )
3. the father of the girl stays in the house half the week - stays over ( I have not problem with this I personally think he should remain a major part of the girls life )
4. he knows abt me , hates me ( obviosely ), never met the guy, and i dont know him so im not going to judge him ( despite what she says - i prefer to make my mind up abt people first )
5. my family hate the idea or me dating a single mother
6. her family, like me, get on great with all of them , but they also think its a bad idea
7. im 23 shes 23 , the father is 29
8. was dating her years ago and it ended mutually because we were going different carer paths , always was mad abt her and i have always measured every other girl i was with against her ( she always won )
9. im 23, do i need this senario in my life at a young age , i havent been travelling yet cause i dont want to stop my career and i could leave at any point
10. im afraid, that if i start dating her and we break up 2 or 5 or whenever years down the line , the effect it will have on the little girl, i dont want to be walking in and out of a childs life, i couldn't do it
11. I'd marry the girl any day of the week in a heart beat if she didn't have a little girl ( i know its terrible )
12. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO , I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE KEEP BUILDING WALLS BETWEEN US !!!

thanks ,

i'd love to hear you views

k

Your obviously a decent sort. you don't want to to mess anybody about.
I was a father at 21 and a single parent. (sort of - I wouldn't have made without my parents.) My daughter was number 1 in every decision I've ever made("was" because she has proven herself quite capable of making better decisions than me), especially in any relationship I had (which wasn't many).
"that you would marry her but for the child" is not a terrible thought. it proves you understand that if you could be a "presence" in this child's life.
but your only 23, and you may want to take off at anytime. I had skipped college and gone traveling at 18 so I wouldn't deny you the experience. I've been lucky enough to be able to travel a lot with my daughter. we even took a year out to go once round a few years back.

the father living in the house part time will be a major pain (of course he has the right to be with the child) but whether planned or not, he is interfering with any possibility of this woman of forming a relationship.
I've also been adjusting to the stepfather role lately and that's hard enough with the guy living 5 miles away, let alone upstairs. there hasn't been trouble but I'm still getting used to the idea that my girlfriend's little girl has a "Daddy" and she is getting confused too lately.

hope this helps.

Spon Farmer

damn, I rambled a bit about myself there. but I have no time to go back and edit.

try this.
you care about the girl. you care about the child. you even care about the father (but he seriously has to move out).
your not going to feck anybody about. your not the type.

so see were it goes.

you'll enjoy traveling in any period of your life.
you'll only be were you are now once.

God bless.

Mr. Presentable

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

IMHO - absolutely not. life is hard enough without getting tied down at your age. you should be out backpacking around the world and living your life and making your own mistakes and decisions.

i would run away very fast, if i was in your shoes

I agree. Whatever about the detail of the above, if you were committed and believed it would work and it was the right thing, you wouldn't be asking random heads on the internet. You are not ready, so walk away. Far away.

Spon Farmer

nipplenuts wrote: »

I agree. Whatever about the detail of the above, if you were committed and believed it would work and it was the right thing, you wouldn't be asking random heads on the internet. You are not ready, so walk away. Far away.

actually, now that I think about it, I also agree with nipplenuts (but not pink fluffy whatsits)
the single parent in me is saying "feck off" to you.

so basically I'm as confused as the OP.
I've got my own problems so I can't really help.
disregard all my posts. your better off.