MSN?

LegacyUser

Ok I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I kind of am looking for some advice and to see if anyone has any experience.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for approx 18 months. And things had always been brilliant. I have so much fun with the girl, everything is great I love her more than anything else in the world. I've never pictured myself with anyone else. We have had problems before but we always worked through them, but this time... I'm really not sure.

The main problem in the relationship is families. I happen to be from a pretty conservative family, uncles a priest, mothers family has nun's all that jazz, but my girlfriend is from a pretty rough estate and her mother never married. It never bothered me in the slightest, I love my girlfriend. Her situation had nothing to do with herself. But the main problem is her complete lack of confidence in herself. At first glance, she is stunning, really truly stunning. I mean she takes my breath away when I look at her. But the problem is when you get to know her deeper, she thinks she's ugly, she thinks she's fat. She has no real close friends to speak of other than me. It is purely down to her lack of confidence. She can’t understand what I see in her when I tell her she’s gorgeous.

I've recently finished college with a masters and am one of the lucky one's with a job for the next few years. My girlfriend was never the studious type. She's currently dropped out of college and is contemplating what to do next. She thinks she will do beauty therapy because she has an interest in it. Again this doesn't go down well with parents and leads to smart remarks etc but I don't let them get to me and my girl doesnt come out much to see them so it doesn't really matter.

When we were first going out I was on my girls computer and she left herself logged into msn, there was about 60 contacts on it, and they were all real pervy guys just looking for pics etc. We had a huge row and she agreed not to do it again. I thought everything was grand and moved on.

But just last week I knew something was up, she had been acting weird lately, not taking calls, not texting me even about important news like exam results etc. So I was in her house and she was on the internet, I saw a dating/social networking site on her tabs, ( I wasn't snooping she was on the computer while I was watching tv). So I went home and checked out the site. And I found a profile set up, which apart from pictures seemed to be my girlfriend, favourite band, videos, status updates etc. But it was a completely fake profile, different girls pics, different name, different hometown etc. There was an msn address on it and I tried to log on using my girls password. (I know this was snooping but I had reasonable suspicions) I got on and found over 90 guys in the contact list, the mail account had been open since last February. I couldnt believe it. I just feel so let down.

I confronted her, and she still tried to deny everything. She first pretended she didnt know anything about it. Every step of the way she has denyed it. I now know everything. She has been using it on/off for the past 6 months to chat to random guys online. Some of the chats got pretty explicit and some guys used cams etc.

I just feel numb. I'm not angry. Mainly confused, I mean, why? She says she doesnt know why and she's sorry and she's been crying none stop since this all blew up friday night. But I just don't know what to feel. I mean, why did she do this?

But she set it all up as a fake persona, as a completely successful young woman, and with pictures of a girl who she wishes she was like. The thing is am i being unreasonable? It wasn't as if she could meet anyone because she looked different to the pictures. But I still feel so let down like. I mean we would have a great day together or that, then she would just go home and chat to all these guys online. Like she had two separate lives like.

Anything at all would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hi

I feel so sorry for you OP. She has duped you and this is not the first time. Learn your lesson and realise that she is in a messed up place. She seems to be using these online flirtations to live out a fantasy world that you are not a part of.

Do the right thing for you and move on. You deserve someone so much better.

insert-gear

It was a result of her lack of confidence. She needs attention from guys. But this will be a recurring theme I'm afraid, if being with someone for a year and a half who clearly loves her hasnt raised her confidence enough to stop her then I doubt anything will. Tbh you have to think of what would happen if a male friend started to show her that attention. Due to the fact that the attention appeals to her lack of confidence there is a very good chance that something could happen there, so I would have to advise that you cut your losses and move on. I'm sorry though, it's a really horrible situation to be in

ManOfMystery

Tricky situation OP, and sorry to hear about it. As you say it's not likely that she would ever have went and met any of these guys or cheated on you, given that she was using false pics and details, but she was still having explicit talks with them.

To some people thats considered fairly harmless and a fantasy-type situation, to other's it's a form of cheating. I would look at it as cheating personally. Whether it's chatting online, or chatting on a phone with a guy, she is in a relationship with you and having explicit sexual conversations with other men is bang out of order - it stinks of deceit and shows a lack of respect for you. Her crying and obvious guilt shows that she knows she was wrong. You say you're numb and not angry, but IMO you should be a little angry and you have every right to be.

How you go forward is up to yourself. But as posted above, it's a form of attention seeking and people like that tend to repeat it.

wexford202

I know that you are a good gut and are trying to see the best in this girl but unfortunately this is not going to work for you.

I know that in many cses opposites attract and these relationships sometimes work but the thing is that ye are too completely different on too many levels.

This girl is not the one for you. You will not be able to sort her insecurities for her and if you haven't managed yet you must know yourself deep down that you never will.

You need to move on before your heart breaks and I am sure a good guy like you will find someone soon. The girls will be lining up for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. Right now they are extremely helpful.

I don't know it's a very confusing situation to be in right now. It is a year and a half and I don't just want to f*ck it all way in the blink of an eye.

The thing is that before this everything was so happy and I really pictured myself with her, as in forever. I used to be a bit of a jack the lad before I met her but from the moment I met her it was crazy, I really couldn't get enough of her. She wasn't my type or anything. All I wanted to do tbh was to go out and find as many women as I could.

But since I found out about all this msn stuff I just don't feel the same. She has some serious issues to deal with, I know that, always have. And I always wanted to help her and show her I loved and cared for her.

She knows what she did was wrong, but she's finally prepared to go to talk to someone, because of this and many more issues. I just don't know whether I feel the same to give her another chance tbh. She's organising to go see a concillor. I hope this will make her change, but maybe it is time for me to move on.

I just won't rush into the decision. I'll take some time to think it all through before making the final push.

Thanks again for reading and posting.

LegacyUser

Hey in a similar situation to you, except that I've been married for a few years. My wife has actually given her phone number and met up with men, though I'm positive she never "did" anything with them. Hurt like hell, and I completely felt like I had been cheated on, even though nothing sexual ever happened. As far as I was concerned, she committed to me when we got married, and if there were issues she needed to deal with, she should have come to me first. Even though this was several months ago, I still feel absolutely depressed about it. I also reckon she's still in contact with some of the men, though she has definitely toned it down a lot (no longer on MSN til all hours of the night, etc.)

Anyways, you're not in the same situation as me. I'm trying to make a marriage work, because I DID commit to that when I married. You have to ask yourself how committed to this girl you are. Are you committed enough to take the potential heartache and agony?

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I think you're best to move on too. I was in a similar situation to you recently, except in my case it was emotional issues on her part thanks to a very disfunctional family that had her freaking out whenever I came close. She too was a very attractive girl, I could talk to her for hours on end and would (forgive the cliche) stand in snow to look at her. However it was my fault to ever become emotionally involved with her in the first place and it ended badly really. It was high time I moved on, and move on I did.

I guess the thing is that when you like someone (really like them) you tend to want to think they're perfect and overlook whatever faults they have, this was true in my case, I naively thought I could help her through all the issues she had and we both could go happily on as if they never existed, but they went far too deep for that.

It's clear she's very emotionally troubled and isn't ready for a loving relationship of any kind, and you've tried to help, so as the others have said you'd be best to move on and enjoy your life.
I did, in my situation and I'm not looking back.

finbarrk

I think you deserve someone a bit better, and you will get someone too.
Time to call it off I would think anyway.

LegacyUser

same situation but with my bf....the msgs were all before we got together and within a few weeks of us going out together he stopped contacting the girl in question but didnt delete her details etc I recently found old erotic messafges from her from a few years ago but it still hurt (we werent together btw) but i dont understand y he'd keep them so I deleted them and her from his contact list. if he's noticed hes said nothing but to be honest i dont care OUR relationship is worth a lot more then a few kinky old messages we spoke about it and its all ok again.......

if you love her you can work it out we did and hes worth the effort and always will be-we're gettin married in july so things can work even they seem impossible

be positive help her talk and be honest