So we were going upstairs this exact minute one year ago...

LegacyUser

... myself and the girl I cheated with, that is.

My girlfriend was out with her friends that night, and had just gotten home safe and into bed, and we had said our goodnights. Conveniently enough my phone was just about to die, and she knew it. I told her I was just waiting on a taxi, and would give her a call in the morning. "Night night, I love you".

In reality, I wasn't going home. A girl I know was taking me back to hers for my first and only act of indescretion, and she was on the phone to her boyfriend saying pretty much the same thing as me. I made the biggest mistake of my life that night. Three years of a relationship forsaken, I betrayed the girl I love so much and swore I'd never hurt after everything she'd been through in her life.

We're still together, and I never told her. One year on to the minute - and it hurts just as much as when I was getting sick in the shower at 6am, having not drank a drop. I haven't seen that other girl since, and don't know if she's still with her boyfriend, nor do I care.

I'm a pathetic human being for what I did, and I will never forgive myself. I can't ever bring myself to telling her, as she tried to kill herself before because an ex cheated on her, and moreover because I can't do it to her. It will kill her, her faith in the only man in her life she ever trusted will be completely destroyed, and I'll never see my beautiful, perfect girlfriend again, even though I don't deserve her now anyway.

I'm balling my eyes out as I write this, as the pain is even greater than the immediate aftershock one year ago. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this on my mind. I wish I had selfish, self-preservation reasons for my silence, but I'm finally just putting her first.

Micky Dolenz

Ya, get over it and move on. Nobodies perfect. You've tortured yourself enough and who knows you may even be all the better for it as a person.

Sometimes sh1te happens, now you've gained vaulable experiance, it is very unlikely to happen again. Put it behind you and look to the future with your true love.

Puddleduck

I would disagree, just because you flog yourself regularly over it dosent make it any better. She may have tried to kill herself before. I would suggest councelling to her, perhaps tell a friend of hers to look after her after you do tell her. I firmly believe these things come back and bite you in the ass, and tbh I hope it does. What you did was incredibly cold and suggests that you have no respect for her. Tell her now and let her make the choice of whether to work it out or not.

Micky Dolenz

No.....It's his guilt. Keep it to yourself, no good will come out of hurting her.

Your've learnt your lesson. If you tell your gf, you and her are doomed. You'll break both yer hearts, all for nothing.

Don't say a word, your punishment is you have to live with it. Don't punish your lover.

Johnnnybravo

You obviously regret it and dont want to break up with the girl. I would usually be of the opinion of honesty is the best policy but in this case it sounds like she has been through enough as it is. I dont see what good could come of telling her .

But I would say to yourself ask why you did it? Are you maybe not that happy with your gf but afraid to leave her incase she trys to harm herself?

You knew what you were doing by the sound of the post so you need to ask yourself why you did it?

wexford202

Look at the longest relationships and you will see that there are none of them perfect.

This kind of thing can happen once in many relationships and try not to worry too much.

Sometimes it takes a big mistake like that to relaise how lucky you really are.

Front

wexford202 wrote: »

Look at the longest relationships and you will see that there are none of them perfect.

This kind of thing can happen once in many relationships and try not to worry too much.

Sometimes it takes a big mistake like that to relaise how lucky you really are.

If he got drunk and had a drunken fumble I'd say bad form, but at least he was locked and didn't know what he was doing - some saving grace.

But he was sober, and on the phone to his GF whom he is apparently in love with - conscious of the fact that she has been burned in the past and is obviously fragile emotionally given that she nearly killed herself over an unfaithful ex. Yet he told her he was on his way home, and that he loved her, turns off his phone, gets into a cab with some [EMAIL="sl@g"]sl@g[/EMAIL] who's just spun the same yarn to her BF and shags her.

I'm a bloke, and I think he's scum - and blubbering on these message forums about how riddled with guilt he is doesn't change anything. Again if he'd been out of his mind drunk at least there'd be some kind of explanation - and his guilt could be genuine.

wexford202

Front wrote: »

If he got drunk and had a drunken fumble I'd say bad form, but at least he was locked and didn't know what he was doing - some saving grace.

But he was sober, and on the phone to his GF whom he is apparently in love with - conscious of the fact that she has been burned in the past and is obviously fragile emotionally given that she nearly killed herself over an unfaithful ex. Yet he told her he was on his way home, and that he loved her, turns off his phone, gets into a cab with some sl@g who's just spun the same yarn to her BF and shags her.

I'm a bloke, and I think he's scum - and blubbering on these message forums about how riddled with guilt he is doesn't change anything. Again if he'd been out of his mind drunk at least there'd be some kind of explanation - and his guilt could be genuine.

I was drunk is the worst excuse ever for being unfaithful. A mistake is a mistake.

I have never cheated on my own fella and I seriously doubt he would have ever cheated on me but if I heard now that he did I probably wouldn't finish with him even though we all say if he ever cheated I would dump him.

One night shouldn't ruin three or four years even though it would be hard to foregt about it.

There is no harm in being guilty and I am nearly glad that he didn't use the same lame excuse that men think will save them from ounishment 'I was drunk and can't remember'

Front

wexford202 wrote: »

I was drunk is the worst excuse ever for being unfaithful. A mistake is a mistake.

I have never cheated on my own fella and I seriously doubt he would have ever cheated on me but if I heard now that he did I probably wouldn't finish with him even though we all say if he ever cheated I would dump him.

One night shouldn't ruin three or four years even though it would be hard to foregt about it.

There is no harm in being guilty and I am nearly glad that he didn't use the same lame excuse that men think will save them from ounishment 'I was drunk and can't remember'

I'm not saying being drunk is an excuse or makes it right- but it offers some insight to how it happened. There is a difference between being blind drunk and having sex with someone and coldly planning, lying and carrying it out stone cold sober with all your thought processes in order.

DO you not think there is a difference between a drunken romp (still a relationship breaker IMO) and a sober pre meditated and calculated one nighter? Both are wrong, and I don't want to come across as if I'm suggesting drunken cheating is Ok.

Wexford202, Just to clarify my position here - I have never cheated - drunk or sober and would immediatly end it with my GF after 3 and a half years and living together if she had sex with another man. IMO it is too big an obstacle to get over and any relationship that came of it would not be the type of relationship I would want to be in.

wexford202

It can be very hard to judge when you haven't been in the situation.
My friend is with her fiancee about 9 years and cheated with a guy once. She always though the guy she cheated with was fab (even though is was rotten) so she went for it. I know if her fella found this out even though it happened 3 or 4 years ago would leave her but it would be such a pity as she never did it since and really loves the guy. It took that mistake to realise how sure she was about her fella.

Then there's the thinking once a cheater always a cheater.

I'll just hope I never have to go through that.

I have girls throwing themselves at my guy all the time as we would have a bit of money but my guy knows that majority of these girls want one thing and that's his wallet.

You seem very smitten with your girl 'Front' so it is probably something you will never have to worry about either.

Piglet85

OP, I'm completely anti-cheating, and have never done so myself. But sometimes, humans make mistakes. It sounds to me like that's exactly what this was - it may have been calculated, but if what you're telling us is true, you've regretted it every moment of your life since. What you did was wrong, and yes, your girlfriend deserves better, but I think better is exactly what you're determined to give her. If you GENUINELY believe that you will never do this to her again, then keep quiet. The only thing purpose that telling her now will serve is to salve your own conscience, and in the process you'll break two hearts. Learn from your mistakes, be a better man, and move on.

It may sound dramatic, but perhaps you're the one who needs counselling over this? If you can't forgive yourself, then I think you would benefit from seeing someone. Yes, you deserve to feel bad about it, but it seems to me that you've suffered enough, and you can not go on punishing yourself forever. By all means, remember that you fcuked up, and don't go there again, but don't ruin both yours and your girlfriend's lives over it. You made a mistake, but your reaction to it shows that you're essentially a good guy and you do love her. Life isn't always black and white, and sometimes good people do bad things. Don't beat yourself up forever.

LegacyUser

StillHurting wrote: »

..

I'm a pathetic human being for what I did, and I will never forgive myself. .

1. No, you're just a human being who happened to do something pathetic once

2. Forgive yourself. You made a mistake and won't do it again so cut yourself some slack. You have beaten yourself up enough. If it was a friend who did it to his gf, you wouldn;t be onto him every day saying "you're worthless. . . you don't deserve your gf...... you should feel terrible for ever about this"..... you'd probably just advise them to put it behind them and to get on with it.

LegacyUser

Umm, I don't want to appear overtly harsh but after reading through the original post
my one thought was the whole thing was rather melodramatically written.

I understand the guy has guilt...but he really is overplaying it.

"I'm balling my eyes out as I write this, as the pain is even greater than the immediate aftershock one year ago."

He has the right to still feel bad of course, but the above reads like a bad line from a movie.

"It will kill her, her faith in the only man in her life she ever trusted will be completely destroyed"

Again, rather a tad dramatic and over the top...perhaps the girl is stronger than he gives her credit for. Perhaps the role the OP gives himself as her sole pillar of strength is exaggerated. Maybe just maybe her whole universe does not revolve around him?

Again, I re-iterate I don't mean to cruel, but I honestly detected a need for attention and drama in the OP's post. I believe he shouldn't tell the girlfriend about his indiscretion, as it would serve nothing. All this talk of not being able to forgive himself, and woe is me with this unbearable guilt, I believe is just subtle pandering to the OP's sense of importance.

LegacyUser

Front wrote: »

If he got drunk and had a drunken fumble I'd say bad form, but at least he was locked and didn't know what he was doing - some saving grace.

But he was sober, and on the phone to his GF whom he is apparently in love with - conscious of the fact that she has been burned in the past and is obviously fragile emotionally given that she nearly killed herself over an unfaithful ex. Yet he told her he was on his way home, and that he loved her, turns off his phone, gets into a cab with some [EMAIL="sl@g"]sl@g[/EMAIL] who's just spun the same yarn to her BF and shags her.

I'm a bloke, and I think he's scum - and blubbering on these message forums about how riddled with guilt he is doesn't change anything. Again if he'd been out of his mind drunk at least there'd be some kind of explanation - and his guilt could be genuine.

Don't ever fall off that high horse you're on.

People make mistakes. Emotions are what differentiates us from robots.
It is entirely possible to make a calculated, sober decision to do something you regret down the line. We're not machines.

I have never cheated but I have been tempted - both drunk and sober.
But I make no distinction between fumbling drunk or a stone cold sober decision to have sex with someone else. Being drunk is not an explanation for bad behaviour, would you say the same about a drunken decision to get behind the wheel?

It's how the OP deals with his guilt that is the issue here.

Look, your girlfriend doesn't know. Telling her will do no good whatsoever, it will serve just to relieve you of some of the guilt.
You made a mistake. Nobody died, you're not worthless, you're not scum.
You know you made a mistake and regret it.
Move on.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Umm, I don't want to appear overtly harsh but after reading through the original post
my one thought was the whole thing was rather melodramatically written.

I understand the guy has guilt...but he really is overplaying it.

"I'm balling my eyes out as I write this, as the pain is even greater than the immediate aftershock one year ago."

He has the right to still feel bad of course, but the above reads like a bad line from a movie.

"It will kill her, her faith in the only man in her life she ever trusted will be completely destroyed"

Again, rather a tad dramatic and over the top...perhaps the girl is stronger than he gives her credit for. Perhaps the role the OP gives himself as her sole pillar of strength is exaggerated. Maybe just maybe her whole universe does not revolve around him?

Again, I re-iterate I don't mean to cruel, but I honestly detected a need for attention and drama in the OP's post. I believe he shouldn't tell the girlfriend about his indiscretion, as it would serve nothing. All this talk of not being able to forgive himself, and woe is me with this unbearable guilt, I believe is just subtle pandering to the OP's sense of importance.

Totally agree with this. OP seems totally self-centred, and more concerned with the guilt he feels, than the effects this will have on his gf were whe too find out. I'm sure her pain would be much greater.

Cheating is a selfish act, I have no sympathy for the OP whatsoever. He deserves what he gets, his gf is happy not knowing so she should be left that way.

kittenkiller

Hi,

I'm really curious.... Why did you do it in the first place?
A sober calculated clearheaded decision like that had to have come from somewhere?

partyguinness

TBH I dont think the OP is looking for sympathy. HAs the OP explained why he did it?

You made a huge mistake, you know it. I am not going to jump on the high moral horse and preach down on anyone.

What is done is done and the past cannot be changed.

Why dont you commit to being the best, most loving boyfriend you can from now on into the future and resolve to be being a better person?

Consider it your last chance.

I wldnt dream of telling the OH...what good will come of it? If you were to tell her you can never take it back..ever.

humanji

OP, you can't tell your girlfriend. You only want to tell her so it will make you feel better. But that's at the cost of crushing her and if you really do care about her, you won't put her through that. You just have to live with it. As said above, it happens. You're not the only one in the world who has cheated. Get over it and move on.

LegacyUser

OP here...

Thanks all for your advice, be it one way or another. I'm fully aware it's my cross to bear and I know that telling her would only be to pacify my own selfish sense of conscience, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't done so.

At the end of it all she is my world, and I've spent every day since my mistake trying to make it up to her. She regularly calls herself "a lucky girl", and tells me I'm "the best BF in the world" - which often makes things worse in my head. Regardless I'm trying to get over it, and am sure I will never do it again. Things were a bit rocky between us at the time, and we had been talking about "taking a break" etc. Since then we have strengthened what we have in to such a beautiful relationship, albeit with this one underlying weight on my mind. I do eventually want to marry her and have children with her though.

I have actually considered councelling for this btw, as I do not want it to impact upon us further down the line.

Unregistered wrote: »

Umm, I don't want to appear overtly harsh but after reading through the original post
my one thought was the whole thing was rather melodramatically written.

I understand the guy has guilt...but he really is overplaying it.

"I'm balling my eyes out as I write this, as the pain is even greater than the immediate aftershock one year ago."

He has the right to still feel bad of course, but the above reads like a bad line from a movie.

"It will kill her, her faith in the only man in her life she ever trusted will be completely destroyed"

Again, rather a tad dramatic and over the top...perhaps the girl is stronger than he gives her credit for. Perhaps the role the OP gives himself as her sole pillar of strength is exaggerated. Maybe just maybe her whole universe does not revolve around him?

Again, I re-iterate I don't mean to cruel, but I honestly detected a need for attention and drama in the OP's post. I believe he shouldn't tell the girlfriend about his indiscretion, as it would serve nothing. All this talk of not being able to forgive himself, and woe is me with this unbearable guilt, I believe is just subtle pandering to the OP's sense of importance.

"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

partyguinness

StillHurting wrote: »

OP here...

Thanks all for your advice, be it one way or another. I'm fully aware it's my cross to bear and I know that telling her would only be to pacify my own selfish sense of conscience, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't done so.

At the end of it all she is my world, and I've spent every day since my mistake trying to make it up to her. She regularly calls herself "a lucky girl", and tells me I'm "the best BF in the world" - which often makes things worse in my head. Regardless I'm trying to get over it, and am sure I will never do it again. Things were a bit rocky between us at the time, and we had been talking about "taking a break" etc. Since then we have strengthened what we have in to such a beautiful relationship, albeit with this one underlying weight on my mind. I do eventually want to marry her and have children with her though.

I have actually considered councelling for this btw, as I do not want it to impact upon us further down the line.



"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

Ouch..he shoots..he scores....saucer of milk over here..

puglover

StillHurting wrote: »

OP here...

Thanks all for your advice, be it one way or another. I'm fully aware it's my cross to bear and I know that telling her would only be to pacify my own selfish sense of conscience, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't done so.

At the end of it all she is my world, and I've spent every day since my mistake trying to make it up to her. She regularly calls herself "a lucky girl", and tells me I'm "the best BF in the world" - which often makes things worse in my head. Regardless I'm trying to get over it, and am sure I will never do it again. Things were a bit rocky between us at the time, and we had been talking about "taking a break" etc. Since then we have strengthened what we have in to such a beautiful relationship, albeit with this one underlying weight on my mind. I do eventually want to marry her and have children with her though.

I have actually considered councelling for this btw, as I do not want it to impact upon us further down the line.



"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

I love my boyfriend passionately and I'm not buying it, a knack for creative writing does not equal love. If you feel so strongly you wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Actions speak louder than words. Despite the yarn you a reeling off on here(which I think seems to be more about poor ole you, than poor gf), you're actions say that you don't actually love her all that much. You cheated on her and now you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Best boyfriend in the world, oh if only the poor girl knew how you'd fooled her!

Amazotheamazing

StillHurting wrote: »

At the end of it all she is my world, and I've spent every day since my mistake trying to make it up to her. She regularly calls herself "a lucky girl", and tells me I'm "the best BF in the world" - which often makes things worse in my head. Regardless I'm trying to get over it, and am sure I will never do it again. Things were a bit rocky between us at the time, and we had been talking about "taking a break" etc. Since then we have strengthened what we have in to such a beautiful relationship, albeit with this one underlying weight on my mind. I do eventually want to marry her and have children with her though.

I have actually considered councelling for this btw, as I do not want it to impact upon us further down the line.



"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

Wow, self-centred, self-pitying, arrogant, and a cheater.

OP, let it go, what are you achieving by dragging it around with you. Man up, accept you made a mistake and stop crying to yourself about it.

Course, you could really man up, accept your girlfriend is an adult who can take care of herself and respect her enough to tell her, but that's not going to happen, is it?

puglover

I agree, initially I was of the opinion he should keep it to himself. But the more posts I read, the more I think this girl has a right to know exactly who it is she has fallen for.

Salome

StillHurting wrote: »

"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

You had my sympathy until I read this - you really do only think about yourself don't you? And as soon as someone offers some off-message advice, you don't like it.

I agree you should tell your gf, so she knows what she's hooked up with.

zxcvbnm1

Ya - the language the OP uses does seem a bit OTT and melodramatic alright.

Chocoholic84

Wow OP...you sound like some piece of work alright!

I really don't get all the people on here excusing what you did...by saying humans make mistakes? Yes this is true, they do, but there are certain mistakes that are more forgiveable than others.

You sound like a cold, calculating person. You still haven't answered WHY you felt compelled to cheat. You say you were going through a rough patch, but most couples do at some point - believe it or not, not all of them go off and shag someone else to verify their feelings for their OH!

This absolutely disgusts me - you're a bit unsure how you feel so you think cheating is the answer? As you have found out, this will make you feel a hell of a lot worse, and is NOT the answer.

Maybe you have the perfect relationship now - but you know why? I would hazard a guess that most of that is based on guilt on your part, you're being overly nice/sweet/romantic to your g/f to compensate for what you've done, and she in turn thinks you're the "best b/f ever" - little does she know. I would go so far as to say the whole relationship is a sham.

I reckon you should grow a pair and finish it - she deserves so much better than a liar and a cheat. (No need to tell her about your indiscretion - why hurt her more than you have to - but you definitely need to end it. Now.)

LegacyUser

StillHurting wrote: »

OP here...

Thanks all for your advice, be it one way or another. I'm fully aware it's my cross to bear and I know that telling her would only be to pacify my own selfish sense of conscience, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't done so.

At the end of it all she is my world, and I've spent every day since my mistake trying to make it up to her. She regularly calls herself "a lucky girl", and tells me I'm "the best BF in the world" - which often makes things worse in my head. Regardless I'm trying to get over it, and am sure I will never do it again. Things were a bit rocky between us at the time, and we had been talking about "taking a break" etc. Since then we have strengthened what we have in to such a beautiful relationship, albeit with this one underlying weight on my mind. I do eventually want to marry her and have children with her though.

I have actually considered councelling for this btw, as I do not want it to impact upon us further down the line.



"Perhaps, perhaps, maybe, maybe".

Don't worry, you didn't appear harsh/cruel... just cynical. First out of the woodwork though, congrats. I'm glad you took time out of your Frasier marathon to share with me your faux psycho-analysis, based solely on the wording of a clearly emotional post at 3.10am on a school night (which I feel suggests my guilt is anything but self-important in it's motivation - Otherwise I'd be in bed getting my 8 hours, looking after number one first).

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

In reply I must say that the above, in spite of the OP's protestations, merely confirms my original suspicion that his words and thoughts reveal a degree of narcissism on his part. Emphasis on the word "degree", as I am not completely unsympathetic to his position...however casually mentioning in a post that his girlfriend "calls herself 'a lucky girl', and tells me I'm 'the best BF in the world' " is quite revealing in my opinion....

Amy33

Front wrote: »

If he got drunk and had a drunken fumble I'd say bad form, but at least he was locked and didn't know what he was doing - some saving grace.

But he was sober, and on the phone to his GF whom he is apparently in love with - conscious of the fact that she has been burned in the past and is obviously fragile emotionally given that she nearly killed herself over an unfaithful ex. Yet he told her he was on his way home, and that he loved her, turns off his phone, gets into a cab with some sl@g who's just spun the same yarn to her BF and shags her.

I'm a bloke, and I think he's scum - and blubbering on these message forums about how riddled with guilt he is doesn't change anything. Again if he'd been out of his mind drunk at least there'd be some kind of explanation - and his guilt could be genuine.

I agree 100%. What an idiot...

togster

Forgive yourself OP.

It's in the past. Nothing you can do about it now. Telling her will not make it better.

It's as simple as deciding to let the guilt go

VaioCruiser

StillHurting wrote: »

OP here...
Thanks all for your advice, be it one way or another. I'm fully aware it's my cross to bear and I know that telling her would only be to pacify my own selfish sense of conscience, which is one of the main reasons why I haven't done so.

Hi OP... This is the 100% best course of action.

... I hope you find someone someday who you can feel and write as passionately about as I have; then perhaps you'll understand where I was when I wrote my OP.

I understand why you reacted to that post as you did - it was a little bit cynical.

On the other hand OP... while I do respect your conscience and admire the fact that you have one and care so much about your partner to pen your post....
I must in all conscience, myself, say that you need to now get a grip on this and not let it carry you away. It is a YEAR ago.

You didn't sleep with her sister, or her mother ... you didn't molest anyone or kill anyone. You aloud your lust to get the better of you in the way that many many people do from time to time. It's not good, it was a mistake and you were wrong to do it.

But it's done - and finished now. It's a whole year ago..... It's over. It's past. It's history ! There comes a time when we have to say enough is enough, and forgive ourselves.

Move on and love her and your life.

All the best !!

zxcvbnm1

OP - i honestly suspect that you get a perverse pleasure out of feeling a kind of victim in this scenario.

I think you need to get over yourself.

This "bawling my eyes out" is conpletely OTT in my book.

I suspect you are loving thsi thread.

Nevyn

zxcvbnm1
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Why feel the need to cheat? I'm afraid this is the sickest form of cheating.... where you've pre-planned the event, you've got no excuse really and I can understand the shame you feel. However, do you really love your girlfriend? I couldn't cheat on someone I love, simple as that. You've got to ask yourself if she deserves someone like you and do you really love her. If you intend staying in a relationship with her then you'll have to tell her, you can't let her go ahead and marry you, have your children and you having planned something like that behind her back, if you intend leaving her then just break up and don't tell her.

Front

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't ever fall off that high horse you're on.

People make mistakes. Emotions are what differentiates us from robots.
It is entirely possible to make a calculated, sober decision to do something you regret down the line. We're not machines.

I have never cheated but I have been tempted - both drunk and sober.
But I make no distinction between fumbling drunk or a stone cold sober decision to have sex with someone else. Being drunk is not an explanation for bad behaviour, would you say the same about a drunken decision to get behind the wheel?

It's how the OP deals with his guilt that is the issue here.

Look, your girlfriend doesn't know. Telling her will do no good whatsoever, it will serve just to relieve you of some of the guilt.
You made a mistake. Nobody died, you're not worthless, you're not scum.
You know you made a mistake and regret it.
Move on.

I didn't say being drunk excuses bad behaviour. But it would make his claimsregret seem slightly more credible.

To deliberatly cheat on someone you claim to love in a clear state of mind, 100% aware of how your actions could destroy them and then whinge about it on a messageboard crying about how distraught you are with guilt a year on... give me a break. Why didn't he feel this regret when he was balls deep inside this other bird..

This has to a Wind Up thread the more I think of it.

VaioCruiser

Front wrote: »

I didn't say being drunk excuses bad behaviour. But it would make his claimsregret seem slightly more credible.

To deliberatly cheat on someone you claim to love in a clear state of mind, 100% aware of how your actions could destroy them and then whinge about it on a messageboard crying about how distraught you are with guilt a year on... give me a break. Why didn't he feel this regret when he was balls deep inside this other bird..

This has to a Wind Up thread the more I think of it.

And I think this is another obnoxious and disgusting post that demonstrates no sense of humanity or understanding of people and the complexities of life.

This forum is for people who come to get advise and understanding - not get dismissive, judgmental, crass and insulting posts from people who clearly don't know what they are talking about and have no sense of compassion or understanding of what it is like t be flawed and make bad decisions from time to time.

adzer86

SAY NOTHING!!!!!

OP,
You say you want to marry this bird??? Aint gonna happen if you tell her that shti. And anybody who thinks that "OH you HAVE to tell her, she deserves to know" BS!!! Ive cheated on my ex and told her, key word being ex. I admitted and all that, told her everything, apolgized more than I could remember and got nothing for my efforts, should have just kept my mouth shut. Doesnt matter to (most) women how you cheated, and it shouldnt. saying "Oh I was blind drunk" Nah wont make any difference.
And stop with the balling your eyes out business, grow a sack will you! Its been a year and you obv havent received any threatening phone calls from a pissed off BF so the girl you shagged has obv said nothing, you are in the clear, move on

VaioCruiser

100% right. 100% right. 100% right. 100% right.

BraziliaNZ

Just forget about it OP. Never a truer word said than "what she doesn't know wont hurt her". I don't know why you'd beat yourself up about it if you realise it was a mistake and don't want to do it anymore.

Front

VaioCruiser wrote: »

And I think this is another obnoxious and disgusting post that demonstrates no sense of humanity or understanding of people and the complexities of life.

This forum is for people who come to get advise and understanding - not get dismissive, judgmental, crass and insulting posts from people who clearly don't know what they are talking about and have no sense of compassion or understanding of what it is like t be flawed and make bad decisions from time to time.

My opinion differs to yours.. doesn't mean I don't know what I am talking about. I would argue that someone such as yourself knows not what you talk about, who regularly goes on here telling people who show no regard for their OH's feelings what they want to hear. - "hey man, you cheated - we're animals man - its what we do. Don't beat yourself up and whatever you do don't tell." Seriously.

You might consider a propensity to conduct pre-meditated and pre planned act that would break someone's heart to be a standard human flaw. I don't. If he felt any genuine shame for what he did he wouldn't be wasting his time on boards.ie - he'd face up to what he did and let his GF decide if she wants to commit the rest of her life to someone who can so blatantly lie and rip her off.

This guy came on looking for opinions. I gave him mine..

annon123

You have to ask yourself which would be better for her in the long run?
if you tell her about the mistake then you run the risk of her a)hating you, breaking up with you and c) perhaps trying to kill herself again.

What would telling her gain you? i am 100% usually for the truth but sometimes the truth brings more hurt with it than not telling it. I dont know would you be able to live with yourseld if she does something silly when you tell her?
basically weigh up which is the heavier burden to carry. perhaps this is your punishment. I dnt think she deserves to be heart broken if you honestly believe you will never do it again.

best of luck with your decision

Silverfish

Guys if you have an issue with each other, take it to pm, thanks.

Off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

LegacyUser

a relationship is based on trust, including knowing the type of person you're in a relationship with. The NOT TELLING HER is a valid point but very much advice which benefits the OP, however it doesn't consider his girlfriend and her desire to have a monogamous (spelling) relationship. If my girlfriend was cheating or had cheated on me I'd want to know before marrying the person. How can you love and honour someone when everything about the relationship is 'fake'. Of course he can brush it to the back of his mind, zip up and pretend nothing happened......but if you were in her shoes wouldn't you feel you'd deserve to be told before making a life long commitment to a cheater??
By not telling and staying in the relationship you're making another selfish decision which compounds the first.....