Depressed girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,

My girlfriend has suffered from depression the last 2 or so years, it comes in waves where sometime she is perfect and happy and then she could go a day or 2 without talking to me and when i eventually get through to her shes crying and stuff. She says it lasts around a week and goes away for sometimes a month at a time. Im with her around 8 months but over the last week or so it has gotten alot worse.

She doesent want to talk to anybody about it and i was shocked when she said she couldent even talk to me about it. Ive begged and pleaded with her to go to a doctor and even said i would make the appointment and go in with her but she will not because she said she cant talk to *anybody* about it. Also shes afraid he will send her to a phsyciatrist which means more talking to people. She often talks about wanting to die and that everyone would be better off without her. Ive ruled out attention seeking as she is definitely genuinely sick.

Has anyone been through anything like this? Since she wont go to the doctor ive decided to order "st johns wort"(herbal antidepressant) for her and hope this works somewhat.

Sorry about the long post but i dont know where else to say this. She lives with her cousins and her parents are in a different country, i dont know any of the family personally so i cant talk to them about it, but she says they know. Its very hard on me and i feel almost helpless. What can i do except try to comfort her? I worry so much about her i havent slept more than 4 hours a night in the last week. Especially when she turns her phone off.

Any advice appreciated

Xiney

She really does need to see a doctor. You need to convince her of that.

Taking any herbal remedy without the guidance of a healthcare professional is also not a good idea.

LegacyUser

She really needs to see a doctor asap. Could her cousins talk to her or does she have any close friends? St Johns Wort is supposed to be helpful with depression but it can take a month or so before any difference is noticed. Also it can affect some medications so if she is taking anything else, that would need to be checked into. Please look after yourself too and go to your own doctor to have a chat with them about all of this.

oldyouth

I have to agree with a visit to the doctor. It really is the only way to get it sorted, trust me:o.
The key is to find the right person to help your girlfriend see this as the right course of action. Sometimes the people closest are not the best ones to do this

Carsinian Thau

She needs to see a doctor. They're the only people that can properly help her.

Taking something like St. John's Wort isn't a good idea without medical supervision, and ordering any pharmaceuticals off the internet is not particularly safe most of the time.

If nothing works, go to the doctor yourself and get their help in getting her to see them.

Good luck OP.

babaloushka

I may be picking this up wrong, but it sounds to me like very bad PMS, as in lasting around a week and going away again for about month. there are quite a number of excellent treatments for this complaint, most of which won't involve going for any kind of psychiatric treatment. The contraceptive pill and B vitamin supplements are often prescribed, as this type of depression (if it really is PMS) is organic and hormonal in nature and therefore responds to medication.
In order to persuade your girlfriend to go to the doctor you will probably need to wait until the depression has lifted again - regardless of whether it's PMS or not. When she's in that trough of despair (as you've already found) there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she sees no hope of feeling better. When she's feeling more rational and the depression lifts is the best time to put some pressure on. Can you explain then how worried and upset you feel and that for your sake (if for no other reason) would she go to the doctor? It might seem like blackmail, but if it gets her there ...

994

well you sound like a very good boyfriend. I'd recommend more-or-less ordering her to go to a doctor because mere advice has failed and she might be jumping off a bridge if you don't MAKE her see a GP AND a therapist. Just turn up in a car, if you have to drag her into it that's OK. It sounds extreme but if "She often talks about wanting to die and that everyone would be better off without her." and if she turns off her phone regularly you can't just be pussyfooting aroud the issue.

LegacyUser

Thanx for the replies. About the PMS, i hadnt thought of that and will ask her if it comes around that time. Ill try my best to convince her to go to the doctor. She has been feeling much better today so i think i'll try get her to go when shes back to normal for awhile.

I think its worth a shot with the St Johns wort, whats the worst that could happen? IF it does not actually work, maybe it might have some sort of placebo effect.

Any more advice apprectiated, especially from anybody who has been through similar.

LegacyUser

I have similar symptoms to your GF. IMO it is probably a culmination of both PMS and slight depression as an offset. I suffer from severe PMS. There is no quick fix except trying to ensure a hormonal balance...agnus castus, dong quai, black cohosh, evening primrose oil, chronium tablets (could become a walking medicinal cabinet). I purchased the cheapie St Johns Wort in Tesco (NI) and 3 weeks in I reckon there definitely is an edge coming off my anxiety. Beware that it negates the effectiveness of the Pill.

Wibbs

As the last poster said st johns wort like any active drug or set of drugs has side effects. I think a visit to her GP may be a better bet.

LegacyUser

I'm concerned about you in all of this. I've lived with a depressed man for 10 years and it was only when I stopped "minding" him that things got better. As in, i let go, he hit rock bottom, realised how bad things were and made a decision to do something about it.

Before, i was like you, helping him out, putting up with moods, worrying... and it took its tole on me and on the relationship. i saw counsellors to help me get through his depression, and at its worst, i had to move out with the kids because he got very angry. he would climb out of it depending on me, then things would be great for a while, then he would fall back in to the hole. because he didnt see what was happening, he didnt take responsibility for it. only when she decides that she is worth making the effort for, will she do it. you cant do it for her.

so what I want to say to you is that this is a new relationship, 8 months. but she has known her black dog (depression) a lot longer than she has known you. the chances are that she wont go to the doctor for you, bar you dragging her there and holding her hand she has to be ready to do it. if she is, thats great. but be prepared for her to resist. be prepared to be constantly disappointed. and you loosing sleep already, its only the beginning.

sachamama

OP yes you do have to think of where you fit into all of this. You could be investing too much of yourself into trying to make her feel better, and then the relationship becomes about her depression.

Acknowledge that she feels like ****, depressed people don't like to be cheered up. talk to her about how she feels on her level, using her language. but don't try to fix it. she will appreciate that you have a sense of what she is going through. if you love her, this is the way forward. be with her, but not fixing her.

however hard you try, you can't fix her. she has to do it herself. but you can support her and hold her in her pain. I'd just say, try not to get lost in the equation, (her+her depression+you=relationship) you need her to care about you just as much as you care about her.

LegacyUser

i'd say im in the same boat myself,

My fiancee has recently become depressed, mainly due to an accumulation of sad family events in the last few years which she admits she hadn't dealt with properly.

she's been seeing a councillor for a few months now and although it seemed to work great for the first weeks, it seems she's now immune to it, and depression is worse than ever.

i'm inisisting she takes a week off work and see's a doctor as shes starting to have panic attacks in work, but she says she'd be too embarrassed to discuss with a doctor and is too busy in work to take the time a sick week.

she's worried a doctor might just put her on drugs to cure it, yes we'd rather avoid drugs but i cant bear to see her being miserable for much longer never mind on our wedding day

fingers crossed she'll agree to see doctor soon and the doc will refer her to a professional therapist rather than just throw her a prescription..

sorry for hijacking ur post mate

SLUSK

You have no right to force her to see a psychiatrist. Chances are they will put her on antidepressants which will do more harm in the long term, because they are addictive and have some nasty side effects. Depression is a part of life just like happiness is. Please do not try to force her to go to a psychiatrist against her will.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Im with my boyfriend over three years now and he suffers from depression. I think what really helped him when it first began was talking to me about it before going to see a doctor. As it became worse I mentioned it to his Mum who was shoked as she hadent even noticed anything was wrong with him. Maybe if you could speak to her parents about it it may help in the long run, as this is what helped my OH deal with his and eventually see a doctor. He knew he had support from me and his family and that was a huge help for him. Best of luck.

Xiney

SLUSK wrote: »

You have no right to force her to see a psychiatrist. Chances are they will put her on antidepressants which will do more harm in the long term, because they are addictive and have some nasty side effects. Depression is a part of life just like happiness is. Please do not try to force her to go to a psychiatrist against her will.

If she is suicidal, she needs to see a doctor.

And if she gets worse, she can be forced by the state to see one so she might as well go now before it gets that bad.


Ignorance about anti-depressants, depression and psychiatry have no place on this forum. Consider this your only warning.

LegacyUser

From personal experience, that sounds a lot like PMT. At one stage I thought I was cracking up, but I noticed the pattern. My doctor recommended 'Magnesium OK' which you can buy in boots or most pharmacies or health food shops. I'm not sure why this particular magnesium supplement was recommended but it must have good levels of magnesium. I have to say that it helped a lot. Exercise also helped a lot. It gets the endorphines going and very importantly avoid alcohol.
I found that 10 days of the month I was so low and depressed and then suddenly I would snap out of it again. Get her to keep a diary of when it starts or you keep the diary.
My doctor told me that unfortunately , as we get older PMT and period pain can get worse and the only way to cure it is to have a baby!!!! Not great advice really.

Oh The Humanity

I think its worth a shot with the St Johns wort, whats the worst that could happen?

Although St Johns Wort is herbal, it is a prescription medication in Ireland. As far as I understand it can interact with other medications or have contra-indications. You have to be so careful, you dont want it getting worse.

It could well be PMS. A mixture of starflower oil and evening primrose oil from day 1 of her period until ovulation (around day 14) and flaxseed oil for the rest of the cycle is excellent.

Magnesium and a good B complex the whole month around too. Vit E cant hurt either.

When people are depressed they can see no way out and every solution or improvement suggested to them seems frightening as it might have negative consequences. That thinking where she imagines going to the doc will start a chain reaction of other scary and negative events is very indicative of depression whether it be PMS/major depression etc

But I cant emphasise that every patient is so unique, and so is every cure. Do listen to the professionals as the last thing you want is to make things worse.

Monkey61

I'll firstly echo what others have said about St John's Wort, just because it is herbal does not mean that it should be taken without supervision, it is not available over the counter in Ireland for a reason and really as you are not a medical professional you are in no place to be dolling out drugs to her.

Right, it is great that you want to help but here is the thing, depression as an illness makes people very selfish and that is how your girlfriend is behaving. As her depression is having an effect on you as well, she owes it to you as well as to herself to get it sorted out. I am not advising you to make threats or issue ultimatums, but I think you need to have a frank and honest discussion with her about how this is affecting you. It isn't fair of her to expect you to put up with her moods if she refuses to do anything about them. Explain to her that as a team in a relationship sometimes people need to make sacrfices and compromises in order to keep that relationship running smoothly. It is horribly cruel and unfair of her to tell you that she feels like she wants to die and then refuse to do anything about it. She has to!

It took a long time for my previous girlfriend to convince me to go to a doctor about my depression, but when she eventually did it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Your girlfriend has to be made understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that this is not something that she can deal with on her own.

It took me quite a while to realise how selfish I was being by thrusting my depression upon other people and expecting them to deal with it. It's like if you broke your leg and then refused to see a doctor and spent evenings crying with the pain and were unable to take your girlfriend out anywhere because you couldn't walk - silly analogy I know, but I imagine in that situation she would be telling you not to be so ridiculous and to get to a doctor immediately.

Her illness is not just her problem if it is affecting you and to be honest if she is not willing to work on it for the sake of your relationship than I would have a serious think about whether you really want to be with her. Harsh I know, but as a previous poster pointed out, enabling someone to wallow in mental illness can actually harm them in the long run and discourage them from ever hitting rock bottom and sorting themselves out.

Varkov

unhappygf wrote: »

Hi,
I worry so much about her i havent slept more than 4 hours a night in the last week. Especially when she turns her phone off.

Any advice appreciated

Lol, dont be so whipped
:pac:

LegacyUser

babaloushka wrote: »

I may be picking this up wrong, but it sounds to me like very bad PMS, as in lasting around a week and going away again for about month. there are quite a number of excellent treatments for this complaint, most of which won't involve going for any kind of psychiatric treatment. The contraceptive pill and B vitamin supplements are often prescribed, as this type of depression (if it really is PMS) is organic and hormonal in nature and therefore responds to medication.
In order to persuade your girlfriend to go to the doctor you will probably need to wait until the depression has lifted again - regardless of whether it's PMS or not. When she's in that trough of despair (as you've already found) there's no light at the end of the tunnel and she sees no hope of feeling better. When she's feeling more rational and the depression lifts is the best time to put some pressure on. Can you explain then how worried and upset you feel and that for your sake (if for no other reason) would she go to the doctor? It might seem like blackmail, but if it gets her there ...

+1 Couldn't agree more, I thought it was me you were writing about, Whyn don't you get her to keep a diary for a couple of months to see if there is a regular pattern. My money is on PMT, some women get it a lot worse than others.

LegacyUser

Thanx for all the replies again. Shes been back to perfect as of yesterday, which came as such a shock to me i could not believe it. I had never considered PMS and i think this could be a very likely cause. She told me last night that she thinks shes finally over the worst of it and as i said i could not believe it, i didnt think it was her talking to be honest heh. I mentioned seeing a doctor now that shes back to normal but she reckons there is no need. Ill see how she feels over the next few days/weeks maybe and if i see signs of it coming back, i dont care if i have to bring her into the doctor at gunpoint(:p) it will be done.

I didnt expect such great replies. I realised even before making the original post that the doctor was the only way forward but when she gets down she gets so stubborn about everything. I know its not her fault as it is a sickness. As regards the posts referring to my mental state, i consider myself mentally strong. Im surprised through all this i havent lost my head but im still OK. Very relieved that shes feeling better but theres always the chance it will come back

ballybay_eh

SLUSK wrote: »

Chances are they will put her on antidepressants which will do more harm in the long term, because they are addictive and have some nasty side effects.

How true is this? I have a similar problem to the OP and I'm pretty much in the dark about depression and how to deal with it. My girlfriend used to take antidepressants but is off them now. I wouldn't have had any issue with her going back on them if necessary but I'm not aware of the side effects as her depression was before we knew each other.

Also, to the OP, hope everything turns out ok for both of you. It's not easy to be around someone suffering from depression, especially when you care for them. You'll likely never be able to understand how she's feeling when the depression hits her (as I'm slowly coming to understand myself) but I'm sure you being there for her helps though. Good luck.

Xiney

Varkov wrote: »

Lol, dont be so whipped
:pac:

Infracted.

Please have a read of the forum charter.

Ta.

Monkey61

ballybay_eh wrote: »

How true is this? I have a similar problem to the OP and I'm pretty much in the dark about depression and how to deal with it. My girlfriend used to take antidepressants but is off them now. I wouldn't have had any issue with her going back on them if necessary but I'm not aware of the side effects as her depression was before we knew each other.

Entirely untrue. Antidepressants are no more scary than any other kind of medication and play an absolutely vital role in helping a lot of sufferers of depression live a somewhat normal life.

Addictive - not in the sense that you are probably thinking. As the average anti-D takes about 2 months to build up in the body and start working it follows that it can often take a period of time for the body to readjust after one wishes to stop taking them - hence why this is generally done in gradual steps. There are some that feel more physically addictive than others, in that the side effects when stopping can be more extreme, but to the best of my knowledge these ones would rarely be the first offered by a doctor or a psychiatrist nowadays anyway. A doctor will be able to explain this to you properly though. Of course psychological addiction might come into play, but then that is a possibility with all medications be they over the counter cold remedies or painkillers, and to be perfectly honest, I would rather be on Anti-D's for the rest of my life than be miserable - there are worse things you could do.

Nasty side effects - again this is true of every medication, prescription or otherwise. Everybody is different and nobody knows how a medication will react with their body. It is perfectly normal when starting Anti-D's to experience some side effects for the first few weeks as your body gets used to them, but once your doctor has explained this to you and you know what they are then they aren't scary. Again it is a small price to pay for the immense relief that they bring. If the side effects continue longer than normal then the worst it can mean is that the medication isn't the right one for you. Like the contraceptive pill it is a matter of trial and error, different ones suit different types of people.

I hope that has cleared it up a bit. Either way, you should feel free to talk to your doctor about this and he/she will be able to put your mind at rest!