Why the change of heart??

LegacyUser

hey there. Ive got a broken heart scenario going on here and would be grateful for any advice or an opinion especially from male posters. dont know how to write this without being reeeeally long.

anyhoo, me and my bf broke up on monday night. We have only been together 2months, however during this time he did everything to convince me i was the love of his life, that he had waited for me his whole life and he'd never felt this way before about anyone. He said I was the first woman he had ever met he wanted to have babies with and marry one day etc...we are both 30. At first i was bit overwhelmed and scared but i was mad about him. When i voiced my fears and asked if he was sure he loved me and wasnt just infatuation he did everything to convice and reasure me that he loved me completely. So i let him into my life, and left my heart wide open to him. He was only 3months out of another relationship and so this also worried me but he assured me i was not a rebound and that he had met me at the perfect time blah blah.

He started to become distant few weeks ago. I asked him about it last week..like pulling teeth it was..he said he was just not sure he was in 'right place'. I said i thought we should finish as i just wasnt willing to get hurt. 2 days later we met up. he asked if i could give him another chance, promised to make more effort etc and actually promised that he wouldnt hurt me again, that he wanted us to move in together soon and that he truely loved me. I didnt want to always think 'what if' so i said i would. Fast forward 4 days and im left broken hearted.

I asked him, after a nice evening together, if he was feeling better bout things...he decided then that he actually wasnt ready for a relationship and needed time on his own etc. He said he had loved me but didnt anymore. even though he had told me just before he loved me so much! I was just astounded. Id given him so many opportunities since the beginning of our relationship to pull out of it if he wasnt ready and every time he was adamant and completely sure of his feelings. I am just so so hurt, not so much by the break up itself but from the things he had said to me. I have been single a couple of years and when i met him and he told me all these amazing things i thought i was a lucky girl and although wary i believed him and low and behold fell head over heels. Im just so hurt by him and dont understand at all why he changed his mind. I was NEVER needy, I'm very independent and we never argued.

Any thoughts on this would be so so much appreciated as my wee head is sore and heart is worried that it will never trust again!

SarahSassy

He is a selfish, immature bastard. Its guys like him who give good men a bad name. He is the exception though and there are so many nice guys out there but dont give him any more chances cos it is likely he will come sniffing round again.. He is a fool and does not deserve your attention. Move on, forget him and you will meet someone lovely.

Wibbs

IMHO I would say be dubious of anyone, especially a man who tells you he's in love with you within two months. I have found as a very general rule, those who claim to fall in love very quickly are the ones who fall out just as quickly. Bullet dodged.

LegacyUser

i'm going to say something controversial.....

I am a girl, i went out with a guy shortly after a break up. and good God, i fell head over heels. felt like the whole reason i had even been with my ex was to arrive at this moment with this new boyfriend. everything felt magical. i adored him, he adored me....i imagined even getting married to him, i dont even have a maternal bone in my body and i even remember one day having a conversation with him about how i'd never wanted kids but suddenly the idea that having one with him that would be a part of the both of us and watch them grow seemed so profoundly amazing.

you get the picture.


then suddenly, whatever i had been feeling disappeared. i was over my ex, i was over this new boyfriend and i just wanted out as fast as my jimmy choos could carry me. it was extraordinary and embarrasing for everyone. not to mention hurtful. i couldnt even explain what had happened. i didn't know myself. i just said i no longer felt the same and i needed to be on my own. and i did.

I can't offer any explanation now except to say that after the pain of a break up, you focus on the positive, you become actively single and independent, you go out- you distract yourself. harsh as it sounds, it was easy to fall in love, i needed someone to fill a wound i wasnt ready to deal with. and when enough time had passed ihad healed in some way and i was ready to do what i should have done before....take stock and time out.

i know its harsh, its horrible and i should never have wasted anybodys time but the truth is, i swear i meant everything i said at the time.

my point on telling you this is to tell you a few things i know for sure, this isn't about you. the reason he's called it quits is nothing to do with you. i honestly believe he meant what he said at the time but it wasnt realistic to expect that of him or you. you must accept those feelings are gone.


and some things i know for sure:

1. time heals
2. you must be an amazing person for him to have gotten close to you when he was so vulnerable
3. you will find someone who you adore as much as they do you.
4. and when you do, they will have the right amount of respect and humbleness to take it slowly, they will understand that a man must be pretty worthy to win your love and he will prove it BEFORE the declarations.

5. when the right man comes along YOU WILL KNOW. there will be no doubts.

Please dont think ill of me people.

and i hope this shed light

SheRa

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm going to say something controversial.....

I am a girl, i went out with a guy shortly after a break up. and good God, i fell head over heels. felt like the whole reason i had even been with my ex was to arrive at this moment with this new boyfriend. everything felt magical. i adored him, he adored me....i imagined even getting married to him, i dont even have a maternal bone in my body and i even remember one day having a conversation with him about how i'd never wanted kids but suddenly the idea that having one with him that would be a part of the both of us and watch them grow seemed so profoundly amazing.

you get the picture.


then suddenly, whatever i had been feeling disappeared. i was over my ex, i was over this new boyfriend and i just wanted out as fast as my jimmy choos could carry me. it was extraordinary and embarrasing for everyone. not to mention hurtful. i couldnt even explain what had happened. i didn't know myself. i just said i no longer felt the same and i needed to be on my own. and i did.

I can't offer any explanation now except to say that after the pain of a break up, you focus on the positive, you become actively single and independent, you go out- you distract yourself. harsh as it sounds, it was easy to fall in love, i needed someone to fill a wound i wasnt ready to deal with. and when enough time had passed ihad healed in some way and i was ready to do what i should have done before....take stock and time out.

i know its harsh, its horrible and i should never have wasted anybodys time but the truth is, i swear i meant everything i said at the time.

my point on telling you this is to tell you a few things i know for sure, this isn't about you. the reason he's called it quits is nothing to do with you. i honestly believe he meant what he said at the time but it wasnt realistic to expect that of him or you. you must accept those feelings are gone.


and some things i know for sure:

1. time heals
2. you must be an amazing person for him to have gotten close to you when he was so vulnerable
3. you will find someone who you adore as much as they do you.
4. and when you do, they will have the right amount of respect and humbleness to take it slowly, they will understand that a man must be pretty worthy to win your love and he will prove it BEFORE the declarations.

5. when the right man comes along YOU WILL KNOW. there will be no doubts.

Please dont think ill of me people.

and i hope this shed light

Fair play to you for saying that, that took a lot of guts:).
I hope the OP takes some comfort in your post.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO I would say be dubious of anyone, especially a man who tells you he's in love with you within two months. I have found as a very general rule, those who claim to fall in love very quickly are the ones who fall out just as quickly. Bullet dodged.

2 reasons why I think men claim to be in love with a girl so quickly

1: They are desperate and just happy to get any girl, so claim they love them.
2: They are in love with someone else and that person dumps,rejects them, so they project that love onto another person.

2 is doomed to fail, 1 do you really want that type of person.

Starting from scratch, it takes a good few months to really get to know a person, you can't love a person until you really know them.

LegacyUser

thanks guys for your replies...especially the very honest girl. i appreciate it heaps!! the problem i guess is that i just feel so foolish. but if a guy is constantly telling you all these wonderful things and all these dreams he has for you you are going to, after a bit of dubious thinking, believe him and he was very VERY convincing. I did truely believe at the time he loved me because 'i FELT loved' and had only had that once before with my first love when i was 18!! I should also probably mention that i have a child and that is another reason i was so guarded and cautious about the relationship to start with. but of course he said that after thinking about it he was really excited to get to know my son and couldnt wait for them to become pals. I suppose i can be grateful that they didnt ever spend enough time together to build a close bond. Anyway im just finding it hard to get my head round it all. Its tough thinking he probably never meant anything he said.

SarahSassy

Dont feel foolish... You are never a fool for trusting or believing someone. Some men tend to get all hot and heavy and then scare themselves... You should try reading John Gray - Mars and venus books... It explains that phenomon and seemingly its quite common....

Someone else nice will come along and try not let this tarnish your view of men. There are plenty of nice and normal ones.

LegacyUser

i know i shouldnt feel foolish but i do, i know i deserve better but i do miss him and i know i should not waste any more tears over him but i have an endless supply of them. im just soooo confused why this happened when he seemed so so sure. We were due to go away to uk next week to see visit my family and now all plans have had to change but guess im thankful didnt take him and introduce him to my friends and family which would have happened as the night we split he had been going on and on how excited he was to go and couldnt wait for it...literally 10 minutes later we were over. If i hadnt brought up how he was feeling about things he would have gone on the holiday.
I would really like and appreciate a mans point of view on this whole thing...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, firstly just like to say I'm really sorry to hear about what happened. Bit of background on myself. I'm a guy and like the guy you were seeing I was out of a ltr that was really serious, in fact if all had gone right we would be now married.

Anyway after taking some time off to heal I decided at friends instigation to try the dating scene again. First couple of dates were a disaster, just didn't want to be there but gradually got a bit easier and didn't feel like I was cheating or shouldn't be there.

Now I think the difference between me and this guy you were seeing is I was aware that my head was still messed up a bit, still is and we broke up almost a year ago at this stage. This made me very wary of what I said to any girl I met, of making promises etc when I knew my emotions were still a bit all over the place. I was also very aware that I could fall into the trap of projecting my feelings for my ex onto someone new so was very careful about that. Despite all of these precautions I did manage to hurt two girls, though I think it was less me in this case than them as I'd been clear at the start that I wasn't sure where I was emotionally and needed to take things very slowly. Both of them by the second date wanted a commitment which I wasn't ready to give so I ended it each time.

Move on a few months and I've laid off dating, still chat with the odd girl here and there and my head is in a much stronger place. Basically what I'm saying is there is not a chance in hell that I could have said what was said to you that soon out of an ltr, especially if there's children involved, and to be honest I would be extremely wary of anyone who did say that. It sounds to me going on my own experiences over the last year that he was still a bit of an emotional train wreck. The difference between him and me is I considered the effect anything I said or did would have on the other person, it sounds to me like he is either very bad at introspection, and or did not really consider you.

Again sorry to hear about that OP. Just remember there are a lot of us out there who are more thoughtful and considerate and when we say something we've given it enough thought that we genuinely mean it.

best of luck

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO I would say be dubious of anyone, especially a man who tells you he's in love with you within two months. I have found as a very general rule, those who claim to fall in love very quickly are the ones who fall out just as quickly. Bullet dodged.

I think if the couple have been friends for a while and already know each other, it's perfectly possible. I'd pretty much fallen in love with my bf by the time we got together and I think he felt the same. Doesn't sound like the OP knew the guy before though.

OP - I think the Unreg post about her rebound relationship was interesting. I think it's possible the guy really did think he loved you and meant everything he said, then just woke up one day and realised it was a rebound. Maybe I'm naive but I doubt he set out to hurt you. I've seen this situation happen many times and in most cases, the dumper was mortified because they really, truly believed this person was 'the one'. Being out of a long term relationship can really mess with your head and feelings. It's not an excuse to hurt someone, but it happens.

Karen_*

You'll never know what made him behave the way he did and then change his mind but you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. I think it's just who he is!

Think of someone having such a huge change of heart as them waving a red flag at you. No way do you want to be with someone who messes with your head and causes you to doubt your self worth. Absolutely no way.

Its a horrible feeling and it hurts loads but try not to give him anymore headspace and that includes the hours spent wondering how he could do this. The answer is just that there isn't alot to him at all. You've dodged a bullet.

LegacyUser

Exactly the same thing happened to me!! Same lines, same reluctance on my part to get involved, same everything so I am just curious if it is the same guy!

I promise that you will get over this. You will also go on to meet someone worth your while. If this muppet hadn't done this to me, I would not have met my partner of 4 years. Head up. Don't be embarrassed, this is dating! It's the hard part before the good part! He's just one (big) frog closer to your prince!!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm going to say something controversial.....

I am a girl, i went out with a guy shortly after a break up. and good God, i fell head over heels. felt like the whole reason i had even been with my ex was to arrive at this moment with this new boyfriend. everything felt magical. i adored him, he adored me....i imagined even getting married to him, i dont even have a maternal bone in my body and i even remember one day having a conversation with him about how i'd never wanted kids but suddenly the idea that having one with him that would be a part of the both of us and watch them grow seemed so profoundly amazing.

you get the picture.


then suddenly, whatever i had been feeling disappeared. i was over my ex, i was over this new boyfriend and i just wanted out as fast as my jimmy choos could carry me. it was extraordinary and embarrasing for everyone. not to mention hurtful. i couldnt even explain what had happened. i didn't know myself. i just said i no longer felt the same and i needed to be on my own. and i did.

I can't offer any explanation now except to say that after the pain of a break up, you focus on the positive, you become actively single and independent, you go out- you distract yourself. harsh as it sounds, it was easy to fall in love, i needed someone to fill a wound i wasnt ready to deal with. and when enough time had passed ihad healed in some way and i was ready to do what i should have done before....take stock and time out.

i know its harsh, its horrible and i should never have wasted anybodys time but the truth is, i swear i meant everything i said at the time.

my point on telling you this is to tell you a few things i know for sure, this isn't about you. the reason he's called it quits is nothing to do with you. i honestly believe he meant what he said at the time but it wasnt realistic to expect that of him or you. you must accept those feelings are gone.


and some things i know for sure:

1. time heals
2. you must be an amazing person for him to have gotten close to you when he was so vulnerable
3. you will find someone who you adore as much as they do you.
4. and when you do, they will have the right amount of respect and humbleness to take it slowly, they will understand that a man must be pretty worthy to win your love and he will prove it BEFORE the declarations.

5. when the right man comes along YOU WILL KNOW. there will be no doubts.

Please dont think ill of me people.

and i hope this shed light

My girlfriend of 6 months did the very same thing to me just there last week. I feel like sh1t. I spent countless hours letting her cry on my shoulder about he ex, who I know screwed her over badly and broke her heart. I gave her my all, treated her like royalty, pleased her in everywhere. We were getting on more than amazing and then out of the blue tells me she wants out. After spenting a week of telling me "I'm hers" and that she loves being with me. She didn't see a future with me and didn't believe I was the one. Bullsh1t bullsh1t bullsh1t please excuse my anger.

LegacyUser

In this case you would have to ask yourself

"Yeah would you bother?" You give your all just to have it thrown right back in your face

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

My girlfriend of 6 months did the very same thing to me just there last week. I feel like sh1t. I spent countless hours letting her cry on my shoulder about he ex, who I know screwed her over badly and broke her heart.

First red flag in my humble. Not easy to spot if it's your first time to experience it and even if it isn't it's sometimes difficult to see it for what it is.

I gave her my all, treated her like royalty, pleased her in everywhere. We were getting on more than amazing and then out of the blue tells me she wants out. After spenting a week of telling me "I'm hers" and that she loves being with me. She didn't see a future with me and didn't believe I was the one. Bullsh1t bullsh1t bullsh1t please excuse my anger.

Man I feel for you.

IMHO I think what happens and what defines a rebound is when the emotions of the ex relationship are not acknowledged, worked through and resolved. The person still has the emotions running strong(even if they left the other person). These emotions need some outlet and focus and rather than doing that on their own, they meet the rebound and transfer those previous emotions, lock stock and barrel onto them. Rebounds can be really deep and passionate very very fast for that reason.. I think that's what happened with unregistered's post that you quoted too. She was working through her old emotions on someone new. Easy trap to fall into. Nearly did it myself once TBH. More luck than judgement on my part that I didn't do the same as her.

Then the original emotions get worked through or burnt out, only now it's the rebound gets it in the neck, not the original partner. It's sadly very common too.

I'll say this though, it may feel really bloody hard for you now and it is, but be thankful it ended now and not years down the line. I've seen that and it's not pretty. I have even seen rebounds get married. Even less pretty down the line.

LegacyUser

Thanks lads..and lassies for your posts. crikey dating is hard alright..i was so long out of it that i was wary to start but when you are spoon fed flowery words of love and what not you gonna believe it eventually. I do think he is somewhat emotionally retarded. The man i fell for initially was nothing like the cold mean fraud he became. I only hope that it doesnt affect me in future relationships and that i can trust again. Anyhoo i have 10 days of adventure and high jinx in uk ahead to look forward to and am more worried now about driving on the english motorways than what my ex is up to. I'll prob never understand why he treated me the way he did and hope no other poor girl has to go through the same thing at his hands.

Nallandnanyways

I agree that, from the way you have described things, he does seem very emotionally banjoed.. or emotionally confused at least. As Wibbs said, the full-on kind usually become very much full-off just as quickly, its a symptom of impaired delayed gratification. "Must have cake, MMmmmmcaaaaake, nyom nyom, best cake ever, never want any other ca- Ooooh, different cake.... /slurp"

Just insofar as your comment that you hope it wont affect your ability to trust in the future... listen to your own instinct in future and youll be grand. If he is professing undying love after ten minutes, establish broader boundaries and a little perspective.

And I know you say you were wary and guarded, but someone professing such love after 5 weeks shouldve been a little bit of a flag, no? I dont mean to sound inensitive, but maybe you were a little too keen to believe his bullsh1t? And thats not a criticism of you, we all want to be loved.

Oh and re introducing your son...? I have a little guy too and I would never introduce him to any new lady unless I was seeing them a significant period of time (+6 months).. its fine adding new people into your childs life/heart, its when they leave that the problem starts.

Anyway, sounds like you have some closure and hope you and your little guy have a nice trip home.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

First red flag in my humble. Not easy to spot if it's your first time to experience it and even if it isn't it's sometimes difficult to see it for what it is.:( Man I feel for you.

IMHO I think what happens and what defines a rebound is when the emotions of the ex relationship are not acknowledged, worked through and resolved. The person still has the emotions running strong(even if they left the other person). These emotions need some outlet and focus and rather than doing that on their own, they meet the rebound and transfer those previous emotions, lock stock and barrel onto them. Rebounds can be really deep and passionate very very fast for that reason.. I think that's what happened with unregistered's post that you quoted too. She was working through her old emotions on someone new. Easy trap to fall into. Nearly did it myself once TBH. More luck than judgement on my part that I didn't do the same as her.

Then the original emotions get worked through or burnt out, only now it's the rebound gets it in the neck, not the original partner. It's sadly very common too.

I'll say this though, it may feel really bloody hard for you now and it is, but be thankful it ended now and not years down the line. I've seen that and it's not pretty. I have even seen rebounds get married. Even less pretty down the line.

Wibbs, what are the main ways of knowing if a relationship is a rebound rather than a new relationship which happened to start soon after another ended? Both for the person who is rebounding and the 'victim'? What are the red flags? Some may say it's obvious but I never got my head around this in my last relationship and ended up getting hurt.

Wibbs

IMHO and from what I've noticed there are some warning signs usually. Speed in general is the obvious one. Speed in moving from one person to the next, speed in professing undying love. Speed in accelerating the progress of the relationship(moving in together too quickly).

Personally I would not trust someone's emotional stability if they pull out the "I love you"s within a month or two of an old relationship failing. For me that smacks of someone who runs entirely on how they're feeling not the reality of a given situation. They're much more likely to walk the second they're not feeling it, even if the relationship is otherwise fine. It tends to also suggest selfishness and emotional neediness IMH.

Talking about the ex a lot(or more dubious, excessive contact with the ex). Someone who has the tendency to move on from relationships when the honeymoon period is up and go straight into the next is another red flag IMHO. They're "addicted to love" and when the old fix runs out, they seek a new one. People with a rake of two year relationships in the bag bouncing from one to the next can be examples of that. All fine, but then, usually in their late 20's(sometimes later in men), they settle down with one and more often than not, have an unhealthy relationship or feel trapped in the relationship 10 years down the line.

Now everyone and every relationship is different and there are couples out there who are fine and great and mtually healthy and they started up quickly and soon after an old relationship. IMHO that's more likely to happen if the old relationship was a longer one, say 7 years, or people are in their late teens kinda thing, or they've made really bad choices in the past and suddenly copped on. In general though if those boxes were ticked I would be very wary.

My personal definition of a rebound is where there are three people in a relationship. The two people and the ex. The ex doesn't have to be in contact but if the ex is an emotional presence that's the issue.

The thing with rebounds is that it's similar to "love at first sight", it's often only true after the fact when you can see it more clearly.

LegacyUser

I've had a couple of posts here recently re my recent break up after 10 month relationship...

Just to give you a flavour .. it might help you 'understand' your situation ...or not..

The ex
Even from day one the ex (of 4 years and only 3 months out of it when we met..) was always spoken of..everything was 'we' did this that or the other, he rang a lot (she even had long conversations with him whilst I sat beside her fuming..) Christmas time she spent an hour chatting to him whilst lying on one of the kids beds (said he was feeling lonely with HER kids, his first xmas away from them..)
In the end it decended into her having a break to decide if she still had feelings for him, sneaked off to see him whilst I minded HER kids, texted him a lot, met him and got lift home whilst on night out...ending up with her texting him that she loved him (I left at this stage..)

The indecision
We're not making each other happy, I need to be on my own for a wee while....brief break..
Come back Im so happy with you..you're the best
Distant again
back to her self saying I was the best

--then the split----

Im so gutted over this, I cant eat sleep etc..I miss you
Lets try again..put the romance back in
Im crying I love you so much
Cant wait to see you
Its over..I feel nothing
mad mad romantic sex
I think we may have a long future together..I need a few days to be sure..love you etc etc

Then NOTHING

ages later...............horrible email, saying horrible things...THE END



Now go figure that one out...there is no figuring it out....just need to look to the future I guess..

Best of luck with your situation

mazzyk

Dear OP,

I hope that by now you are enjoying yourself in the UK, away from thoughts of your ex. I know it is easy for those looking in from the outside, myself included, to say the usual cliches: 'time is a great healer', 'you're better off without him, 'at least you found out early on about the possible major flaws in his emotional character' etc. but I know, from my own recent experience, just how difficult it is to deal with this hot/cold type of guy. Having said that, those cliches are actually true and you are far better off without him. That's not to say it doesn't hurt terribly and my heart goes out to you.

In February I met a guy who swept me off my feet. He was the most romantic man I had ever met and he appeared to adore me. I should point out that I am not some naive, easily influenced young girl. I am in my late 30s, successful in my career, worldly-wise and have had a variety of relationships ranging from short flings to long-term serious relationships. I had recently split with a boyfriend and had intended to just date for a while and have some fairly innocent fun. However, when I met R he just seemed so lovely and we appeared to be very compatible and we fell into a whirlwind romance. He too professed love at an extremely early stage (within the first week - I know, with hindsight, or if I had heard this happening to someone else, I would be shaking my head...) and was constantly telling me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he had never loved anyone the way he loved me, how he wanted to be my husband some day (this was on the 2nd day we met...) and a long list of other lovesick lines. Although I was obviously hesitant as it was all so quick, part of me started to believe that perhaps it might be all so fast as this potentially could be 'the one'.

Then out of the blue he too turned around and told me that he 'couldn't do this' which struck me as bizarre as it was him that had wanted to marry me and have children! This pattern continued for 4 months - he would profess his love in the strongest terms, introduce me to family and friends, plan holidays, Christmas etc. Then within hours would decide that he couldn't go out with me?!

This behaviour continued and after each episode we would follow the same pattern whereby I would talk to him, reminding him that we should be just taking things easy and enjoying each other's company at this stage and we shouldn't be talking about always and forever, he would agree and we would have another period of fun and frolics. Then he would hit another wall and the pattern repeated itself.

The bottom line is that I have no actual advice to give you except that I can safely say that this experience had actually nothing to do with you and he will keep repeating it with each girl he meets for the foreseeable future. I am aware that this is of little comfort as I am sure you would like just to have the lovely person who you fell for back with you. Unfortunately, in a way, he doesn't really exist. The intensity that you experienced is not reality. It is as if he is an addict - he needs the fix of that emotional high but his body is unable to cope with it and he crashes. I am sure he truely believed that he loved you, that he had found his soulmate and wanted to be with you. However, the reality is he was writing emotional cheques that he couldn't cash. In my case, I am certain that R was not lying to me when he was promising me the world, just that he was living some kind of dream.

So do not feel foolish, if anything it is him that should be embarassed by his behaviour.

There are plenty of well-grounded, emotionally mature men in the world and sometimes it is by having these bad experiences that we appreciate the good ones so much more when the time is right.

LegacyUser

Just to say i don't think this is just a male thing, recently finished with girl and it was a very simlar situation, altough to be fair she always said from the start that she was mixed up from the last relationship and wasn't ready for anything...then at the same time we seemed to do most things a couple would do, my own fault i know for not reading the danger signs, but i liked her so much i thought that it may be worth the risk.

Not the case, now she just wants to "be friends" which is really just an easy way out for her i feel as i agreed to this(still clinging to hope of more i suppose) and told her to drop me a txt if she'd like to go for a drink or something....she said she would yet guess what....nothing since, suppose she has gotten over her "confusion" now and has no more use for me.....hurts like hell cos i liked her alot and did see something god coming of it but thats the way of the world i suppose, i've learned alot from this though and maybe that'll stand to me in future relationships (despite not being able to envisage them anytime soon)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
i posted after being in a similar situation a few days ago. Was with a guy for nearly four months absolutely crazy about each other. We started seeing each other on the back of a four year relationship we had with his ex.
We met after I crashed my car and he helped me get home and things. Looking back on the night afterwards there was something there as when he dropped me home we spoke for about an hour in his jeep. Anyway long story short he broke up with her in about February and about a week later he texted me to see how my car was going. Cue, texting for about three weeks, now i will admit that these texts were long and about every subject under the sun and i found myself falling for him. He asked me out on a date and my god i never felt like i had got on so well with and fancied someone so much in a long time, we stayed up all night in his jeep talking and kissing. He told me that he felt bad saying it but if he knew how good things would be with us he would have broken up with ex ages ago.

He said they both knew they weren't meant to be, the got on fine but not excellent and they both thought they deserved better. So everything was great until a few days ago, (we mentioned the love word and i really believed it was true as i have been in the crap relationships to know the difference), where he breaks up with me, gave reasons he needs to think about his life and be on his own for a while.
To be honest at the start i understood it as he hasn't been single in almost five years and is in a bit of a rut with his life at the moment and i think he just felt overwhelmed with it all and i was saying to myself we had real feelings for each other so i could understand it and i just thought he really does need sometime on his own but he still has the feelings for me.
Now, after reading your post i am nearly in tears as people here are saying rebound relationships are bullshi* etc and to think that i was just a rebound upsets me.
I am almost angry at myself for not copping on to it and angry at him for not realising he was being untrue to himself and me (thats if he was).
I dont know anymore, the whole way we met seems like fate and the way we texted for ages and had an excellent relationship seems like lies now and that actually hurts more than the break up.

I realise I'm sort of after hi-jacking your post OP but all i can say is I know how it feels and if i could go back again i wouldn't have went out with him so soon.Look after yourself and enjoy England.

Don't know what else to say as was gutted over end of my relationship and also haven't come out the other side of it so to speak so can't offer real advice.

Sorry for the long post, it just struck a chord with me.
I'm just upset after reading all those posts because i really

Wibbs

Unregistered it could happen to anyone and has happened to many, either by being the one at the recieving end or from the other side. It doesn't mean he didn't love you either, just that he wasn't far enough distant from the previous one to be able to kinda thing.

Plus everyone is different and I can think of one couple who were both the classic rebound and years later are still together and the proof of time tells the story.

LegacyUser

Wibbs,
how do you mean he wasn't far away from the first love to be able to love me?
He said there was no spark between them and that the reason they didnt break up sooner was that they were both scared nothing better would come along and then he met me and realised it could.

He also said that he hated telling her he loved her because deep down he knew it wasn't true and he thought she would feel the same. So how come, when things were better with us than they were with him and his girlfriend and the fact that they broke up mutually and the fact that he regretted going out with her for so long, that makes our relationship a lie and that im just a rebound for him?
I was full sure of him being the most genuine person i had ever met in my life and would still love to think that way. If he came back and said timing was the only thing that was wrong i would be inclined to go back and that would mean everything he said was true.
But the extreme that i was used by home hurts so much now that i really hope the other is true. He isn't the type of guy to lie and i would still be pretty sure that he would have had the same feelings for me regardless of previous relationship etc. Does that mean anything?

Wibbs

Well maybe it wasn't a "rebound" in the obvious sense. It could simply be that he needed more time on his own to work through the emotions of the previous relationship or needed space to be single. Everyone needs that to some degree or other. That's why my personal definition of a rebound is when there are simply three people in a new relationship. The third can be the ex, but it can just be the ex relationship itself. Nothing to do with her kinda thing.

He may have these feelings for you and it may have absolutely nothing to do with the past. Maybe it felt all too quick for him. Too intense after a previous relationship that was anything but intense for the latter end of it.

Time will tell. I wouldn't kick yourself for being "led on" or any of that. I have a feeling you weren't. What happens next is up in the air, so you just have to look after yourself and stay strong and let time bring it's own answer.

LegacyUser

Thank you Wibbs, that post has helped clear things up a bit.

I think the intensity was probably because he was with someone for four years and he jumped straight in probably where they left off. To be honest I was never so sure about someone's character than him and time will tell if i was right or not.

I really don't think i was a rebound in the sense i was used etc but the posts i read on here made me feel that and it hurt.

I think we would still have had the very same feelings even if he had been single for last four years but maybe not vocalised them as such. I think if i was in his position i would feel the same because he probably needs his time alone after the last relationship and he didn't have that. Hopefully after his time alone now, he will see what we had was very special and come back or make efforts too, if not then i will know i was only a rebound and will have my head held high as i have no intention to contact him at all. Let him see what he is missing kind of thing.

Thank you Wibbs, i see things clearer now and its all out of my control for now.

Wurly

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO I would say be dubious of anyone, especially a man who tells you he's in love with you within two months. I have found as a very general rule, those who claim to fall in love very quickly are the ones who fall out just as quickly. Bullet dodged.

Unregistered wrote: »

2 reasons why I think men claim to be in love with a girl so quickly

1: They are desperate and just happy to get any girl, so claim they love them.
2: They are in love with someone else and that person dumps,rejects them, so they project that love onto another person.

2 is doomed to fail, 1 do you really want that type of person.

Starting from scratch, it takes a good few months to really get to know a person, you can't love a person until you really know them.

Does this have any bearing on how long the previous relationship ended? Or is it always a no-no when someone tells you they love you so quickly?

Like, if the relationship was over a year or so and then they got with someone else. Is that different to the relationship just ending and then they profess love?

Wibbs

There are sooooo many variables, as many as there are people and couples. There are enough examples of people who had the love at first sight thing, professed love the very next day and are married 30 years down the line.

Reductive cynic that I am :) I think love at first sight doesn't exist, or at least it only exists when it's proven to be right years down down the line. IE the people happened to be very compatible and it worked. In that case it would likely have worked anyway. Maybe even the "pressure" of the love at first sight thing kept it together early on. Who knows.

In general I would be wary of people(men especially) who come out with the love stuff very quickly, for the reasons given before. The long term romantic relationship is one of the most important relationships of all our lives, so running with it just on a whim and infatuation and a notion of fate I think is not healthy when it's too fast.

If they've been single for a year or a day, I don't think is the issue so much. There is more likelihood IMHO of rebound type issues though. If the person is trying to replace the emotional void of the end of one with the start of the next.

I have just found that people who fall in love very rapidly tend to be driven by strong feelings and when they naturally subside into long term intimacy they tend to lose interest and look for the next "fix".

Unregistered mentioned the desperate aspect. That can happen with men or women. I've seen people who were very single for years and years then throw all their cards on the table when they did meet someone so that's maybe a factor. Then again I've seen those relationships work too. Again I think like the "love at first sight ones" they want them, even need them to work, so they actually work at it.

It would be age/experience dependent too I reckon. A man or woman with a lot of relationships behind them are more likely to be cautious, than say a 17 year old with none.

People differ so much that it is really up in the air. As a general rule I would personally live by, if someone told me they loved me a month in I would be cautious. If they had left another specifically for me(especially at the end of honeymoon type period 2/3 years) I would be cautious. If they said they wanted to leave the ex but gave me some lame excuse about fear of beng single I would be cautious(shows lack of emotional spine). If I found that this was a pattern in their past I would be cautious. If I found out they hadn't been single for any length of time and just went from one to the next I would be cautious. I would be cautious mostly because I would see that if we started to go wrong, then they wouldn't tell me and I wouldn't know until I got the "Dear Wibbs, it's not you it's me" speech.

Then again in reality in the past I threw caution to the wind when I was in love. I didn't delve too deeply into the whys and wherefores. I just went with it(not too early mind). In retrospect I should have spotted a pattern in some and that pattern came back to bite me. A couple were the rebound, only jump when there was smoeone to jump to. It bit the guys after me too, as they always kept in touch with me, though the guys in question like me didn't spot it.

LegacyUser

Back from hols...was so amazingly wonderful to catch up with friends and family and now am so blinkin homesick (new post?!). I wont lie and say i didnt think about my ex at all because i did but i certainly didnt allow it to get in the way of enjoying myself.now im back in ireland and back in my house i feel the old sad/angry/hurt feelings as before which in turn makes me angry for not being stronger! eek!
I want to say a huuuge thank you to all who posted replies.some were hard to hear but i take all on board.I hate to think that ive been a rebound, especially after being reassured by him i wasnt and i hate to think that he might go on and do this again to someone else. I am worried im gonna see him with a new gf very soon. that hurts. I know time is a tonic and i am trying to think positive. im just amazed how common 'this situation' is and although i hate to think of anyone going through this pain it is comforting to know that others can empathise. I hope it works out for us all.
Cheers again. im off to make myself a huge badge for myself for doing so well driving hundreds and hundreds of miles in uk...(apart from dodge hill start on ramp enterance to ferry all was fab!)

LegacyUser

so he has apparently got back with his 'crazy ex'. how much of a fool do i feel

SarahSassy

Ah ha... Well at least you know why it didnt work out... IMHO you had a lucky escape...

LegacyUser

but this actually makes me feel so disrespected and undervalued and makes our whole relationship seem like a joke. This man told me that his previous relationship was a disaster, that they should never have been together. They broke up a few times and he said they should never have got back together. He said she was mental and always fighting and he never loved her etc...etc...so why in the name of the wee man has he crawled back to her? When we broke up he said that he didnt want to be in ANY relationship, that he wanted time out of the whole relationship game and to be on his own..from what i can gather he got back with her while i was away in u.k. It just seems so crazy that he can tell me that he had waited his whole life for me and i was love of life blah blah say his ex is a nutter and fecked up his head then we split and he goes back. Ok so i now should see what a nasty human being he is but this is tearing me apart and as much as i try to put it out of my head i cant. aagh