The Same Recurring Issue (Huge Post - Apologies)

Kintarō Hattori

I'm sorry it's so long but it's complicated. I only ever air the negative side of our relationship here but there are many many good times, almost every day in fact. But, when something goes wrong it's usually a big one. This is a recurring issue and I need advice. Many thanks.

Myself and the fiancee will have been with each other 5 years later this year. Almost from the beginning she has known I have a leather fetish. I love to see her in leather and while it's nice at home the big thrill comes from her wearing something out say to the cinema, restaurant etc once a week or so. She has let me buy her various items over the years and often I have shown her something online or in a shop and asked her that if I bought it for her would she wear it and usually the answer has been yes. Over the years she has even bought items for me that she herself has come across in charity shops etc.

From time to time we have considered our future, where we'd live, what we'd do career wise etc. As I'm Irish and she is Polish she has mentioned more than once that she'd love for me to go to Poland and teach English as a native speaker. I'm not too keen on this idea as I'm not the teaching type and I doubt my ability to teach someone else the English language. She seriously put forward the idea that if I did she she would wear leather much more frequently, even perhaps on a daily basis. It'd be a big commitment on my part so she could do this in return for me. As appealing as this really is it's simpy not for me, I'm not a teacher.

Where I'm confused is this. Periodically she has like tonight gotten annoyed and angry that I enjoy the leather thing so much. She has threatened tonight to not wear it anymore. She says there are two types of women. One who dresses up and one which does not. She says she doesn't like it as it's not her style. I'm confused as she has known almost since day one that I enjoy it. She has bought herself and let me buy her things over the years. She even tried to convince me to teach english by dangling the possibility of wearing it much much more often.

I love her to bits for the lady that she is. I love her for her own style, for her sense of humour, the way she thinks etc, the usual reasons that you love someone. I don't love her because she does something special for me. That's simply a bonus.

She isn't by any account an easy person to live with however. She's quite negative and pessimistic. We've moved apartment almost on a yearly basis because she's found something wrong within our lease period. In 5 years together we're living in our fourth place. She has never been truely happy with whatever job she has been working at. In the last job (a well paying job) she wasn't happy with two of her co-workers and despite being moved to a different job she took the decision (having consulted me) to leave the job. She was coming home each night crying and desperately unhappy. So at the start of the recession she left the job and it was up to me to pay all the bills. We didn't go out much and there was never any money for luxuries.
I thought she would enjoy the time off of work and relax. Take the time to casually find a new job and enjoy some hobbies. She found a new job just this week after having been unemployed for 8 months and they were 8 months from hell. She was almost as unhappy not working. Complaining frequently about being bored, having no money and how it was a stupid decision to leave the job (despite her coming home each night crying). We're renting in Ireland, paying a mortage in Poland and I'm repaying a loan she wanted me to take out for some land (which we didn't get in the end). She has mentioned kids a few times over the years. HOW?! Only one of us was working and there's no money left at the end of the month. I want to have kids too but when we are in a better situation. I've tried to be realistic about it but I don't know if she can see it's not a good idea just yet.

She is a very jealous lady despite my never giving her a reason to be so (see below). It has caused several rows and makes watching some movies difficult (I got a hammering for watching Transformers), liking some musicians difficult (I've given up listening to female artists as apparently I fancy them all). I have to say though that she has gotten a little better over time.

While she was in the good job and since she's been unemployed sex has been infrequent. Where we might have had sex several times a week initially, it's now down to just once or twice a month. This is really annoying and frustrating. I once asked her what her fantasy was and it turned out it was to receive oral sex. I duely obliged. Whenever she wants it she can have it and I've initiated it for her many times when she hasn't asked for it. I feel guilty in regards to my fantasy but I can't help what it is.

We've been to Poland well over a dozen times and I've met her parents and family and stayed there lots of times. We've even bought a place there. We live just 30 minutes from my family home yet she won't go very often as she feels akward and uncomfortable there.

I know it's really ****ty of me to want her to do this. I try and be a good boyfriend for her in every other way. I'm always there for her. I've had my shoulder cried on for many different reasons. I've always backed her up when she's done something or made a decision. I tell her each and every day how much I love her, how she is genuinely the most important person in the world to me. I believe most other women would feel they are in a genuinely secure relationship I'm that committed and show it so often. I've told her many many many times that I love her and when she does this it's simply a bonus, it's not the reason I'm with her. I've suggested several times I'd be willing to go to counselling with her if it would help.

While she has had a tough time of it (in reality alot of it caused by herself) I have had to bear the brunt of it too. Paying all the bills. Taking out a loan because she thought we should buy some land, only for her to not go for it in the end. I like to see this once a week trip (even once a fortnight) as something to escape all the hassle, some relief from real life. I feel so guilty for enjoying it when she does. I've gven so much in the relationship and not asked for much in return. If I saw that something I didn't like but they enjoyed meant so much to them I could do that for them.

I'm so confused by her actions though, letting me buy her stuff, her buying stuff for me to enjoy and then dangling the possibility of reguarly indulging my fetish if I agree to something. So why when I ask can we go out somewhere does she blow up and question the future of our relationship?

Astrogeek

There is a possibility that she is depressed. I stress I'm in no position to give medical advice. But I think it is worth thinking about, asking a doctor about.
A close friend of mine sounds similar to her and he is depressed and taking stuff for it. He became so unsettled, paranoid and unhappy with everything.

Wurly

Hey there OP.

There seems to be a lot more issues present here rather than the leather fetish. But i'll deal with that first.

Initially when you start going out with someone and they share their fantasies etc, you want to oblige. It may not necessarily be your thing but you do it to please your partner. if its not something you're into, then engaging in someone else's fetish on a regular basis can be quite a chore. Sex is about 2 people. I mean, if she is willing to do it, then dont push it. Maybe an occasional treat? I know its your thing but its not hers and you cant mould her to be something she's not. How about you have a nice dinner some evening, drink some wine and write 5 fetishes/fantasies each on pieces of paper. Pick one and act it out. Or something like that? Make it a two way street basically. Receiving oral is not the same as a leather fetish. Oral is for the most part, an aspect of general sex. Fetishes are outside of the general area of sex. Do you see where i'm coming from here?

I don't know your girlfriend so I dont know whats going on in her head. Im gonna offer a few points here based on what you've told me. Maybe some might help.

Firstly the jealousy. This is always the person's own issue but it is blamed on the other person. Does she have body confidence issues? If so, she is prob comparing herself to Megan Fox et al and feeling like she doesnt measure up to these girls. This may seem ridiculous to most men but its a common issue with women. Furthermore, if she is not confident in her body, this may spill over to the sexual aspect of your relationship and affect it negatively. Like you said, you have given her no reason not to trust you so this is her issue with her confidence and self esteem. You are actually making things worse by giving up normal things like the female music artists etc. You are facilitating this issue and when you facilitate, you provide a platform for the issue to get worse. She has to work on this herself. But you can help by making her feel special. Give her a card, surprise her with something romantic, tell her how beautiful you think she is etc etc.

The next issue is a little more complicated. Firstly it appears ridiculous that the 'barter' for you moving to another country would be that she would indulge your fetish more often. Moving country is a huge decision and a little bit more serious and life affecting than a fetish but I digress. She could well feel isolated here. Have you spoken to her about her feelings re living here? Has she made many friends? Does she do any activities in her spare time? If not, no wonder she's bored. But again, that's for her to sort out. You can encourage her to get out there a bit more but she has to take the bull by the horns here.

Maybe a chat about your future would serve you well. Where do you envisage living? What do you want? What options are viable and what aren't? Communication is vital here. It's possible and quite likely that she feels resentful living here and that you are so closeby to your family. Maybe she misses that in her own life.

So to summarise - make her feel special. Encourage her to get out there. Ease up on the fetish and remember that she is different to you and that sex is a two way street. Have an open and honest talk with her about your future. Don't give up your music tastes etc and dont facilitate her jealousy.

I hope some of this was helpful. Apologies for the ramble. Best of luck.

Kintarō Hattori

Hi Tri, thanks for the brilliant and very helpful post. I've read what you said and taken it on board. I woke her up (she does it to me frequently ) and mentioned that I'd ease off on the fetish out and about but that perhaps we could increase it a little at home. Rather sleepily she said ok............. we'll see how things are tomorrow.

I appreciate that sex is a two way thing. I have actually asked her on several occasions if she has other fantasties that she might like me to try and fulfil but no it seems she doesn't and oral was it.

Like alot of women she isn't completely happy with her appearance. She is very pretty and has a good figure (she kinda knows this) but she feels she could loose the 'tire' around the waist. This is something that bothers her. There is one other thing I know she's not happy about but I don't know to what degree. Unfortunately I can't go into detail on that.

I do try and boost her confidence and almost each and every day I tell her how fantastic she is, how lucky I am etc. To the degree that she eh.....ahem..... in the past told me it was too much and not manly! OK I'll press ahead watching the movies I want and listening to the music I want to listen too..... and see what happens.

To be honest I don't know where we'll live exactly. I'm generally an easy going sort of chap and I wouldn't mind going to Poland and trying for a life out there but I have a job that offers a certain degree of security and it'd be tough to give that up. I'm not really a risk taker.
I don't know if she'd be resentful of my family. I'm not particuarly close to them and she is well aware of this. While I do love my family I feel closer to her and my friends. She doesn't have many friends or any real hobbies and I don't know what I can do about this. She complains she doesn't have any friends yet when the opportunity arises to make some or go out with associates she usually doesn't and passes up the occasion. I've suggested many times that a hobby might be a good idea but it seems to fall on deaf ears. She jokingly/seriously? mentioned once that I was her hobby.

Wurly

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Hi Tri, thanks for the brilliant and very helpful post. I've read what you said and taken it on board. I woke her up (she does it to me frequently ) and mentioned that I'd ease off on the fetish out and about but that perhaps we could increase it a little at home. Rather sleepily she said ok............. we'll see how things are tomorrow.

I appreciate that sex is a two way thing. I have actually asked her on several occasions if she has other fantasties that she might like me to try and fulfil but no it seems she doesn't and oral was it.

Like alot of women she isn't completely happy with her appearance. She is very pretty and has a good figure (she kinda knows this) but she feels she could loose the 'tire' around the waist. This is something that bothers her. There is one other thing I know she's not happy about but I don't know to what degree. Unfortunately I can't go into detail on that.

I do try and boost her confidence and almost each and every day I tell her how fantastic she is, how lucky I am etc. To the degree that she eh.....ahem..... in the past told me it was too much and not manly! OK I'll press ahead watching the movies I want and listening to the music I want to listen too..... and see what happens.

To be honest I don't know where we'll live exactly. I'm generally an easy going sort of chap and I wouldn't mind going to Poland and trying for a life out there but I have a job that offers a certain degree of security and it'd be tough to give that up. I'm not really a risk taker.
I don't know if she'd be resentful of my family. I'm not particuarly close to them and she is well aware of this. While I do love my family I feel closer to her and my friends. She doesn't have many friends or any real hobbies and I don't know what I can do about this. She complains she doesn't have any friends yet when the opportunity arises to make some or go out with associates she usually doesn't and passes up the occasion. I've suggested many times that a hobby might be a good idea but it seems to fall on deaf ears. She jokingly/seriously? mentioned once that I was her hobby.

Hey again. Right - hmm. It does seem like you're doing a lot of stuff right here.

I understand that you wanted to say it to her right away re the fetish. But you need to have a proper talk. Maybe go to a park or something. Somewhere neutral.

It seems this relationship is very 'her' heavy. Her reluctance to get out there, her confidence issues etc.

Now as you say, not a lot you can do. All you can do is encourage. But when someone has issue after issue and does nothing about changing it, it really can become quite a pain in the t1ts.

You need to speak up. No round about conversations. Think of the things you would like to see change. Be open and receptive to what she says to you. Try not to get defensive. Listen to her. And don't walk away from the talk until you've said everything you wanted to say.

Fair play for easing up on the fetish thing. You do seem like a good boyfriend. Remember, she has to put in the graft re her issues. And you'll be there to support her when she does. Make sure she knows that.

I hope she takes responsibility for herself in this - for both your sakes. I really wish you the best of luck.

Kintarō Hattori

I just realised this morning. I think she is really unhappy at the moment and I think this is down to work/money. She had a good job but didn't like her co-worker. She was coming home in tears each day. We talked about it, worked out or finances and realised she could leave the job and we'd be OK for a year or two even if she didn't get another job.

Eight months of boredom (for her) went by where she wasn't working and earning any money. She recently just got a new job working 5 days a week but only doing 20 hours. She'll be earning less money working than she was receiving from Job Seekers benefit. Last night she was sitting on the couch working out how little money she was going to be earning, how much bus costs would be etc etc and generally moaning.

I sent her a text this morning saying that I think she's unhappy because of work/money. That the solution is for her to earn more money but how she'll achieve this I don't know. I stated that for the forseeable future she'll most likely be unhappy. I realise this may seem cold of me but money really is quite important to her. She can't see that while she's earning less she's not stressed out and crying like she used to be.

Anywhoo I got a text back saying that if she is unhappy all the time, what am I going to do? I have to think about it and let me know later.

Of course I'm going to be there for her but what can I do. Really I think it all boils down to money. Fcuking money, there are more important things in life but I don't think she realises that.

I see myself as a teenager in this person (albeit to a lesser extent) She sounds like someone who moans and whines all the time but does nothing to help herself and who doesn't realise how good she has it. Your pandering to all her whims and silly requests (which most of them are, to be honest) isn't helping. The more you do, the more she'll demand. I know it's hard to be harsh on a girlfriend you love, but it doesn't sound like the current set up is working.

It sounds like she has some serious problems with confidence and self worth - if at all possible she should go to see a professional. If it IS depression, it would be terrible for both of you to spend all this time living with something which can be fixed. I wasted most of my teens being depressed and seeing everything through a black fog - I look back and just wish someone had noticed I wasn't just being whiny and spoiled and got help for me. Depressed people often don't realise they're depressed. I thought it was just my personality but now I'm a totally different person to when I was 17. The thought of still being so negative and miserable scares me to death.

useful_contacts

Ok hun theres only one aspect of this i have the experience to comment on

I have a (wouldnt call it fetish) Thing i enjoy during sex that my partner HATES doing so i tend not to ask for it(though sometimes he does it to surprise me) but i wouldnt go as far as to threaten him if he didnt do it!

Reverse the situation (a bit) and its the same for you. This girl you love may love you but she is using your fetish to get her own way. At the start it was to make you happy but now shes using it to get what she wants

Just my opinion...

Nevyn

All relationships take work esp when life throws you a curve ball and you hit stormy weather but it should not be like being down a salt mine day in day out and there should be a base line of respect and equaity no matter what other dynamics are in place.

You can not be responsible for her happiness or for being there for her constantly
it seems she has not made the effort to get herslef a support network of friends over here knowing that she wanted to move 'home' eventually all along.

Time to take a good long hard look at how invested in the relationship you are, what you can't possibly continue doing, what you are not willing to put up with.

I would hate to think that you could move countries, end up with a house and kids and not be happy and there be a lot of strife over her using a certain aspect of what currently is part of your relationship as bait which she may then only give into grudgling or for a short ammount of time until she has gotten roughly what she wants.

I'd rahter be on my own then in the saltmines loosing all hope and happiness.

Kintarō Hattori

[quote=[Deleted User];60894157]It sounds like she has some serious problems with confidence and self worth - if at all possible she should go to see a professional. If it IS depression, it would be terrible for both of you to spend all this time living with something which can be fixed. I wasted most of my teens being depressed and seeing everything through a black fog - I look back and just wish someone had noticed I wasn't just being whiny and spoiled and got help for me. Depressed people often don't realise they're depressed. I thought it was just my personality but now I'm a totally different person to when I was 17. The thought of still being so negative and miserable scares me to death.[/QUOTE]

Depression is a real possibility as her mother does suffer from it.

useful_contacts wrote: »

Ok hun theres only one aspect of this i have the experience to comment on

I have a (wouldnt call it fetish) Thing i enjoy during sex that my partner HATES doing so i tend not to ask for it(though sometimes he does it to surprise me) but i wouldnt go as far as to threaten him if he didnt do it!

Reverse the situation (a bit) and its the same for you. This girl you love may love you but she is using your fetish to get her own way. At the start it was to make you happy but now shes using it to get what she wants

Just my opinion...

Do you feel I've threatened my girlfriend? I don't think so myself.

Thaedydal wrote: »

All relationships take work esp when life throws you a curve ball and you hit stormy weather but it should not be like being down a salt mine day in day out and there should be a base line of respect and equaity no matter what other dynamics are in place.

You can not be responsible for her happiness or for being there for her constantly
it seems she has not made the effort to get herslef a support network of friends over here knowing that she wanted to move 'home' eventually all along.

Time to take a good long hard look at how invested in the relationship you are, what you can't possibly continue doing, what you are not willing to put up with.

I would hate to think that you could move countries, end up with a house and kids and not be happy and there be a lot of strife over her using a certain aspect of what currently is part of your relationship as bait which she may then only give into grudgling or for a short ammount of time until she has gotten roughly what she wants.

I'd rahter be on my own then in the saltmines loosing all hope and happiness.

Hi Thaedydal. Generally speaking things are good, just this issue raises its head now and again. I do feel like she's not doing much. She doesn't make an effort with friends, go out much or even have any hobbies but I suspect this is just the type of person she is and I wouldn't be surprised if she was like this in Poland anyway.
She's has said she's not eager to move to Poland as she's quite settled here and she even feels more comfortable here. I just feel that she would be 'proud' to see me/be able to say I was teaching english. I don't know why she's fixated on this but she appears to be.

Don't worry. Her offer while a little tempting is not enough to make me jump ship. If we were to move to Poland it would have to be for the right reasons.

Nevyn

Kintarō Hattori I really hope she and you both as a couple can work things out.

Kintarō Hattori

Many thanks Thaedydal. I hope so too.