No social life without baby

LegacyUser

my misses wont go to wedding coming up in a few months time. its a friend of mine, she says the reason is she doesn't get on with the crowd. i'm not sure this is only reason. we have a 21 month year old baby and she has never left the baby with anyone ever (except me)

she is from another country has no family here. since the baby she wont even go to the pictures or a meal and leave baby with my mother - even though baby gets on fine with her.

its starting to get to me a bit, she is basically devoted to baby and doesn't seem to see any importance in spending time together away from baby.

she used to have excuse that i drank too much in past (true of a couple occasions) but no valid really any more because i dont get too wasted since baby arrived.

would like to hear from anyone who might have experienced similar. girls is this common situation? guys ,do you look on bright side and say well i can still go out and enjoy a few beers etc?

username123

One of my friends who had a baby a couple of years ago is behaving the same way as your wife. She also has no line of conversation except her child and never asks anyone how they are or engages in any other chat except about her child. Now we are all a bit worried about her because she seems to have become overly obsessed and it doesnt seem healthy.

I have plenty of other friends with babies and for the most part they are delighted to get out for a while without the baby, although they are all responsible and leave early to relieve the baby sitter or if the baby is sick they will cancel etc....

I think what you are describing sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest. Your wife should be able to enjoy a few hours alone with you and allow someone responsible to mind the baby. Have you talked to your wife about this and what is her reaction?

LegacyUser

OP here.

We also know some other parents who do leave baby from time to time.

I have tried to discuss with my misses. Ususal type of response is well whats wrong with bringing baby out for meal as we are family. we do go out as three about once a month for meal.

I discussed with her about since baby she has shown less interest in some hobbies she used to enjoy. granted both parents life changes after baby and mother more so, i said to her i thought it important to do somethings for herself. Her response to this angle was she wants to give the child the best start in life and first few years are most important.

I must say she does the job very well teaching the baby, but i feel she is a little obessed with the job.

She was never really the go to the pub type - thats ok , but going out for a meal for 2 hours the odd time seems resonable to me ,but not to the misses.

I couldnt say she is jellous of my family getting to know the baby when her's is far away - that would not be fair as i've no evidence of it ; but thats the feeling i got early on, i could understand this feeling to some extent if its true. having said that i make a point in not pressurising her to see my family (as requested from the misses she she's them on her own terms)

Going to the wedding alone is not a major thing i suppose, i will go and enjoy ,it does seem a bit weird though to me, i havn't been to many weddings but i cant think of any case i've seen of one partner going alone for no apparant reason.

Victor

For the child's sake that needs to change a lot in the next two years.

VaioCruiser

Hi there OP... I sympathise... a very frustrating situation. By the way this is not very unusual. I am friends with a couple, here in Dublin, right now and the mother is quite similar.

The fact that she is from another culture... implies that she is accustomed to a more family/home oriented life. That is the way she was brought up and is very hard to change. Does this reluctance to allow anyone else to care for your baby originate from there ?

Has there been any negativity toward your family ?

I would suggest that you need to devise a gentle step-by step strategy to create the level of social activity that would make things a bit better.

Start with visit to your family... Suggest you both go for a bit of a walk, while the baby stays with your family for, say, 30 minutes. Just enjoy each other's company and give her confidence and allow her to enjoy what it feels to be out without the baby. Don't push....
Then do it again... but for a slightly longer time... and work on it like this.

But I would caution about arguing about it, or she will see it all as a ruse.

be nice and supportive. Take it step-by-step and hopefully then you can get someone in the family to baby sit for ONLY a few hours.... and build up your wife's confidence AND her realisation of the value of getting out with you.

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

my misses wont go to wedding coming up in a few months time. its a friend of mine, she says the reason is she doesn't get on with the crowd. i'm not sure this is only reason. we have a 21 month year old baby and she has never left the baby with anyone ever (except me)

she is from another country has no family here. since the baby she wont even go to the pictures or a meal and leave baby with my mother - even though baby gets on fine with her.

its starting to get to me a bit, she is basically devoted to baby and doesn't seem to see any importance in spending time together away from baby.

she used to have excuse that i drank too much in past (true of a couple occasions) but no valid really any more because i dont get too wasted since baby arrived.

would like to hear from anyone who might have experienced similar. girls is this common situation? guys ,do you look on bright side and say well i can still go out and enjoy a few beers etc?

Is this her first baby? you mention her being away from her country. Let me tell you that at a time like this, when a woman has her first baby and is far away from family/mother, it's a very difficult time. Maybe she's suffering from post natal depression and has developed an unusual obsession with being with the baby 24/7 (not that that's unusual per se, but it's not very healthy for her or the child).

Re the wedding, why don't you compromise by bringing say, your mother, along too and getting her a hotel room, let her take the baby up there for the evening while you guys have a few drinks/lighten up downstairs. Your wife can run up and check on the baby whenever she wants, she'll have it with her for the whole morning, but you may also get some time alone and a few hours to enjoy yourself. If your wife doesn't compromise to something like this, then she's just making excuses, and you need to confront her about the situation head on.

LegacyUser

this is very common imo, women can when they have a child allow the child to become their life.

Your husband/partner should ALWAYS come before your children (in a relationship sense), sadly a lot of women do not do this and neglect their partner thus causing a void between the couple which is very difficult to bridge once created.

You need to really work hard at this now before it becomes a huge thing, why not book a night away in london or somewhere similar (you can use a birthday or anniversary etc as an excuse if you need to), tell her its a break for you both to spend time together as you feel lonely and a bit lost since the baby came along (which is most likely true). You can book the flights for just the two of you and only give her a few days notice and make it a big surprise, I know it sounds sneaky but it is a good way of her realising that she enjoys spending time with you in a one to one environment.

If nothing else it will force the issue into the open and talking about something like this can only help.

Good luck with it OP

SarahSassy

OP, this is very hard on you and I think a lot of men suffer with this issue. When your wife married you she assumed a certain responsibility to you and she should not be putting your baby ahead of your relationship. She should be going to the wedding with you as your wife. There are times there are things I dont want to go to and my OH doesnt want to go to with me but its part of the deal. You have to support each other.

You seem to be letting her away with a lot. Its time to make your feelings known and dont put up with any bs. She sounds a bit selfish to be honest.

Maybe you could also post this under Parenting as people there may have experience of the same. Good luck and go get your wife back.

LegacyUser

Op here

thanks for inputs so far.

the misses has had some differences with mother in law ,basic stuff about what to do ,nothing out of ordinary realy or big fall out.

her own culture would be different to irish ,but her own upbringing was very diff as both parents worked full time.

i think its possible that she has some kind of post natal syndome going on, i'm sure the fact that her mother is not close must be very difficult. it does seem to me sometimes she is taking comfort in being with the baby that possibly replaces her immediate family who live far away.

she does tend to like to be in control with how stuff is done to do with the baby. i reckon this is normal being the mother, but the odd time i try to give my inputs on somethings, i'm more or less frowned upon. she makes up her own mind at the end of the day ,i got to a stage where i mostely just put my hands up and say go ahead. one eg is she wants to put the childs bed in our room ,doesnt want it going to another room - i think this is crazy ,she thinks it is normal as families can be raised in the same room and be close to the parents. when i do confront her if its not going her way it sometimes ends up with her losing temper and screaming or crying.

the wedding is not too far from where we live and i suggested she could just go to the mass and dinner and go back home , she said its too long a day. i had previously told her before she decided i would be very disapointed if she didnt go ,which i am ,i just dont know what i can do..i know its one day and will pass ,but the bigger picture is the whole obession with the baby.

gowayouttadat

Hi OP, i'm currently expecting my first baby and was advised to read a book called Babywise. It only arrived during the week so I've only read the first three chapters but these chapters highlight the importance of not revolving your life around the baby. In fact the whole first chapter is based on continuing your relationship as it was before and getting out once a week with your partner and leaving the baby with a babysitter. Maybe getting a book like this for your missus would help?