Boyfriend doesn't want to work and tight with money

LegacyUser

Hi there. I'm almost 33 and my boyfriend of six months is going on 34. We were friends for years before we got together and we always got on well and we still do. We always have a great laugh together, we feel strongly about each other and the sex is good.

But he's been out of work since for two years now. He went back to college and did a master's in his chosen field and finished that about two years ago. He doesn't claim the dole and says he is living off investments. He spends half the week with me and the other half at home in the country with his elderly mother. I'm reasonably successful in the sector that I work in and worked part-time from the age of 16 and put myself through college. I was raised to have a very strong work ethic and if I were put out of work tomorrow, I would spend all day every day trying to get more work. But he shows no interest in finding any job.

I'm not very well paid at the moment (in fact I'm drowning in debt,!) and he doesn't contribute anything towards the meals I cook him or anything. We went out last weekend for the night and I had to pay for all the drinks. He borrowed a couple of hundred euro off me a few weeks ago and I told him early this week that I have a tenner left until I get paid in the second week of next month. He agreed to put the money in my account but over the last three days he hasn't done so and isn't answering his phone to explain why. Once again, I have to take cash out on my credit card to live on.

I stupidly told my mother about this but she's going through a bad divorce at the moment and her husband -- my stepfather -- is taking her for everything. He had the same job since he was 18 and she bought three homes that he's now getting half of, even though she studied at night for twenty years to improve her work prospects and get on in life. I'm worried I'm following in her footsteps. I've had about four long-term relationships and in all of them, all men more educated than I am, I've earned more and had to subsidise them, such as paying for them to go on holidays with me because they couldn't afford it.

I'm always told I'm good-looking, well respected in work, clever and funny. But at almost 33, when most of my friends are married, I find myself either being single as a result of breaking up with someone who's sponging off me (and I spent the last couple of years being a very lonely single) or staying with someone who I love but can obviously not provide for a family. I do want to settle down and have kids (not just with anyone!) but I don't want to repeat my mother's mistakes of basically having to pay for someone just to have a family life. I'm worried if I break up with this guy for not getting his act together, that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Does anyone have any advice? I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Thanks.

Keano

You tell him he coughs up or else you leave his close in a black bag outside the door the next time he goes home. He's a grown man acting like a teenager.

Cleopatra12

Gosh i feel for you, One thing i have learned is that people tend to gravitate to partners who are somewhat similar to the parent/person that fulfilled them the least (eg emotionally). I think its like we think that history can be re-written. i have learned this the hard way, by dating men very like my father (who is not a nice person).

Once you are aware of this, its easier to make a choice! You have to step back and see if you are following in your mothers footsteps.... Perhaps you are. I think its time for you to really assess your situation. I know its lonely being single whan all your friends are attached (mine are too). BUt would you rather settle with someone who will not fulfill you or wuld you rather be on your own? I know my choice.

Hope i dont sound preachy... not meant to be!

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. Cleopatra, I know damn well that I'm heading that I'm heading towards emulating my parents. My father left when I was small after cheating loads of times and lived in England, where he then went on to marry three more times. My mum married the only person who paid her any attention when she was 35 because all her friends and siblings were married and she has been paying the price ever since.

I really love my boyfriend. In many ways, he's like a male version of me. Apart from the money issue. But I'm fed up of going to work and leaving him asleep in my bed. He spends most of the day on (my!) Internet, going on discussion forums and YouTube etc and does a lot of the same in the middle of the night (he can't sleep). He's incredibly bright, much more educated than I am. I'm in a a position to pass on contacts who have jobs available in his industry (IT). There was one recruiter recently who was desperately looking for someone with his experience and skills and I passed on his number. But, despite asking three or four times if he had rang this guy, he just hadn't. I really want to help him but he won't let me.

Donegalfella, I agree that I need to sit him down and outline all my concerns. But I know him -- he'll just take the piss out of me! I've mentioned it a few times before in passing and felt like a nag. I'm very easy-going and I'd like to help him. I think he'd feel better about himself if he was doing something he enjoyed during the day but he won't listen.

Sephiroth_dude

You seem like a nice independant woman,you dont deserve this,sit him down and tell him either he coughs up or hes out the door.you should'nt have to put up with kinda crap.

Sephiroth_dude

oh and dont give him anymore cash.

LegacyUser

Thanks Sephiroth. I'm still wondering though whether it's right for me to break up with someone I love because he won't contribute financially.

I guess I'm a bit confused because we're all supposed to be equal now. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a woman was living off a fella and borrowing money from him it wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

Permabear

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Permabear

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Sephiroth_dude

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Sephiroth. I'm still wondering though whether it's right for me to break up with someone I love because he won't contribute financially.

I guess I'm a bit confused because we're all supposed to be equal now. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a woman was living off a fella and borrowing money from him it wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

I think you need to give this fella some tough love,how can you be equal if he does'nt pay for anything?or does'nt go halves or anything.well if she was constantly sponging off me and never payed me back Id show her the door.

LegacyUser

OP I really feel for you. I am in the same situation as you albeit a bit younger than you both. I have been with my partner for 6 years- he is so intelligent but has not done a days work in over 3 years. He is not claiming any benefits either, and spends all day(and night) messing around on the computer. At this stage I am really considering giving up on our realtionship- I love him so much- but it is such a strain and the arguements are coming more and more often. He is not happy within himself and this causes problems for both of us.

My advice is think about where this realtionship is going before you get too invovled. If are getting annoyed about it after 6 months- think about how you will feel if a couple of years after all the empty promises etc..

Good Luck with whatever you decide- It is the hardest thing to break up with someone when you still love them. I still have not been able to break away.

pog it

You mentioned you wanted to have family, etc. down the line with the right man- well.. my question for you is, would you happy to support this guy and your babies (potentially!) forever if this guy can never get himself a steady job? Is that a future you'd be happy with?

If not, there is no cure for him I'm afraid. Most men want to work.

Gyalist

Your boyfriend has a great thing going on there - you're his mother for half the week then he goes to his biological mother for the other half! Do you know his mother? I'd wager that he isn't in fact living on investments but sponging off his doting mother.

petes

You sound like a nice girl. Give this guy his marching orders. Apart from anying at that age he is acting very immature not answering his calls.

I myself would not be able to do what he is and I am sure many if not most of the male poseters agree. I need to be able to take whoever I'm seeing out and I'll spend every cent of my wages on them.


Do not take any more of this.

ManOfMystery

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Sephiroth. I'm still wondering though whether it's right for me to break up with someone I love because he won't contribute financially.

I guess I'm a bit confused because we're all supposed to be equal now. Maybe I'm wrong, but if a woman was living off a fella and borrowing money from him it wouldn't be a dealbreaker?

In some romantic novel, it wouldn't matter.

In the real world, people all have bills, rent, mortgages, etc to pay. When we can't pay them, we get stressed and this stress affects our relationships and other areas of our lives.

This guy sounds like a complete child and is taking you for a ride.

If he can't respect you financially and step up to the mark, you have every right to end it.

Gyalist

Insurgent wrote: »

I myself would not be able to do what he is and I am sure many if not most of the male poseters agree. I need to be able to take whoever I'm seeing out and I'll spend every cent of my wages on them.

Steady on. I hope you don't mean that literally as that would be taking it too far.

claiva

Hi Op,
I'm afraid you need to have "The Talk" with this guy.
Lay down your plans for the future. Tell him where you see yourself in 5 years -which may include being married to HIM with 2 kids.
Tell him you love him dearly but if he cannot get on board with your desire to get on in life, then you will HAVE to reassess the relationship.

Op, he needs a jolt.
He needs to feel that in order to keep you he must change his ways.

He needs time on his own then to consider this.
Do not give in.
Send him back down to his mammy for the week.

If he comes back promising he'll change - happy days - put a plan in place immediately.
If he continues to plead his case - dump him.

If he comes back, he will change.
If he doesn't - good riddance.

I really hope it works out for you.

ps..you sound like a really nice girl and a good catch. Do not stay with a loser just because you fear being lonely. There are still nice single guys 30+ out there !

LegacyUser

In a nutshell OP, you gotta' put up or shut up

Rb

If he wants to act like a child he can be treated like one too, go to his mother about the money you loaned him. If anything, it might embarass him enough to sort himself out.

wonderwoman

OP here. Rb, I was already thinking that I may have to ring his mother to get the money!

Claiva, it looks like I may not even get the chance to have "The Talk". He's been at home with his mum now for four days and haven't spoken to him since because he won't answer the phone. I didn't trying ringing him today because I'm fed up. I have a funny feeling that he's done a runner for good and feel really horribly sad today about it.

wonderwoman

Thanks guys for all your help. I really feel I can only talk about it here because I'm so embarrassed to discuss it in real life!

partyguinness

Kick this guys sorry ass to the kerb.

I noticed you didnt tell us that:-

"I am madly in love with him";
"I see us in the future";
"He treats me like a princess and is the most amazing guy in the world."

You told us nothing good about him. Stop wasting time with this loser and go back on the hunt for the proper man you deserve:)

wonderwoman

Ah, in fairness, I have said many of those things, especially in the first post. We get on very well and have talked about the future and told each other how we love each other. Though I have been guarded throughout because I was worried, given his work history, or lack of it, that we would have a future. I didn't want the stress of being the sole provider for him and any family we might have.

Anyway, I don't think I'll get a chance to kick him to the kerb because he won't answer the bloody phone!

username123

Op - 1 sentence for you:

You get what you settle for.

This waster is just a lazy git who i sponging off you - and youre letting him!!! I cant believe he is so well educated and not bothered doing a days work - terrible indication of laziness. And to be borrowing off you and using your internet, lazing in your bed etc.....bad news all the way. You can do better than that!!!

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Dont fall into the trap that many women do and think that this lazy tight ass is your last chance saloon so you had better stay with him. I've seen people do this and it's really sad. Too scared to face the future on their own, they put up with all sorts of shoddy treatment...

That he can leave you pretty much penniless and not answer the phone tells you all you need to know about this man. You deserve someone that respects you and cares about your welfare.

I've really been thinking about this. I really love him and last week, albeit when he was drunk, he told me I was the girl he wanted to marry. But I don't think he can change. At the same time, I think I was willing to put up with his laziness because I wanted a family with him. I spent four years alone before him, two of those getting over a long-term relationship that ended with him cheating on me and girls ringing him in the middle of the night. I don't think I could stand another four years being alone, even more so now that I no longer have any single friends and my settled ones are too busy to go out.

LegacyUser

Hey just to let you know I was in your exact position only 3 weeks ago..im 36 and I finished it because I knew deep down things would never change. What kept me in the relationship as long as I did was the fact I knew all my friends are either married getting married or have babies...and yes its so hard being alone...and i still wake up in the middle of the night thinking oh my god what have i done....but im learning to deal with it....with the added bonus that I no longer have to fund him...i no longer fume quietly to myself that i had to put my hand in my pocket yet again to pay for him as well as myself..and thats what keeps me from picking up the phone(a bill which is far less these days cos I did all the ringing..it cost to ring me!!)
Dump him...it will be hard but you deserve better ....

Sarah W

Unregistered wrote: »

I've really been thinking about this. I really love him and last week, albeit when he was drunk, he told me I was the girl he wanted to marry..... I don't think I could stand another four years being alone, even more so now that I no longer have any single friends and my settled ones are too busy to go out.

Please, please don't say this.

1. How do you know you would be alone for another 4 years?

2. What's wrong with making new friends - and perhaps finding a man who isn't going to sponge off you at the same time?

I'm nearly 45 and am very happily single while still looking for a/the right partner. And I'd rather stay single than compromise in the way you look like you are about to.

Please get out before you end up with an expensive wedding and an even more expensive divorce.

Skapoot

OP You are only in your early thirties. You have seventy odd years left in your life. Do you want to spend those seventy years with a sponger! Or can you deal with being alone for a while and leaving yourself open to finding a man who will treat you better.

You described yourself as a working woman, full of initiative and taking charge of your own life. You sound like an amazing person IMO ! This man is holding you back from being the best person you can be. Those hard earned wages have to go on supporting him. And being with him is wearing you down.


Either set boundaries for him so he clearly knows what behaviour is NOT acceptable

Or make a change and take a chance on life!

I hope for the best! And I know you'll make the right decision for you! Good luck!

LegacyUser

If you're half as intelligent and successful as you make yourself out to be, then why are you still with this loser.

He sounds exactly like the loser boyfriend my friend had. He just up and left after bumming off her for years and while she was upset, she's well shut of him.

messygirl

he takes the piss out of you when you bring up money because he knows you will stop
he talks about marriage when he is drunk but does he say it sober?
You have tried to help him find a job but he is happy playing on youtube all day?
i know you love him but you have to love yourself more, 33 is not old, and all your married friends are going to wish they were single some days.
its better than marrying him and then divorcing him at 60 because he is still on youtube and asking you to delay retirement so he can still get money off you
It may be that he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong by taking money off you and not repaying it but he is, its your life your money and he isnt respecting you. do you know where his mum lives? can you confront him? have his stuf ready in the boot and drop it at his feet, saying if you dont care enough about me to answer my calls then you dont care about me at all. that should get a reaction. Dont stay with him because you are afraid of being alone, you will end up missing out on a great guy, who deserves you and wont take you to the cleaners. and are you sure he isnt on the dole and just hiding it from you so he can say he doesnt have any cash?!

Best of luck!

Tallulahbelle

Unregistered wrote: »

If you're half as intelligent and successful as you make yourself out to be, then why are you still with this loser.

He sounds exactly like the loser boyfriend my friend had. He just up and left after bumming off her for years and while she was upset, she's well shut of him.

mmmmh I know a girl who's boyfriend also up and left her with no goodbye. He sponged off her for years. (She is also well shut let me tell you!)

!EUREKA! Did he leave her and move in with you?!

squonk

It sounds like he needs a good kick up the hole. Really the fact that he can hang out at your place every day where he has access to the net should be a godsend to someone in his position. It makes it so easy to look for jobs, it also makes it easy to keep up to date with thatever area of IT he works in. You'll never get the same sort of experience as actually working in the area in a work setting but if he's a developer for instance he could work on an open source project which would help him in the long run and keep his skills up to date.

Hanging round message boards and YouTube is just being a lazy ass.

I wouldn't lend him any more money and if he's not back to you soon I'd ring his mam and shame him into getting that money back to you. He has no excuse. Yes, there's a downturn but IT isn't suffering unduly yet. The downturn there back in the early noughties pre empted what's going on now and the surviving companies have much smaller staffs and are more lean, so there are jobs to be got. He might have a problem witha demonstatable amont of experience but that should be having him worried and not skiving away every day.

Frankly he's a tool and personally speaking I'd be mortified having to glom money off my girlfriend if I was in a similar situation. That'd be enough of a kick in the arse to get me job hunting in the first place, but then seeing her stuck because I wasn't paying her back would certainly be. He also doesn't have to work in IT straight away. A job in a shop would do for starters.

OP he's in the absolute minority. Dump him and someone far better is bound to come along. You sound very down to earth, kind, generous and nice. Most guys would be thrilled to have an OH like you, so next this wanker for your own peace of mind.