Constant paranoia

LegacyUser · 25-06-2009 1:45pm #1

This is what I have with my boyfriend. I used to be a really easygoing and relaxed girlfriend but my ex's behaviour changed that. I thought once we broke up (he finally admitted to cheating on me) my paranoia would ease but instead its started to creep into this relationship. It's especially hard cos he's living abroad for a while so most of the time i have no idea what he's up to. Just saw a picture on FB with a female friend sitting on his knee and his hand sort of resting on her hip - I know its probably nothing but the pose struck me as a bit inappropriate (none of my male friends would ever put their arm around me like that) and now I'm all paranoid again. It's so hard feeling like this that im thinking of ending things.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2009 1:58pm

Dont dispair about this. It must be hard being so far away from him.......pictures can be mis interpreted. You cant let past experiences influance new experiences......try to not think the worst. Theres one thing you can do is to ask him about it.......it'l put your mind at ease! you could be worryin yourself over nothing!

LegacyUser · 25-06-2009 2:02pm

How long have you been together?

I think most people hand on heart wouldn't be too happy with their partners across the globe, we would all have that nagging what if in the back of our head.

Facebook is the spawn of the devil - it is so detrimental to relationships. However saying that, if anything was going on, he wouldn't have put in on facebook knowing full well you could go on there and see it. Maybe he sees it as harmless friendly fun but if you aren't comfortable with it then that is fine, we all have boundaries. You just need to talk with him.

If things don't improve then maybe calling it off would be best until you feel ready to meet someone else. Maybe you need time to yourself to repair what has happened to you.

x

puglover · 25-06-2009 2:10pm

Ah the rise of Social Networking..... is it a good thing or a curse. If you are any slight bit insecure (which I think it's only natural for ALL of us to be at times) it gives you so much fodder for analysing (over-analysing??).

TBH the pose as you've described it would probably bother me too. I know I often sit on my boyfriends knee like that and it is quite an intimate position. Then again, it could have been totally innocent & she could have just jumped in there for 30 seconds for the photo.

Either way the fact that you are feeling insecure & paranoid is what the real issue is. You have to find a way to overcome that because it will eat you up and it is not good for any relationship.

If you are comfortable enough try to talk to your boyfriend, remember there probably will be nothing he can do, but at least he might understand. Really though you need to learn to accept that you'll never be able to know what your other half is doing all the time, and trust that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you. And if if he did, while it'll hurt for a bit, you'll get over it.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2009 2:23pm

He didn't put it on, he was tagged. As far as I can tell the girl's boyfriend was there so I doubt it was anything suspicious, but it still bothers me. I don't think he has a great concept of physical boundaries. I agree about FB being a curse!

I_am_Jebus · 25-06-2009 4:42pm

I think you are reading waaay too much into it to be honest and you are not doing yourself any favours.

You should forget about past experiences. I know it can be tough, what with once bitten twice shy and all that but I believe in the following:

1. If you were cheated on, deal with the pain, get over it (in time) and then move on. In future releationships - treat them as new and different experiences, let the past help you judge situations but don't let it affect how you live.

Judge everything based on YOUR CURRENT OH and the STATUS of YOUR CURRENT relationship.

If the girl's bf was there in the picture then I highly doubt there is any underlying issue.

People really read way too much into the simplest of things. Thats not criticism as such but you need to let these kind of things go because you are only harming yourself and your future.

This · 25-06-2009 6:05pm

the OHs ex really fcuked him over and as a result he finds it hard to show his feelings etc while he trusts me i get asked over and over again where im going who im with untill he is totally satisfied... i feel under hugh pressure to 'prove' how i feel sometimes... like he doznt ask me to, i just like to reasure him and make him feel as comfortable as possible

as everyone said its about the here and now... just concentrate on your current relationship and let the past lie

SarahSassy · 25-06-2009 6:45pm

This wrote: »

the OHs ex really fcuked him over and as a result he finds it hard to show his feelings etc while he trusts me i get asked over and over again where im going who im with untill he is totally satisfied...

IMHO you should not be going into a new relationship until you are over these issues. MY OH's ex cheated on him and he took time out, sorted his head out and we subsequently met and started a relationship. He has trusted me from day one and has never questioned me to this level...

Its no fair to drag your baggage into a new relationship and some people have no idea of how hard it can be for the innocent party.

This · 25-06-2009 6:53pm

its not thats hes not over it i dont think, i think its the once bitten twice shy thing
like once you have been hurt once your never gonna ever fully let yourslef go, you are gonna have some boundrys up imho

i think its more he asks so he knows in his head excatly what is goin on.... and the fact im totally honest with him, sometimes brutally helps.

at the end of the day i think people who have been hurt sometimes need other people to show them the good in people and that everyone isnt out to fcuk them over.

SarahSassy · 25-06-2009 6:56pm

This wrote: »

while he trusts me i get asked over and over again where im going who im with untill he is totally satisfied... i feel under hugh pressure to 'prove' how i feel sometimes...

BUt you should not have to answer over and over again where you are going and with whom until he is satisfied... Also you should not have to prove how you feel sometimes.... This means he is not over the baggage, I dont mean the person.

Sounds a lot like hard work...

This · 25-06-2009 7:31pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

Sounds a lot like hard work...

show me a relationship that has been as easy as pie and i might tend to agree!!!

its not hard for me to show my feelings or to tell him what im doing or who im with. its not hard for me understand that everyone needs reassurance from time to time. and note i never said i tell him over and over again... i said he asks.
and note i said he never asks me to prove anything.

Constant paranoia

Comments