Think I deserve better even though I love him.

LegacyUser

Need some advice on this one, my head has been going ninety over this. Only for the last few weeks I suppose although it was on my mind before that. Me (29) and my boyfriend (27) have been going out for 4 and a half years now. I do love him but the situation I'm in at the moment is making me doubt if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are both still living at home and don't really seemed to have moved on since we first started going out so this is making me think we are going nowhere fast. He is in his third year of apprenticeship and not on brilliant wages but they are getting better. He doesn't really do anything special for me or spend a penny on me, I would like him to show me somehow occasionally that he cares about me. I mean, he says it but actions speak louder than words imo. And he is a really nice lad, I should say that. He's a great laugh and he's in no way an asshole. Anyway that's only a small thing that has been annoying me. The bigger thing is that I'm just dying to move out and get a house, they're obviously cheaper at the moment and it's a good time to buy. i don't know how serious he thinks I am about this and maybe that's the problem. But he doesn't seem to have any interest in anything only horse racing, not even backing horses but constantly watching it, checking results any second he can, talking to his friend about it. It seems to me he's obsessed, not like he has a problem with backing or anything but constantly it's all that's on his mind. The other night I brought him down to a house that was for sale that I have fallen in love with and was really thinking of checking it out. He seemed a bit interested in it but then when we got back to my house he never mentioned it again for the night. In fact I think he was on the phone twice talking about horse racing instead. He just doesn't seem to have any drive in him, and I'm in no way a money grabber but I do want to live a comfortable lifestyle like most people do and I'm just afraid at the moment that I will struggle if we ended up getting married. At first I really wanted him to get his act together so we could buy a house together but all this is turning me off getting a mortgage with him. If I could I would get a mortgage on my own but I'm not sure I could borrow enough.

Is it just me or is this the way all relationships go? Sorry for the very long story.

Oh The Humanity

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

It seems you both want different things.

You cant make him want what you want.

but I do want to live a comfortable lifestyle like most people do

Some people dont want any extra responsibility and just want to tread water. Thats fine thats their choice but its not compatible with what you want.

I also bought a house with someone in the past who was (secretly) reluctant, but I was too young and inexperienced to see that as warning flags. It was a mistake and proved a b1tch to get out of in the end, but thankfully I did and got my own place.

So it looks like you will have to drag and push him and in the long run thats just a pain in the ass.

LegacyUser

i know how you feel in the same boat but going to try get the courage up to have a serious talk at the weekend. but i do agree try renting for a while first. I think we need to know that they are serious about making a committment too. it's not a plesant situation to be in but hang in there........we have to remember we think about things in the future boys dont really think until it's spelt out for them! wish you the best of luck hope it works out x x

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I truly believe you should live with someone before you even contemplate buying... at least that is from my own personal experience.

I'd strongly agree with this. If either of you have any doubts then landing yourselves with a big mortgage is not a good idea.

Why not suggest renting for 6-12 months as a compromise? That way you'll get a much better idea of how compatible you are. How we handles paying rent and bills might give you an idea of how responsible he'll be in future. And there is far less risk involved. If it doesn't work out you can both just move home. If he still wont agree then there's not much more you can do.

LegacyUser

I am in almost exactly the same position except my o/h lives at home a bit outside the city. I was hoping he would get his act together and sort himself out i.e. move out of home, get a job (kinda basic things) but he still hasn't done it after 2 years, he has even stopped talking about it now though he was full of plans at the start!!

interested to hear what advice is given & sorry - didn't mean to hijack your thread!!

Astrogeek

Unregistered wrote: »

I am in almost exactly the same position except my o/h lives at home a bit outside the city. I was hoping he would get his act together and sort himself out i.e. move out of home, get a job (kinda basic things) but he still hasn't done it after 2 years, he has even stopped talking about it now though he was full of plans at the start!!

interested to hear what advice is given & sorry - didn't mean to hijack your thread!!

Give him a kick up the backside. You are thinking of moving in with this guy when he doesn't have a job? Simply, don't! You will just replace his mother in his mind-frame, you'll start to resent the amount of money you will end up spending and end up hating him.
Two years and no job? I'm sorry to tell you but this guy is a waster. He's been like this for two years he is not going to change.
Don't count on a future with him.

Sorry if I sound harsh but his plans for getting a job were never real. They were for you to feel sorry for him and feel guilty for nagging because he's "trying"

annon123

Hi. I can only just imagine what you're feelin right now. I myself have just recently taken the plunge to leave my boyfriend for similar reasons to yours. I'm not saying that's the way to go.like yours he is sweet and kind but has no get up and go. For a relationship to work you need your heart obviously to love him but also your head needs to be the same as your heart. If both aren't agreeing then something is wrong. If you want stability you need someone that will share the burden. I'm sure you've enough with your own life to be dealing wit without carrying his baggage too. Sit down and just draw the pro's and con's of both your heart and head.listen to which ever is shouting louder. Best of luck!

rainbowtrout

Unregistered wrote: »

The other night I brought him down to a house that was for sale that I have fallen in love with and was really thinking of checking it out. He seemed a bit interested in it but then when we got back to my house he never mentioned it again for the night. In fact I think he was on the phone twice talking about horse racing instead. He just doesn't seem to have any drive in him, and I'm in no way a money grabber but I do want to live a comfortable lifestyle like most people do and I'm just afraid at the moment that I will struggle if we ended up getting married. At first I really wanted him to get his act together so we could buy a house together but all this is turning me off getting a mortgage with him. If I could I would get a mortgage on my own but I'm not sure I could borrow enough.

You mention quite a few big things here, marriage, mortgage, house. But all of these things seem to be your plans. You want the house, you want to get a mortgage and possibly down the road, you want to get married. You don't say anywhere if you have discussed any of these plans with him. And you don't say if he wants any of these things.

'All this is turning me off getting a mortgage with him' - Has he even suggested that he wants to get a mortgage with you?

By the sounds of it he doesn't. Maybe it's time to sit him down and have a chat with him and ask him what he wants. You may however not get the answer you want.

AlanSparrowhawk

I sympathise with the lad because he's still serving his apprenticeship. He's probably on crap money and maybe just one of those people who isn't really good at planning ahead, he's probably got tunnel vision. Maybe in 2/3 years when he's earning a proper wage and in career mode he'll be more compatible with you.

An analogy for me was when I was in college I was going out with a girl who was working etc. etc., I couldn't even contemplate anything long term/serious commitment wise (marriage, houses, mortgages) until I was finished and got something secure.

In fairness I think he's also doing the right thing, I think a lad still doing his apprenticeship would be mad to put money down on a house. He may have no full time job for a while.

I also sympathise with you because I can understand how frustrating you find this.

Having said all that, I think you should/could try and rent something together. If you can survive financially and emotionally 6 months cohabitation maybe it is the real deal.

Dropping him because he has low prospects would be a callous thing to do.