Living together??? Yes or No

LegacyUser

my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs who i love wants us 2 live together. i agreed 2 it however im unsure about the whole thing now. he is really pushing this on me and if i dont do it i fear our relationship will end. it has been the cause a few aruguments lately as i have been stalling. i dont want 2 lose him but will moving in together when im not ready be the end of us or could it be perfect. i could really do with advice and maybe some peoples views of this. What should i do?????

Kimia

Why do you think that moving in together will mean the end? Did you have a bad experience before?

Tell him that you're not ready. Simple as. He should accept that. Don't just move in because he wants you to because that sure as hell won't work.

hobochris

I moved out of my parents house and got an apartment with my gf of 2 years, it was the best thing we ever did. Best thing to do is talk to him, let him know your nervous about it.

But the freedom it gives you is amazing.

SarahSassy

I would suggest that you firstly figure out where you want this relationshp to go. Is it leading to marriage and kids and if so when do you want these things. Talk it over with your OH, make sure you are on the same page and if you are happy then move in. Its lovely to be living with someone but make sure you have the same future in mind first.

VaioCruiser

OP... if you are not ready then you are NOT ready. In my opinion. And I would suggest that you need to tell him this straight out and tell him that pressuring you will only be counter productive.

Personally I feel living together is a major step as part of a commitment to marriage or a life time commitment.

All the best.

LegacyUser

op here ok maybe i should give ye a better insight into it. two months ago we were going out 2 yrs. we spoke about living together and i was all 4 it as realistically i thought it mite be a year or so down the line. then he starts showing me places and arranging viewings. i start stalling then we have a fight and break up 4 a week im totally miserable and i tell him im ready for it we get back together but dont look at places straight away as im in a lease at the moment which is nearly up i explained this to him. i dont want to lose my deposit.. he understood. i like the freedom i have at the moment in my place. we do things together every week end and go places. things were good and after we got back together things were great. all my friends knew we had broken up and so did my family as i was so upset.

well this morning i told him about my reservations again and said even if id 6 months to get used to it could make the world of difference. we had a huge fight he accused me on stringing him on and making a fool out of him for getting back together. now it seems we have broken up again. well he told me not 2 contact him again. like i tell him every day i love him ive told him i dont want 2 be with anyone else i.ve told him i want 2 marry him at some stage he wants the same. this is the only obstacle... im sure its s*it or burst for us now at this stage if i dont agree to move in. i just think he is throwing away a very happy and loving relationship for this. i cant understand why he cant see i love him but i simply have reservations. if i do move in with him will i end up resenting him. im actually shattered mentally from this whole experience

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

op here ok maybe i should give ye a better insight into it. two months ago we were going out 2 yrs. we spoke about living together and i was all 4 it as realistically i thought it mite be a year or so down the line. then he starts showing me places and arranging viewings. i start stalling then we have a fight and break up 4 a week im totally miserable and i tell him im ready for it we get back together but dont look at places straight away as im in a lease at the moment which is nearly up i explained this to him. i dont want to lose my deposit.. he understood. i like the freedom i have at the moment in my place. we do things together every week end and go places. things were good and after we got back together things were great. all my friends knew we had broken up and so did my family as i was so upset.

well this morning i told him about my reservations again and said even if id 6 months to get used to it could make the world of difference. we had a huge fight he accused me on stringing him on and making a fool out of him for getting back together. now it seems we have broken up again. well he told me not 2 contact him again. like i tell him every day i love him ive told him i dont want 2 be with anyone else i.ve told him i want 2 marry him at some stage he wants the same. this is the only obstacle... im sure its s*it or burst for us now at this stage if i dont agree to move in. i just think he is throwing away a very happy and loving relationship for this. i cant understand why he cant see i love him but i simply have reservations. if i do move in with him will i end up resenting him. im actually shattered mentally from this whole experience

A very real illustration of why Love is sometimes just not enough. He wants you on HIS terms. That is not a good start to anyone's life long relationship., or any relationship for that matter.
I would suggest you take a step back and consider what it is he is demanding .... that you accept his view of things, and that your view does not count. Camouflaging it as "testing" how much you love him is a complete red herring and a diversion.
Let him cool down, but stick with your position. Independence is a very valuable and enjoyable thing - and I suspect that you are aware that he is showing all the signs of being controlling - and that if you move in with him.... it will only get worse.

All the best.

LegacyUser

When you mention the lease i assume that you're renting? Is there any chance he could move in with you for a while, just to try it out?

That way you don't have to give up everything you've built up, and the move is on your own terms.

I found moving away from housemates and shared accommodation and my own room into a house for two very lonely when he wasnt around, and very crowded when i wanted my own space.

Be sure you're ready for it before you decide.

Best of luck!

Chocoholic84

I would actually question the strength of your feelings for him.

If you really love someone, you should want to be with them most of the time! I was with my b/f 2 MONTHS when we denied to live together! Still together 5 yrs on!

tbh, I wouldn't blame him for being off with you - 2 years is actually a long time, and moving in at that stage would be a natural progression I would have thought?

You're not ready to move in with him, simple as. And you weren't ready to move in with him when you agreed to it in the first place (and the subsequent times) but for some reason you seem to think you'll lose him if you don't.

Tell him straight what you want, stop with the pussy-footing around and see how he reacts to this approach. If you're honest with him and if he loves you, he'll wait until you're ready but right now he probably feels like you're messing him around with all the mixed messages.

MissFlitworth

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

I would actually question the strength of your feelings for him.

If you really love someone, you should want to be with them most of the time! I was with my b/f 2 MONTHS when we denied to live together! Still together 5 yrs on!

tbh, I wouldn't blame him for being off with you - 2 years is actually a long time, and moving in at that stage would be a natural progression I would have thought?

That's completely unfair. You can love someone and not be ready to live with them.

OP, don't let your boyfriend push you into something you aren't ready for. I've seen friends in the past move in together when they weren't ready for it and it can completely scew up a relationship. (Ditto people moving in together really soon after getting together and having it work out fabulously- different strokes etc.) Maybe have a think about why you aren't ready to move in with him, what it is about it freaks you out, and then you can have a better understanding of when/if you'll be ready to make that sort of a commitment

Terodil

Agree with the preposters; you need to stop flopping about and tell him what you want or don't want.

That said, I wouldn't be too surprised if your rejection to move in together with him after TWO FULL YEARS didn't go down well with him. If it was a case of moving across country borders, changing jobs, leaving friends and family behind etc. etc. then I doubt anybody would fail to understand some hesitancy. But if none of these apply, anybody (incl. your bf) would wonder why you felt so hesitant about it. And the only reason they could think of would be that you did not love him or trust him in general or trust him to respect your personal space/freedom in particular, nothing else.

LauraLoo

i agree with vaiocruiser on this one...

he seems overly eager to move in- try and find out why he feels the need to rush it. If he was looking in the long term, realistically, waiting a year is nothing compared to the expected 30-40 years he's planning. It could be a case that hes displayingg controlling behavior (which you will never change and should get out now) or a case that he's feeling insecure about your future together and thinks that you need to take the next step- maybe all he needs is some reassurance. Being straight to the point will give him reassurance, rather than pussyfooting around.

Also- trust your gut. if you're having any feelings of "NO" inside then trust that

VaioCruiser

Terodil wrote: »

Agree with the preposters; you need to stop flopping about and tell him what you want or don't want.

That said, I wouldn't be too surprised if your rejection to move in together with him after TWO FULL YEARS didn't go down well with him. If it was a case of moving across country borders, changing jobs, leaving friends and family behind etc. etc. then I doubt anybody would fail to understand some hesitancy. But if none of these apply, anybody (incl. your bf) would wonder why you felt so hesitant about it. And the only reason they could think of would be that you did not love him or trust him in general or trust him to respect your personal space/freedom in particular, nothing else.

I find that a bizarre rationalisation. Two year's dating = living together? since when ? It's one thing to love someone, it is an entirely different thing wanting to live together.

Terodil

Bizarre? hm, maybe there are just different types of people at work here

I used to believe that moving together was entirely optional, and not related to love at all, but experience has shown me otherwise. After a certain while you'll just DIE to be together at all times. Other people may tick differently, and that's perfectly ok. But if the bf is feeling somewhat like me at all he'll have difficulty understanding that, maybe. Dunno. Just pointing out that it's not necessarily a thing of forcing his life concept on her, it may just be that living together is natural progression from 'dating for 2+ years'.

Chocoholic84

MissFlitworth wrote: »

That's completely unfair. You can love someone and not be ready to live with them.

Well I'm only speaking from my own experience, but at the early stages of our relationship, I mised my OH loads when we weren't together - he was staying at mine most nights or vice versa anyway, so it made sense for us to live together.

OP - I don't see the big deal in moving in together if you're together 2 years and you love each other? It's not like you're gonna buy a house - rent a nice lil apartment, and see how it goes. Worst that can happen is you'll hate it, he'll have loads of grubby little habits, you know what they say "If you want to know me, come live with me" - and if you do hate it, you can stop wasting any more time with him...

Best scenario is you'll absolutely love living with him, and realise it was the best thing you ever did!

It's a win/win?!

Taltos

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

It's a win/win?!

Unless by his childish behaviour - move in with me or get lost... - he is showing his true hand here?
If he behaves like this when he does not get his own way over moving in - what will he be like when you ask him to leave the toilet seat down.

Not trying to be funny here - but I am always worried at these ultimatum type people.
Maybe sit down and try to figure out why you really really do not want to move in - it is not a sin (gawd) - and see if you can chat about this. I think your target of 6mts is a really good and realistic one - if you have not been thinking about moving in then you might indeed need time to adjust.
He had clearly been thinking about it - so was in a better position mentally to actually move in - you though need time - he should respect that.
In fact - he should respect you...

Chocoholic84

Taltos wrote: »

Unless by his childish behaviour - move in with me or get lost... - he is showing his true hand here?

Not trying to be funny here - but I am always worried at these ultimatum type people.

Where does the OP say he delivered her an ultimatum? All she said is she FEARS her relationship will end if she doesn't do it.

Fair enough if she doesn't feel ready, and it is unfair IF he has delivered an ultimatum - but my question is, WHY does she feel unready?

Kimia

Chocoholic he basically did give her an ultimatum. Read her last post - when she said that she loves him, wants to marry him, but isn't ready to move in yet, he said Don't contact me again. WTF!!

He sounds like an A&&. Why doesn't he just chill out! He does sound controlling like other posters have said. Reverse the situation - if a girl kept on at her boyfriend about how they HAD to live together or they would break up people would be calling her a Stage 5 clinger.

He should not be forcing his views on you and its a REALLY bad sign that he's trying to force you to move in with his manipulation and breaking up with you when you don't do what he wants.

What if he didn't want to move in with you OP and you did. Do you think that you could force him? Sounds like he's a man who likes to be in charge.

And for all of you people saying that after 2 years they Should be living with each other - that's complete crap and by no means a judgement on how much they love each other. You can love each other just fine without jumping into moving into together - in fact it's better if both of you are independant!

Chocoholic84

Kimia wrote: »

Chocoholic he basically did give her an ultimatum. Read her last post - when she said that she loves him, wants to marry him, but isn't ready to move in yet, he said Don't contact me again. WTF!!

Oops, didn't see that, only read her first post

OK, he might have reacted badly, but I think this is only a sign of his frustration that's she's unwilling to commit...I have a feeling that if this was a guy on here complaining that his g/f wants to live with him and he didn't, he'd be accused of having "committment issues"! Which is exactly what the OP seems to have.

Look OP, if you don't want to move in with him, you need to deal with the fact that he will resent you over this and think that you don't love him enough.

You can live with someone and still have your independence you know!

VaioCruiser

Taltos wrote: »

Unless by his childish behaviour - move in with me or get lost... - he is showing his true hand here?
If he behaves like this when he does not get his own way over moving in - what will he be like when you ask him to leave the toilet seat down.

Not trying to be funny here - but I am always worried at these ultimatum type people.
Maybe sit down and try to figure out why you really really do not want to move in - it is not a sin (gawd) - and see if you can chat about this. I think your target of 6mts is a really good and realistic one - if you have not been thinking about moving in then you might indeed need time to adjust.
He had clearly been thinking about it - so was in a better position mentally to actually move in - you though need time - he should respect that.
In fact - he should respect you...

Absolutely correct.

This is about asserting his needs over hers and about control, an issue that raises it's head again and again and again. It is sad that so many young people grow up with this notion that love gives them a right to control their partner. It is at the core of so much trouble and unhappiness.

She enjoys her independence and she should keep it until she feels that she needs him more than she enjoys her independence. Many people have dated seriously for 2,3,4 or 5 years before marrying and have had happy marriages. It is a nonsense to equate 2 years of dating with any kind of automatic living together or a test of what real love is.

Someone said above that she can be independent if they live together. I seriously doubt it. if we read over many if not most of the posts in this forum we see how partners resent their mate's independent thinking and actions. Too many of them resent them talking, flirting, drinking or eating with other people. This bf is already trying to assert his needs over hers. If she enjoys the freedom to live life as a modern independent woman then she needs to stay where she is. If he cannot accept this - then she needs to find a man who has the confidence, maturity and trust in her to allow that.

Terodil

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Someone said above that she can be independent if they live together. I seriously doubt it. if we read over many if not most of the posts in this forum we see how partners resent their mate's independent thinking and actions.

Yes, this forum is called 'personal issues'. So you will naturally see only posts where people have problems with each other. That means that it is nowhere representative and a seriously skewed sample. You are missing all the cases where people live together happily without cheating or controlling etc. etc. Drawing conclusions from such a selective set and trying to generalise to some kind of 'general rule of couple behaviour' is doomed to immediate failure.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

If she enjoys the freedom to live life as a modern independent woman then she needs to stay where she is. If he cannot accept this - then she needs to find a man who has the confidence, maturity and trust in her to allow that.

All agreed until the last bit. If he wants her to commit and she cannot do it, or at least provide a perspective, then they're both better off alone to find partners they both click better with. As to the last part: You're ruining a good point by confusing a desire for commitment with a lack of confidence, maturity and trust.

LegacyUser

firstly thanks to everyone for reading the post and i appreciate the response i've goten from everyone thanks for taking the time.

ok so yesterday morning i told him my reservations and as i said earlier i got a "dont contact me again" response.

so bar an odd insulting text maybe about 3 or 4 between last night and today we havent spoken. i get what everyone is saying about two yrs its time to move in together but i dont have the same take on it. both me and my OH are in our late twenties the way i look at it is in the greater picture of this whats wrong with enjoying our freedom while we are young but also enjoying each other too. i dont want to have any regrets in years to come. all i want is 6 months living on my own with the idea of getting used to the idea. the way he is pressuring me into it is actually starting to turn me off him now at this stage i dont like fighting and now we are on our second fight in as many months over the same thing. the point im making is whats the big deal with waiting 6 months if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together..we do spend see each other nearly 5 days a week as it is. now im finished work for the week end and last week we planned to head home to my parents house for the wk end now i had told them he was coming now ive to make up a f@@ki@ excuse to them as to why he is not with me.. im so annoyed. the last time we broke up he was meant to be coming home with me 2 but he didn't and broke up with me instead on the phone while i was in my parents house waiting for him 2 come down (he was meant 2 follow me down on the saturday after he finished work). all my friends were expecting him that wk end 2 and id to tell them. im just so sad now another wk end we wer meant 2 be together and instead a fight... ohhhhhhhhh maybe i should just walk away i do love him very much but i dont know if love is enough for him now at this stage or me. its a terrible pity cause up to lately i was sure id found the one now im not so certain..

LegacyUser

I have been in this situation...I also agreed to succumb to pressure at some point and even viewed houses together, but finally I found the strength to be honest and say that I just was not ready! he claimed he'd split up with me if I didnt show that commitment, but of course if it is really love - he will be willing to wait until you feel comfortable and then you BOTH make a joint and happy decision TOGETHER. Try explaining your fears to him in that way - that you want moving in together to be something you remember as a happy celebration and not look back on it and think that you were pressured into it. Whatever happens - I recommend strongly that you tell him your fears, otherwise he cannot be expected to understand that its not because you dont love him, but only because you need more time before taking big life decisions (and for some people moving in together may not be as big a deal as it is for others). good luck to you - be honest and it will work out

Sephiroth_dude

Unregistered wrote: »

he is really pushing this on me and if i dont do it i fear our relationship will end.

Honestly dont move in with him if your not ready to,Dont let him push you into somthing you dont want to do and if he goes off in a big huff then let him off.

VaioCruiser

Terodil wrote: »

Yes, this forum is called 'personal issues'. So you will naturally see only posts where people have problems with each other. That means that it is nowhere representative and a seriously skewed sample. You are missing all the cases where people live together happily without cheating or controlling etc. etc. Drawing conclusions from such a selective set and trying to generalise to some kind of 'general rule of couple behaviour' is doomed to immediate failure.

I don't accept your somewhat patronising points. I simply made an observation.."many if not most of the posts in this forum we see how partners resent their mate's independent thinking and actions". Which is true. it is you who are drawing too many conclusions.

All agreed until the last bit. If he wants her to commit and she cannot do it, or at least provide a perspective, then they're both better off alone to find partners they both click better with.

That is a lazy and wasteful point of view. In a relationship it is not uncommon for each party to experience it at a different pace. In this case she is not moving at the same speed as he is. That is not necessarily a reason to trash the whole relationship. Life is just too short. She needs to look after her own needs and stand by her independence and work with him to see if he can learn to cope with that. he may well have a rethink and realise he has something special here, and not be so pushy.

As to the last part: You're ruining a good point by confusing a desire for commitment with a lack of confidence, maturity and trust.

He is not just looking for commitment. He is demanding it, insisting on it. This shows lack of maturity, confidence and trust.