I can't make up my mind about boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Am 27 yr old female, been with my 25 yr old fella for over a year. He is great in many ways, we get on brilliantly, are always laughing, great sex, and when I am with him, he appears to be mad about me.

But.... (why is there always a but?)

He is a terrible flirt. He constantly comments on other women, and really enjoys meeting new people (men and women) but especially pretty women, who he will just start a conversation with, regardless if I am there or not. He often comes home with girls numbers, mainly for work he says (he is a builder) on nights out without me. He is very open about this along the lines of 'got chattin this one last night, turns out she getting a garage built I got her number'

Also he cant bear to be pulled up on anything, like this evening, I called to his house as arranged, he kissed me hello and then said he was going to the shop (2 mins away) he went off and never came back for almost an hour, he was gone for a spin in his car. By which time I had started to feel like an eejit so I left! When he rang to see where I was and I said I left he said I was being stupid and making a big deal out of things I should have just waited for him.

Is this just the miscommunication of the sexes, or is this guy a bit of an asshole or just immature?

LegacyUser

my gf is 3 yrs older than me similiar situation as urself. i am all of the above however i dont hav new girls numbers n my phone.... i dont really go out on my own without her not that ive ever cheated but whats the point, id prefer 2 get dunk with my mates and gf and at least hav a laugh with every1.... i wud talk 2 people id meet out n front of her as im a chatty person anyway maybe even flirt but harmless and wouldnt do it in front of gf cause really its rude...... basically alot of what ur saying its harmless however the leaving u 4 an hour is unacceptable and the numbers in the phone is 2. my personal opinion ditch him dont waste the best yrs of ur life waiting 4 a boy 2 turn into a man and treat u rite. im 25 my gf is 28 im immature in certain ways ya but when it comes 2 her i always put her first u deserve the same. best of luck

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey guys,

Am 27 yr old female, been with my 25 yr old fella for over a year. He is great in many ways, we get on brilliantly, are always laughing, great sex, and when I am with him, he appears to be mad about me.

But.... (why is there always a but?)

He is a terrible flirt. He constantly comments on other women, and really enjoys meeting new people (men and women) but especially pretty women, who he will just start a conversation with, regardless if I am there or not. He often comes home with girls numbers, mainly for work he says (he is a builder) on nights out without me. He is very open about this along the lines of 'got chattin this one last night, turns out she getting a garage built I got her number'

Also he cant bear to be pulled up on anything, like this evening, I called to his house as arranged, he kissed me hello and then said he was going to the shop (2 mins away) he went off and never came back for almost an hour, he was gone for a spin in his car. By which time I had started to feel like an eejit so I left! When he rang to see where I was and I said I left he said I was being stupid and making a big deal out of things I should have just waited for him.

Is this just the miscommunication of the sexes, or is this guy a bit of an asshole or just immature?

Personally I think the whole flirt is nothing to be upset about. I can relate to him. He seems a great outgoing guy who likes people and loves to flirt. Nothing wrong with that.

It's the second part, his lack of consideration is definitely a worry, and something I suggest you need to look at very carefully. I think he needs to be confronted about it and not to let off the hook. What's up with him you should ask ? In my book inconsiderateness is something I find very objectionable in a partner. It is a big red flag for me about the future of any serious relationship.

All the best !

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

He is a terrible flirt. He constantly comments on other women, and really enjoys meeting new people (men and women) but especially pretty women, who he will just start a conversation with, regardless if I am there or not. He often comes home with girls numbers, mainly for work he says (he is a builder) on nights out without me. He is very open about this along the lines of 'got chattin this one last night, turns out she getting a garage built I got her number'

I have mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, he may just be an excellent networker, esp. with a view to where his next jobs may come from. Being known and knowing people is essential if you have nobody to hand the jobs to you -- and building is a competitive business, if you understand me. It might even be slightly romantic as long as it's clear that it's never going to go beyond that point -- if you have been there when he did it, did he ever give you any feeling that it was more than harmless banter? If not, I wouldn't worry (and his being so open about it and telling you is a good sign IMO). If yes, talk with him about it and tell him it makes you uncomfy. On the other hand, him telling you this much may just be a clever cover-up to more. I don't know...

But then tbh I don't really think it matters all that much, because:

Unregistered wrote: »

Also he cant bear to be pulled up on anything, like this evening, I called to his house as arranged, he kissed me hello and then said he was going to the shop (2 mins away) he went off and never came back for almost an hour, he was gone for a spin in his car. By which time I had started to feel like an eejit so I left! When he rang to see where I was and I said I left he said I was being stupid and making a big deal out of things I should have just waited for him.

Is this just the miscommunication of the sexes, or is this guy a bit of an asshole or just immature?

... this is unbelievable. I would have left just like you did. He cannot expect you to sit around and poke your belly. If this happened repeatedly, such lack of consideration would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.

ManOfMystery

I think he's bang out of order on both counts.

You can be a social networker without having to flirt in front of your significant other and make them feel awkward.

Leaving you for an hour - when he's only meant to be gone for a few mins - is also unacceptable. If a person is running late or taking longer than planned, they'll either text their partner to let them know or apologise when they get back. He did neither.

He strikes me as someone who likes do what he wants regardless of how you feel about it, and this will probably get worse as time goes on and you become used to each other.

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey guys,

Am 27 yr old female, been with my 25 yr old fella for over a year. He is great in many ways, we get on brilliantly, are always laughing, great sex, and when I am with him, he appears to be mad about me.

But.... (why is there always a but?)

He is a terrible flirt. He constantly comments on other women, and really enjoys meeting new people (men and women) but especially pretty women, who he will just start a conversation with, regardless if I am there or not. He often comes home with girls numbers, mainly for work he says (he is a builder) on nights out without me. He is very open about this along the lines of 'got chattin this one last night, turns out she getting a garage built I got her number'

Also he cant bear to be pulled up on anything, like this evening, I called to his house as arranged, he kissed me hello and then said he was going to the shop (2 mins away) he went off and never came back for almost an hour, he was gone for a spin in his car. By which time I had started to feel like an eejit so I left! When he rang to see where I was and I said I left he said I was being stupid and making a big deal out of things I should have just waited for him.

Is this just the miscommunication of the sexes, or is this guy a bit of an asshole or just immature?

He's 25 and acting like he's single, you could start letting him make the effort, while you sit back be indecisive about things, it'le soon account for how into the relationship he is! Obviously if your prepared for that...

Tho judging bye his demeanor, of ringing and saying that you where stupid and making a big deal of things, I would happily say hes Immature, inconsidorate and getting to much to easy... When we get an inch we take a mile and thats exactly what he's doing!

Its good that you left, You where right to leave.

Munster_Gal

He sounds really immature to be honest!
I wouldn't be too bothered about him talking to girls and stuff (my ex was always chatting to girls but only cause he loved talking to new people and stuff) but leaving you sitting there for an hour waiting for him to come back from the "shop" is outrageous!

VaioCruiser

As usual many contributors to these threads seem to confuse flirting with flagrant propositioning. Flirting is a sign of someone who enjoys life and enjoys the company of the opposite sex, and who can do so without propositioning them.

My gf is a huge flirt and it is wonderful to be in her company. Same for most of my friends.

Anyone who cannot or who does not like to flirt is someone who is emotionally disconnected in my view.

LegacyUser

sometimes the very things that attract you to someone in the first place is the very thing that will drive you apart. he's a flirt, so what!!! unless he's told you otherwise and there are other girls he wants to be, then enjoy what you have and don't ruin it.

the next part he seems a bit of a chancer. if you're quite happy for him just to disappear off out when you arrive and not contact for a while after, then thats your choice.

maybe the good outweighs the bad, bout how much of the odd behaviour can you take????

Wibbs

VaioCruiser wrote: »

As usual many contributors to these threads seem to confuse flirting with flagrant propositioning. Flirting is a sign of someone who enjoys life and enjoys the company of the opposite sex, and who can do so without propositioning them.

My gf is a huge flirt and it is wonderful to be in her company. Same for most of my friends.

Anyone who cannot or who does not like to flirt is someone who is emotionally disconnected in my view.

I agree to a point. Where I disagree is that people vary. I won't do it if it makes any partner I have uncomfortable. Everyone has a point of discomfort. With some that point is reached earlier than others. This does not mean they're not socially liberated or any of that guff, it's just the level they're happy with. It is part of my remit as their partner to understand that, to understand the difference between a healthy level and an unhealthy level. In me and them. If I overstep the boundary or they do then that needs to be addressed.

Some people are into open relationships which would be one extreme. Others are much more reserved. Both are perfectly fine if their partners are on the same page. Put the latter person with one of the former and although both healthy attitudes in of themselves, there would be trouble ahead.

It boils down to this IMHO; what's right for me does not equate with it being right for someone else and I should strive to realise that and accommodate that if I am in a relationship with that person(and they with me). Understanding that is one of the basic tenets of wisdom in any relationship. Few enough have it. On both sides of the argument.

This goes for his absences and screwing you around too OP. Just because he thinks it's nothing or you're over reacting, does not always mean you are.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, it depends. There are various levels of flirting.... from sweet and innocent to downright vulgar.

absolutely, I flirt a lot and think it is health and positive. By flirt I mean chatting to lots of girls, being positive towards them and complementing them. I think it's nice to make people feel good about themselves. It's a sign of a happy, confident, outgoing person, I wouldn't see it as disrespectful to you or your relationship. But it is a fine line between harmless flirting and sleezy

Nallandnanyways

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Flirting is a sign of someone who enjoys life and enjoys the company of the opposite sex, and who can do so without propositioning them.

My gf is a huge flirt and it is wonderful to be in her company. Same for most of my friends.

Anyone who cannot or who does not like to flirt is someone who is emotionally disconnected in my view.

Can do so without propositioing them? An overt proposition is exactly what it is. Flirting is an expression of sexuality wherein one or both people subtley displays romantic or sexual interest towards the other. Yeah, fantastic when youre single, but if youre in a long term committed relationship, you should be emotionally (romantically, of course) disconnected from other people.

The fact that you enjoy basking in the reflected power that your girlfriend derives from teasing other men is your own prerogative. Some men (women) like to watch their partners have sex with other people, which is fine too, but that doesnt make it the norm.

Anyway OP, you already know you have a problem and have come here looking for validation. Most people have touched on the basics... cheeky chappy, probably what you saw in him in the first place was his charisma and rogueish charm... great networker, busily building the business up and using all the tools at his disposal. All fine. Bottom line though is, you suspect he is being unfaithful, and I suspect you are right.

You would not pop to the shops for 2 minutes and leave the iron on, let alone leave your girlfriend waiting for over an hour while you "go for a drive". Wtf? However, its not the fact that he fcked off and was a bit of a bastard that would worry me, its the fact that he is trying to displace the blame onto you. On returing home to find you gone, he should have called you and said, "I was an @sshole, I met one of the lads we had a pint, Im sorry for being selfish/not texting to let you know/etc", not "If you have a problem with this, it is your issue, Im just a cheeky chappy who likes to chat to people and disappear off for drives with people to "price a job" or whatever it was he was up to".

I think (and I think you think) youre ultimately going to find out this guy has cheated or is cheating on ya.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

absolutely, I flirt a lot and think it is health and positive. By flirt I mean chatting to lots of girls, being positive towards them and complementing them. I think it's nice to make people feel good about themselves. It's a sign of a happy, confident, outgoing person, I wouldn't see it as disrespectful to you or your relationship. But it is a fine line between harmless flirting and sleezy

I would suggest, with respect, that it a very broad and obvious line.

Sharlovesjohn

Unregistered wrote: »

absolutely, I flirt a lot and think it is health and positive. By flirt I mean chatting to lots of girls, being positive towards them and complementing them. I think it's nice to make people feel good about themselves. It's a sign of a happy, confident, outgoing person, I wouldn't see it as disrespectful to you or your relationship. But it is a fine line between harmless flirting and sleezy

I would be uncomfortable about my partner doing that I see it as no harm outside a relationship but in a relationship why would my partner want to complement other women to make them feel happy unless their are friends?

LegacyUser

You need someone you can rely on and he isn't it. You can be friendly and get on with everyone without having to get their number and flirt. I don't think it is ok to flirt at all when in a relationship, there is always sexual undertones to flirting and there is a very fine line between that and going further.

You don't go on nights out to talk to girls who "want a new garage", he would have had to have been attracted to them or vice versa for anything to have gotten started in the first place and I doubt very much there are that many women in the clubs discussing garages and plastering. Sorry but he needs to go.

Wibbs

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I would suggest, with respect, that it a very broad and obvious line.

If your partner doesn't share that broad and obvious line and you constantly push over it knowing it is causing hassle, then that's the issue, not the line itself.

VaioCruiser

Wibbs wrote: »

If your partner doesn't share that broad and obvious line and you constantly push over it knowing it is causing hassle, then that's the issue, not the line itself.

I agree absolutely. This is where we have to be very cautious about giving our partners and potential mates too much control over us. Being prevented from basis human needs and their natural personality. Too many people surrender too much control for the experience of being wanted, and then the control takes it's toll and eventually it always ends in tears. We need to enjoy being loved and wanted but not at the expense of our natural selves.