Da being reasonable?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one ...

My ma died when I was ten. My da hasn't been the best (or the worst) dad since (12 years ago). He has a new girlfriend every couple of years and insists on making every girlfriend a part of our family without ever asking us how we feel about it. His new girlfriend has no sense of boundaries and oversteps them alot, even when its obvious that she shouldn't. My da just seems to encourage her.

He's now bringing her to all family events, but has lately brought her to my ma's grave for the annual blessing of the graves (a thing we do down the country, was always a family day). One of my siblings got really upset about it and didn't go because the girlfriend was there. Now his girlfriend is upset because my sibling is making her feel that she shouldn't be there for my da at events like this.

Who should my da's priority be? His girlfriend or his child (adult)?

petes

Unregistered wrote: »

Who should my da's priority be? His girlfriend or his child (adult)?

In my opinion his child. Adult or otherwise.

Sinall

It would seem reasonable to expect that he would be able to keep his girlfriend separate from an occasion where you were remembering your mother. I am surprised as well that she wanted to come along.

So your dad's girlfriend is upset and so is your sibling. IMO, your sibling has more right to be upset. If I were in your situation I would feel as if your fathers girlfriend is intruding on a private family occasion. I don't think she really had any place at the blessing of the graves.

Is there anyway you can say calmly to your dad that, while you are happy that his girlfriend is willing to support him, you (as his children) would have preferred a private occasion on which to remember your mother? Your dad's girlfriend could be there before and after the event, if she wants to comfort your dad but it doesn't seem appropriate for her to be there if the whole family is not comfortable with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that Sinall & Insurgent.

I'd have no problem telling him that calmly, that's exactly how I feel about it. He hasn't listened in the past, so I really don't think he'll listen this time. Plus two of my older siblings brought their boyfriends. He'll just say "Well if they can bring their boyfriends, I should be able to bring mine..."

He's angry because his girlfriend is upset, not because his child is upset. Doesn't that seem warped and out of touch?

I feel like having it out with him because all I can see is that he cares more about his girlfriend than he does about his own children.

I don't want to live a lie with him and pretend it's hunky-dory when it's far from it. Should I refuse to speak to him until he gets his priorities straight? I can't see any other way for me to stand my ground.

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

"Well if they can bring their boyfriends, I should be able to bring mine..."

It's not like it was a social occasion! It was a blessing of the graves in memory of your mother. Not a party.

I don't know about the stopping talking to him idea. These things can escalate and before you know it 3 years could have gone by!

If he is going to be deliberately obtuse about it then there's not much you can do, other than say your piece. I'm sure deep down he realises that it was not an appropriate occasion for his girlfriend to be at. How about getting all your siblings together to talk to him? Calmly though, or he might feel that he's being ganged up on and get defensive!

Another option is to write everything down, explaining that you love him and that you are glad he has someone in his life, but that as a family there are occasions when you need to mourn your mother in private and remember her together. You show him the respect of including his girlfriend in your lives, he should show you the respect of allowing you to remember your mother in an appropriate manner at these types of occasions.

LegacyUser

Thanks again Sinall.

Sinall wrote: »

I don't know about the stopping talking to him idea. These things can escalate and before you know it 3 years could have gone by!

You're right, I think that would be the worst case scenario. But I hate living a lie with him.

Sinall wrote: »

How about getting all your siblings together to talk to him? Calmly though, or he might feel that he's being ganged up on and get defensive!

That's sounds good. We've never done that, but it'll take a lot of courage for him to sit and listen to us. Will talk to other siblings about it. I can see him walking out after five minutes though!

Sinall wrote: »

Another option is to write everything down, explaining that you love him and that you are glad he has someone in his life, but that as a family there are occasions when you need to mourn your mother in private and remember her together. You show him the respect of including his girlfriend in your lives, he should show you the respect of allowing you to remember your mother in an appropriate manner at these types of occasions.

I wouldn't like to write that down, but maybe I could say it to him.

I'm trying to see it from his point of view but it's impossible. I'm a sympathetic person, but I'm finding it really hard to find any justification for his giving his girlfriend priority over his children. It's disloyal and selfish in my opinion.

Front

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks again Sinall.



You're right, I think that would be the worst case scenario. But I hate living a lie with him.



That's sounds good. We've never done that, but it'll take a lot of courage for him to sit and listen to us. Will talk to other siblings about it. I can see him walking out after five minutes though!


I wouldn't like to write that down, but maybe I could say it to him.

I'm trying to see it from his point of view but it's impossible. I'm a sympathetic person, but I'm finding it really hard to find any justification for his giving his girlfriend priority over his children. It's disloyal and selfish in my opinion.

My opinion on this is that while it wasn't the most sensitive thing to do - bringing the gf to the grave blessing, his priority now needs to be himself - not his gf or his "child" He has raised his children into well rounded people by the sounds of things and he now deserves to be happy for himself - and if that means the new gf then so be it.

I doubt he's trying to replace your mother, and I doubt she wants to be your mother. They are two adults who are together - and your sibling who got upset is going to have to learn to cope with it - and boycotting events she is at isn't going to help things - you'll force him into making a choice - and you may not be the winner in that instance.

Hard to say, as I've never been in the position

meditraitor

You seem to forget that he was your Mothers Husband, this bond was broken and he suffered. What makes you think the decisions on what way he wants to remember your mother are yours to make? This is childish and imature, he is sharing his life with someone else now your mother has passed on and if he chooses to share times like the blessing of the grave with his current partner it should be his choice.
You might have suffered the loss of your mother but he also suffered.

Grow up, its been 12 years....... dont live in the past

Be happy for you father,

tweety76

meditraitor wrote: »

You seem to forget that he was your Mothers Husband, this bond was broken and he suffered. What makes you think the decisions on what way he wants to remember your mother are yours to make? This is childish and imature, he is sharing his life with someone else now your mother has passed on and if he chooses to share times like the blessing of the grave with his current partner it should be his choice.
You might have suffered the loss of your mother but he also suffered.

Grow up, its been 12 years....... dont live in the past

Be happy for you father,

This is an ignorant comment to make unless you have been in a similar position you don't know how OP "feels". I would not be happy if my father brought his current girlfriend to my mothers grave.

OP I have been in a similar situation although my Dad did not flaunt gfriend at a graveyard, I had it out with my father and cleared the air, I discussed that although I am delighted he has someone in his life that he can share things with go on hols etc... he also has to respect that there are times when her( girlfriends) presence are OTT. Don't sit on the feelings as they will only rot and fester!
Try to clear the air.
Good luck

meditraitor

tweety76 wrote: »

This is an ignorant comment to make unless you have been in a similar position you don't know how OP "feels". I would not be happy if my father brought his current girlfriend to my mothers grave.

OP I have been in a similar situation although my Dad did not flaunt gfriend at a graveyard, I had it out with my father and cleared the air, I discussed that although I am delighted he has someone in his life that he can share things with go on hols etc... he also has to respect that there are times when her( girlfriends) presence are OTT. Don't sit on the feelings as they will only rot and fester!
Try to clear the air.
Good luck

The thing is I am in the same position as the OP, my father died 10 years ago and since then my mother has found a wonderfull man to share her life- and he does go to the blessings of the graves with her! albeit he also has family in the graveyard

I would never for a minute think that just because he was my father I could preach to my mother how and with whom she spends her life or how she mourns my father..... its not my place

tweety76

meditraitor wrote: »

The thing is I am in the same position as the OP, my father died 10 years ago and since then my mother has found a wonderfull man to share her life- and he does go to the blessings of the graves with her! albeit he also has family in the graveyard

I would never for a minute think that just because he was my father I could preach to my mother how and with whom she spends her life or how she mourns my father..... its not my place

It's good that your mother has found a "wonderful man" but unfortunately they are not always wonderful( in my case) !! I still think OP should tell his Dad how he feels.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks Front, I do agree with a what you're saying about himself being his priority. But at a family occasion like this I think he should take the rest of his family's feelings into account too. He's not the only one who's suffered.

It's fine having her around at other events, but on a day like blessing of the graves?? I think that's weird. What would my ma think of it? I'd say she'd be happy he's happy, but would not be impressed with bringing the girlfriend to the grave.

Taltos

I am in the same position - ie parent dead.

But - I would really love for my mum to find someone to be there for her.
Would I be upset if she were to bring someone to the blessing of the graves with her? Have to say no - I know that she is normally v upset herself when she goes - and every time my heart goes out to her.

A big part of me would just love if she could have someone there for her and her alone - as it is she is looking at all of us to make sure we are ok - but who is just there for us.

Yes - I understand that this is difficult for you - especially if your father has indeed paraded all these gf's in front of you all - as far as you know this is just another one through the gates.

I do think you need to sit down and talk to them both - but I also think that you need to be prepared to listen to him as well. At the end of the day your dad may need someone to be there for him and strong - just like the rest of you have someone for you.

Not an easy position - but as I said I would be thrilled if my mum could find someone to make her happy again.

LegacyUser

Thanks Taltos.

I agree that him having a girlfriend and moving on with his life is totally alright and understandable. But I think that that day (and her anniversary) is the one time he should leave the girlfriend away. She has her own family (she's divorced) and she should just be with them on those days.

Sinall

meditraitor wrote: »

What makes you think the decisions on what way he wants to remember your mother are yours to make?

I think that perhaps a balance and a joint making of decisions (for these types of family situations) would be the best possible outcome. It's great that the OP's dad has a girlfriend and I'm sure the OP wouldn't begrudge him that, but if the whole family aren't comfortable having her at the blessing of the graves perhaps it would have been better to ask them how they feel about it. She seems to be welcome at all other occasions.

If the OP and his/her siblings are upset by it then talking it out is probably the best thing to do. It could clear the air and maybe get rid of any misconceptions that might be there and make it easier for them all going forrward.

neuro-praxis

Unregistered wrote: »

Plus two of my older siblings brought their boyfriends. He'll just say "Well if they can bring their boyfriends, I should be able to bring mine..."

It's either family only, or it's not. Discuss that with everyone in the family.

I understand that you are still missing your mam. But your dad is free to do as he sees fit. You need to suck it up, frankly.

outspann

I don't have an answer to this one, except to say that I think this is one of those instances in life where there is no right or wrong. I know if I was in your fathers position, I would certainly like to have the option to bring my new partner to the graveside. It all depends on how serious he is about her.

I don't believe your opinion is wrong, but I don't believe your fathers is either. Somebody said in an earlier reply that "you can't understand how it feels until you've been there". Just keep in mind that that also applies to what your father has been through.

What he suffered when your mother died was just as difficult as what you had to face. It wasn't the same, it had different ups and downs, but no doubt it was just as difficult. It may be hard, but try to realise that he may be doing the best he can, just as you are.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Taltos.

I agree that him having a girlfriend and moving on with his life is totally alright and understandable. But I think that that day (and her anniversary) is the one time he should leave the girlfriend away. She has her own family (she's divorced) and she should just be with them on those days.

Can totally see why you might feel like that.
But - if it were me - I would be happy for my mum to have someone there for her when she needed them.

Still say talk to your dad - but and this is a biggie - do you really want to hurt him by forcing him to choose - or can you swallow your feelings of hurt/pain in accepting that he needs/wants/whatever - this person there with him at this time.

10yrs down the road now - can really see that life is way too short to get hung up on things like this. Yes it hurts - but sometimes you just gotta try to move past it.

Not an easy choice ahead of you - but do you want to make your dad choose like that?
The reason I am asking is a friend of my mum's was put in a similar position - choose or else... He chose the gf - family were totally broken up by this - daughters felt betrayed - but and I really am not making this up - he was dead within 3 yrs... Do you really want the regrets that this guys daughters must have - or maybe they are happy in their absolute certainty they were right and so what if they broke his heart.

Your choice.

CDfm

I agree that the blessing of the graves might seem weird but in another way it is showing his girlfriend that he had /has another life and its important to him.

I have children and am divorced and they are late teens. My OH has integretated but it isn't easy and walking a tightrope between others feelings would be difficult.

Now you are adults he can have a relationship and you shouldnt make it harder.I wonder how you and your siblings would feel if he adopted a similar approach to your relationships.A bit of empathy wouldnt go amiss.