Do I love him or not?

LegacyUser

My head is wrecked at the moment. Going out with a guy for about 6 months now. We were friends for a while first (I was with my ex) then we started casually seeing each other. He told me he loved me really soon, within a month I think. Once he said it, it got into my head as well so I reciprocated. Every time we talk I tell him I love him........but do I really? How do you know? Maybe it's infatuation/lust or caring about him as a friend. I'm so confused!!

LegacyUser

I think you would really know if you were in love or not, do you get that tingle inside?

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years, and if I'm honest, I don't know if I was ever in love with the girl. More fool me for staying with her for that long, but my point is be honest with yourself, if you doubt it, then your not!

sinead.sexylady

The fact that you are asking if you love him, means you dont 100%. you love him as a person i am sure, and as a friend, but as someone you will spend the rest of your life with, im not too sure.
for me, love is thinkin about that person every second of the day, and 3 years later still feeling butterflies when you kiss them and still getting excited when meeting up

LegacyUser

When I see him I get all happy and my heart sort of jumps. I can definitely feel some sort of amazing chemistry/bond when I hug him. But exactly, when I think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm definitely unsure! Doesn't help that it's long distance atm so I have a lot of time without seeing him to doubt and worry.

cute_cow

sinead.sexylady wrote: »

The fact that you are asking if you love him, means you dont 100%.

completly agree with sinead. if you need to ask, you don't love him as a boyfriend.
from personal experience, when you know, you know...and its that simple.

LegacyUser

it sounds like he fancied you before you broke up with your ex if he could tel you he loved you so soon. means you didn't really have time to figure out how you feel - bit like rebound. think if you're actually asking yourself if you really love him r not den mayb you just weren't ready to go into a relationship as soon. if you could sugggest a "break" to him for a month or 2 to figure yourself out, den you'd know if its meant to be - but den again trying to tel a guy who loves you dat you want a break is far easier said than done.

ziedth

sinead.sexylady wrote: »

The fact that you are asking if you love him, means you dont 100%. you love him as a person i am sure, and as a friend, but as someone you will spend the rest of your life with, im not too sure.
for me, love is thinkin about that person every second of the day, and 3 years later still feeling butterflies when you kiss them and still getting excited when meeting up

I don't want to sound overly harsh but you can't tell that she doesn't love him from a few lines in a post?

You are of course entitled to your opinion but to me you seem to only accept the storybook version of what love is. OP if you can see yourself haing a future with him, if you respect, find him attractive then imo that is what love is. Don't ever let anyone tell you what you are supposed to feel. If you are happy and ot feels right you saying it to each other then goto town.

LegacyUser

sounsure wrote: »

When I see him I get all happy and my heart sort of jumps. I can definitely feel some sort of amazing chemistry/bond when I hug him. But exactly, when I think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm definitely unsure! Doesn't help that it's long distance atm so I have a lot of time without seeing him to doubt and worry.

Jesus OP,
You sound stressed, from what you describe in your above posts thing seem to be going really well. Now just because your 6 months into the relationship and the Honeymoon period is beginning to slip your questioning the foundation of the relationship.
Try not to think too much....typically feminine trait.

epik

well.. only you can really answer that. Part of me wants to say maybe not, since you're asking the question. However, I don't know you or what you may have been through that might make you cautious. Maybe there is something holding you back? In my experience there is no doubt. Even when I kept questioning it. I just needed to be with that person, but hey! thats me! Maybe its just taking you longer to get to that point than it took him.
Ultimately, only you know the answer
Good luck!

VaioCruiser

sounsure wrote: »

When I see him I get all happy and my heart sort of jumps. I can definitely feel some sort of amazing chemistry/bond when I hug him. But exactly, when I think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm definitely unsure! Doesn't help that it's long distance atm so I have a lot of time without seeing him to doubt and worry.

I do not agree with other posters here. It is absolutely not in any way easy to know when we are in love by some kind of magic light switch.

When does deep affection become love. What is love ? There are different kinds of love and different depths of love. I have been in love a few times. But even when people say that .... I promise you they are often not always sure. For example when I say I have been in love a few times, even I am not sure if one or two were infatuation, deep affection... or real deep love. And I simply do not believe anyone who says different. I have met and spoke and heard many people in my life talk about this and it is definitely not a simple thing.
Recently I fell in love with a very special lady and I have discovered that the depth of my love for her is so deep that it makes what I thought was love many years ago pale in comparison. So there are many level of love.

I think that when we look for quick certainty we are doomed to disappointment, because it takes a while to build and develop confidence in our feelings - and sometimes experience also.

Are you discussing marriage with him ? If not then does it matter ? does it matter right now ? Does he really know if he loves you ? I wonder. I suspect he is probably very similar to you.

I think you should relax, and enjoy being with someone you have such strong feelings for. Let it happen and over time you will gain some insight into your feelings. Your distance now will help, I think. Not because you miss him so much, but when he comes back it will give you a good indication about your emotions. And even then, don't try to diagnose your emotions unless you have to.

Best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me. My very first boyfriend told me he loved me after a month. At the second he said it, I had strong feelings for him I had never experienced love before I reciprocated also (very briefly thinking I must have been in love). Then he kept saying it from then on. It made me really uncomfortable as it was as if he felt much stronger for me than the other way around. I felt pressure to have to say it back after I had said it once. It completely messed things up. Looking back, he simply said it far too soon in the relationship. That along with my inexperience of 'love' made the relationship come to a close a lot sooner than I think it would have if 'I love you' never got said at all.
Being with someone else now, years later, it's completely different for me. I love them with all my heart and until meeting them, I was always confused as to what love was.

Perhaps cut down on the 'I love you' talk when you're not 100% if you are in love or not. It will take a bit of pressure off you and when if feels right, you'll know. (my opinion anyway!).

LegacyUser

Unregddd wrote: »

Hi OP. A similar thing happened with me. My very first boyfriend told me he loved me after a month. At the second he said it, I had strong feelings for him I had never experienced love before I reciprocated also (very briefly thinking I must have been in love). Then he kept saying it from then on. It made me really uncomfortable as it was as if he felt much stronger for me than the other way around. I felt pressure to have to say it back after I had said it once. It completely messed things up. Looking back, he simply said it far too soon in the relationship. That along with my inexperience of 'love' made the relationship come to a close a lot sooner than I think it would have if 'I love you' never got said at all.
Being with someone else now, years later, it's completely different for me. I love them with all my heart and until meeting them, I was always confused as to what love was.

Perhaps cut down on the 'I love you' talk when you're not 100% if you are in love or not. It will take a bit of pressure off you and when if feels right, you'll know. (my opinion anyway!).

With regards to the person you're with now, have you told him you love him? If so, how soon in to the relationship was it?

Kimia

You are here on boards asking us 'do i love him' - sure how in the name of God are we ever going to tell you that?

If you need to ask that question then I don't think you are in love with him. Yet. Don't put pressure on yourself.

I remember at the start of our relationship my OH and me said we loved each other quite early and I don't think we really did at that stage. And then months later I was with him and I just looked at him and thought 'I really love you' and then I knew.

petes

You need to get out of the mindset that love=spending the rest of your life with somebody.

Maybe you do love him now. That can change.

Maybe you don't love him now. That can also change.

Only one that knows for sure is you.

puglover

I don't want to sound overly harsh but you can't tell that she doesn't love him from a few lines in a post?

You are of course entitled to your opinion but to me you seem to only accept the storybook version of what love is. OP if you can see yourself haing a future with him, if you respect, find him attractive then imo that is what love is. Don't ever let anyone tell you what you are supposed to feel. If you are happy and ot feels right you saying it to each other then goto town.

And you can't tell that she does love him. Your definition of what love is not any more valid than anyone elses.

OP tbh honest nobody can tell you that. IMO when you fall in love you will know.

My experience - I had 2 long term relationships told both that I loved them at one point or another but I was never quite sure and sometimes I was just saying it because I felt I should.

I'm with someone now just over 6 months and I've never been so sure,I feel so lucky to have met him, and blessed to have him in my life. I think about him all the time. I get butteflies just thinking about him and I still get excited about meeting him, even tho we see each other 6 - 7 times a week. Any insecurities I had in previous relationships are completely gone, I trust him completely.

To me it's the fairytale version and it's real.

I think you'll know when you are in lov, but thats just my experience

LegacyUser

puglover - when did you tell him?

puglover

It was over 2 months in(still not a majorly long time I know). I was afraid of saying it tbh and waited until he said it first.

philologos

sounsure wrote: »

My head is wrecked at the moment. Going out with a guy for about 6 months now. We were friends for a while first (I was with my ex) then we started casually seeing each other. He told me he loved me really soon, within a month I think. Once he said it, it got into my head as well so I reciprocated. Every time we talk I tell him I love him........but do I really? How do you know? Maybe it's infatuation/lust or caring about him as a friend. I'm so confused!!

OP: Relax. I think it says a lot about you that you are concerned whether or not you are genuine about a decision about this. It means that you care about honesty and being legitimate with your boyfriend. A positive trait indeed.

We are discussing abstract emotions here, so people are going to differ. I personally would distinguish lust from love in the respect that love is a strong emotional attachment generally surrounding from who your partner is. Lust is a physical attraction based on appearance. Of course appearance is also a factor in love as well, but I find that if you are in love you focus on who the person is and you find that that is what you really love about the person. As I say, perhaps this is just nutty rambling on my part though

I personally wouldn't have feelings like that in respect to a friend. So for me I'd distinguish it in three categories: 1) Lust (mostly physical), 2) Love (emotional attachment to another based on who they are), 3) Friendship (respect and consideration but never as strong an attachment as 2).

Think about it, and as I say, this post speaks well of you rather than against you . What you seem to need to do is assess whether or not you have 2 rather than 1 or 3. But then again, I could be talking utter nonsense either. Unfortunately I can't assess what you are feeling.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

It was over 2 months in(still not a majorly long time I know). I was afraid of saying it tbh and waited until he said it first.

Male here..I want to say it to my OH but am afraid the same words will not be said in return. I've no real reason to think this but it's what's going through my head. I think it'd just hurt me a bit if she didn't feel the same way.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

With regards to the person you're with now, have you told him you love him? If so, how soon in to the relationship was it?

It was almost a year when I first told him. We had sort of been teasing each other with almost saying it for a while before hand. Since telling him, I've fallen even more.

VaioCruiser

Jakkass wrote: »

OP: Relax. I think it says a lot about you that you are concerned whether or not you are genuine about a decision about this. It means that you care about honesty and being legitimate with your boyfriend. A positive trait indeed.

We are discussing abstract emotions here, so people are going to differ. I personally would distinguish lust from love in the respect that love is a strong emotional attachment generally surrounding from who your partner is. Lust is a physical attraction based on appearance. Of course appearance is also a factor in love as well, but I find that if you are in love you focus on who the person is and you find that that is what you really love about the person. As I say, perhaps this is just nutty rambling on my part though

I personally wouldn't have feelings like that in respect to a friend. So for me I'd distinguish it in three categories: 1) Lust (mostly physical), 2) Love (emotional attachment to another based on who they are), 3) Friendship (respect and consideration but never as strong an attachment as 2).

Think about it, and as I say, this post speaks well of you rather than against you . What you seem to need to do is assess whether or not you have 2 rather than 1 or 3. But then again, I could be talking utter nonsense either. Unfortunately I can't assess what you are feeling.

Lots of good advice there that I agree with. As you say we all have our own criteria and interpretation of our own emotions. It is not an easy task sometimes.

I would just comment on your categorisation... In that love for our sexual and emotional partner must incorporate the element of lust as well as the emotional.

All the best.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Male here..I want to say it to my OH but am afraid the same words will not be said in return. I've no real reason to think this but it's what's going through my head. I think it'd just hurt me a bit if she didn't feel the same way.

Always a difficult and scary thing. How long have you been together and how old are you both ? if I may ask...

LegacyUser

Been together five months and rarely go a day without seeing each other. Also stay over together quite often.

philologos

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I would just comment on your categorisation... In that love for our sexual and emotional partner must incorporate the element of lust as well as the emotional.

I personally don't consider sexual attraction as a part of love to be lust. Rather it is one factor of many of why you think of that person in the way you do. Whereas lust to me, would be an extremely strong sexual desire without any real emotional attachment to the person themselves. Again, we will define things differently I guess

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Male here..I want to say it to my OH but am afraid the same words will not be said in return. I've no real reason to think this but it's what's going through my head. I think it'd just hurt me a bit if she didn't feel the same way.

I wouldn't think about it like that OP. She may not feel the same way yet, it may take her longer or she may never feel the same. But fact is she is going out with you so she probably hopes to feel that way someday if not already.

For me it was more the fact that being in love leaves you quite vunerable to that person. I think I thought that if I didn't say it out loud it meant it wasn't really true - and if things went belly up I wouldn't be hurt :rolleyes: De Nile ain't just a river in Egypt