Boyfriend has erectile disfunction - need help on first step

sunshine2009

My boyfriend and I have a very happy relationship in every way except when it comes to sex - because we don't have any. We have done before but it dwindled off and it hasn't happened in a good few weeks. For a number of reasons I've come to the conclusion that he suffers from erectile disfunction (i believe physcological). He avoids intamicy situations although we do snuggle and hug etc but not with arousal brought into the equation. He's a real sensitive guy, has suffered from anxiety/depression which he's on medicaiton for - work has been stressful and in a few weeks he finishes up there. He's a fit healthy guy and is a warm, gentle loving person and we both love each other dearly. We're only going out a few months and intially after the lack of sex became apparent I tried to talk to him about it but I was met with a very vunerable reaction and I got from him that he was too uncomfortable to talk about it so I didn't put any pressure to. We have vagually since mentioned the lack of sex and he says stuff like he's not a proper boyfriend to me and I'm full of reassurance because sex isn't the be end of all relationships. We haven't actually discussed ED. I believe that its caused alot of pain for him in past relationships. I have talked to a counciller and read about it more and having a better understanding. I'm sitting back and not putting any pressure at all but this invisable wall is getting bigger. I would like to take the next step and have a proper conversation with him about it. However I'm finding it very difficult to broach the subject or what to say - I know its an issue for him that perhaps he has locked away in a place in his head that he's just not facing up and because what we have now is so brilliant he's perhaps putting it off. I do want to have the best that we can have out of our relationship and know that this is something we can work through together but where do I start to break down the barrier of fear, anxiety?

VaioCruiser

sunshine2009 wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have a very happy relationship in every way except when it comes to sex - because we don't have any. We have done before but it dwindled off and it hasn't happened in a good few weeks. For a number of reasons I've come to the conclusion that he suffers from erectile disfunction (i believe physcological). He avoids intamicy situations although we do snuggle and hug etc but not with arousal brought into the equation. He's a real sensitive guy, has suffered from anxiety/depression which he's on medicaiton for - work has been stressful and in a few weeks he finishes up there. He's a fit healthy guy and is a warm, gentle loving person and we both love each other dearly. We're only going out a few months and intially after the lack of sex became apparent I tried to talk to him about it but I was met with a very vunerable reaction and I got from him that he was too uncomfortable to talk about it so I didn't put any pressure to. We have vagually since mentioned the lack of sex and he says stuff like he's not a proper boyfriend to me and I'm full of reassurance because sex isn't the be end of all relationships. We haven't actually discussed ED. I believe that its caused alot of pain for him in past relationships. I have talked to a counciller and read about it more and having a better understanding. I'm sitting back and not putting any pressure at all but this invisable wall is getting bigger. I would like to take the next step and have a proper conversation with him about it. However I'm finding it very difficult to broach the subject or what to say - I know its an issue for him that perhaps he has locked away in a place in his head that he's just not facing up and because what we have now is so brilliant he's perhaps putting it off. I do want to have the best that we can have out of our relationship and know that this is something we can work through together but where do I start to break down the barrier of fear, anxiety?

You have pretty much covered all the bases there sunshine As a guy who has suffered bouts of this, I think he is lucky to have such a wonderful and loving gf. You have my serious respect.

You say in a few weeks this stressful job ends. So maybe it's best to let that happen and see how things go. It is an extremely difficult issue to tackle, as you know, because it is so deeply felt and so deeply entwined with his sense of manhood and self esteem.

Is his job the main source of his stress and depression ? did he experience the ED before this job ? I think it is still important, over time, to coax him into not being afraid to engage in all the other wonderful elements of a loving sexual relationship that don't involve penetration ... starting with giving and receiving massages, cuddling, holding him tight when you do the coaxing ... telling him you are horny as hell for him and need a massage...

I am interested in what other people post and how things progress. It is vastly more common that most people think.

All the best.

sunshine2009

hey thanks for your honest reply. great to hear from a guy who's suffered from it before. I really want to do the right thing and do understand the importance of taking the right approach on sensitive issues having dealt with a personal issue myself (not sexually related) a few years ago.I felt that the first stage of dealing with an issue is actually admitting and talking about it and talking to people that understand but this step can't rushed into but at the same time should be assisted knowing that the support is there. He hasn't talked to me at all about it so i'm full of presumptions but I'm guessing that its been a problem for him in the past and with past relationships - one of which I believe ended badly. He suffers from anxiety and depression, I don't know if this is incidental from stressful work or from this issue. I've tried to bring up the subject with him and most recently I asked him does he think about things (I was meaning this issue which he picked up on) and he said he doesn't because it makes him very stressed. I really want to break down that barrier and although everything is going so well and we're both so happy I would like to be the stepping stone/security platform for him to rediscover such a wonderful part of life. I think the advise you've given is great - thanks so much. As a matter of interest, how did you get through this what I can only imagine as a soul distroying issue?

Gyalist

While you clearly mean well, you are not qualified to diagnose what is affecting your boyfriend. He needs to visit his GP. You also mentioned that he is on medication for anxiety/depression and loss of sex drive is a very common side effect of antidepressants. So the the first step is for you to encourage him to see his GP.

VaioCruiser

sunshine2009 wrote: »

hey thanks for your honest reply. great to hear from a guy who's suffered from it before. I really want to do the right thing and do understand the importance of taking the right approach on sensitive issues having dealt with a personal issue myself (not sexually related) a few years ago.I felt that the first stage of dealing with an issue is actually admitting and talking about it and talking to people that understand but this step can't rushed into but at the same time should be assisted knowing that the support is there. He hasn't talked to me at all about it so i'm full of presumptions but I'm guessing that its been a problem for him in the past and with past relationships - one of which I believe ended badly. He suffers from anxiety and depression, I don't know if this is incidental from stressful work or from this issue. I've tried to bring up the subject with him and most recently I asked him does he think about things (I was meaning this issue which he picked up on) and he said he doesn't because it makes him very stressed. I really want to break down that barrier and although everything is going so well and we're both so happy I would like to be the stepping stone/security platform for him to rediscover such a wonderful part of life. I think the advise you've given is great - thanks so much. As a matter of interest, how did you get through this what I can only imagine as a soul distroying issue?

Again I think you are really grasping the situation very well. There are as many possible tactics as days in the month. One of the first things, I suggest, is to let him know by telling him one evening straight out... casually.. that as far as you are concerned it doesn't matter a jot to you. Thinking about it, for him, is something that triggers it. If he knows that it is no longer an issue, it may help . . . even a little.
The previous poster has a point however - medication could be having an affect.
I would do some of the things we have discussed and see how it goes. You, as a woman, will know if there is any improvement in willingness to be intimate, and in any 'response' from his hydraulics if there is ... then just keep going, slowly.
If there is still no progress, I feel you may decide to find a strategy to coax him to look at the meds aspect, including whatever he is taking, and maybe something like ciallis or viagra.

On your last question, I am older, over 40 and this is one of the downsides of being on the slippery slope I found that for ME, one of the causes was the women I was with that were passive, lie back and make love to me, types caused me to fail. When I found a lady who made an effort to be cute and 'wanting' and proactive with her hands, and who realised that just like women, men need a bit of time and attention and don't spring up in 2 seconds ... things improved hugely (as it were ..). So I am not sure there is a lot in common with the causes.

All the best !

sunshine2009

Hey there, I need further advice because now I don’t know what direction I am in at all? I tried to talk to him last night. I thought it was a good time cos we were in bed and both relaxed. I said that I thought we should talk about the lack of sex, that the invisable wall is getting bigger. I said I think I know why you're shying away from intimacy. So his body language changed a bit. He said what?? I couldn't bring myself to say ED so I just came out with performance and he was like you don't think I can perform??? in a kinda defensive reaction - which is very odd for him cos he's never like this. So i kinda tried to make a joke of it and said of course not.
We haven’t actually spoke about ED and before when I was asking him about what was it and he was saying he doesn't know? so this time he said no its not performance and that he doesn't know what it is.... I asked is it that he doesn't like sex and he was like well its never the right time, we get up diff times in the mornings and at night we're too tired and then we're so busy at the w'ends. He agreed that this situation isn't right at all and we need to make time and asked to let him make the first move. Then he said its quiet late to be talking about this (it was late) and its going to get his mind racing - and I said look its fine we can talk more at the w'end.

So his reaction made me think this is obviously VERY sensitive and now I'm questioning is it ED??? I'm going to have to ask him outright over the w'end. He left a note for me this morning in the kitchen saying thanks for bringing up the subject and sorry for not being able to open up that we'll talk more at the w'end.

I'm thinking now back to the times we had sex.... It’s there then it isn't and I think penetration causes this sometimes.

Do you think that he could be in complete denial with me because its too hard to talk about or am I gone down a completely wrong road??

Rb

Wait and see what the weekend brings.

He made a hell of a lot of excuses not to have sex, by the sounds of it, which isn't a characteristic of a most men.

petes

Can you get off your fixation of erectile dysfunction for a minute.

Have you done what Gyalist suggested. Anti - Depressants can cause a sever lack of libido.

Start here.

LegacyUser

You're with this guy only a few months, ye click really well but he has no sexual desire whatsoever. Anxiety / depression or otherwise, this is an unusual situation. ED is real and thankfully can be simply treated these days... but with ED, the desire is still there, it is the capability that is lacking.

Seems to me there is no desire with your fellah at all. He is actually making excuses not to have sex. Do you think he might be gay?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Seems to me there is no desire with your fellah at all. He is actually making excuses not to have sex. Do you think he might be gay?

Making excuses to avoid sex when a guy has ED is a completely typical behaviour.

petethebrick

Sensitive or not he needs to grow up and discuss it with you. If he has erectile dysfuntion - no big deal, it's a common problem and can de dealt with. Sex is a very important part of a relationship => being 'sensitive' is no excuse not to talk about it and sort problems out if they exist.

sunshine2009

hey there, thanks for the suggestions, feels like unknown terratory for me so its good to have some other opinions. i know that he's not gay for sure. i'm going to see what the weekend brings. it may well be the anti-depressants which aren't making him interested in sex. however i think its more than that because i know when we're together in bed we will snuggle to a point and he gets uncomfortable - like he's hesitant that things will go to the next stage.

thanks for all the feedback, its greatly appreciated. my biggest worry is approaching this with him because its something very personal to him. i want to know and understand but i need him to open up with me. i don't want to push him - the difficulty is trying to break down the barrior of fear, anxiety, stress about this what ever it is.

sunshine2009

So we talked over the w'end and I quizzed him as to what was stopping him wanting to be intimate, few things propped including the possibility that his libido is low from medication, he's having trouble with his sleep (his snoring is keeping him from going into deep sleep) and therefore his mind is all the time tired. I asked him about ED and he denined. Anyway he said look we can have sex we'll do it this w'end but i need to make the first move. I said look I don't want you to have sex just because its the right thing to do but because you want to. So another conversation came up (we had a few glasses of wine so it was easier to talk) and I told him how the lack of intamicy was making me feel. He said he didn't realise it was this bad. I questioned him again about the excuses and said in my head it just doesn't seem to add up and eventually he admitted that there was something but that he just can't talk about it with me yet/not ready to. So I tried to be understanding and then felt guilty for perhaps sounding selfish about my sexual needs. He said he's taken it all in and glad we talked etc. He's going to the doc about his sleep thing and he'll be finished work up in less than 3 wks which i think will help. So although we've broken down the barrior a bit, he still won't (or sorry can't) talk to me about whatever it is - which tbh is more and more feeling like its ED. I want to keep this issue open now and not let it deplete so perhaps the ball will keep rolling. Yesterday I just wanted to say to him that unless he can talk to me about whatever it is, we can't move on but I don't want to spoil the great times we're having together because when we talk about it it puts a really bad feeling in the air between us.

Does anyone have any advice as to how do I help him talk about it with me without pushing him in a corner.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP... ok ... it sounds like you made real progress that time... I wasn't sure about the previous time, it sounded like you didn't handle that one as well as you could have.. but anyway ..

It looks you have a process going now ... so don't let it fall down. Let him tackle the sleep thing and finish the 3 weeks thing too... Maybe along the way, when you are cuddling one evening and as you finish, I would just drop in a quiet word that you are glad you are both dealing with it [big hug] and that in a few weeks time you both need to set aside a little time and he needs to let you in to his situation. Then follow up in another couple of weeks, without leaving it too long. BUT don't let it cause any issues in the meantime, concentrate of happy things only.

It's insane to speculate ... but don't forget it could be something quite serious, and therefore needs your absolute best level of sensitivity.... which I am sure you have, judging by your posts.

All the best !!