My mistake. How do I recover? Help - be honest with me

LegacyUser

Was with my gf for a year..totally madly in love..about to buy a house together..

There was a constant 'threat' re an ex hovering over us (or at least I percieved there was !!!)
Anyhow ex's mum died, she says immediately that she's going to funeral..I went mad..big row..she went to funeral..and to pub afterwards where he obviously was..I know she spent ages chatting to him there..

anyhow long story short..she admidted afterwards that that eve she began to wonder had she still got feelings for him,,and it spiralled from there into her sneaking round behind my back to meet him etc to see 'if she still wanted him'....

Ended recently after me discovering lies and deceit re him (mind you I dont think she had done ought with him..just meetings..)

So my problem...I now blame myself for having row with her before funeral and basically pushing her away and planting seed of going back with him into her head.....
How can I get over this? She did some horrible things afterwards to me but in reality the break up was my fault..do you agree??

Wibbs

Unless you were being really pushy about it, I doubt much would have changed. If she was happy with you, the ex wouldn't come into it. OK it may have brought it to a head, but IMHO it was in play beforehand. She sounds like she's in confused mode. I'd leave her to it and move on as fast as you can.

Baby-G123

Absolutely not your fault IMO.

She was having secret meeting with her x! Think you had a lucky escape by the sounds of it. You'd never be able to trust her.

You also said she did some horrible things on you since then, she doesn't sound like someone that deserves to given a second thought...

upmeath

Not your fault OP. If you think you'd consider taking things up with her again, wait a bit and let her come to her senses. If not, move on, simple as.

Maggieo

It probably was not meant to be! Time will tell! Move on and see what happens! Good Luck!

LauraLoo

Let it go.

If it was real "spend the rest of my life with you" love then she wouldnt be doubting her feelings for you and wondering if she has feelings for ex.

Some people live on drama- as if a relationship isnt worth it if there is no drama.

The fact that you are still thinking about it- you are trapped in her drama.

To help you get over it:

Make some changes in your life-

Join a class/get a hobby
go on a holiday/ go travelling
get fit/dye your hair (lol- i think its just a woman thing but hey i always dyed my hair a contrasting colour after a break up and for some reason it really empowered me)

reprazant

While it was not really your fault, as it seems she had the feelings irrespective of whether you had the row or not, I am quite shocked that you would feel that she shouldn't go to the funeral just because she is his ex. To me, thats pretty bad form really.

sbsquarepants

Long story short. Dump her, she's poison. Been there and know what i'm talking about, don't blame yourself for what someone else does. Call it a day now before it happens again and again, which it almost certainly will

LegacyUser

Even before you argued with her over the funeral you claim that you felt that there was a "constant threat" hovering over ye, so TBH i feel the argument had nothing to do with pushing her towards him, She was obviously pondering about this for a long time before hand and going to the funeral was an excuse to become close to this again,, Dont blame yourself for this, nothing you have said or could say would prevent this from happening,, learn from it and move on with your life, "dont waste time on people who aren't willing to waste their time on you"....

metamorphic

1 year together and buying a house, seems fast to me. did you feel if you'd taken that step you'd be more secure in your relationship?

Her sneaking around behind your back and it's your fault? Her testing the waters with her ex and it's your fault?

you seem too "understanding" for your own good. Be a bit selfish and expect more from the person you were about to bind yourself to with a house for the next 25-40 years. If you think that's too much to ask then I think you probably have confidence issues and think it's ok for someone else to keep you in the wings like that.

Personally I'd lay it on the line, "you're with me 100% or not at all, you want to go test the waters you'll be doing it as a single girl"

if she walks be happy in the knowledge you dodged a bullet. In fact, feck it, tell her to walk, something similar will crop up again, and if you keep taking it it'll keep happening.

LegacyUser

OP here...

thanks for all replies...

We have split for last three weeks(over the ex)

however I received an email this morning telling me she had been miserable with me for months, hated going home to me, her kids hated being around me, I wanted too much of her, she's much better on her own..basically I loved her too much and she couldnt give it back..called her self a 'free spirit'.

So Im even more gutted now...probably wasnt the ex at really...she just had gotten bored with me and we moved too fast...

Lesson learned for the future...thanks all...I'll go have a good cry LOL

ManOfMystery

I love it when people calls themselves 'free spirits' yet have no problem getting into long term relationships. She should have thought of this before messing you around

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I love it when people calls themselves 'free spirits' yet have no problem getting into long term relationships. She should have thought of this before messing you around

Thanks...still will always wonder what else I could have done...I tried to be the best bf one could have but alas...............................not compatible I reckon :-(

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Was with my gf for a year..totally madly in love..about to buy a house together..

There was a constant 'threat' re an ex hovering over us (or at least I percieved there was !!!)
Anyhow ex's mum died, she says immediately that she's going to funeral..I went mad..big row..she went to funeral..and to pub afterwards where he obviously was..I know she spent ages chatting to him there..

anyhow long story short..she admidted afterwards that that eve she began to wonder had she still got feelings for him,,and it spiralled from there into her sneaking round behind my back to meet him etc to see 'if she still wanted him'....

Ended recently after me discovering lies and deceit re him (mind you I dont think she had done ought with him..just meetings..)

So my problem...I now blame myself for having row with her before funeral and basically pushing her away and planting seed of going back with him into her head.....
How can I get over this? She did some horrible things afterwards to me but in reality the break up was my fault..do you agree??

Hi there - I regret to say that I believe you made a couple of serious mistakes. Firstly I believe it was very wrong to get so upset about going to an ex's Mum's funeral. Why on earth would you do this ? She may have had a nice relationship with this lady and even if not, it is surely a sign she is a nice person to be supportive to an ex at this time.
Why do you believe that we have to terminate all contact and respect for our ex's ?
I think this thing you have has driven her underground. By pushing her away and forcing her to be secretive, it has caused much of what has happened in my opinion.

Move on and please learn from your mistakes. When we date we do not get the right to put our partner's in a cage and cut them off from other people.

All the best for the future.

togster

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi there - I regret to say that I believe you made a couple of serious mistakes. Firstly I believe it was very wrong to get so upset about going to an ex's Mum's funeral. Why on earth would you do this ? She may have had a nice relationship with this lady and even if not, it is surely a sign she is a nice person to be supportive to an ex at this time.
Why do you believe that we have to terminate all contact and respect for our ex's ?
I think this thing you have has driven her underground. By pushing her away and forcing her to be secretive, it has caused much of what has happened in my opinion.

Move on and please learn from your mistakes. When we date we do not get the right to put our partner's in a cage and cut them off from other people.

All the best for the future.

That sounds very logical, but you have to understand not everyone is capable of that.

OP there is a difference between intuition and jealousy. Who knows maybe you were being intuitive or maybe you were being jealous.

Either way move on, don't look back and be positive!

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi there - I regret to say that I believe you made a couple of serious mistakes. Firstly I believe it was very wrong to get so upset about going to an ex's Mum's funeral. Why on earth would you do this ? She may have had a nice relationship with this lady and even if not, it is surely a sign she is a nice person to be supportive to an ex at this time.
Why do you believe that we have to terminate all contact and respect for our ex's ?
I think this thing you have has driven her underground. By pushing her away and forcing her to be secretive, it has caused much of what has happened in my opinion.

Move on and please learn from your mistakes. When we date we do not get the right to put our partner's in a cage and cut them off from other people.

All the best for the future.

Unfortunately I agree with you....................I acted like a complete plonker

Thanks anyhow

Front

Unregistered wrote: »

Unfortunately I agree with you....................I acted like a complete plonker

Thanks anyhow

While you may have been able to handle things a bit better with regards to funeral etc, truth is your OH was touting around for something better. Frankly her email makes her sound like a nasty tramp who you are better off without. Consider it a bullet dodged - and thank the lord that you didn't buy a house.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Unfortunately I agree with you....................I acted like a complete plonker

Thanks anyhow

Don't take it too badly. We make mistakes and we learn from them.

She sounds like she was a perfectly nice and decent person who suffered, like we all do, from doubts form time to time and from curiosity. It is a very rare person who does not, and usually someone with limited imagination. Mistakes were made and lessons learned.

People who obsess with blame and attacking people usually just mask their own guilt. You seem to be dealing with it far more maturely. Well done.

All the best.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Don't take it too badly. We make mistakes and we learn from them.

She sounds like she was a perfectly nice and decent person who suffered, like we all do, from doubts form time to time and from curiosity. It is a very rare person who does not, and usually someone with limited imagination. Mistakes were made and lessons learned.

People who obsess with blame and attacking people usually just mask their own guilt. You seem to be dealing with it far more maturely. Well done.

All the best.

thanks for that...some horrid things were said in mail..couldnt believe it was her TBH..


Miserable/kids hating me..that hurt so much....you would not believe the lengths i went to to 'go the extra mile' for her and kids...left work early to get home and cook dinner for when she and kids came in from work / school, surprising her with gifts / flowers, baby sat her kids(even when there were other things I could do..) was alwayys loving caring considerate to her, getting up in middle of night to clear childs vomit from floor (cos she couldnt stand it..when child was ill..) up in middle of night to do the usual spider removal stuff for kids,,etc etc etc ..all to no avail...

But your post has helped a wee bit..I'll get there.....when I meet someone deserving of me...

Cheers

VaioCruiser

I really feel for you, mate. Life can be a real s**t sometimes. It doesn't mean we are bad people.
I have made some mistakes in the past. A couple of really stupid ones. It hurt like crazy and all I cold do was move on and try to learn.
The split with the kids is a really hurtful one, definitely.

My very best wishes.

Nallandnanyways

Unregistered wrote: »

I'll get there.....when I meet someone deserving of me...

Hit the nail on the head there pal. She didnt deserve you and she realised that as clearly then as you do now. The more you did for her (cleaning vomit off a carpet is a struggle when its your own child!), the more she resented herself and by extension you. Youre hurt and raw now, but remember that youre also a clearly decent guy and any decent girl will be delighted to snag ya. Good luck

LegacyUser

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Hit the nail on the head there pal. She didnt deserve you and she realised that as clearly then as you do now. The more you did for her (cleaning vomit off a carpet is a struggle when its your own child!), the more she resented herself and by extension you. Youre hurt and raw now, but remember that youre also a clearly decent guy and any decent girl will be delighted to snag ya. Good luck

Op here
Thanks for that...will however always wonder 'what if.....'


Meant to add in earlier posts that she admidted to me in later days that she resented the kids cos they tied her down too much..said she never wanted kids ......says it all really....I would die without my daughter...

I know I'll never meet anyone like her so just gotta make do with second best :-(

Thanks for all your support...

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I'll never meet anyone like her so just gotta make do with second best :-(

Are you for real? Did you digest any of the responses here?

Oh The Humanity

She sounds like a feckin eejit.

I think she was just using you as a glorified babysitter by the sounds of it.

You shouldn't be a doormat for anyone, especially users like her. The more subservient you are the less respect you will get.

As for her saying she is a free spirit, give me a bucket. People who say that usually mean they are immature, selfish, irresponsible idiots.

Sorry but please stop taking her stupid email to heart. She sound like the type who has to blame the victim to justify herself.

Dont cowtow to future partners so much.

Peewee_lane

Em, OP, honestly - I agree with your reaction, but can understand she went to the ex's mothers funeral out of respect of the relationship she had with the mother and not the ex.

I dont see any problem with bringing you, I mean - life moves on and all, you cant be selfish and expect someone to remain single after someone dies, if the aunties and uncles can bring their new partners after divorce, etc, then why cant you appear with your ex to her ex's relations funeral. Its getting complicated now, but you get my drift.

Dealing with the fact that she couldnt be trusted to attend solo and then went off independently and messed everything up - your better off without her and I would move on out of there, pack up the feelings.

Id take this as a sign, not a reason to be sad. True colours get shown for a reason, its all just pushing you on in life to be the man you're meant to be.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here
I know I'll never meet anyone like her so just gotta make do with second best :-(

Thanks for all your support...

I agree with Sarahsassy on this one. I tell you in all honesty and in my experience, what you said there is a crock. I know you're hurting at the moment, but trust me that really is a crock. I guarantee she wasn't that great. Half the men hear would probably not have given her a second glance as far as looks go. There is always prettier out there. Secondly regardless of the back and forth and blame being thrown all over the kip, the end fact is she went off with her ex. That's the nub of it. End of really. So how can she be so great for you is she did that?

You will find better for you. You will find someone just as, or more kind, intelligent pretty, compatible, fun, whatever trait you admire. Half the worlds population is female, so you think you got lucky only the once out of the literally billions of women you've yet to meet and they've yet to meet you? Nope.

OK at the moment you're looking through lovers eyes and that's natural. Even more so as she's gone. This will pass in time, but to make it pass quicker, accept the past, learn from it and keep your options open.

Nallandnanyways

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here
Thanks for that...will however always wonder 'what if.....'

I know I'll never meet anyone like her so just gotta make do with second best :-(...

You know, in my earlier post, I was going to add a small caveat about your choice of words when you said "Ill get there when I meet someone deserving", but didnt as I thought I mightve been reading too much into it.

The reality is, youll have to get there before that if you dont want to repeat this pattern. I guess your esteem is a little (a lot?) knocked (Im guessing there are some possible scars from your relationship to your daughters mother?). Maybe ex came along and validated you. Made you feel attractive and worthy that someone whom you held on a pedastel had embraced you. But you dont need to be validated by her, or your ex or, crucially, by the next girl you meet.

LIke I said earlier, youre clearly a decent guy, I would wager youre an excellent Dad, and you have a lot to offer. But dont give it away cheaply. Learn to value what your value proposition is and drive a harder bargain as to the behaviour and commitment you expect in return. As Wibbs said.. you are looking at her through the rose-tinted glasses of a lover, where the gritty reality of her true image is distilled of all its coarseness and all you can see right now is how wonderful she was. Its classical displacement behaviour, along with beating yourself up (and you have been blaming yourself all through this thread for HER actions.)

Anyway, look at what everyone here is saying, listen to reality. Acknowledge that she is probably a deeply unhappy person herself (her comment about her own kids is very telling) who has allowed that resentment seep into your relationship like a poison. By clinging to it so much and bending over backwards as you said you did, it has seeped into you too. Time for detox, pal. Put her in your rear-view and dont look back.

Get your chin up and see how decent you are in your daughters eyes. And when you do meet someone else in the future, it will contextualise just how wrong for you this ex was.

Sorry for the drainy diatribe. Good luck.

Redpunto

You didnt do anything wrong - try and move on as it was jsut not meant to be

LegacyUser

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

You know, in my earlier post, I was going to add a small caveat about your choice of words when you said "Ill get there when I meet someone deserving", but didnt as I thought I mightve been reading too much into it.

The reality is, youll have to get there before that if you dont want to repeat this pattern. I guess your esteem is a little (a lot?) knocked (Im guessing there are some possible scars from your relationship to your daughters mother?). Maybe ex came along and validated you. Made you feel attractive and worthy that someone whom you held on a pedastel had embraced you. But you dont need to be validated by her, or your ex or, crucially, by the next girl you meet.

LIke I said earlier, youre clearly a decent guy, I would wager youre an excellent Dad, and you have a lot to offer. But dont give it away cheaply. Learn to value what your value proposition is and drive a harder bargain as to the behaviour and commitment you expect in return. As Wibbs said.. you are looking at her through the rose-tinted glasses of a lover, where the gritty reality of her true image is distilled of all its coarseness and all you can see right now is how wonderful she was. Its classical displacement behaviour, along with beating yourself up (and you have been blaming yourself all through this thread for HER actions.)

Anyway, look at what everyone here is saying, listen to reality. Acknowledge that she is probably a deeply unhappy person herself (her comment about her own kids is very telling) who has allowed that resentment seep into your relationship like a poison. By clinging to it so much and bending over backwards as you said you did, it has seeped into you too. Time for detox, pal. Put her in your rear-view and dont look back.

Get your chin up and see how decent you are in your daughters eyes. And when you do meet someone else in the future, it will contextualise just how wrong for you this ex was.

Sorry for the drainy diatribe. Good luck.

Thanks for that...yeah my daughter means the world to me...and yes scars from a previous relationship (not ex wife though..) ... something similiar happened...so either its me or I sure know how to pick them

and yes she is deeply unhappy (said she carried around an inherent sadness...her mum n brother dies when she was 11..manies a tearful night we sat discussing this..)

You are correct in all you say..she eben said I need to love myself more before I love another....possibly ye are all correct ...


Question for ye all..do ye think I should wait a while before meeting another as Ive met a few ladies recently and just NOT INTERESTED ...

sbsquarepants

It takes time, could be months, could be longer. You don't need to second guess things, you'll know the time is right when someone catches your attention, untill then don't fret. If you take a look around at people you know who are happily married or attached, odds are they met there partner at some odd time when they weren't even looking for someone and just clicked. A good friend of mines brother is extremely happily married for years now to a woman he met in a bar after a blind date (which incidently, he didn't even particularly want to go on) stood him up! You never know what's around the corner. Stay open to possiblilities, keep your eyes open and your head held high. Your conscience is clear and that will see you through an awfull lot of ****, i know it did in my case. Best of luck for the future mate, i guarantee it's a lot brighter than it might look right now!

Nallandnanyways

Unregistered wrote: »

so either its me or I sure know how to pick them

I would guess its both, tbh. I wouldnt be at all suprised if you are subconsciously selecting this type of high-maintenance dominant/domineering woman due to your own esteem issues, but I dont know you well enough to be sure... that and I dont want to sound like Dr. Phil! You could just have been unlucky and been attracted to 3(?) women who turned out to not be good for you. And thats not unusual either. Ive been attracted to a lot more than 3 women who were definitely not good for me!

Unregistered wrote: »

Question for ye all..do ye think I should wait a while before meeting another as Ive met a few ladies recently and just NOT INTERESTED ...

Yes mate. You absolutely need to wait a while. ANd not for waiting's sake, but for the very deliberate purpose of spending time discovering who you are and working on who you want to be in the future. We know your self-esteem is low, but if you continue to plug the holes in it by latching onto partners that provide ego-boosts/companionship/security/validation... whatever.. you will continue the destructive pattern of compromising your own principles in order to hold onto a relationship that you would be better off without. Work on building yourself up, appreciate yourself, your abilities, your compassion, your heart.

To be honest, I think you need to consider chatting to a professional about how you feel, cos I think it goes a little deeper than just being a little insecure. I have a feeling your standard operating position within a conflict is to internalise it straight away and try to figure out what you did to cause it. Then you reach out to the other person with whom you are having the conflict to try to appease/assuage them for the sake of restoring harmony. What that immediately does, however, is send a message to the other person that you are malleable and weak (sorry if that's harsh) and regardless of whether youre right or wrong, you will capitulate. By validating the other persons behaviour in that way, you have empowered them to continue to treat you in that fashion, which chips away further at your already low self-esteem and perpetuates the problem.

When you get to a point where you can say "Fcuk this.. I dont deserve this sh1t and Im not accepting it"... and mean it.. then you will be in a much healthier position to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship, based on shared respect and love.

Sorry.. did it again with the draininess!:o

LegacyUser

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

I would guess its both, tbh. I wouldnt be at all suprised if you are subconsciously selecting this type of high-maintenance dominant/domineering woman due to your own esteem issues, but I dont know you well enough to be sure... that and I dont want to sound like Dr. Phil! You could just have been unlucky and been attracted to 3(?) women who turned out to not be good for you. And thats not unusual either. Ive been attracted to a lot more than 3 women who were definitely not good for me!



Yes mate. You absolutely need to wait a while. ANd not for waiting's sake, but for the very deliberate purpose of spending time discovering who you are and working on who you want to be in the future. We know your self-esteem is low, but if you continue to plug the holes in it by latching onto partners that provide ego-boosts/companionship/security/validation... whatever.. you will continue the destructive pattern of compromising your own principles in order to hold onto a relationship that you would be better off without. Work on building yourself up, appreciate yourself, your abilities, your compassion, your heart.

To be honest, I think you need to consider chatting to a professional about how you feel, cos I think it goes a little deeper than just being a little insecure. I have a feeling your standard operating position within a conflict is to internalise it straight away and try to figure out what you did to cause it. Then you reach out to the other person with whom you are having the conflict to try to appease/assuage them for the sake of restoring harmony. What that immediately does, however, is send a message to the other person that you are malleable and weak (sorry if that's harsh) and regardless of whether youre right or wrong, you will capitulate. By validating the other persons behaviour in that way, you have empowered them to continue to treat you in that fashion, which chips away further at your already low self-esteem and perpetuates the problem.

When you get to a point where you can say "Fcuk this.. I dont deserve this sh1t and Im not accepting it"... and mean it.. then you will be in a much healthier position to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship, based on shared respect and love.

Sorry.. did it again with the draininess!:o

LOL

You are so so right...with it all..I know this !!

An old story of a friend of mine comes to mind...

He and his gf (now wife) were both from Donegal, she was in Donegal and he was working in Dublin. One Friday eve he left work to go to Donegal to see his gf..The traffic and weather were awful so it took him much longer than expected to get to Donegal..when he got there eventually, exhausted and looking forward to seeing his gf at last, she ranted and raved about how late he was and that he was a fc**er etc etc. So he immediately sat back in his car and drove back to Dublin without even bothereing to explain why he was so late and exhausted....his gf NEVER complained again..and now they are long married ... I always liked that stoty...

I need some of that !!

Getting some of it too from you fine people here !!

Thanks

Skapoot

Thats actually a great story lol!

Ah shur all you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. Discover what you will and wont accept from the next relationship. Use this past one as inspiration. I think it will help you end up in an equal relationship in future. Not one where you're constantly trying to please another without getting due thanks !

You sound like a great guy and a lot of girls probably would kill to go out with someone like you! Just try not to fall into the trap of going for high maintenance wenches again! They're never happy no matter how much you give!!

The breakup was not your fault. It was hers. That email was unecessary. She's extremely immature for sending you such harsh words. She's blaming you for her not being happy. You did everything to make her happy. She'll realise too late what she just gave up! Try to move on, believe me theres better out there.

Good luck, it will all turn out for the better!

Salome

The warning sign for me is her comment in her email regarding her kids and you - she's a nasty piece of work and she was possibly using you until something better, in her eyes, came along. It might have been the ex she was thinking about.

You dodged a bullet here - don't believe she was too good for you. She wasn't. You were too good for her.

Don't waste your time on this one, she's seriously not worth it.