Don't want to be friends with ex

LegacyUser

I have a 3 yr old daughter with my ex and obviously I want her to have a relationship with her Dad and I want to get along with him. But there's a problem...

He always had quite a dominating and manipulative personality. When I was going out with him I lost all my friends. I went from being outgoing and sociable to lonely and depressed. I felt trapped in a relationship I didn't want to be in...he was totally obsessive, he took over every area of my life, all my hobbies & interests. He rang me multiple times a day and would call over to my house or ring my friends if he didnt know where I was. It took years for me to finally break free from what was a very unhealthy situation.
I still have alot of resentment towards him for taking my life from me for so long...I also regret not being strong enough for standing up to him.

Finally I've just about got my life back. Have a great bunch of new friends and a lovely boyfriend. But because I have a daughter with this guy I just feel like he still has a hold over me. I want to be civil with him but I feel like he's taking advantage of having a child together to maintain this hold over me. I don't know what to do.

My last few attempts at relationships have ended in failure because of the constant presence of this guy in my life. He still rings multiple times a day. Just lots of phonecalls which I dont answer. If im with my boyfriend I put my phone on silent so he doesnt notice all the phonecalls.
He leaves really friendly comments on my page using phrases like 'Hey baby..' - like he's trying to put across an act to the rest of my friends that we're best friends.
He's always putting pressure on me to do things 'as a family', the 3 of us...trying to guilt me into it.

I've tried everything at this stage. I cut all contact with him and he started sending crazy messages. I kept a log of them and the amount of times he was calling and threatened to go to the police if he didnt stop.
He did and apologised and promised to ease up on the contact.
Then the phonecalls started again after a few weeks.

When he comes to collect my daughter he'll always give me these big hugs in front of other people - im not going to make a scene so i just go along with it, sometimes he'll quickly feel me up or make an inappropriate comment. Ive made a fuss about it so many times and it might stop for a few weeks but then its back to the same old crap.
Like last week he gave me a hug and opened my bra while he was hugging me so I told him that made me uncomfortable and he went mad, storming off saying 'jees it was just a joke,when did you lose your sense of humour'.

He keeps saying things like 'I don't see why we can't be friends'. I feel sorry for him to be honest. I dont want to be a b!tch. but i don't want to be his friend. I want to get on with my life.
So what do I do.I know I just have to accept that he's going to be in my life. I know its best that we get on. But how can i stop him from taking advantage of that.

My boyfriend doesnt know what to make of the situation. Ive told him this guy makes my skin crawl, that I wish i could have him out of my life but then he sees comments on facebook that make us look like best friends and I know he notices him ringing me alot. The ex knows what hes doing -hes done it so many times before - hes just manipulating the situation, saying things he knows my boyfriend will read to try and stir the sh!t and break us up like hes done so many times before.

I know it probably seems obvious that I should just block him, and never answer my phone. But its easier said than done. It always works for about 2 weeks and then Im back 2 square one...he just keeps pushing and pushing.
He's completely obsessed with me and I feel like Im never going to be free from his grasp to be able to have a normal relationship with anyone else.

I'm pretty desparate at this stage. I don't even know what to say to him. He's so nice when he wants to be..whenever I try to bring it up the conversation ends up as 'well i just dont see why we cant be friends, i promise il ease up on the contact...its best that were friends because of our daughter...you cant just cut me out of your life,im here for good so just accept it...i cant believe your ashamed of me/trying to hide me from your other friends' etc etc....

Please help...! I feel like I'll just slip so far back if i lose yet another relationship (this time I really love my boyfriend & am determined to make things work) but he's just this constant bad presence dragging me down. What can i do??

trio

Well firstly, hide your Facebook Wall from him so that he can't view it. You can do this in Settings-Privacy-Wall-Customize. You type in his name and he's the only one then who can't see your Wall.

If he asks, just say, oh that's strange. How peculiar.

If he thinks it's gone, he's not going to post "Hey baby" things. And even if he does, you can delete it pronto and he won't know that you have.;)

Secondly, put loads of photos of you and your bf up. And delete any photos of him, needless to say.

When he comes to the house stop hugging him. What are you hugging him for??? Make yourself busier so that you're not just standing there all exposed. Ring bf as you see him pull up outside. Answer door with phone to ear. Hug/kiss kid goodbye. Mouth "hi" to ex, whilst talking on phone. Give friendly wave to kid. Shut the door, phone still at ear.

If bf is there, then keep arm around bf at all times. It's harder to hug someone who's half-hugging someone else. If other family is there and you can't be on the phone and can't do anything, then for the love of God leave your hands by your sides. At least then it looks one-sided to all who's watching.

Delete texts on arrival. Get into the habit of deleting all his texts if they're not kid-related.

Stop having conversations! You are not friends! Stop feeling sorry for him! Don't you realise how much you're enabling this? "It works for two weeks and then I get worn out and I let him do whatever he wants, so he knows by now he just has to ease off for two weeks and then he can start again" It's like something some tearful parent would say to Supernanny about their infant son!

The only time you should speak is if you have something to discuss re: your daughter, and those conversations should be short and sweet.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

VaioCruiser

I think this situation requires a lot of thought and consideration... on our parts here.

A controlling man who won't stop.

It may be that you will have no option but to get some kind of restraining order....