Stuck in a Rut - What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Firstly, some background; Im a male in my early 20s living abroad working for a year, due home in 4 months..

I was out last weekend with some mates and my mate's girlfriend's friend was out, whom I had met once before and got on well. Anyway, that night we had good fun and spent alot of time talking and dancing. We were dancing quite intimately and were both enjoying it so I went in for the kiss but she pulled away. She apologised and said she had a boyfriend. At this point, my mate came over and just asked me to leave it. I was a bit tipsy but realised the point and didnt make another move.

Anyway, the next day she added me on MSN and ended up chatting all week every night... nothing flirty really, just chit-chat.

So this weekend, it was my mate's girlfriend's birthday and she was having a meal out and drinks to celebrate. This girl was out again and we chatted a bit, and as the night progressed we chatted more and danced more. Pretty early in the night she said she needed to go home (she was staying with her friend). I offered to walk her home because it was quite far and through a pretty dodgy part of town, and she said that would be cool. I ended up walking her home to her mates house, and we chatted outside a bit and had a very brief kiss, before she pulled away and explained again she had a bf and didnt feel right. She admitted she had tried break up with her bf (before she met me) because she didnt feel like it was working, and that he had moved abroad for work, but she still didnt feel comfortable.

Anyway, it was a bit awkward but we covered it up and I said goodnight. As I was walking home I heard her call after me. Her friend wasnt there and she didnt have her phone (neither did I). I said she could come back to mine and sleep there if she wanted, and if she was uncomfortable I could even sleep on the couch.

We ended up sleeping together, but spent most of the night talking.. We did share a kiss though. She admitted she really liked me but didnt know what to do because she was technically still with her bf and I was moving home in a few months. I said I wasnt sue what to do either, but I do like her.

So, basically, Im confused and dont really know what to do. In the past 2 days since the above night, we have been texting alot, and its quite obvious there is something between us.

I really dont know where to go with this though. I like the girl, and she likes me.. but she has a bf, so I dont want to intrude and break them apart. Ive havent yet been in a serious relationship either, and am moving home in a few months, so logic tells me to leave it (?), but my feelings tell me otherwise.

My head is really screwed around this. I have no idea what to do. Has anyone been in this situation before, or can anyone offer some independent advice? I could really do without the 'she cheated, shes a bitch' comments though; Im really not in the mood to hear that.

Any help / advice would be much appreciated.

VaioCruiser

NoIdea wrote: »

I really dont know where to go with this though. I like the girl, and she likes me.. but she has a bf, so I dont want to intrude and break them apart. Ive havent yet been in a serious relationship either, and am moving home in a few months, so logic tells me to leave it (?), but my feelings tell me otherwise.

I really think you need to step back and look at where things are going if they continue. The bf issue seems a relatively simple one - either she ends with the bf or not.
The complicated issue is you going home. If she ends with the bf and takes up with you, and all goes hunky dory... what happens when you have to go home ? Do you just say sayonara and she and you are left dangling ? or what ? She comes with you ? You stay ? ....?

If you know what the answer to that is, i think you will be a lot closer to the best answer.

All the best.

lucy-

I think maybe there needs to be a little bit of direct, down-to-earth communication with this girl to find out how she feels. She is being straight with you about having a bf, and is missing him. She probably really appreciated having you to talk to/flirt with the other night, but I wouldnt advise taking things any further unless she finishes with her bf first - you would get hurt. Also, when you move home, you would become the "bf working abroad" and I suspect you would be wondering if she would strike up a friendship with anyone else while you away!

Would you be happy being "just good friends"? I guess she is probably pretty young too, and realistically I am sorry to say a long-distance relationship is unlikely to be successful under those circumstances. You can see she gets lonely when her bf is away!

You sound like a very sensible, caring guy, and I wish you all the best for the future. Just staying friends seems to me to be a good option if your feelings for each other are uncertain - four months is not far away before you move, and you can never have too many friends - particularly those you can talk to for hours!

Best wishes
Lucy

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far guys. I agree I think I need to have a chat to her about it, but still a bit unsure.

She is actually 2 years older than me, and has been seeing her bf for almost 4/5 years now, so its quite a long-term relationship, but she admits she's unhappy with it. She did admit however she has never felt this way during that relationship about another person, and thats one of the reasons why she's so confused. I don't think it's because she is missing him, as I think she has wanted to end the relationship for a while now, but I just imagine after that length of time it's hard.

I had also thought about that if I go home do I become the bf working abroad, but really dont know. My mate and his gf who I mentioned above met out here and if anything have proved it can work, because she is moving back home with him in a few months time and they are very happy together.

We've been texting again all day today, but due to our work etc, it would only be possible for us to see each other at the weekend. Should I ask her out for a drink this weekend to talk things over, or what?

Cheers

LegacyUser

How far abroad are you?

As someone who has done the whole meeting in a far away land and moving home having met someone special I think the distance is a key factor. My now ex and I met in Oz and he left before me and went back to Germany. I followed shortly afterwards arriving back to Dublin. We managed to keep a LDR going for a fairly long time considering where we were location wise but we had at the back of our minds that we would be on the same continent soon enough.

It all depends really on how much you like the girl and how much you are willing to take to make it work.

First port of call should definitely be to meet up over a coffee or something and have a chat. See what she wants etc. But really if she isn't ready/willing to dump the bf then...

LegacyUser

Like your situation empathetic girl, Im in Oz at the moment. Did your relationship break down because of the long-distance mind me asking?