How do you know when you are ready for kids?

LegacyUser

Perhaps the fact I am even asking this question on an internet forum should be enough for me to say "NO WAY NOT READY" but some impartial advice could be just what I need.

I'm 25 and engaged. Until recently, whenever the talk of kids came up, both myself and my fiance (26) said that we don't want them and are happy as we are. I could never ever see myself as a mother figure, I worry that I will drop them, sticky hands on my clothes are not nice, I just can't wipe a snotty nose (eewwwe), I'm terrified I'll hurt them. Give me a kid, I freeze, I'm totally lost.

About a month ago, he started saying that maybe he wants a kid at some stage, this has gone from A kid to SOME KIDS and some stage has become IN 2 YEARS OR SO. I don't even know how to begin considering this.

In 2 years I will not be ready, I have plans which for now, a child will not fit into. IF I was to have a child it would have to be when I am 100% settled in the home I want to stay in forever.

I don't feel mature enough, or capable of giving a child what it needs to grow up balanced and content.

I would not make a good mother, and while absolutely sure he would be a great father, isn't it easier for a man to say "I want kids" than it is for a woman?

Maybe I'm afraid of being left holding the baby (*badum tish*) if a social thing comes up etc. I fear I would loose more freedom than he would (this is evident even when we got our dog).

I'm still selfish enough to worry about the effect a baby would have on my figure. I'm a worrier by nature and I can imagine driving myself mad through pregnacy and the rest of my life if I had a child to worry about. I'm not as dead against having them as I was even a few months ago, but I'm not at a stage where I want them, I don't know if I ever will be.

We have spoken about this, and either way, he wants us to get married, but I don't have the right to stand in his way of having kids. So if he decides he definately wants them, and I decide I definately don't there really is only one thing to do . What if he is hoping I'll change my mind in a few years? What if I do but it's too late then!? So my questions are - How did you know you wanted kids? How did you know you were ready for kids? Did you have loads of fears before having kids, or even before deciding to have them? Maybe I just have some more growing up to do

LegacyUser

I can kinda understand what you're going through OP, my own fiancé wants children sooner than I do. You two need to talk about this and see how much leeway there is. He may say now that he wants to get married anyway but it could happen that in 3 or 4 years down the line his desire for children may have grown but you may still not feel ready.

Perhaps you could stay unmarried for now and agree to revisit the situation in a few years. Surely he doesn't have a time limit on when he wants to have children? Or at least, not too strict a time limit? Because pressure doesn't usually help when trying to concieve,

It must feel like the walls are closing in to hear him jump from "I'd maybe like a kid at some stage" to "I want kids in the next two years." Just make sure he knows how you feel about not being ready. If you don't say anything he'll think that you're on board with it all and it will only get more difficult to tell him that you don't feel the same way.

galwaybob

Look OP bringing children into the world is a big deal and your fears are perfectly natural. Having kids just because your boyfriend wants them is absolute madness. This needs to be something you both agree on and at 25 and 26 you really have all the time in the world yet.
Personally I feel people are time enough having kids once they get past the 30 mark. Once you have kids you have them for the rest of your life, the few years without that responsibility should be treasured and not conceded easily. Talk to your fella and let him know your not ready yet but are willing to look at the issue a few years down the line. At the end of the day if he cant handle that then he is the one that needs to grow up.

Oh The Humanity

Maybe I'm afraid of being left holding the baby (*badum tish*) if a social thing comes up etc. I fear I would loose more freedom than he would (this is evident even when we got our dog).

You see thats the thing. And if you have seen this in motion already with the dog, then I think you are right to be concerned.

Ive noticed sometimes with friends (couples) the fella is all eager to have a baby, but they still expect the woman to do most of the work and primary care.

The reality is you will lose your freedom for at least 20 years. You cant go anywhere alone, you will be the one to have to endure the pregnancy, birth.

The fella probably has a rose tinted spectacles view of the whole thing.
He is probably thinking of having a football team but who is going to have to feed them at night and get stretch marks and put on weight and be covered in vomit and change nappies.....

A lot of times the man is totally idealistic about it. Its the woman who often seems to get the sh1tty end of the stick. Offer to babysit for a newish born baby the next time you can and let him do the night, see how keen he is then!

sachamama

babies? wrote: »

In 2 years I will not be ready, I have plans which for now, a child will not fit into. IF I was to have a child it would have to be when I am 100% settled in the home I want to stay in forever.

hello!

there are two statements here, both of them are not realistic. I'll start with the second one as that's the easiest one - we never get the home we want to stay in forever. so it wont happen. you'll always want to move change and grow, and thats part of being alive. and staying in the same place doesn't fit that growth part of life, you could feel trapped if you feel you are never going to move again.

bringing me onto your first statement - how do you know who you will be in 2 years time? How can you guess that you will be exactly the same as you are now? what types of crises might you experience in the next 2 years that will change your life forever? who will you meet? what will you experience? These are things you cannot predict, and things that will always affect you as a person. To address the second part - you can always shape shift your life so a child fits into it, if the child is wanted. I'm sure you have great plans for a career, and there is no reason to change those. but again, you are fixing ideas down and holding onto something that is not realistic. perhaps when you say you have some growing up to do you meant that you need to learn how to let go of fixed ideas like this one which just don't fit reality.

when you are ready for children you will open up and not be worried about your figure, or making a child fit into your social life. You'll know that a child is the biggest gift you can ever have, one that brings more love into your life than a man ever could. You'll not want to be away from your baby for very long, and you'll be thrilled in the joys of watching them grow. Everything changes when a baby comes. There's no way to understand this until you are already there.

i've always wanted children, and I knew i was ready to have them when I felt free of the influence of both my mother and father in my life. there's two parts to it then - wanting the children, and being ready for them. I think you still have to work on the "do i want them?" part first.

Walk in beauty

LegacyUser

So pretty much the first thing they ask you in every pre-marriage course is "How many kids do you want?".

The reason they ask is that if both people come up with wildly different answers then it's a total red-flag for the relationship. Lots of marriages break down when couples discover that one does not want kids, or they discover they can't have kids. Sad but true. I'd talk about this long and hard before getting married.

Both me and my wife were keen on kids, but we both wanted to start in our late 20's (28 as it turned out). I think as you get a little older you the whole idea becomes a lot more attractive. I certainly think around 30 is the ideal time to start having kids. (that's a full 5 years away)

By then, you've had a chance to live your own life, and you're not too old for the sleepless nights and the general being a parent.

Any everyone is frightened before they have kids. Those that are not, bloody should be

And yes, you will be left holding the baby, but you'd be amazed how quickly babies turn into toddlers and toddlers turn into little boys and girls.

maxwell smart

Can I give you my (male) perspective?I have two kids, 5 and 3. Kids are bloody hard work, my wife wanted them much more than I did, not saying I was against the idea or anything, after all the sacrifices a male makes when dealing with a pregnancy are tiny compared to what a woman signs up for.

How did we know we were ready? It just felt right I guess. Always know I would want kids someday and we thought it would be better to have them as young as possible (me 30,her 28). We won't stay in the house we live in now forever, infact, I would hate for us to be in the house of our dreams with small kids as they would wreck it!!


You will not believe the anger and rage you will both feel towards the child when it wakes you up at night, all night every night. When it gets sick over you, when it destroys something that you spent ages getting (examples are things like work documents, small trinkets you might have picked up in the deepest amazon etc).
Sometimes you will want to scream at the injustice of it all, you will think to yourself, "Why did I have kids!!!!"

BUT.....when you see that little face looking up at you, with a look that says you are everything to that child, provider, protector, educator you will wonder to yourself how you get so angry and how you could think of not wanting kids.

Thats my piece, hope it helps, but whatever you decide, you both need to want them.

pookie82

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

You see thats the thing. And if you have seen this in motion already with the dog, then I think you are right to be concerned.

Ive noticed sometimes with friends (couples) the fella is all eager to have a baby, but they still expect the woman to do most of the work and primary care.

The reality is you will lose your freedom for at least 20 years. You cant go anywhere alone, you will be the one to have to endure the pregnancy, birth.

The fella probably has a rose tinted spectacles view of the whole thing.
He is probably thinking of having a football team but who is going to have to feed them at night and get stretch marks and put on weight and be covered in vomit and change nappies.....

A lot of times the man is totally idealistic about it. Its the woman who often seems to get the sh1tty end of the stick. Offer to babysit for a newish born baby the next time you can and let him do the night, see how keen he is then!

I couldn't agree more. It's a lot easier for a man to announce that he would like "a few" kids and expect it to happen than for a woman. He's not the one who will have to go through the drastic physical and hormonal changes, he won't have to face the pain and dangers of childbirth or the risk of post natal depression and never getting your old body back (I don't think it's selfish to want to regain the figure of your youth after having a baby, but it won't always happen) and if he continues to work throughout the pregnancy and after he won't be the one at home all day with a tiny, needy, helpless, screaming child.

I make the whole thing sound awful, i know, and personally I do want children despite all that, but you, OP, sound very definitely like someone who does not, at least not yet, and maybe never. You need to listen to that and you need him to listen to that too. It's far far too huge of a commitment to take a chance on. In my eyes, having a child with someone is a bigger and more profound commitment than marriage could ever be, so it needs to be treated with the seriousness it deserves.

You're gambling with a potentially new life here and one that could be greatly affected if you make the wrong decision, so sit him down and tell him all of what you wrote here (or show this to him). Now is the time to sort this out - when you're already married with a massive mortgage is not the time to decide that you fundamentally want different things from life.

LegacyUser

I agree 100% with everything Pookie 82 wrote. No point getting into a marriage and mortgage and then deciding that you both want fundamentally different things in life. You say you need to grow up a bit. i don't think you do, I think your boyfriend needs to. Is sounds as if he is making it up as he goes along. First he wants no kids, then one kid and now he wants to start having KIDS in the space of two years. He knows how you feel but wants to get married anyway. You are only 25 and why should you give up your freedom so young. In 2 years time at 27 you will still be young so of course you should be feeling a bit panicked if you feel the pressure to suddenly become all maternal in that time. 30 or early thirties is time enough to start a family in my opinion. Sit him down and make sure he understands that you are nowhere near ready to have children yet and may never be. Ask him what he expects from the marriage, are you enough or does he need to have children to make it a 'proper' marriage? These questions really need to be addressed before you get married. You might ask him if he would be willing to stay home with the child while you concentrate on your career. It might open his eyes a bit to the reality of what he is expecting of you.

LegacyUser

babies? wrote: »

Perhaps the fact I am even asking this question on an internet forum should be enough for me to say "NO WAY NOT READY" but some impartial advice could be just what I need.

I'm 25 and engaged. Until recently, whenever the talk of kids came up, both myself and my fiance (26) said that we don't want them and are happy as we are. I could never ever see myself as a mother figure, I worry that I will drop them, sticky hands on my clothes are not nice, I just can't wipe a snotty nose (eewwwe), I'm terrified I'll hurt them. Give me a kid, I freeze, I'm totally lost.

About a month ago, he started saying that maybe he wants a kid at some stage, this has gone from A kid to SOME KIDS and some stage has become IN 2 YEARS OR SO. I don't even know how to begin considering this.

In 2 years I will not be ready, I have plans which for now, a child will not fit into. IF I was to have a child it would have to be when I am 100% settled in the home I want to stay in forever.

I don't feel mature enough, or capable of giving a child what it needs to grow up balanced and content.

I would not make a good mother, and while absolutely sure he would be a great father, isn't it easier for a man to say "I want kids" than it is for a woman?

Maybe I'm afraid of being left holding the baby (*badum tish*) if a social thing comes up etc. I fear I would loose more freedom than he would (this is evident even when we got our dog).

I'm still selfish enough to worry about the effect a baby would have on my figure. I'm a worrier by nature and I can imagine driving myself mad through pregnacy and the rest of my life if I had a child to worry about. I'm not as dead against having them as I was even a few months ago, but I'm not at a stage where I want them, I don't know if I ever will be.

We have spoken about this, and either way, he wants us to get married, but I don't have the right to stand in his way of having kids. So if he decides he definately wants them, and I decide I definately don't there really is only one thing to do . What if he is hoping I'll change my mind in a few years? What if I do but it's too late then!? So my questions are - How did you know you wanted kids? How did you know you were ready for kids? Did you have loads of fears before having kids, or even before deciding to have them? Maybe I just have some more growing up to do

Hi Op, Perfectly normal reaction i feel like i could have written your post, I felt exactly the same, I am a bit older now 32 but I am someone who listens to myself and knows when something is right for me and this is such a big commitment i believe you have to be in the right place mentally and physically.

I felt that there were times when i could not look after myself properly let alone children but my BF was in a job where he had his business running well and it would have been fine for him if we were to get pregnant, i was finishing college and exploring what i wanted to do but this was 3 years ago now.


We are going out together for 13 years, we are not married and we have no children, We did a lot of work on ourselves with regard to any baggage we had coming into the relationship and we also came together in our relationship and matured. We always tried to not put pressure on having to be anything other than ourselves.

Now at 32 i am much more sure of what i want in life and i now work from home and love being at home and because we have some financial security and we are so happy together we are feeling like next year could be the right time.

I also had the insecurities about my figure changing and i have been working out with a friend who is a trainer I take my time with everything, so if i do want to have a baby next year i will have been preparing my body with not a massive amount of pressure.


My boyfriend was supportive.... well he did not really have much choice because i was never going to have a baby until i felt secure enough to. The image of being left holding the baby scared the life out of me too, because my mother had been left like that. I trust him more now, and we have changed his career to work from home too so he will be as hands on as me!

So unless all of these things were right for me i knew i would never have children. It is important as women now to expect nothing less, and i think it is very wise to wait until both people are ready.

Is there pressure to get married or are you really looking forward to it.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies, I'll go through some of them

Similar sit: He doesn't have a time limit as such, but wants to be young enough to enjoy kids and would like to have at least 1 before 30. He soon will be the only one of 5 siblings not to have a child. He has birth and babies around him constantly, but then his brothers, while good fathers, are not living with the girls who have their kids! No disrespect to his brothers or anything, but I just don't think he will get a realistic view on things through speaking to fathers who don't live with their children 24/7.

sachamama: you seem very much an earth mother type who adores kids and everything which they entail. I am not like that. People make plans all the time and work towards those plans, that is not being unrealistic. Also my plans do not involve career sooner I can give up work the better lol. I know what you are saying about me being someone diferent in 2 years, but what good is that now? We need to talk about it now, decide now for the future, if I can't guarantee that I will want kids in 2 years, it would be unfair to say otherwise on the chance I could be a different person, with different expectations from life. You see kids as a gift, and I'm sure they are, but you are obviously in a place in your life where you are willing to accept the gift (or indeed have accepted it) I am not in the place and therin lies my problem. People can tell me all manner of great things about kids, it wontmake a difference. I don't know if I want them or not, I'm currently swaying to not.

Maxwell: thank you for your male perspective, I think you are right, maybe in a few years I could begin to want children, but what if I don't and what if we get married then we both want different things. It seems too unfair that I have to guess how I will feel in 5 years!

Pookie: we aready have a mortgage and are not financially in a place where we can comfortably support a child. I agree what you are saying about having a child being a huge commitment, much bigger than marraige. If something goes wrong with marraige, 2 people get hurt, something goes wrong with a child involved, thats a whole little life affected.

"Ask him what he expects from the marriage, are you enough or does he need to have children to make it a 'proper' marriage?" <- this is a very good question, I have asked why he wants to all of a sudden (next logical step apparently) but never if I would be enough. I will ask him that later. I don't necessarily equate marraige with kids, nor kids with marraige. One of the strongest marraiges I know involve a couple married 16 years with no kids. One of the most content little babies I know is a child of friends of ours who feel no need to get married. Kids and marraige do not have to go hand in hand. Maybe my OH feels differently and more traditionally about it.

Unregistered - You sound so happy and content! Congrats on your decision and I hope it works out very well for you! Maybe when I am 30 or 32 I will want to have kids, but I feel like I've to make that decision now, before booking wedding etc and it's a lot of pressure for me. Maybe putting the wedding off until we know for sure what we want might be the best thing.

There is no pressure there to get married, I love him a lot, respect him a lot and know that he is a wonderful person. I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he feels the same. I just don't know where kids come into that for me.

LegacyUser

babies? wrote: »

Unregistered - You sound so happy and content! Congrats on your decision and I hope it works out very well for you! Maybe when I am 30 or 32 I will want to have kids, but I feel like I've to make that decision now, before booking wedding etc and it's a lot of pressure for me. Maybe putting the wedding off until we know for sure what we want might be the best thing.

There is no pressure there to get married, I love him a lot, respect him a lot and know that he is a wonderful person. I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he feels the same. I just don't know where kids come into that for me.

Hi OP me again,

it sounds like your very aware of your feelings and what you want right now, your fiancee needs to accept you for who you are and not put any pressure on, getting married is a huge thing in itself to be concentrating on right now.

I think you could say to him that he is putting pressure on for kids now and to have the wedding and family thing all sewn up at the one time, but realistically you are not your BF's brother or his family who are married with kids, and you have your own pace and relationship thats right for you.

This could be a good opportunity for you to sit down together and start the communication of each others needs, me and the BF did a few therapy sessions together it was such a great help. There is more marital counseling out there even a session or two would help greatly if you felt like it. Issues like this are raised and explored and it really helps to work some of these issues through.


The thing is that if your BF is lookin around at brothers and friends yearning for what they have he is turning away from you and who you are, Tell him how important it is to have his support right now as your partner and to be proud of who you are now, the children are something for future exploration but right now he is missing out on all the fun wedding stuff,

Communicating and coming together will really help going forward,

you sound like your an independent woman and know what you want so i would not worry too much and marrying the man of your dreams is very exciting, congrats!!

sachamama

babies? wrote: »

There is no pressure there to get married, I love him a lot, respect him a lot and know that he is a wonderful person. I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he feels the same. I just don't know where kids come into that for me.

Sounds like all you have to do is say this to him then and there isn't an issue? Maybe just working out what you actually want separate to all this, letting him know that you just are not sure you want children, whatever about being ready for them. And to decide not to get married to each other until you are sure you know what you want, and it matches his wants? its not something you can decide today, or tomorrow. so take the time to do it properly and give yourself the space to have the life that you want to have.

and thank you for saying im an earth mother! i'll take that as a compliment :):)