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BF won't communicate

  • 21-06-2009 3:11pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    my bf and i have been going out over a year now and im finding it really difficult to communicate with him about sexual matters. hes very shy when it comes to talking about sex and would never dream of sending me a dirty text or anything. id love him to, but thats a bit beside the point. ive been reading the threads about oral sex here and everyone is saying the key is to ask him. ive tried that, but he wont tell me. i asked him before how i could give him a better bj and he just said "oh its fine the way you do it". i dont want it to be fine, i want it to be mind-blowing. he wont give me any proper answers if i ask him what i can do better in any area of sex, he always just says its fine as it is. he wont even show me how he likes handjobs. were not kids either, hes 29 and has had loads of previous relationships and sexual partners. i havent had much experience with other guys cuz i was a bit of a late starter so i still feel like im learning.its making me a bit paranoid and self-conscious because ive convinced myself that fine just means mediocre, and i want to be the best hes ever had. but how can i do that if he wont tell me how i can improve?

    its almost made me shy about broaching things id like to do because im scared hell just reject it off-hand. i absolutely adore him but its starting to get me down. should i just take his word that hes happy with what im doing, and accept hes never going to think of the sex as amazing, or should i keep asking him in the hope hell finally tell me what hed like?


Comments

  • #2
    Eun
    Closed Accounts Posts: 35 ✭Eun


    Many guys are very quiet when it comes to sex and dirty talk. I don't know why...its like they are shy or not open to it. Personally I don't like the bjs because it makes me cum too fast. Could that be his problem maybe?

    I must admit im not really open to talking about how to make sex better, it makes me feel wierd somehow, maybe he feels this too?

    Does he drink? maybe you could get him drunk and then ask him? :D
    Thats the only way id talk about it...maybe its a bit mean but I can see it from your point of view that it is very hard to talk to a guy about sex if hes shy about it. I don't really have any more ideas, since he won't talk about it, theres not much you have to go on.:confused:

    Good luck


  • #3
    studiorat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,408 ✭✭✭studiorat


    Not all that uncommon. I was like that for years. A mixture of being a little shy and afraid of saying the wrong thing too. Stop putting him on the spot by asking questions for the moment and work on it another way.

    My gf managed to coax it out of me after a while. Buy making me say Vagina to her again and again!!! Vagina vagina vagina!!! :D We ended up laughing about how words can be hard to say sometimes. We had a game for a while where we both had to try and say something that would freak the other out. Actually made us very close and turned me into the foul mouthed pervert I am now.

    Seriously though, bit by bit you can make him more comfortable talking about it. Just don't ask questions all the time, tell him what you like and ask him does he like it too.

    The questions were always the hardest to answer and talking dirty always made me afraid of saying the wrong thing and really putting my size 10's in it.


  • #4
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Good advice from the Studiorat above (couldn't resist that LOL)

    Hi frustrated - as a guy I feel for the situation. It's not an easy one and you have your work cut out. I am glad you love him.

    I suggest backing off for now and letting him relax. Only through being relaxed will he ever get past what is likely to be a cocktail of shame/guilt/fear/self-control issues.

    I would also suggest that you follow studiorat's suggestion of coaxing your way toward the direction you want rather than dragging or pushing him. When you are cuddling on the couch on in the bed ... play the horny girlfriend from time to time, in a quiet, low-key and passive way, for short periods... not making anything of his response. Just do it regularly ... and introduce little bits of dirty words gently, in passing, while in those situations... and move on. Do this over a period and see if he can be coaxed out of his shell. Do it especially when the lights are out and he is protected. When you are having sex, tell him to say one fairly tame dirty word ... and only one each week ... and move it along week by week... without him ever realising...

    Who knows what will work.. just a few ideas :) . . . and if it works over time, then maybe he will tell you what to do to make it better. However on this topic, remember why we give oral.... it is to please our partner... and clearly he is already pleased. Its not a competition.. and it's not like in the movies... especially the blue ones ;)

    all the best .


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