F%ckbuddy confusion

LegacyUser

I've had a f*ckbuddy for the past 3 years. We have amazing sexual chemistry.
I've been pretty good at putting rules in place and making sure we both stick to them. Though things have slipped the past 6 months - sleeping over, very intimate 'bonding' conversations, cuddling etc.

When this started he had a girlfriend (yes I know the moral implications of this and I'm not looking for commentary on this) so this ensured in my head that nothing would ever happen other than the sexual relationship.

His situation has changed in the last 3 months. He's now single. The thing is, he's been wanting to do things outside the bedroom...dating type things. He had been asking for a while to come out with me and my friends on a night out. That really floored me and I said now the first 5 times he's asked. Two weeks ago though I caved and let him. We got on great and had a fantastic night. But I was weirded out. I mean, f*ckbuddies shouldn't be doing this stuff right??

Obviously, I think things have gone in a different direction. I don't know if a relationship would ever come of this. I'm not sure I would want it for various reasons (not the least of which is not being able to trust him).

I'm torn though...he's fun, smart, sweet, and I suppose if I was being honest I could see myself in a relationship with him. I don't know if he would want one with me though. Maybe I'm just convenient for him right now. (I'm 33 and he's 31 so it's not like we're kids either)

I know you're going to say talk to him and tell him how I feel but I couldn't bear that! I couldn't bear to hear 'sorry but I'm not interested'. So what else do you recommend? End it? Or are there other things I can do to find out what he wants without coming out and asking?

Sorry for the long post....I'm just at witts end here. Thanks in advance for any advice.

CDfm

Hey you crossed the line.

Thats not a bad think as you have feelings and emotions but you cant roll back the time and go back.

PCPhoto

OP... I don't think you will be able to trust this guy and its unlikely that a relationship will be able to last.

you had a good thing - he was fine with the arrangement - now that he's singe he wants to do relationship stuff.... which is freaking you out given you were happy with things the way were.

you need to ask yourself .... do you want a relationship with this guy?
Do you think it could last? do you think he will stay faithful? or only until someone else comes along !!

after 3yrs .... thats a fairly long time to have a f&ckbuddy, he could have taken a look at his life and chosen that at this point he wants to settle down ...or he might be thinking that "you'll do"...for now.

suppose best thing to say is talk to him and find out where he sees it going ? why ruin a good thing ?

CDfm

Its really that you cant turn the clock back so you either need to have a full relationship or give it up.

LegacyUser

why would you want to go out with a guy that you know is capable of cheating on his girlfriend??!!!!

MIN2511

I don't think that's an issue... Cheating is a psychological thing, it's either you want to or not. Some people are born cheats, others do it once and never do it again and some just do it occasionally...
It's up to you to decide if you want to date him, if you say you can't trust him because he cheated on his ex with you. Can you trust yourself? From not sleeping with another man who has a gf?
I would think, you should forget trust for now. This has been going on for the last 3yrs, and both of ye are getting closer. Enjoy it now, if it doesn't last you can go back to fvck buddy situation or call it quits.

LegacyUser

Well no, the cheating is not the issue here. I don't buy into the issue of once a cheater always a cheater (and that's not want I want the focus of this thread to be). Also, to the person who asked can I trust myself...where did I ever say I cheated on someone? I never have and hopefully never will. Again, that's irrelevant.

As another poster said, yes a line has been crossed here and yes, we can't go back but my question is what do I do? Just keep doing what we're doing? As I said, I think I'd like to find out if he wants a relationship (I'm assuming the 'meet the friends' desire of his might be some indication of this but I don't know). My question was how do I find out without coming straight out with it?

Or maybe I should just end this thing because fb relationships generally never work as real relationships.

I'm so confused.....

VaioCruiser

unregxxx wrote: »

I know you're going to say talk to him and tell him how I feel but I couldn't bear that! I couldn't bear to hear 'sorry but I'm not interested'. So what else do you recommend? End it? Or are there other things I can do to find out what he wants without coming out and asking?

Sorry for the long post....I'm just at witts end here. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi there ...
Firstly I would say that I see absolutely no reason why you cannot date properly. Why not ? There's no rule that says you can't. The past is irrelevant.
Secondly you need to take a breath and step back and think about what YOU want in your life. Do you want this guy to be a real part of your life ? Do you want to find another guy ? Where would you like to see yourself in 10 years time ? Is he a guy you would want to have kids with ?

Thirdly, look... sometimes in life we have to bite the bullet and sit and talk with the person we love and we HAVE to take risks. Otherwise we have a choice between a quick stab of disappointment or a long lingering death of a relationship. I know which one I would prefer.

Fear is the biggest obstacle here. Fear of being rejected. Fear of losing out on some other magical prince

I say get into dating and enjoy it; talk to him about this being the real thing and not something where he can go and see other people. Make sure you have some confidence in him agreeing to that. Then just relax and enjoy life.

All the best.

Aseth

OP I'm afraid that the only way to find out is ask. It might be hard but we here are doing exactly the same thing as you: guessing your f-buddy feelings.
You don't have to ask him directly if he would like to be your bf, instead try asking him if he's happy with being your f-buddy or maybe he would like to change the rules? You can hint that you wouldn't normally introduce him to your friends unless he was a proper bf. If you approach it that way you are not revealing anything but at the same time you're asking for explanation for his behaviour.

MIN2511

Unregxxx wrote: »

Well no, the cheating is not the issue here. I don't buy into the issue of once a cheater always a cheater (and that's not want I want the focus of this thread to be). Also, to the person who asked can I trust myself...where did I ever say I cheated on someone? I never have and hopefully never will. Again, that's irrelevant.

As another poster said, yes a line has been crossed here and yes, we can't go back but my question is what do I do? Just keep doing what we're doing? As I said, I think I'd like to find out if he wants a relationship (I'm assuming the 'meet the friends' desire of his might be some indication of this but I don't know). My question was how do I find out without coming straight out with it?

Or maybe I should just end this thing because fb relationships generally never work as real relationships.

I'm so confused.....

I asked you if you can trust yourself.
You didn't cheat, but you knew he was cheating on her with you and you have been the other woman for over 2yrs... I don't see the difference... If you had a problem with cheats, you would have stopped the 'situation' when you found out he was dating someone else.

VaioCruiser

MIN2511 wrote: »

I asked you if you can trust yourself.
You didn't cheat, but you knew he was cheating on her with you and you have been the other woman for over 2yrs... I don't see the difference... If you had a problem with cheats, you would have stopped the 'situation' when you found out he was dating someone else.

I find this obsession with "cheats" and "cheating" rather sad. When a person goes with a another who is not their existing girl/boy friend then it is entirely their decision and their responsibility. It is quite appalling to suggest that 3rd party has done anything wrong by "proxy" or whatever.
And this 'thing' about cheating ... Life is not a game. Life is not some kind of children's play rehearsal with a nanny wagging her finger at bold children.

Real adults strive to navigate their way through life as best they can. Life brings tough challenges, obstacles, causes a lot of pain and scars and along the way real adults make mistakes, make wrong decisions and sometimes look after themselves first before anyone else. Everyone has the capability of doing this, including having relationships with people other than their current partner. That is the way life is.
I suggest that it would be a lot more constructive to avoid splashing personal judgement around so liberally and sanctimoniously, and being more constructive about solving people's real dilemmas and problems.
Each time you point a finger - there's three pointing back at you....

Liam Byrne

VaioCruiser wrote: »

When a person goes with a another who is not their existing girl/boy friend then it is entirely their decision and their responsibility. It is quite appalling to suggest that 3rd party has done anything wrong by "proxy" or whatever.

While yes, if someone is going to cheat then it's THEIR decision, and they might well just cheat elsewhere if someone tells them no.....the fact is that if you hook up with someone that you know is "taken" then you're culpable too, and should have more respect for yourself and for their partner.

Not judging the OP (as such) but just stating a fact.

As for making the transition from FB to relationship....can be a tough one.....

If he's on for a relationship and since you've said that you are too, then give it a go.....what's the worst that could happen ?

If he starts a new relationship with someone else, then he may stop the FB and the OP might be on here having missed a window of opportunity.....

VaioCruiser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

While yes, if someone is going to cheat then it's THEIR decision, and they might well just cheat elsewhere if someone tells them no.....the fact is that if you hook up with someone that you know is "taken" then you're culpable too, and should have more respect for yourself and for their partner.

Not judging the OP (as such) but just stating a fact.

I don't wish to labour a point - because I feel we all have our opinion and point of view... but it is most definitely NOT a fact... it is your opinion.

This lady has no reason to lack respect for herself or the partner to whom she has no responsibility.

That is my opinion - not a fact - just my opinion.

All the best.

epik

You've come this far.. May as well go for it. After 3 years you have something. It could evolve into something amazing or maybe this is the catalyst to the conclusion. Either way more interesting than not going for it.

*Page*

hey op

i think 1st you need to know which way to go....
keep him as a f budy or move on to a solid level (dating) or finish it

if you just want to keep it as budies you just have to pull back. stop the nights over and the cuddling, go a little cold towards him, that should let him know where you want things to stay....

now if you want a relationship, this is something that you will need to voice. because you wont know if he's just using you to fill in the lonely hours till he finds a new gf.

or the other one... finishing things. you know how goes that goes....

good luck

MIN2511

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I find this obsession with "cheats" and "cheating" rather sad. When a person goes with a another who is not their existing girl/boy friend then it is entirely their decision and their responsibility. It is quite appalling to suggest that 3rd party has done anything wrong by "proxy" or whatever.
And this 'thing' about cheating ... Life is not a game. Life is not some kind of children's play rehearsal with a nanny wagging her finger at bold children.

Real adults strive to navigate their way through life as best they can. Life brings tough challenges, obstacles, causes a lot of pain and scars and along the way real adults make mistakes, make wrong decisions and sometimes look after themselves first before anyone else. Everyone has the capability of doing this, including having relationships with people other than their current partner. That is the way life is.
I suggest that it would be a lot more constructive to avoid splashing personal judgement around so liberally and sanctimoniously, and being more constructive about solving people's real dilemmas and problems.
Each time you point a finger - there's three pointing back at you....

It takes two to tango, i don't care about labelling people as cheats but my opinion is she knew he was cheating and it didn't bother her. Obviously if they start dating she'd have no issues cheating on him or him cheating on her.

LegacyUser

MIN2511 wrote: »

start dating she'd have no issues cheating on him

How in god's name do you arrive at that conclusion????? Just to clarify for you - cheating on someone means you are having relations with someone other than your spouse. I have not done that. I have not cheated. Just because I've had sex with someone who was attached does not mean that I cheat or have a desire to cheat. Quite the opposite in fact. I've always been faithful in relationships!

Thanks for the other comments. Yeah I've decided that I think I need to find out about the possibility of a relationship and if there is none, I have to end it. But how do I do this without coming right out with it???? There must be ways to send out 'feelers' before I totally bite the bullet and potentially make a fool of myself??? Help :-(

snowy2008

you said your both not kids so start being a grown up and just say it out straight!!!!!!

VaioCruiser

Unregxxx wrote: »

How in god's name do you arrive at that conclusion????? Just to clarify for you - cheating on someone means you are having relations with someone other than your spouse. I have not done that. I have not cheated. Just because I've had sex with someone who was attached does not mean that I cheat or have a desire to cheat. Quite the opposite in fact. I've always been faithful in relationships!

Thanks for the other comments. Yeah I've decided that I think I need to find out about the possibility of a relationship and if there is none, I have to end it. But how do I do this without coming right out with it???? There must be ways to send out 'feelers' before I totally bite the bullet and potentially make a fool of myself??? Help :-(

Please stop with the fool thing ... ok ? you are NOT a fool and nothing you do will make you a fool! Only someone looking for love, like the rest of us.

Fear of the unknown is the toughest thing to overcome. The fear of losing a 3 year safety net that you have been able to rely on. But up to now, I would suggest to you that although it has been fantastic sex, it is essentially a substitute for a real relationship.

If you read other threads on this forum you will see how we go through break ups and make ups, and ups and downs. How tough it is to end a relationship and find another. But people do it all the time. It is part of the whole life's journey thing, and part of what makes it so wonderful is the new discoveries, the new people you meet and fall in love with.

Please don't be afraid. ease into it... let the dating thing develop and along the way have a conversation. Take a chance.

I am so glad you are not buying into the obsession with cheating that pervades this forum. Generally speaking I have found that those who shout loudest are the frustrated ones who haven't the guts to admit they want to do it too.

All the best.

CDfm

Unregxxx wrote: »

Thanks for the other comments. Yeah I've decided that I think I need to find out about the possibility of a relationship and if there is none, I have to end it. But how do I do this without coming right out with it???? There must be ways to send out 'feelers' before I totally bite the bullet and potentially make a fool of myself??? Help :-(

Suggest a weekend away somewhere down country and see what happens

star.chaser

just had a look at this relationship issues part of the site today. anyone else notice a lot of these are posted by unregistered guests and the initial postings are of similar format? someone with a wild imagination at work here? some of them just don't seem to read right either.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar position as the OP but it actually ended this afternoon. We never set any real 'rules' from the get-go & never really knew when to keep the distance. I grew closer through time while he stayed in control the entire time & kept some distance. I'd be lying if I said it's not hurting but I do know we will see each other out in town every other week & I am not looking forward to the first time I see him with another girl but life will move on with or without him.

To the OP: we were not together for as long as you have been & I seriously wish you so much luck and above all, peace of mind once and for all

MIN2511

Unregxxx wrote: »

How in god's name do you arrive at that conclusion????? Just to clarify for you - cheating on someone means you are having relations with someone other than your spouse. I have not done that. I have not cheated. Just because I've had sex with someone who was attached does not mean that I cheat or have a desire to cheat. Quite the opposite in fact. I've always been faithful in relationships!

Thanks for the other comments. Yeah I've decided that I think I need to find out about the possibility of a relationship and if there is none, I have to end it. But how do I do this without coming right out with it???? There must be ways to send out 'feelers' before I totally bite the bullet and potentially make a fool of myself??? Help :-(

I don't think you understand what i mean... I am not attacking you, i have no issues with cheating or cheats... If it happens to me, if i can't handle it i'd walk away and if i can then happy days....

At the end of the day ye are not kids, i believe time will tell in such situations.

Goodluck

LegacyUser

Mili - if you have no problem with cheaters why are you insinuating that I am incapable of fidelity when I've not cheated?


As for telling him. I can't! I think I have huge issues with rejection. So I've decided to end it and ask him never to contact me again. I'd say it's for the best.

Thanks to those who replied with some useful advice.

amy-marie

Unregxxx wrote: »

As for telling him. I can't! I think I have huge issues with rejection. So I've decided to end it and ask him never to contact me again. I'd say it's for the best.

My best friend is always telling me "if you're not willing to make an arse of yourself you don't deserve to be in love." You're afraid of rejection. Okay. So who isn't? Is the temporary embarassment worse than missing out on an opportunity at a proper relationship? At worst, he's not interested (and to me it sounds like he his) and you take a hit to your pride. I say go for it.

zuroph

sounds to me like you're being chicken, you've got an opportuinty for a relationship here and you're walking away?! what have you got to lose if it doesnt work out, since you're cutting contact now anyway?! time to grow up and give it a shot, if it works out great, if it doesnt, no harm no foul, you were gonna cut contact anyway. Guy sounds like he likes you, you sound like you like him, whats stopping ye?! Just cos he was cheating on his ex with you doesnt mean this will be the same. maybe he always wanted you, maybe the ex was a lame attempt to garner jealousy from you, you never know what the story is here.

JonathanAnon

As a bloke, I would think he's just at a loose end at the weekends now that his other relationship has broken up.

He had no problem cheating on his previous girl. He never left her for you, it just happened independently (from what you say, correct me if I'm wrong), so what makes you think that he thinks you're so "special" now. Would he not have left his girlfriend for you if he really cared that much?

That fact that he would carry on a continuous affair behind her back for three years demonstrates his abilities at deception. I have a few friends like that, and it's probably unlikely that he will change.

Novella

unregxxx wrote: »

I've had a f*ckbuddy for the past 3 years. We have amazing sexual chemistry.
I've been pretty good at putting rules in place and making sure we both stick to them. Though things have slipped the past 6 months - sleeping over, very intimate 'bonding' conversations, cuddling etc.

When this started he had a girlfriend (yes I know the moral implications of this and I'm not looking for commentary on this) so this ensured in my head that nothing would ever happen other than the sexual relationship.

His situation has changed in the last 3 months. He's now single. The thing is, he's been wanting to do things outside the bedroom...dating type things. He had been asking for a while to come out with me and my friends on a night out. That really floored me and I said now the first 5 times he's asked. Two weeks ago though I caved and let him. We got on great and had a fantastic night. But I was weirded out. I mean, f*ckbuddies shouldn't be doing this stuff right??

Obviously, I think things have gone in a different direction. I don't know if a relationship would ever come of this. I'm not sure I would want it for various reasons (not the least of which is not being able to trust him).

I'm torn though...he's fun, smart, sweet, and I suppose if I was being honest I could see myself in a relationship with him. I don't know if he would want one with me though. Maybe I'm just convenient for him right now. (I'm 33 and he's 31 so it's not like we're kids either)

I know you're going to say talk to him and tell him how I feel but I couldn't bear that! I couldn't bear to hear 'sorry but I'm not interested'. So what else do you recommend? End it? Or are there other things I can do to find out what he wants without coming out and asking?

Sorry for the long post....I'm just at witts end here. Thanks in advance for any advice.

You said you're not sure you even want a relationship with him so before you do anything you should probably figure out what exactly YOU WANT.

There isn't really anything you can do other than asking him. I mean you can keep guessing and annoying yourself but the easiest thing would be to just say it to him. If he says he isn't interested, fair enough. At least you can stop wasting your time. If he is interested, you can reap the rewards.

VaioCruiser

Unregxxx wrote: »

As for telling him. I can't! I think I have huge issues with rejection. So I've decided to end it and ask him never to contact me again. I'd say it's for the best.

Thanks to those who replied with some useful advice.

Sweetheart - it is your life and I respect what you decide to do.

I would just say to you - that life is short. Love is difficult to find and illusive even when we find it. Rejection is tough, yes, but a lot nicer than years of regret.

Do what you think is right.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Hiya OP here.

Well someone accused me of being a chicken. Yes you're right. I'm such a coward. I actually finished things with him on Friday. No real explanation just that I didn't want to see him anymore. He just accepted it. After a couple of days he finally acknowleged my text and said best of luck to me. That was it.

I'm actually heartbroken...I'm shocked by this. I've been crying non-stop for days. I've never done this over a man so that's why I'm surprised. Think I cared about him more than I realised.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I suppose what's done is done now and there's no going back.

LegacyUser

unregxxx wrote: »

I'm actually heartbroken...I'm shocked by this. I've been crying non-stop for days. I've never done this over a man so that's why I'm surprised. Think I cared about him more than I realised.

I suppose what's done is done now and there's no going back.

It did take him a few days to acknowledge so maybe it isnt as clear cut as you think.

As with the no going back - well are you hurting yourself by not exploring the options.

zuroph

sorry to hear your hurting. Look, nothings final yet. Before you do anything, give it a few weeks to think it over when its not fresh, then see what you want to do. He might text u in d meantime. He might not. Just, see how you are in a few weeks.

LegacyUser

thanks zuroph, that's good advice and i think i'll take it...though i'll just wait a couple of weeks.

zuroph

let me know how you get on

Joey the lips

I am tempted to say why are you going out with a guy who cheated on his girlfriend. But then again why not~!

The problem is if you fall for him will he let you down. Then again is it a case that he now only understands love with you.

Its a difficult one to understand and the decision is down to you. Can you see him get emotionally attached and risk looeing it all if he does the dirt.

Then again do you possibly think he does actually love you?

Its a difficult one and one which I feel can only be answered by us that were in that situation... Which I doubt will be many

Best of luck