Guests Betting on Speeches

nicholas.murphy

Hi All,

We've all been at weddings, especially country ones, where tables will bet on the length of the speeches.

The guests on my bride's side won't know, but my mother is adamantly anti-gambling. We're therefore looking for a polite way to stop this happening.

We've tried spreading the word, but met with laughs of 'we'll keep it under the table'. Has anyone any suggestions?

Thanks in Advance,
Nick

gman2k

Tell everyone that the money raised has to go to a charity. Then it's not gambling, but fund raising!

hunnymonster

I'm strongly against people who can't dance getting very drunk and doing the chicken dance.... doesn't for one second mean I would expect people to stay sober at a wedding. Of course I don't know why your mum is so strongly against gambling but, TBH, I think you need to talk to your her again not your guests.

nicholas.murphy

HUNNYMONSTER - I share with you the pain of watching grown adults doing their best to relive a distant holiday memory whilst in a drunken haze; it's usually hilarious!

Everyone sets their moral barometer at a different level. As the groom I have to listen to, and respect, her wishes and do my best to accommodate. For example if she was a teetotaler, and she asked all our guests to follow suit, I'd have to explain that this would dampen the mood for everyone and spoil the day (and the dancing!). However she finds gamblng deeply offensive and seeing as it's not a necessary part of the celebration, I have to see what I can do.

We came up with the idea of spreading out the speeches between courses, but the hotel aren't going for that as it'll make ther life very difficult.

GMAN2K's idea of charity is good, but I'd take it a stage further and ask everyone to donate instead of gambling. I'm sure a healthy donation to Gambler’s Anonymous would make her day.

Any other suggestions?

prinz

Is this a new thing, because I've never come across it before... ... talk about childish..anyway

How about you tell them to knock it off, and remind them that after all it is YOUR wedding Whatever about the in-laws/parents being against something, if the groom makes a request, even if it is no alcohol or whatever, people should either respect his wishes or beat it IMO.

You're the groom, mate. It's your day. Tell 'em it aint welcome above or below the table. The fact that guests are laughing at you making one little serious request shows a lack of respect tbh.

LimeFruitGum

She might see it as being rude to the speakers?

Jumpy

Would you make it a no smoking wedding if your mother was adamantly anti-smoking?
Its your wedding. Your parents are guests but they dont run the show. Its your night, if she complains then tell her to lump it.

Above all - enjoy the night.

Jenroche

I second that. It's just a bit of fun, hardly Poker! It's YOUR wedding, not your Mum's. Tell her to lighten up.

Jen ;->

byhookorbycrook

It's more fun to put the money on a plate and move it on to the next person every thime someone says thanks in the speech.

Seoid

It's not very helpful to the OP to just tell him to tell his mother to just lighten up and deal with it! We don't know the history.
Having said that, I think it would be very difficult to stop - the problem is that it would only take one person to get it started!
I like the charity idea - maybe you (or groomsman or somebody - not the best man, probably!) could take charge of it and collect all the 'betting' money for charity. You could buy the winner a drink to congratulate them instead.

Or don't tell anybody that the money they're betting is going to charity - until the end when you thank the winner for their generous donation to Gambler's Anonymous!

I've been to a few weddings in the last 2 or 3 years and I've only ever seen this done once so it's hardly essential.

prinz

Jumpy wrote: »

Your parents are guests but they dont run the show. Its your night, if she complains then tell her to lump it.

The people planning on doing this are also guests...so They don't run the show either, and basically have paid no attention to the wishes of the groom, he doesnt have to be for it or against, but he did ask them no to do it. It is his night, so if he asks them no to, then they shouldn't do it.

dlambirl

Ok, firstly not every "country wedding" beats on the speeches!!

And secondly, even if a couple of tables do it, not all tables will.

And finally, any wedding i've been to that i've seen it happen - the bet was no more than €2-€3 each

Enii

I'd turn a blind eye to this......

Don't mention it in the speech (v. tacky if you do)......especially the bit about giving it to charity

Normally only 1 or 2 tables do it - you won't even notice it is going on

Jip

prinz wrote: »

Is this a new thing, because I've never come across it before... ... talk about childish..anyway

Every wedding I've been at has had it, both those in Dublin and 'country', which I thought Dublin was part of anyway. It's not chidlish, just good fun. Maybe you're kept of out the loop because of that exact attitide

Malari

Enii wrote: »

Normally only 1 or 2 tables do it - you won't even notice it is going on

This is what I thought. People giving speeches are not really aware of it - they are too concerned about not messing up! As long as your mother doesn't see exchanges of money blatently going on while someone is speaking (which is rude anyway) I don't see it being a major issue.

I think as long as she is aware that you have done your best to try to avoid it happening, that's all she could expect.

prinz

Jip wrote: »

Maybe you're kept of out the loop because of that exact attitide

Or maybe it's because when I'm at a wedding people have some respect for the occasion and the speech-givers, and in this case the groom.

Frankly I'm getting married myself later in the year and if I asked a guest to refrain from doing something completely unnecessary and they laughed at me (as in the case of the OP) I'd tell them to stay away.

I was replying to the fact that some posters see this as some sort of tradition that everyone gets involved with.... whereas (a) I've been at plenty of weddings and never seen it done and (b) I've never even heard of it being done before, regardless of my attitude to it.

oh well

only ever saw it once but it didn't bother anyone. But, if you are inviting people to your wedding in the hope that you and they will all enjoy the day and that they are people you want to help you to celebrate, you can no more enforce a betting ban than could you enforce a ban on people ordering a particular beer or wine, going out for a smoke, going to have a quiet drink in another bar or lobby. You can obviously expect a bit of good manners and decent behaviour, but the more you try to enforce something, the more certain people will just do the exact opposite. Assuming you know the people you are inviting and want them there on the day, you would have to accept them and their behaviour and hope that they don't disappoint you. If there is a past family problem with betting, you might get a better reaction if you ask people not to start it and explain things to them than just saying No Betting.

ecaf

I just wanted to second the opinion that nobody will notice it. Apparently there were people betting on speeches at our wedding, I think it was just one table, and I didn't know about it until BIL told me who had won the bet, and that table were right in front of us.

Has your mother expressly stated that she doesn't want betting on speeches? Or is she just anti-gambling in general? If it is just general anti-gambling, and given what I have said above, I can't see the harm. You have tried spreading the word, there is nothing more you can do, as far as I can see?

newtoboards

Your guests will do what they want regardless - you cannot make them not bet on speeches if they so choose. Speeches can be very personal to the families involved and can be a little on the boring side. With the betting you keep listening and it's funny. In fact I recommend these little kits to keep the guests entertained: http://content.paddypower.com/weddingsweepstakes/index.php

nicholas.murphy

Everyone - thanks for your views.

Just to clarify, I've not problem with this at all – I’ll be concentrating on my speech which is already 20 mins long and the wedding’s not for months!

However as mentioned, this request has come from my mother, so can't just tell her to 'lump it' or 'lighten up' as some have suggested even though it's my wedding. I don't know how other people treat their parents, but I have the utmost respect for mine.

Everyone is indeed there to enjoy themselves and so long as they're not insulting anyone then that's fine by me, but here’s where the problem lies - if gambling has affected someone's life in a very negative way their attitude changes and it's no longer funny. For guests to say they’re going to ignore this when they’ve been asked politely is what worries me. At the end of the day I’d rather my mother enjoy the day than my guests have their ‘bit of fun’.

I think a firmer word to the other side of the isle, maybe from the bride’s mother this time, might be in order to keep anyone from getting upset.

newtoboards

nicholas.murphy wrote: »

Everyone is indeed there to enjoy themselves and so long as they're not insulting anyone then that's fine by me, but here’s where the problem lies - if gambling has affected someone's life in a very negative way their attitude changes and it's no longer funny. For guests to say they’re going to ignore this when they’ve been asked politely is what worries me. At the end of the day I’d rather my mother enjoy the day than my guests have their ‘bit of fun’.

I think that telling guests to respect your mother's dislike of gambling during the speeches just shouldnt' be done. If it's so much of a problem, perhaps consider doing the speeches at the drinks reception or not doing them at all. You're forcing the views of your mother on everyone and this has nothing to do with a lack of respect for her but her lack of respect for alternative views.

Malari

nicholas.murphy wrote: »

Everyone is indeed there to enjoy themselves and so long as they're not insulting anyone then that's fine by me, but here’s where the problem lies - if gambling has affected someone's life in a very negative way their attitude changes and it's no longer funny. For guests to say they’re going to ignore this when they’ve been asked politely is what worries me. At the end of the day I’d rather my mother enjoy the day than my guests have their ‘bit of fun’.

I think a firmer word to the other side of the isle, maybe from the bride’s mother this time, might be in order to keep anyone from getting upset.

I understand your position, but surely your mother will appreciate the fact that you have done your best to avoid any gambling on behalf of your guests. If they don't respect your wishes that is really beyond your control. I don't think she would want you to start arguments with your friends on your wedding day in order to keep her happy?

rainbowtrout

Seoid wrote: »

It's not very helpful to the OP to just tell him to tell his mother to just lighten up and deal with it! We don't know the history.
Having said that, I think it would be very difficult to stop - the problem is that it would only take one person to get it started!
I like the charity idea - maybe you (or groomsman or somebody - not the best man, probably!) could take charge of it and collect all the 'betting' money for charity. You could buy the winner a drink to congratulate them instead.

Or don't tell anybody that the money they're betting is going to charity - until the end when you thank the winner for their generous donation to Gambler's Anonymous!

It's not like it happens at every table and you just can't take money off people and dictate to them that they have to give it to charity, it's their choice what they do with their money.

OP- I'd just ignore it, it probably won't happen at every table and it's not something that you would notice going on anyway. At any of the weddings I've been at I couldn't tell you what was going on at the next table let alone at the top table and I'm sure the reverse will be true also. It's not like people will be shouting and waving money, if it happens it will be a lot more discreet than that.

Plenty of people will have had bad experiences with gambling, alcohol etc in their lives, it doesn't mean they can force their views on everyone else.

Irish people also have a peculiar way of going out of their way to do something when it's been highlighted that they shouldn't. Most people probably won't even think of having a bet on the speeches unless it's mentioned to them. You could end up encouraging it without meaning to.

And if anything, if there is a bet on the speeches, it'll mean the guests are actually listening to them

djd80

I reckon everybody should just get over this. If your guests want to have a laugh and bet a few euros then so what, let them enjoy it. Telling people what they can and cannot do to this extent is only going to create a crappy atmosphere where the topic of conversation at the tables will be about how uptight the wedding party are.

If you are going to be bothered by silly things like this on the day then you're not going to enjoy yourself at all. It's the biggest day in your life maybe but to a lot of the guests it's just "another wedding", one of many they will attend. Might seem a bit harsh but it's true.

prinz

nicholas.murphy wrote: »

Everyone is indeed there to enjoy themselves and so long as they're not insulting anyone then that's fine by me, but here’s where the problem lies - if gambling has affected someone's life in a very negative way their attitude changes and it's no longer funny. For guests to say they’re going to ignore this when they’ve been asked politely is what worries me. At the end of the day I’d rather my mother enjoy the day than my guests have their ‘bit of fun’.

+1, if I make a polite and simple request of a guest attending my wedding and they laugh it off and ignore me I'll be telling them to feck off and not attend if they have that little respect for the groom.

seamus

You can't control your guests, nor should you be expected to.

If your mother complains that people are gambling, just feign ignorance. There's nothing you can or should do about it. Maybe just say it to the wedding party - usually the best man and groomsmen get asked about it - and tell them to toe the party line that your mother doesn't approve, and the guests will be discreet about it.

implausible

OP, you've obviously got great respect for your mother and that's good to see. However, I do find it strange that she is picking out this one thing that may happen at some weddings and wants you to control it (even taking personal issues into account).

As Seamus says, it's impossible to control the behaviour of a big crowd of people and you'll only cause yourself stress trying to do it and possibly encourage it. Sitting at the top table, most of the wedding party will be too nervous about the speeches or concentrating on them, to notice what is going on at the tables. Is your mother, on her son's big day, seriously going to be watching the tables instead of listening to you, the best man etc.?

Tell her you've sorted it out and then you've done your bit.

Is your mother involved in the wedding plans? I only ask because maybe she is feeling left out and is trying to get involved in some way.

Enii

prinz wrote: »

+1, if I make a polite and simple request of a guest attending my wedding and they laugh it off and ignore me I'll be telling them to feck off and not attend if they have that little respect for the groom.

I don't think it is polite to ask guests to behave in way that you want. People have the right to act in the way they want to!

sineadCharl

Totally respect your mothers views. I always think it's a bit of a laugh to have a bet but your mum is entitled as we all are to her own opinion.

People will have a few drinks on them by the time the speeches start, I have no idea how you're going to police that. You can say it to them before the wedding and spread the word that way, but there's no way people will stick to it.

asmobhosca

I was at a wedding recently where everyone at the table put 5 euro into a glass and during the speeches everytime someone said the word "thanks" in the speech the glass with the money moved to the next person.
The winner was the person left with the glass at the end of the speeches.
(He then used it to buy a round for the table) It was harmless fun but it was a good laugh at the same time...
IMO harmless fun and small money

Blazer

best thing is to catch them off guard and have the speeches first

Was setting up the speech betting last week at my cousin's wedding when out of the blue before the meal he started the speeches.
No point then betting
Wouldn't have won anyway as they were only about 20 mins in total for everyone

Jip

Eh, how would that work ? You just place your bets as the speeches start, that's what usually happens.

oh well

whatever you do, for gods sake, keep speech short, witty and don't ramble on and on thanking the world and his wife and all the people who helped bring ye together .... one of the worst things at weddings are the length of speeches and no wonder people started betting. Was a wedding of cousin few years ago and father of groom was fluent irish speaker - rest of the room (including the wedding party) only understood the first few words and last few words but it didn't stop him talking for about 20 minutes in Irish. Great respect and understanding for anyone's culture aside but can you blame people for getting bored and fidgety and thinking up games if speeches go on for ever and ever. A quick thanks to " everyone who helped bring the day about " and a few funny stories (well vetted) are better than 20 minutes of rambling on.

Tattoo Stan

prinz wrote: »

Or maybe it's because when I'm at a wedding people have some respect for the occasion and the speech-givers, and in this case the groom.

I agree, it's f*cking stupid.

I've seen it many times and been force to join in on "the fun". It's fun to the same people who think fancy dress is fun - dull morons who never go out.

Jip

Seriously, get a par of balls tattoo stan and learn to stand up for yourself. Doesn't say much about you if you feel you're being forced into doing something you don't want to. Your post contradicts itself.

bensoneb

I experienced this 'speech betting' for the first time at a wedding on Saturday and it was fantastic craic. No one took it seriously and the person who won the money bought everyone at the table a drink with the proceeds so I can't understand how anyone could even liken this to gambling...

And, I'm not dull and I don't wear fancy dress. We were a table of very respectful intelligent people who participated in some very harmless craic!!!

prinz

bensoneb wrote: »

I experienced this 'speech betting' for the first time at a wedding on Saturday and it was fantastic craic. No one took it seriously and the person who won the money bought everyone at the table a drink with the proceeds so I can't understand how anyone could even liken this to gambling...

And, I'm not dull and I don't wear fancy dress. We were a table of very respectful intelligent people who participated in some very harmless craic!!!

As a matter of interest if the groom of this wedding was a friend of yours, or a family member and had come to you before hand asking you not to partake and try to discourage it from taking place at your table..... would you laugh at his request and let him know you were going to do it anyway?

IMO the betting is harmless enough if mindless, but the reaction of the guests to the grooms simple request is far more important.

seamus

prinz wrote: »

As a matter of interest if the groom of this wedding was a friend of yours, or a family member and had come to you before hand asking you not to partake and try to discourage it from taking place at your table.

If the groom had the gall to tell me how to act at his wedding beyond "Go to this church, eat in this hotel", he wouldn't be a friend of mine, nor a family member I'd have much respect for.

If his mother thought that drinking was wrong, would you find it a perfectly reasonable request if the groom asked you to not drink out of respect for his mother, and discourage everyone else from drinking too?

prinz

seamus wrote: »

If the groom had the gall to tell me how to act at his wedding beyond "Go to this church, eat in this hotel", he wouldn't be a friend of mine, nor a family member I'd have much respect for.

If his mother thought that drinking was wrong, would you find it a perfectly reasonable request if the groom asked you to not drink out of respect for his mother, and discourage everyone else from drinking too?

(A) He didn't tell anyone how to act. He asked them to refrain from doing a superlative childish 'game'.

(B)Of course I would. It is after all the groom and bride's day, not mine. If I want betting and drinking at my wedding that's my choice. If a groom invited me to a wedding and said it was fancy dress - I would dress in fancy dress or not attend. Likewise if it was black tie. The attitude of people on here that the bride and groom have no say or control in how the guests behave is staggering. If my friend came to me and said 'you know what, my father was a raging alcoholic, so it is our wish that people have soft drinks/water or whatever....... I'd either comply or not attend.

Clareman

Do the people not know that it's the mother's day, she got her hair done, she's wearing a lovely hat, she had the stress of carrying gifts to the alter, seeing as it's her day people should repect her wishes.

Oh wait, nothing to do with her, as I say to my mother, her job on the day is to wear a hat, enjoy herself and keep quite

seamus

prinz wrote: »

The attitude of people on here that the bride and groom have no say or control in how the guests behave is staggering. If my friend came to me and said 'you know what, my father was a raging alcoholic, so it is our wish that people have soft drinks/water or whatever....... I'd either comply or not attend.

They are *guests*. They are there to be looked after by the bride and groom and to be entertained. Not to be herded or "organised". A wedding is a fun event. If people's definition of "fun" is placing harmless bets or getting completely ossified, then you either let them do that or only invite those people whom you know won't bet/drink.

If I had a good friend that I knew was incapable of attending an event without stealing money from people's purses, I simply wouldn't invite them.

Asking for a dress code is an entirely different matter because it doesn't require anyone to act in a certain way. Though insisting on black-tie or fancy dress is still very much on the side of "Get over yourself FFS" to me.

BnA

My 2 cents

Firstly, betting on the length of speeches is pointless and freggin stuiped. I'd say it's been at about half the weddings I have been at. It was funny the first time maybe, but that's about it.

That said though, it is completely harmless. I know you don't want to upset your mother on the day, but she will have to meet you half way. It's not as if you are having a roulette wheel on the dance floor. Also, everyone who wins, always go straight to the bar and buys a round for the table. It not really gambling at all, because all you actually "win" is the hassle of going to the bar for everyone. In fact, the last time I won it, because of hotels inflated prices, it ended up costing me more to buy the round than I actually won.

I know it is your day and of course whatever you want goes, but I do think you would come accross as a bit of a tool asking your guests not to do it.