My friend and my daughters 'frenemy'

LegacyUser

I'm sorry about this as I have posted before as sad mum about my daughter who is being bullied, so it's me again, and I have really tried to boost her confidence and most suggestions have worked, as in, she has now joined a kick boxing club and is really enjoying it.

Anyway, its another story now because I have a friend who's daughter is 1 yr older than my daughter and this girl, 'friends daughter' is a spoilt brat.
She has 'issues', as in her parents brought her to a psychologist when she was 5 for these 'issues'.They subsequently split up and I and my family while trying to be nice, were left to deal with the problem. (I was on maternity leave and the child was sent to me regularly)
Anyway I now have a problem where the mum thinks they are friends but the daughter constantly puts my daughter down.

She acts like her friend but when ever my daughters friends come around she tries to get them to make fun of my daughter, I have caught her stealing from my daughter and I have also caught her telling lies about about my daughter.
I'm really annoyed about this girl and I don't know what to do now as me and her mum are friends (ps her mum knows that she has behaved badly in the past and has had to get her daughter to apologise to my daughter in numerous occasions.)

I'm just so pissed off that his keeps happening, I presume I'm doing something wrong. Can someone please tell me how to be hard??

LegacyUser

What is this girl doing in your house? Is it because your daughter wants her there as a friend or is it because her mother wants you to mind her at times?

If the latter, I would get her in private and have a gloves off talk with her saying you don't like certain of her bahaviours from a guest in your house and go on to detail to her every nasty little thing she does, giving specific examples so she can see clearly that what she does is not going unnoticed.

Point out to her that you and her mother are friends and that it would hurt both of you if you had to tell her mother you never wanted the girl in your house again, which would be will happen if she continued to act as she has been.

My name is URL

If it's something that's happened before and her mum knows about it then there's no reason to let your daughter be in contact with her bully all.

Don't let her come round to your home. And explain to her mum the reasons for it, you just who protect your child

Jenroche

Ask yourself this: What's more important to you, your daughter or your friendship with the mother of that brat? If I were you, I wouldn't be letting her within a mile of my daughter and if her mother has a problem with this then that's tough. She needs to straighten her own child out, 'issues' be damned. As far as I'm concerned, family comes first. Keep your daughter away from this girl.

Jen ;->

LegacyUser

Why does your daughter seem to get consistently bullied?

I'd find that out and deal with that and before long this other girl wont want to come to your house when your daughter has learned how to deal with her.

It could be that she knows you and this girls mother are friends and doesnt want to start a fight with her so is letting her get away with stuff.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Why does your daughter seem to get consistently bullied?

I'd find that out and deal with that and before long this other girl wont want to come to your house when your daughter has learned how to deal with her.

I agree with this. Firstly, I wouldn't want this girl in my house either. She is disrespecting not only your daughter but you also.

I also think it's unfair to label the girl a 'spoiled brat', as she is clearly very insecure and there are reasons for that. Also, "banning" the girl from your house and away from your daughter may seem like a protective stance but you would also be "sheilding" your daughter from what is a reality in life. People are not conscious of their own insecurities and some act out & deal with that in the form of bullying. This is not something that only happens in the schoolyard. Your daughter needs to learn a valuable lesson here. That she is not to accept being treated badly, made fun of, picked on and used in order to fulfill someone else's need for superiority.

A better solution would be to find a way of managing or handling the situation instead of pushing it away. Your daughter needs to learn the skills to deal with conflict in it's many forms. Otherwise she will not grow and she will continue 'dancing on eggshells' around troublesome people, avoiding and suppressing rather than developing confidence and security in herself. Her emotional welfare will suffer.

If your daughter is from a loving happy home, she may be aware and feel a sense of guilt that her 'friend' is not, and that her friend has a 'right' or a 'reason' to act the way she does. She (your daughter) is obviously a sensitive young lady who has a lot of fears... and so sacrificing her own self worth in order not to add to her friends issues. She is avoiding negativity in others by allowing them to 'big it up' 'feel superior' and project it in her direction. She is allowing others to take her down a peg or too. Encourage her to respond appropriately to her own feelings. Help her understand.

There are many layers at work here, between the girls, the mothers, and the mother/daughter dynamic.

CDfm

Well why the apology bit. If the "frenemy" is a total bitch then its not your responsibility its her mothers. Why do you allow this pairing them off" because of your friendship" just put a stop to it.

It seems to me you are enabling it to happen by providing the venue and the victim. If the child comes around with her Mum she is your guest not your daughters. Take reponsibility for your guest and stop passing the buck.

Just say it to the Mum. Thats not being hard thats being straight up.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

What is this girl doing in your house? Is it because your daughter wants her there as a friend or is it because her mother wants you to mind her at times?

If the latter, I would get her in private and have a gloves off talk with her saying you don't like certain of her bahaviours from a guest in your house and go on to detail to her every nasty little thing she does, giving specific examples so she can see clearly that what she does is not going unnoticed.

Point out to her that you and her mother are friends and that it would hurt both of you if you had to tell her mother you never wanted the girl in your house again, which would be will happen if she continued to act as she has been.

This approach sounds quite tempting. But if you do I would also tell the mother that you've had this chat.

As for why is the girl being bullied and she should learn essentially from the bullying experience how to stand up for herself... well thats easy to say but this kid already has been bullied alot in the past. I think she's probably learn more from being around kids who treat her well and she forms genuine friendships (kids she's chosen) on her own with. She's at an age when she needs good experience more than 'toughening' ones. Bullying only goes on for a few years but the effects can last forever.

Can 'train' your daughter to give a smart answer? Role play situations... of course with kids, any weakness is enough for them to attack.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about your friendship with this woman. She should understand. Shaming the young one into better behaviour with a harsh chat (as long as you tell her mother too) might be the answer but I wouldn't loose too much sleep about putting her out of your lives either. Or better yet, ask your daughter does she want this girl around and go with her answer. Give her a sense of control.

The most important thing you can do for your daughter is push the POSITIVE experiences. And try not to let her pick up on to much of your anxiety.

LegacyUser

HI again OP here
Sorry for delay in replying as we were a way for a couple of days.Thanks again so much for replies as I really need the input. I agree with a lot of the suggestions above esp the question regards who is the guest, and that she is a guest in my house.

My daughter is a quiet child, and they will end up in secondary school together this September so I am very worried about the impact of her 'frenemy' putting her down in front of her new friends.

Thanks,

LegacyUser

HI OP here again, any experience with the questions,as in, when 'frenemy' asks me questions that my daughter has already told her the answer to?
As in, "is X really going to spain on holidays?" or "did X really do that?" etc. it really bugs me!!
I always answer the truth and it turns out that that's what she was told. As in, my daughter told the truth.
Just dont understand why she never believes her?

Jenroche

Maybe it's because the girl herself is in the habit of lying? Or maybe it's just another subtle way of undermining your daughter, doubting her every word.

Would you maybe consider sending your daughter to a different secondary school? Secondary school is a whole new phase of life for these girls and it could help to break this unhappy cycle. If this isn't possible, perhaps you could try and make sure they are put into different classes?

Jen ;->

tbh

say to your friend "I know we are friends, but you know what? The girls just are not getting on. I think it'd be better if we just left them do their own thing, hope that's ok with you?"