Son no longer talks to me/us after fight.

LegacyUser

I'm a mother of 2 boys 28 and 22 and about 4/5 months ago the youngest had a fight with his dad i.e a psychical fight (both were to blame ) they were never really that close but managed to get on but things just came to a head that night when my husband started to make annoying stupid comments about everything and anything and my youngest was so fed up with it he had an argument at first about his dad's behaviour then it escalated big time into a full blown fight to which after my husband kicked him out and at the time I agreed with him as I couldn't believe what had happened and that my son would go for his dad like that although looking back at it now he was well provoked.

Anyway I contacted my son a day later after all this back then to see how he was and I was told in no uncertain terms where to go and how I took his dads side when he i.e his dad was the one in the wrong and not my son etc and he told me that I was young enough so go and and have another child and since then I haven't heard from him

I've seen him out and about alot but he completely blanks me and has nothing to do with me or his dad who is sorry about the whole incident and would love it more than anything to make it up with him as it's coming up to fathers day.


It's killing me that I haven't seen or talked to him in so long,not knowing how he's doing or what's going on in his life .
Suppose I'm asking here is there anyone who's been in a similar situation and how do I go about fixing this or at least getting him to talk to me again ?

Salome

You agreed with your husband when he kicked your son out. What do you expect him to do, congratulate you?

You've hurt him more than anything his dad could have said to him.

Carsinian Thau

Unregged & sad wrote: »

Suppose I'm asking here is there anyone who's been in a similar situation and how do I go about fixing this or at least getting him to talk to me again ?

You'll have to apologise to him firstly. He's probably very hurt by what happened. Take things slow and don't try and force anything. This is pretty damaging for all involved and will take a lot of time to fix.

Your husband owes him an apology too (and your son owes your husband an apology for that matter).

Good luck OP. I hope things work out ok for you and your family.

CDfm

Its not a nice situation and your son is a bit of a pup.

Like it or not throwing a few punches in the schoolyard or in the pub carpark is one thing but in the home is a different matter.Its yours and your hubbys home and he is a guest.In your home your hubby is top dog.

Now I am not saying your husband was right but your sons response was wrong. If the result is he was kicked out well it was right because you cant live with violence or the threat of violence and its not his house.

As to his blanking you well thats just a bit of emotional blackmail to get you to see it his way. He is giving you the silent treatment and should grow up.I think he should apologise to you for his part as it must have been scary and upsetting.

You might ask your older son how he is and even arrange a meeting with you if he can. It would be wrong to give the impression that the fight no matter how he tries to justify it was appropriate.

I have an older brother who seems similar to your guy and no matter what he felt entitled to behave how he liked. It doesnt cut it with me.

So by all means keep in touchwith your boy and help him if you can. Discuss it with older son and hubby and tell them how you feel so that you dont feel isolated or manipulated and that if you do meet up things will be clearer. The last thing you need is a repeat of the last occasion.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you never even considered an apology as an option all this time! Why is that?
Yes, your son was wrong to get violent but you have justified it by saying that he was well provoked. Are you too proud to apologize or is he too low down in the pecking order to deserve an apology. It amazes me the amount of parents of adult children out there who see it as their right to make mistakes with their offspring without ever having to apologize. It's as if they are losing face by doing so whereas in fact it should strengthen the relationship if anything.
You say they have never got along. Is there a chance that that you have stood by all these years and let your husband bully him and this was the final straw. Maybe your son needed some support from you and you were quite happy to stand silently by your husband and put up with your son being picked on. Have you let your husband know that his behavior was also out of order and that he helped bring this situation about? Would he be as quick to treat a neighbor this way or somebody down in the local pub. Probably not, but it's ok to treat your son this way.
Sometimes people treat those closest to them in a way that they would never dream of treating others because they know others wouldn't hang around for it. Your son obviously doesn't buy into the whole 'blood is thicker than water' line and good for him. He is demanding some respect from you, so the question is , can you give it? can your husband give it?
Phone him up and apologize. I assure you , you are not somehow losing face or being weak by doing so. You are setting an example of how we should all behave. We should all be able to admit our weaknesses and failures without shame. The longer you leave this the longer it will go on. I don't condone for one minute by the way your son being violent but this was probably building up for some time.
Remember, your son may be YOUR child, but that does not make him A child. He is an adult who deserves to be treated as one.

LegacyUser

I have apologised to him and me and his dad have had it out over the way he i.e my husband behaved was was behaving that night and all the times before and he has agreed that he was also to blame that night and has tried to make contact with our son to make amends but he won't listen to either of us well especially not his dad.

I have sent him several texts over this period apologising and I get nothing back just hope that this situation will be resolved soon !

Wagon

Unregged & sad wrote: »

...it escalated big time into a full blown fight to which after my husband kicked him out and at the time I agreed with him as I couldn't believe what had happened and that my son would go for his dad like that although looking back at it now he was well provoked.

Will your husband apologise? Better make sure he does before you even consider getting in touch with your son.

It's killing me that I haven't seen or talked to him in so long,not knowing how he's doing or what's going on in his life .
Suppose I'm asking here is there anyone who's been in a similar situation and how do I go about fixing this or at least getting him to talk to me again ?

you all owe each other an apology. And unless you are willing to do that then forget it. He's gone.

omahaid

Wagon wrote: »

Will your husband apologise? Better make sure he does before you even consider getting in touch with your son.

you all owe each other an apology. And unless you are willing to do that then forget it. He's gone.

If you are to treat the son as an adult then the son should apologise, he got violent. If you are to treat the son as a child then you should convince your husband to apologise, but as a parent, I would find it hard to apologise to a child that was violent to me.

Ickle Magoo

Why not phone and say how you feel, that you're sorry things have deteriorated to this level but violence in your home is unacceptable and when he's ready to talk you'll be there to listen and leave the ball in his court?

It's not like he's a 15 yr old run away, he's a 22 yr old man and well able to make his own way in the world and certainly he should be more than able to approach this situation apologetically as an equally responsible adult rather than giving you the silent treatment because his pride is hurt and his nose is out of joint Mammy didn't okay him boxing with Daddy in your home.

From the little you've posted I don't get the impression that chasing him with apologies is going to do anything but make him feel more self-righteous and justified in distancing himself from your family - maybe try a different tact?

Best of luck.

CDfm

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

From the little you've posted I don't get the impression that chasing him with apologies is going to do anything but make him feel more self-righteous and justified in distancing himself from your family - maybe try a different tact?

Best of luck.

I agree.

OP many parents would have gone to court and got a barring order and the question for your son will be whether he considers his own behaviour to have been over the top. He is a man and it is inexcuseable and he needs to face that.

I probably think he may even have changes his number.

What I do think is that sending him the message that his behavior can somehow be excused by your husbands is wrong. He is a man and has to accept the consequences of his actions. Throwing a sulk or a tantrum is not adult and you should recognise it for what it is.

Wagon

omahaid wrote: »

If you are to treat the son as an adult then the son should apologise, he got violent. If you are to treat the son as a child then you should convince your husband to apologise, but as a parent, I would find it hard to apologise to a child that was violent to me.

So what? He was provoked my his old man constantly and eventually it escalated into a fist fight between both of them...but you still think that even thought he provoked him, the father might not have to apologise because it would be too hard. Frankly that's just being not only a lously parent, but being a prick too.

CDfm

Wagon wrote: »

So what? He was provoked my his old man constantly and eventually it escalated into a fist fight between both of them...but you still think that even thought he provoked him, the father might not have to apologise because it would be too hard. Frankly that's just being not only a lously parent, but being a prick too.

I normally agree with you Wagon but having a bar-room brawl at home aint normal.

While the father and son may bicker or slag off each other it was the lessor of two evils.

The fight is another level and it isnt the mother who should be doing the apologising here but the son.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Its yours and your hubbys home and he is a guest.In your home your hubby is top dog.

What is the point of having children if this is the attitude you have towards them? My parents gave me this line years ago and it ended whatever real relationship we had. I hardly bother with them now.

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

What is the point of having children if this is the attitude you have towards them? My parents gave me this line years ago and it ended whatever real relationship we had. I hardly bother with them now.

I think the point being made is that it is the OP and her husband's home and while I'm sure they enjoyed supporting and raising their children and sharing that home with them, if a situation arises between parents and children over 20, it's obvious who should be leaving. In these kind of scenarios I'd be amazed if it wasn't the fact that men who should really be living in their own space and on their own terms but are still living at home isn't at the root of the whole issue in the first place.

Splendour

Unregged & sad wrote: »

although looking back at it now he was well provoked.

Hi OP, am sorry for what you're going through; not easy when relationships go askew.
You say that your son was provoked. Is this something that has happened before? The fact that your husband was belittling your son is a bit strange and childish tbh. Is there a history here that would cause your son to do what he did? Not condoning any form of violence by the way, but sometimes people can flip if they're pushed enough...

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

What is the point of having children if this is the attitude you have towards them? My parents gave me this line years ago and it ended whatever real relationship we had. I hardly bother with them now.

When a child is young its one thing . Life is about making your own way.

Jeez - I am divorced and couldnt live a college student life with the drama and late nights and deep conversations.

That said I am fairly chilled out myself but I have an older brother who I dont see because he would drive me nuts. I can see how it would be the same with kids,

The OP is trying to reconcile her maternal instinct against the violent event and may need to look beyond that and see her son as a the man he is.

Jessiegirl

When did all this happen?
Sometimes a little space is needed. I think a face to face apology - not texts is a good start. Let it be for a little while, don't harass him with messages.
Sounds like you all need to sit down together as a family to sort it out, united front and all that.
He may need this time to reflect on his relationship with you, he's an adult so leave him be for a while, don't hassle him. You should also reflect on the job you have done/are doing as parents.
I have no relationship at present with my father. Sometimes that's necessary.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I normally agree with you Wagon but having a bar-room brawl at home aint normal.

While the father and son may bicker or slag off each other it was the lessor of two evils.

While I'd normally fully agree with this statement, in this case I don't. An isolated case of bickering against an isolated case of coming to blows is of course the much lesser of two evils, but a long history of constant bickering and confidence knocking against one case of coming to blows because of it all is a different story indeed.
I praise you and your husband for apologizing to your son and for trying to fix this instead of expecting him to come home with his tail between legs. You were right to and I think he deserved the apology but don't grovel to him either. You don't want the tables to turn here so that you are giving him the right to treat you the way he was treated. Treat him as you would expect to be treated, as another human being, as an equal.
Maybe, give him some space for now. He has crossed a big emotional bridge and he is probably processing his feelings. Right now he can only think of the negative things about you both, but I'm sure in time as he calms down he will see that there is a much bigger picture to your relationship and he will remember all the good things as well.
I speak from experience by the way. I didn't come to blows with my parents but at one point I was ready to cut ties completely with them after a life time of subtle and sometimes not so subtle insults. They have no idea how much they have affected my confidence and self esteem. They have never apologized and don't see the need to so although I have had some contact with them recently I will never again hold them in the respect I once did.
I have had some time to reflect and I am trying to see the good in them. It's not always easy. My one regret is that I should have stood up to them at your sons age instead of in my thirties. I feel I wasted a lot of time being miserable not knowing why I felt so worthless while I was under their thumb. I think that late teens or early twenties is a normal enough time for people to draw the line with dominating parents and to be honest it's healthy (not the fist fighting part though).
As another poster wrote, reflect on your experience with him as a parent. You and your husband also need some space to reflect on things. Your relationship with your son will be on a new level after this so it's important that you all step back and revise your roles and attitudes towards each other. Try to see each other as the people that you have become instead of parents and children relating to each other within a fixed role or boundary. Believe me, it's painful but it's a tremendous chance for personal growth and seeing things in a new way.
Don't forget that your son may have other things bothering him, love life, etc.
Let him know that things will be different and that you are both there for him and then stand back and give him space. Also, if this is mainly between your husband and son, maybe your husband should write him a letter after some reflection or meet him for a pint. There is probably a lot of unsaid stuff. Your son would probably have preferred to have said this stuff rather than lashing out at him. As long as he keep it bottled up he will continue to be angry. I know you said your husband was upset that fathers day was coming up and still no contact, hope he has a good day anyway!

Adamisconfused

As far as I’m concerned, both of these grown men acted like utter fools and must be made to realise this. We know that your husband regrets his actions, so that solves half the problem. I can understand how your son felt, but he is to blame for the escalation of the conflict and he can’t be allowed to feel like a martyr. He would have attained the moral high ground if he had have simply walked away, but he resorted to violence and that is unacceptable.
I believe your other son is in a prime position to hammer the point home to him that he was EQUALLY to blame and should stop his moping around. He won’t take kindly to that, but he will think about it to himself and gradually come to realise that he went too far. I think you all overreacted, but being too apologetic will reaffirm your son’s belief that he was in the right.
I don’t know the dynamics in your family so I’m not sure how to advise you when your son returns home. With my family, we always chose to let sleeping dogs lie and simply move on with life.
As an aside, I think it has to be said that you should not have kicked your son out. He and his father were equally to blame, but when it came down to it, you took one side and that will always be remembered.
The trust between you two will never be the same again. I don’t intend to be mean by saying that. I just can’t imagine my mother ever taking the opposite side to me. Even if I was blatantly in the wrong, she would take the middle ground and try to calm the situation. She’s a great mediator and that’s the role any mother should take.

Seillejet

I was in an identical situation. My mam sided with my Dad which I can understand. I try to see her away from their house. I feel intimaded in their house so I sometimes go for lunch elsewhere with her. Our relationship is very poor though. I suggest seeing him elsewhere than your house and not bringing your husband.

lee_arama

Unregged & sad wrote: »

I'm a mother of 2 boys 28 and 22 and about 4/5 months ago the youngest had a fight with his dad i.e a psychical fight

I'd be glad that your husband isn't in jail. I find it appaling that the Irish ethos so readily condones a good beating by a parent.

I wish I had some marvellous insight which could assuage your conscience but why do I feel that this was something brewing all along? It sounds like your husband is not one to have his opinons or familial position challenged.

LegacyUser

Don't let any of this let your relationship with your husband deteriorate. He has seen his past mistakes and is sorry. Be careful not to feel bitter at him. remember this situation has being brewing for some time and you were also witness to it without being a fair mediator when you could have tried to diffuse this situation a long time ago. your son may not be sulking but just trying to get some space. he may also be ashamed of his actions. don't pander to him though, just make sure he hears and understands your apology. That's all you can do. After that he has to be adult enough and gracious enough to know and accept a heart felt apology when it's given. He may not be ready to accept the apology just yet, he is still licking his wounds. give him time. the real issue here is not so much the fight between your husband and son but what happened to make your son react this way. That's not to say that violence in any form is acceptable but do you think that it's possible that his words were not listened to and this was the only way to make himself heard and to let you know that he had enough. time is a great healer, just be patient.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

In your home your hubby is top dog.

1958 is calling; they want their social principles back.

CDfm

Incredulous wrote: »

1958 is calling; they want their social principles back.

Well everyone needs to role over for angry adult son - nah

Its a figure of speech and not social theory

OS119

Unregged & sad wrote: »

I'm a mother of 2 boys 28 and 22 and about 4/5 months ago the youngest had a fight with his dad i.e a psychical fight (both were to blame ) they were never really that close but managed to get on but things just came to a head that night when my husband started to make annoying stupid comments about everything and anything and my youngest was so fed up with it he had an argument at first about his dad's behaviour then it escalated big time into a full blown fight to which after my husband kicked him out and at the time I agreed with him as I couldn't believe what had happened and that my son would go for his dad like that although looking back at it now he was well provoked.

Anyway I contacted my son a day later after all this back then to see how he was and I was told in no uncertain terms where to go and how I took his dads side when he i.e his dad was the one in the wrong and not my son etc and he told me that I was young enough so go and and have another child and since then I haven't heard from him

I've seen him out and about alot but he completely blanks me and has nothing to do with me or his dad who is sorry about the whole incident and would love it more than anything to make it up with him as it's coming up to fathers day.


It's killing me that I haven't seen or talked to him in so long,not knowing how he's doing or what's going on in his life .
Suppose I'm asking here is there anyone who's been in a similar situation and how do I go about fixing this or at least getting him to talk to me again ?

i hope he punched your husbands bullying - wife-beating perhaps? - lights out.

you sided with your hubby when he bullied you son over a long period of time (you did nothing about it, you're as bad as him), you sided with him during the fight (a man hit your son and you did fcuk all - get yourself neutered before you damage the rest of the gene pool), and then you you sided with your hubby in throwing boy out (nice, have you ever worked as a concentration camp guard?).

if it were me i wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

be glad the boys gone, he may even recover from your 'parenting' skills given enough time - you made your bed, now tuck yourself in with a few cans of stella and a black-eye.

Xiney

OS119 - please have a read of the forum charter and keep all future posts civil.

Infracted.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

i hope he punched your husbands bullying - wife-beating perhaps? - lights out.

This is unnecessary and unfounded.

I find it hard to say but I just don't see a way back for the son. I don't see why he would want to either. His father bullied him for years and you let him. Finally he snapped and fought back and you sided with your husband and kicked him out of the house. He got away from a relationship that can't have been good for his self esteem. You wouldn't ever get back into a friendship where you were constantly being put down so i see no reason why you would reconcile with someone just because they were family.

LegacyUser

Hi,OP here.
Yes it was something that had been building up to for years ,they've been having run ins with him for years over his behaviour and him coming home drunk most nights and then starting with his comments about everything and anything is what got under everyones skin.
We all had it out with him over the years but it didn't make any difference and the relationship between my two sons and their dad had completely gone apart which they aren't bothered about now at all.

I have met with the youngest one the other day and he apologised sincerely for the fight and I apologised to him for agreeing with his dad at the time.
He said it'll be a long time before he'll want to see his dad again as he said he just couldn't be bothered with him anymore.

At least we're back on talking terms now anyway

Carsinian Thau

Unregged & sad wrote: »

Hi,OP here.
Yes it was something that had been building up to for years ,they've been having run ins with him for years over his behaviour and him coming home drunk most nights and then starting with his comments about everything and anything is what got under everyones skin.
We all had it out with him over the years but it didn't make any difference and the relationship between my two sons and their dad had completely gone apart which they aren't bothered about now at all.

I have met with the youngest one the other day and he apologised sincerely for the fight and I apologised to him for agreeing with his dad at the time.
He said it'll be a long time before he'll want to see his dad again as he said he just couldn't be bothered with him anymore.

At least we're back on talking terms now anyway

That's great OP. Both of you did the right thing by apologising.

It would seem as if both your husband and your son would now need to apologise to each other. But as he said, he needs time before that. So maybe just wait it out and continue to see him away from your husband until both of them are able to be in the same room. And be civil toward one another.

It really sounds like the relationship can be repaired. Your husband was sick of your son's behaviour and your son was sick of being given out to about his behaviour. Stuff like this can be fixed if both parties remain calm and just explain themselves properly.

I hope things continue to improve for you OP.

CDfm

Fathers and sons often just rub each other up the wrong way.They try the same tactics like sumo wrestlers really.

Carsinian Thau

CDfm wrote: »

Fathers and sons often just rub each other up the wrong way.

+1

We're either too different or too similar. Very difficult to find a healthy balance.

Hrududu

Unregged & sad wrote: »

Hi,OP here.
Yes it was something that had been building up to for years ,they've been having run ins with him for years over his behaviour and him coming home drunk most nights and then starting with his comments about everything and anything is what got under everyones skin.
We all had it out with him over the years but it didn't make any difference and the relationship between my two sons and their dad had completely gone apart which they aren't bothered about now at all.

I have met with the youngest one the other day and he apologised sincerely for the fight and I apologised to him for agreeing with his dad at the time.
He said it'll be a long time before he'll want to see his dad again as he said he just couldn't be bothered with him anymore.

At least we're back on talking terms now anyway

Is it your son or your husband that was coming home drunk and making snide comments?

Carsinian Thau

Hrududu wrote: »

Is it your son or your husband that was coming home drunk and making snide comments?

I think it reads as though the son was coming home drunk. I am open to correction on this though.

LegacyUser

I disagree, she said in her first post that it was the father that was making comments about everything and anything and in her last post said that ''they'' had it out with him over him coming home drunk and making comments. I presume it was the father that was drunk.

biko

I say give it some time. Let him stew for a while and get in touch again in 2 months.

He might not make up with his dad but should get along with you.

Sometimes I just want to shout at my friends: "Guys, leave home before 21 to stop pissing off your parents!"

Real_Sircharles

I think its clear, like in alot of the posts here, there is a "Problem".

This "Problem" needs to be addressed before any apologising, texting, lunches or whatever go ahead.

In this case the "Problem" is your husbands relationship with the son/sons.

SOLUTION: he needs to solve these issues himself.
It seems clear to me that the father should be tackling this issue. I cant believe the father didn't search him down the next day with an outreached hand.