Daughter problems

LegacyUser

I'm writing this out of frustration with my daughter. I am the single mother and she has just turned 16. Her father is French. We met when he was studying over here and I got pregnant. To cut a long story short, it didn't work out between us. He went back to France, got married, and had two more daughters, identical twin girls who are now 12. They live in Paris.

The father has been good about keeping in touch, paying maintenance, flying over to see her, remembering her birthday, and stuff like that. They frequently email back and forth and talk on the phone every weekend. I have let her go over to France to visit him. I have always tried to be reasonable as I always wanted her to feel like she had two parents.

My problem is that she seems to have become resentful of me and all things Irish. She doesn't try at all in Irish at school but she is top of her class in French. She likes to wear French clothes and seems to make a point of talking and laughing loudly in French on the phone to him and her half-sisters. She makes snarky comments about our local town and the people in it, basically looking down her nose, saying that they are fat and ugly and stupid and have no style.

I know teenagers can be a handful but this is getting me down. I feel criticized for my parenting, for who I am, for where I come from. I feel like she lords it over me that she has this glamorous association with a Parisian father. She makes it abundantly clear that she would rather be there than here. She's even talking about going to university in France.

On some level I wish he hadn't been involved in her life now. I feel like he is stealing her away from me and I feel like I lose another little piece of her every day. I keep all this bottled up and try not to show it. But I feel gutted to the core. What can I do?

Lollipops23

OP relax,teenagers rebel in many ways,some drink,some mitch and some turn into madamy little cows(sorry,it sounds like she is doing the latter).

the good news?it's not going to last. point out to her that if she goes to Paris being half french is nothing special and her irish roots would be celebrated.

perhaps share your concerns about her behaviour and her manner with her dad; if he's as involved as much as you say he'll be equally concerned that she's being so insolent(sp) to her mum.

however,bottom line is, you're doing the best you can and the grass is always going to be greener. holidaying in france and living there are extremely different and i know this from experience!imho it's not my favourite place in the world. but if at 18 she wants to go to college there you may need to accept it.

LegacyUser

I read your post and smiled..no not a funny ha ha ha smile but at the fact that I am not alone. I am French single mum too with a 13 yrs old daughter who refuses to speak French ( although she knows it) or answer when I speak French to her , has started to try to refuse to eat any food that sounds/looks/smells French, the French clothes she used to love and crave for are rejected for Penneys' or the cheapest looking clothes possible bought with Daddy.
I am now officially " a snob" ( which I am far from being), " a person who knows nothing about Ireland and how to be a teenager" ( I have been living here since I was 19) and horror " I am not like other mothers" her friends think I am cool..but not her.
Her dad is Irish, she sees him regularly and him and I have a more than civilised relationship which is often put under stress thanks to a very intelligent and therefore maipulative 13 yrs old..so...
Welcome to the "let's rebel against the most inflluential one stage"..it is hard,it hurts , it tears, it creates friction, arguments and finding the happy lines between supporting,giving-in and encouraging and restricting freedom is as challenging as balancing a crystal glass on one's nose ( and mine is not a small nose) but I have one advice which I must admit is easier to give than to follow ( I am still trying): allow her express her rebellion, her search for identity as long as she respects you , the rules of the house, shows the manners you have taught her and most importantly as long as she respects herself.
Not an easy time for us, not an easy time for them caught between 2 cultures, 2 parents...remember how we were as teenagers! But yes it can be hell!!! good luck.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

allow her express her rebellion, her search for identity as long as she respects you , the rules of the house, shows the manners you have taught her and most importantly as long as she respects herself

great post. She is finding out who she is, the start of life long journey, try and be supportive even though its hard

flibbertyjibbet

Try not to feel bad OP, I agree with what lollipops said above, what your daughter is enjoying now is not the real picture. She lives most of the year with you, you are the primary disciplinarian and she lives her day to day life in Ireland. It seems monotonous and humdrum to her.

At 16 she probably wants to be independent and the fantasy of moving abroad and living as she has seen so far is an exciting one. She probably spends a few weeks a year in Paris where she is a little spoilt (as kids usually are when they visit relatives abroad) they more than likely make an effort to do lots of fun things and she gets to experience certain aspects of another culture which will be exciting. But it can't always be like that. That's not real life. If she lived over there full time and had to deal with day to day situations and non family members on a full time basis I suspect she would feel very different.

Don't let it get you down, she is not criticising you, she's not talking with an informed opinion. The novelty will wear off in time and she will most likely strike up a balance between both of her cultures.