Marriage breaking up

LegacyUser

Unregging for this one for obvious reasons.

I am a 38-year-old man and am married 15 years. My wife and I met when I was 18 and she was 20, and we got married five years later. She turned 40 this year and we are childless, despite having tried for a baby all through our marriage. She is a teacher and I am a manager in the financial sector.

I am bipolar depressive, and in a fit of depression three months ago I did something very stupid. I had a one-night-stand with a woman from work. She is only 26, so she is 12 years younger than me. We spent the night in a hotel when we were both away for a work conference, and it was there that it happened. This is the only time in my life I ever had intercourse with anyone other than my wife.

Believe me I don't need to be told how stupid this was. I have been through it a thousand times, wishing it never happened. Anyway, I tried to do what I thought was the right thing. I confessed to my wife, admitted my mistake, begged her not to leave me. I do love her, she means the whole world to me and I have been with her more than half my life. Don't ask me how I can reconcile this with having sex with another woman. The short answer is I can't.

We went through a rough patch, spent weeks having long tearful conversations. Eventually she decided that she was willing to stay with me so long as I went to confession and promised to have no further contact with this woman (or become involved with any other woman). I told the other woman this, and we agreed to give each other a wide berth in the workplace.

Some weeks later the other woman approached me and told me that she got pregnant, even though she was on the Pill when we slept together. She said she wasn't going to tell me because she initially was planning to have an abortion, but now she has decided to keep the baby and wants me to know I am the father. I was floored by this.

When I told my wife, she hit the roof, and said that I had given this "little hussy" (her words) the child she could never have. She said this is intolerable to her and we can't carry on now. She moved my clothes into the spare room, locked our bedroom door, and now will hardly speak to me unless it is something about sorting out our affairs. She says our marriage is over and that I have until the end of July to be out for good.

Like I said, I regret everything about that night in the hotel. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore. Like I said, I don't need any more condemnation than I already have given myself. But do people think it was fair of my wife to forgive me the affair, but then break up with me over the pregnancy? That's the part I can't get over. I wanted her to accept this as part of the mistake that she already forgave me for. I will do anything to keep my marriage intact. But she says I have ruined her life and made her the laughing-stock of the town, and she just wants to move away and be alone.

Thanks for listening.

Trinity

Oh OP I feel for you I really do but you must try to understand your wifes perspective on this

An affair can be forgotten, with time anyway, and worked through. But you will always be this childs father whether or not you play a part in his life

wanting to become a mother and not being able to is devastating in itself, your wife is obvioulsy now feeling half the woman as she couldnt get pregnant, and the other girl did the first night, so she is now blaming herself.

You and a stranger practically have something in common that your wife wanted with you

This is something you can never take back, she will now never give you your first born child even if you go on to have 20 children together

If you can at least begin to understand this, you may just be able to work through this

Its just absolutely unfortunate that the fling ended in a pregnancy, are you sure the baby is yours first and foremost?

LegacyUser

I'd be considering a DNA test...

LegacyUser

I think your wife has every right to feel the way she does . You have betrayed her and from your post you seem to blame it on your depression. You went out and shagged a 26 year old and even if you were not depressed you would have shagged her.

Anyone who takes a action has got to bear the consequences . the consequences of your action is that you are going to be a father. the consequences also are that you are losing your wife. You knew this could have been one of the consequences when you made your decision to do what you did.

Live with it . You have F**ked up and you are paying the price

By the way I am male also.

iguana

Sorry OP, this may not be what you want to hear but while I might try to forgive my husband if he cheated on me, it just would never be possible if he got the other woman pregnant. As other posters have said, it might be possible to eventually put the affair out of my mind and move on. But if there was a child it would be a constant reminder. They fact that you and your wife have never managed to start a family makes it even more painful for your wife.

I do think you need to find out if the baby is yours or even if there is a baby. First off ask her how pregnant she is, pregnancy is worked out from the date of the last period not conception, so if you slept together 12 weeks ago she will be 14 weeks pregnant. Not a lot of people know it is worked out like this, (until they have been pregnant or tried to conceive) so if she is lying to you it's possible she will tell you she is the same amount of weeks pregnant as time has passed since your ONS.

If the dates do add up you can ask her to take a non-invasive prenatal dna test. This is done by testing your dna against a sample of her blood. From 13-16 weeks a pregnant mother's blood will contain foetal dna and can let you know the paternity without any risk to the baby. It costs about STG£700. http://www.genetestlabs.co.uk

LegacyUser

This is the OP again. Thanks to all the people who replied.

I realise how my wife feels. I know how much she wanted to be a mother, and I have seen her hope for a family turn into desperation as the years went on. Even looking at pregnant girls on the street now makes her sad, and this is just rubbing salt in the wound as far as she is concerned.

To answer some questions, I am 99 percent certain that the baby is mine, since the dates all do match up. The other woman says she didn't sleep with anyone else around that time, and says she is happy to go for a DNA test if I want complete confirmation that I am the father.

This woman says she has been considering her options again since we last spoke. She couldn't go through with abortion but she says she simply can't afford to become a single mother, and doesn't have any family support, and so she wants to give the baby up for adoption. I don't want that to happen, and so I have asked her to consider giving me custody of the baby. I would raise the child as a single father, and would give her visitation rights. She is thinking about it.

Yes, I have been told that I have until the end of July to be out of the house. The house is built on a site that my wife's father gave us as a wedding present, and so it seems only fair that I should go.

Anyone who claims that bipolar depressives always act completely rationally has never dealt with someone afflicted by this disorder. I'm not using it as an excuse, though. I accept responsibility for my actions, regardless of my state of mind at the time. I destroyed my marriage through a stupid impulsive act. And just for the record, other younger women have made advances to me over the years. I've never acted on them.

To the person who suggested that I did this deliberately because I wanted to be a father, you are wrong. This pregnancy was completely unplanned. The girl in question was on the Pill. I have never wanted to have children with anyone other than my wife.

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

This is the OP again. Thanks to all the people who replied.

I realise how my wife feels. I know how much she wanted to be a mother, and I have seen her hope for a family turn into desperation as the years went on. Even looking at pregnant girls on the street now makes her sad, and this is just rubbing salt in the wound as far as she is concerned.

To answer some questions, I am 99 percent certain that the baby is mine, since the dates all do match up. The other woman says she didn't sleep with anyone else around that time, and says she is happy to go for a DNA test if I want complete confirmation that I am the father.

This woman says she has been considering her options again since we last spoke. She couldn't go through with abortion but she says she simply can't afford to become a single mother, and doesn't have any family support, and so she wants to give the baby up for adoption. I don't want that to happen, and so I have asked her to consider giving me custody of the baby. I would raise the child as a single father, and would give her visitation rights. She is thinking about it.

Yes, I have been told that I have until the end of July to be out of the house. The house is built on a site that my wife's father gave us as a wedding present, and so it seems only fair that I should go.

Anyone who claims that bipolar depressives always act completely rationally has never dealt with someone afflicted by this disorder. I'm not using it as an excuse, though. I accept responsibility for my actions, regardless of my state of mind at the time. I destroyed my marriage through a stupid impulsive act. And just for the record, other younger women have made advances to me over the years. I've never acted on them.

To the person who suggested that I did this deliberately because I wanted to be a father, you are wrong. This pregnancy was completely unplanned. The girl in question was on the Pill. I have never wanted to have children with anyone other than my wife.

Thats not gonna happen.

OP how well do you know this woman? would you like me to take a guess at how long it will be before she asks you for money?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I dont know how you can say anything negative about the wife in this situation. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and her husband has ruined her life in about the worst way possible. And of course she is humiliated, every single women out there would be extremely humiliated if such a thing were to happen to them.