Am I Paranoid, Am I Stupid ?

LegacyUser

I (Male) have been married (No Kids) two years & 2 months.
I am considering Divorce.

I have three children from a previous relationship and my Wife has two who are resident with us. My step children are lovely - thought I should say.

I strongly feel that my Wife is in our marriage for her own reasons . Why.

1. When we first got married she refused to tell her male friends that we were married, I insisted she did: but since then they don't visit anymore.
2. After two weeks of marriage my wife's best friend "Suzzie" asked to go on holiday with her, I said no. Reason - We should be going on holiday together as newly weds. Suzzie does not talk to me now, not even a thank you after filling in/countersign her daughters passport forms. I have always asked my Wife why Suzzie doesn't like me, she say she doesnt know why and doesnt want to ask.
3. My Wife has not changed her name, I have asked her to. She is only known by my name in kids school letters. All official documents are still in her name;Driving licence, banks, bills, passport, work e.t.c.
4. As a couple we have no friends. We use to visit Suzzie and Husband but after three months into our marriage she stopped talking to me. We have never been to visit a couple neither does anyone visit us, except for her Sister.
5. I am always trying to get my Wife and I to go down town (Wine Bars,Nite Clubs e.t.c) She says she doesn't enjoy down town but goes there with her friends.
6. Anytime we are in the Supermarket and I bump into someone I know she scurries off, it seems she doesn't want me to introduce her as my Wife.
7. 90 % of the time when her friends call her on the phone she leaves the room, she says she doesn't want to disturb me with her "Girlie" talk.

8. The Last Straw (See 2 Above). About 10 day ago my Wife (Who was a bit ill) told me that Suzzie's daughter needs to travel abroad urgently, and Suzzie wants her to countersign the passport application. On further inspection of the application my Wife did not meet the criteria for a counter-signatory, however I did. I offered to help, my Wife telephoned Suzzie and told her. After completing the form I drove my Wife to Suzzies house only because my Wife was ill and had been absent from work for 3 days. When we arrived Suzzie came round to my Wife side of the car, exchanged a few words with my Wife and totally ignored me as if I was not present. When we got home I told me Wife that I am appalled at Suzzies behaviour and regard it as an insult of a high degree. A thank you, even said bregrudgingly would have been enough ... at the very least.
A week later my Wife says that she would like to visit a neighbouring city with Suzzie ans stop over for one night.
I said no. Why?

1. Since we have been married we have never gone anywhere together and stopped over for one night.
2. I said to her that I really felt insulted by the way she behaved and that her going away with her is practically saying to Suzzie, "You can insult me Husband, its OK I don't mind.

So I have really come to my last tether. I feel like I'm trying to hard to have a happy life with a woman who really wants to be married to me for other reasons than sharing a life together.
Would love peoples opinion to help me decide what to do and to give objectivity to the situation.
Thanks in advance for all comments received.

stupidusername

It seems there's probably something going on there. Don't quite know what though. All i can say is talk to her about going to counselling for the two of you, and if she refuses,and this continues, then maybe talk to her about divorce then. I don't think you should just spring it on her though. Because there could be some sort of way of sorting this out, and if you want to, you should try discuss it with her. After all you are married now, and the two of you should make a proper go at it before giving up.

ManOfMystery

This is very strange. It obviously all points to her not wanting people to know she's married for some reason.

Was she ever married before? And if so, did her divorce get handled properly?

LegacyUser

She was married previously, her divorce went as good as they do to the best of my knowledge. She had to produce the decree before we could get married.

SarahSassy

You come across as very domineering.. Is she trying to rebel a little because of this?

Trinity

Strange one alright OP

Does she ask your permission for everything she does? Do you often tell her no?

Maybe thats why suzzie doesnt like you, perhaps she thinks you are controlling her friend

as for the secrecy regarding the marriage i really dont know

have you spoken to her at length about this? Does she know its as serious as you contemplating divorce?

rantyface

Are you rich or something? She's acting very strangely.

LegacyUser

Domineering ? I don't really think so, how many domineering men have to ask their wife to tell there male friends who visit the home to inform them that we are now married ... this came abot because she told me one of them gave me the nickname of "The Lodger". As you can work out the house belongs to my wife. I however earn almost twice as much.
I say no when I feel it is the right thing to say.
Since I have been married Ive beendown town twice I always ensure that I'm home before midnight, the wife usually gets back from town 2:30 -3:00 am latest, I don't mind just wish that she would like to go out with me more often

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

Domineering ? I don't really think so, how many domineering men have to ask their wife to tell there male friends who visit the home to inform them that we are now married ... this came abot because she told me one of them gave me the nickname of "The Lodger". As you can work out the house belongs to my wife. I however earn almost twice as much.
I say no when I feel it is the right thing to say.
Since I have been married Ive beendown town twice I always ensure that I'm home before midnight, the wife usually gets back from town 2:30 -3:00 am latest, I don't mind just wish that she would like to go out with me more often

Well sure you need a life together, anyone would be unhappy and paranoid with all that going on. Did you ask her out straight OP?

How was she fixed financially when you married her?

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

3. My Wife has not changed her name, I have asked her to. She is only known by my name in kids school letters. All official documents are still in her name;Driving licence, banks, bills, passport, work e.t.c.

This is what made me think you were domineering.

LegacyUser

Financially my Wife was struggling, but she is'nt financially orientated whatsoever ... 1 of her many good points.

Salome

Tbh, I'd feel a little uneasy too - I don't think it's unreasonable to want your wife to acknowledge the fact that you're married by changing official documents.

Can I ask a question - are you both from the same area? Are you new to the area and new to her friends?

LegacyUser

We have known each other for about 9 years she has been divorced for 7 years before we got married.
One of the reasons I feel a bit stupid is I used to be an IT Consultant, I worked all over the country and sometimes abroad.
When we got married I gave it all up because I felt that I needed to go to work and come everyday to give our marriage a sound foundation & also so I can see my children regularly. I took up a job in a local blue chip company but at a 75% drop from my previous earning capacity.
I feel (Rightly or Wrongly) that I have made sacrifices for which are not appreciated.

Reesy

Unregistered wrote: »

3. My Wife has not changed her name, I have asked her to. She is only known by my name in kids school letters. All official documents are still in her name;Driving licence, banks, bills, passport, work e.t.c.

Hmmm, well, IMHO, changing one's name to one's husband's is not really something one should expect, I think - like men wearing wedding rings, it's a matter of personal choice. I can't fault her for that particular point.

On the broader issue, I suggest that talking it out (with the help iof a relationship counsellor?) could help you both work out where each is coming from & reach an agreement on your relationship rules.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

So what do you all think about the Suzzie "Saga".
Am I wrong in asking my wife not to go on the trip ?

King of Kings

SarahSassy wrote: »

This is what made me think you were domineering.

wtf are you on SarahSassy.

the guy sounds like a doormat if anything.

dude something is afoot.
she clearly married you for reasons other than love or she is nuts.

for your mental health you need to run.away.

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

Financially my Wife was struggling, but she is'nt financially orientated whatsoever ... 1 of her many good points.

Maybe not in the way of designer clothes and jewellery but what about bills/mortgage, she clearly has a few bob to spend if shes down in the town and wanting girly holidays she is obviously more secure with you around

Do you feel its a possibility you are being used for security?

I wouldnt like this situation one bit nor would i stand for it, in fact my confidence would be shattered wondering if my spouse was ashamed/embarrassed by me

I only asked about the controlling bit as in the few sentences she asked you to go somewhere and you said no so you have to understand how that reads as well regardless of the reasoning behind it

Trinity

well to be fair to Suzzie, its obvious your wife has told her something about you for her to start to dislike you, whether its truth or fabricated i dont know but if my friend was disrespectful to my OH for no good reason i would most definately ask what their problem was, but she wont ask cos she already knows

Its not looking good OP i would advise you to get off the net and go talk to your wife

I think rather than say no to your wife you should say we have more pressing issues to deal with so put it on hold til we sort our marraige out!!