Advice please Lads - New BF - No lead in his pencil

LegacyUser

We've been dating for about 8 weeks now and things are going really well, he's a great guy and we have a good time together and enjoy each others company.

Last night he came over to my place for the first time (all our dates had been at "neutral" venues). It was a spur of the moment thing and I honestly didn't expect sex, hadn't done the usual girlie preparations or even tidied my room, just thought it would be pizza and a DVD.

We were on the sofa and things started to get a bit hot and heavy and the enjoyment appeared to be completely mutual so the moment felt right to ask him if he wanted to go upstairs. He readily agreed and off we went. I couldn't help but notice that while he appeared to be enthusiastic about it, his body didn't seem to be coming up with the goods, if you see what I mean. But I assumed he knew what he was doing and that he'd get going in a bit.

He definitely wanted to have sex and even left the bedroom to go back downstairs for condoms and there was no pressure from my side ... for reasons I won't go into, I haven't had sex for 3 years so while I am of course looking forward to it, I'm not in a particular hurry. I don't feel any nervousness about it either, just happy to let it happen in good time.

But a while later, still nothing was happening so I asked him if everything was OK and he said he was grand but this had happened to him before and it would take him some weeks to "get past it".

As I said, I wasn't in any particular hurry to have sex and he clearly wanted to so I don't think I put pressure on him to perform or anything like that. I guess I don't understand why he was so enthusiastic and yet took so long to realise it wasn't going to happen when it seemed clear to me that things weren't going according to plan.

He's a great guy and I want to move things forward, but I have no intention of getting into a long term relationship with someone who can't have sex with me. I'm not rushing to dump him but I'd love to have some insight from some men about this situation and/or about how to deal with it.

Rb

Sounds like his nerves got the best of him, it can happen to all of us and particularly at the start of a new relationship.

He'll get over it, don't make a big deal of it and it'll probably happen quicker.

LegacyUser

Hmm...it's almost certainly psychological on his part and, like he said, it might just take him a little time to get over it.

Personally, I can never ejaculate the first two or three times that I'm with a particular girl. It just won't happen no matter what she does, but I explain to her that this is 'normal' for me, and it is. After the second or third time everything returns to normal for me. It's possible that your partner experiences something similar, only for him he can't get hard.

Kiera

Just sounds like stage fright. I wouldn’t worry about it or make a big deal of it. I’m sure it’ll happen when he’s a bit more relaxed.

seamus

Men, like women will usually need to be able to relax with a partner before they can reach "full performance". It's not that he's not comfortable with you, but his mind will have a million things going on at once.

irish_goat

What age are you both?

domcq

No sex in three years! - and you were in no rush?? Maybe he picked up on your unenthusiastic approach.

ogriofa

Cake_Or_Death wrote: »

He's a great guy and I want to move things forward, but I have no intention of getting into a long term relationship with someone who can't have sex with me.

Maybe he's picking up on that. And Im sure you've tried not to put pressure on him, but maybe its performance anxiety mixed with a bit of that?
If it happens again, make him feel totally relaxed and pretend to forget about it for the night, then be very "receptive" to any touch and you'll get the desired result.

LegacyUser

This usually happens to me also when I'm with a girl the first few times. Please be adviced, this could go on for the first 4 or 5 lovemaking "attempts", or even more if you make him feel it's an "issue".

I personally use SNIP to help me get past the erection issues - so at least I can have sex - but ejaculation and totally feeling relaxed with a new person will always take me time. I don't understand how some guys can just have sex with and ejaculate with a totally new person...

As for his enthusiasm... well, I'm the same - I will feel really "into" a girl, and 100% want to have sex. And then my hardon comes... and goes... and comes back... so it keeps teasing me... it's like "yes, I'm ready, lets go for it.."... "doh, no I'm actually not ready, hope she doesn't notice"... "yes, I'm ready again, lets try"... "ahhh... on second thoughts". Then it's "I'll go to the bathroom, and tantasise about her, and relax, then it'll come back 200%, and we'll have rip roaring sex"... then that doesn't work, and you just give up.

And understandably, in the above case the girl doesn't know what's going on!!

Wurly

My friend had this issue with her boyfriend when they started seeing each other first.

Not a bother on them now.

It was prob just stage fright as Kiera said. Try not to draw too much attention to it when it happens e.g. 'is everything okay?'. It will just make him feel worse and more unable to get his body to work for him.

Spend lots of time together in bed, even jut kissing and cuddling to get used to each other. Take things slow and have a laugh together. The rest should follow easily enough.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reassurance and feedback everyone, particularly to you DONALPLP … that all sounds very familiar. Of course I’m hoping (and assuming) it’s first-time nerves … except that he didn’t seem nervous at all! ;o)

I’m happy not to make a big deal of it and try again … we’ll take it slowly … as I said, no rush on my part.

Speaking of which:

“No sex in three years! - and you were in no rush?? Maybe he picked up on your unenthusiastic approach.”

Wow! Talk about “damned if you do, damned if you don’t!” If I'd said I dragged him upstairs you'd probably be moaning about me putting too much pressure on him. There was nothing unenthusiastic about either of us, that’s the entire point! The only reason I mentioned that was to show that I'd waited that long so I could have waited a bit longer, he wasn't under any pressure!

LegacyUser

Cake_Or_Death wrote: »

Thanks for the reassurance and feedback everyone, particularly to you DONALPLP … that all sounds very familiar. Of course I’m hoping (and assuming) it’s first-time nerves … except that he didn’t seem nervous at all! ;o)

No, and neither do I. In fact it's weird, because you actually don't feel consciously nervous - it's subconscious. It's something happening at a deeper level of the mind and thus, it takes time and patience to resolve it.

For me, another thing that helped a lot was the approach to just decide not to have sex. For instance, if my gf had a period, I would be ultra turned on, because I knew that I wouldn't have to perform. So spend time in bed together, kissing touching. Regarding the ejaculation - believe it or not, getting him to masturbate and ejaculate close to you, or on you is another huge help. After doing this a few times, I was able to ejaculte in my gf for the first time. It was an amazing experience. I'd had sex so many times but never had ejaculated inside a woman... for me it takes time and patience.

But definitely, let him masturbate in your presense, or touch him and help him, then let him finish himself off... it will help the subconscious part of the mind, and the association will be made where he can feel more comfortable doing that with you. It just takes time to become "familiar" and 100% at ease with a partner... consciously, and subconsciously.

So I hope now you understand why he appeared to be non-shy - it's not shyness, but a subtle but crippling subconscious response and a pressure to perform (you aren't responsible, he is causing that pressure wihin himself).

Meditation helps by the way.

zxcvbnm1

I would as a male think there was nothing unusual about that.

If you want my avice the best thing you can do is to reassure him in a subtle way that it doesn't matter.
i.e.don't sit down and launch into a big spiel on how it doesn't matter.

Just play it cool and appear none too bothered if it comes up.(excuse the pun !)

In time it will definitely sort itself out.

LegacyUser

ive had countless one night stands were it be up in 2 mins ! however first girl i met that i had genuine feelings for an same thing happend to me ? maybe its sumthing to do with how he feels about yeah ?

LegacyUser

there's always pressure on a bloke, no matter what, even if your not putting it on, its always there in the back of his mind niggling away
as your in a new relationship its defo making it harder for him
give it time, he'll defo come round, he is keen afterall

LegacyUser

I wouldn't worry about it; altho I know its hard not to. My first proper boyfriend (wel 2nd but 1st I loved) had the exact same thing happen to him when we first started messin around and I was mortified, thought he didn fancy me, bla bla. He didnt really explain much, just said he didn kno what happened.

My current boyfriend also had the same thing happen on our first try. Obviously I was doubly mortified coz it was the 2nd time it happened, my boyf insisted he loved me and fancied me, that it was just nerves. 2years down the line, we haven had a bother since. Now that I know him more Im sure it was just nerves, he really liked me and was soooo shy back then altho I didn realise, til now when I see his true personality!!

After talkin wit girlfriends, same thing happened to them also - both sister and best friend. It even happened to my best friend a few times with the same guy so just let him know there's no pressure on him and u's will be grand!!

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

there's always pressure on a bloke, no matter what, even if your not putting it on, its always there in the back of his mind niggling away
as your in a new relationship its defo making it harder for him
give it time, he'll defo come round, he is keen afterall

Indeed. No reference to this OP, but it's typical of the way life is now. Men so often get it in the neck when they can't spring into action in 2 minutes, yet they also get it in the neck for expecting the same from women. We have had years of tongue lashing (excuse the pun LOL) about warming our ladies up slowly and being patient etc etc... but nothing similar for us.
I'm older now and this happens a lot to me. Happily I did not suffer much from it when I was in my 20's but it is an extremely delicate issue for a guy who is suffering it, and needs real understanding and cooperation for the lady.

My advice to this OP is, as you agreed, be patient. Also be proactive in foreplay with him. Try to be more saucy than you would normally have expected to be early on, and I am sure he will rise to the occasion

All th best.