Didn't know Ex had a BF when we hooked up

LegacyUser

Long story short, me and my ex(both 20) broke up 3 years ago but since have been getting with each other on and off (basically everytime we're both home from college) and were practically in a half-relationship but never said we'd go steady because of the distance (I'm in the UK, she's in Dublin) and the fact that I see her about 4 times a year excluding summer. I'd would guess that we'd be together, or at least would have made an effort, if we lived close to each other. We stayed in regular contact throughtout college and came to visit each other but never discussed what went on with other people. She did tell me that she had started seeing a guy about a month ago and just wanted to let me know before anything serious happened. Fair enough I thought and when I saw her last week I was aware that they were probably still seeing each other, if only casually. She had reservations about me taking her out for dinner as it might seem like a date but came anyway. After that we went for a drink with some other friends and I dropped her home in a taxi. She's away for 12 weeks this summer(leaving this week) so I went into her house to say my goodbyes which ended up being a long period of us lying together on her couch and generally being quite friendly though when I kissed her she was very reserved and it lasted about 20 seconds before she pulled away and apologised. Fair enough again I thought(things with this other guy must be a little serious I reckoned) but we carried on lying on each other, playing with each others hair and chatting about how things might be different if we lived in the same city. I really get the impression that she'd take me over this guy anyday but she did tell me she didn't want "half a boyfriend". Then when I go to leave we kiss again, properly and end up getting with each other.

Now I've just found out that the other guy is in fact her boyfriend and she doesn't want me to tell anyone in case he finds out (we have mutual friends it seems).

I can't understand why she never outright told me she had a bf (because I wouldn't have tried anything if I'd known). She had plenty of chances to mention it and all the while we were on the couch it certainly didn't seem like she had one. Couple that with the fact that her last bf cheated on her I'd expect better of her...

Finally I'm planning on moving to within about an hour of her but have yet to tell her, mainly because I didn't know how things were with this other guy. So my problem as well is do I tell her when she gets back or do I just wait for her to finish with this guy (can't see it lasting) and then tell her.

thanks for reading.

Wibbs

Sounds like she's hedging her bets TBH. My take on this is she should píss of get off the pot and make a decision one way or the other. Chances are she won't so then it comes down to you. What do you want?

If you want her back then lay it on the line. Tell her and tell her your plans. If she's still "confused", leave her to her confusion, walk away and if and when she decides she'll likely waste no time seeking you out.

LegacyUser

As someone who has been in a similar situatio I would agree with Wibbs. Tell her what you want and then wait for an answer. Don't stand for this "I'm confused" business. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

After spending months discussing getting back together with an ex (up to the point where I was looking for somewhere to live in her city) I discovered she had a boyfriend she never told me about. This led to months of "But I love you"....."I'm confused"....."etc. etc."

I, like a fool, let her away with it for ages. All the time she's playing happy couples with him while telling me I'm the love of her life. Complete nonsense really and I think she was just using me to test how serious he was about her. I in the end had to pressure her to give me a definite answer knowing full well it would be a 'no', but needing to hear it so I could get on with my own life.

So OP - don't make the same mistakes I made. Tell her what you want and then if she's still "confused" then walk away and while it may hurt your head will be a lot better for it.

LegacyUser

*bit of a bump*

OP here, cheers for the replies guys. I think before I tell her about my plans/figure out what I want to tell her I need to know why she never said this guy was her boyfriend. He did come up in conversation at one point and she had plenty of time regardless so I'm going to be blunt and ask her straight out. Problem is that I can only contact her now over facebook, email or maybe msn/facebook chat. Is this maybe not the sort of thing that goes down well on internet talk though?

Liam Byrne

Unregistered OP wrote: »

Is this maybe not the sort of thing that goes down well on internet talk though?

Better to have it going down on the internet than walking in on them while trying to surprise her!

Just don't expect any answers.

You might actually be better off just leaving it. She was dishonest with you, so what makes you think she'd suddenly become honest with you ?

Terodil

Liam Byrne wrote: »

You might actually be better off just leaving it. She was dishonest with you, so what makes you think she'd suddenly become honest with you ?

Yeah I wondered about that one too, Liam. I mean, she actually cheated on her bf, if not physically, but emotionally.

If I were you, OP, and assuming you want to be together with this girl, I would tell her that you have had enough of the dishonesty and obscurity and that honesty and transparency is a requirement for anything more serious. If she wants to be your girlfriend, she needs to provide clarity for all now. You don't want to be the third in a menage-a-trois or the couple breaker. If she goes on about not wanting 'half a boyfriend' (lolwut, but that's a personal aside), you can tell her that that is something that you two can consider *together* once she has made the decision. She cannot expect you to relocate into thin air, so to speak.

I mean honestly, OP, the more I'm thinking about this the more I'm wondering why you were even considering moving over there at this stage. Looking at it objectively, you have nothing but a fling with a girl in another country, and she isn't even willing to tell anybody because she is still in a fixed relationship. And you are willing to give up *everything* in your old home in the hopes that this *might* work? OP, please take a step back, and look at the situation again. Going out on a limb here but honestly? I think you have lost view of your self-worth.

LegacyUser

OP again, just might be good to point out that I'm not moving to within an hour to specifically be with her, that's just where college happens to be.

I can totally understand her reluctance to stay close with me, as all it is doing is making her want to be in a relationship with me when realistically we can't.

Going to send her an email tomorrow and be full and frank(if I don't get chatting to her today online) so will let you'se know.

LegacyUser

u knew she was seeing someone.... u didnt know how serious it was ok.. WHATS THE BIG DEAL HERE....serious or not if u really cared about a third party u wouldnt hav been with her. stop making an issue out of it. she hasnt cheated on u ye were not an item. she has tho cheated on him which leads me 2 believe she obviously loves u.


tell her about ur plans.. tell her u had them made before this happened. tell her u love her tell her u want 2 be with her...

whats the worst that can happen.. she will say no. but at least u will know. please say everything 2 her that u want 2 say dont think back like i am now.. if only id said this if only i hadnt made an issue about this. i regrett it every day of my life and it was nearly ten yrs ago. i stayed quiet i made issues out of things that id no right to make issues out of. im paying 4 it now she married the other guy dont make my mistake..

let us no how u got on.