What's past is prologue

LegacyUser

I think I need advice. I realize that everything I’m about to say will probably not matter much to anyone reading it, but I feel like if it’s never said, then I’ll never be able to see truth. My hope is that by laying bare everything that’s happened to me over the course of the past year, I’ll be able to gain some insight. I’ve tried months of patient introspection and though I feel as if my decisions have been justified, (and ultimately correct, but I’ll get to that in a second) I still can’t help but feel the need for some type of affirmation, be it positive or negative. Now that I’ve prefaced my story with a small explanation, this is where my request for advice comes in.

I had been in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. When I say long distance, I don’t mean a state or two away (I’m from the States), I mean he lived in another country altogether. It sounds crazy and probably intriguing and honestly, it was, but that didn’t really bother either of us much. For me, I was used to it. We met through my boyfriend at the time. In fact, the two of them were best friends, so we hung out quite frequently. I was with my ex for about 6 years when we finally decided to get engaged. It didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time, in fact the two of us would later say that it seemed like the most natural thing to do, but any test of a long distance relationship - no matter how good, is whether or not it can last months of being apart. Needless to say it crumbled after about 4 months. He was preparing himself to move over here and he dreaded every second of it. Eventually, all of our approvals came through and he came over three months before we were to get married. The same night he came into town he told me he was in love with someone else and had in fact been cheating on me for the past couple months. SSSOOOOOO skipping past all the heartbreak and crying and feeling like I’d wasted so much time and love on someone (I’ve since left this bitterness behind) I relied heavily on my friends and ended up becoming very close with my ex’s best friend, who was also going through a similarly hard break up.

Most people get in relationships and they have to figure out their partner’s little quirks and issues. I pretty much knew his from the start. Years of knowing each other will do that for you. However, it didn’t stop me from doing what most women do, you try to help them. I felt that perhaps being with me would change his mind about a lot of things. I knew going into our relationship that he had major self esteem issues. For reasons he didn’t always share, he truly believed he was an awful person. I tried to do what anyone who loves another would do, I reassured him that he was in fact, wonderful and that I saw qualities in him that I loved. I have to say that he can be stubborn when he believes something, so this one he never let go of. He also never let go of the fact that he didn’t want children ever. Not “maybe someday”, not “I’m scared to be a father”…EVER. I also cannot tell you how much that word should be stressed. We had MANY arguments over it. I was never paranoid about having kids, though I do want them in the next few years. But the moment someone tells you, you can’t have this; it suddenly becomes the only thing you think about. While everyone around me was having children, all I could imagine was a life without them. Of course I brought these fears up to my boyfriend because that’s what you do. I wanted to share how important it was to me for him to at least be OPEN to it. During one particularly long and drawn out discussion, I tearfully sat in his lap and begged him to change his mind. I tried every way I could to get him to just trust me when I told him he’d be happy about our children, if he’d give it half a chance. Instead he told me he wouldn’t love it, he didn’t want them, that he didn’t know if he could put himself through it and he’d probably end up miserable and leaving us because every child ruins a relationship- so why do that to ourselves? What I guess he didn’t realize that day was, when I told him I would have to leave if he still felt that way later on, I meant it. That’s a deal breaker for me. Call it selfish, but it is. I usually back down, but this was one thing I felt really strongly about. I was hell bent on waiting him out because he would end up wanting a family with me eventually, right? Then I started to think that maybe he really was telling me the truth. Perhaps he really wouldn’t love his own children. I’d be responsible for making him miserable and in turn, our kids would grow up having a parent that they can tell doesn’t love them. I didn’t have the best upbringing and I felt like it was irresponsible to consider bringing a child up under those circumstances WILLINGLY, just because I wanted kids and he very obviously, didn’t.

For months I kept thinking about this. Around November of last year I told him that if he couldn’t change his mind, I couldn’t be with him. It wasn’t meant to persuade him. I said it so he knew that this was something I was willing to fight for and if in the end he still felt the same, then I’d have to leave. I wasn’t sure I could stick to it. Like I said before, I often give in, but I knew I’d only end up resenting him for not allowing me to have a family with the man I love. He was supposed to come and see me in a few months, but he had been putting off doing it. I thought it was because I’d told him that before he came, I wanted him to seriously think about our future. I wanted us to move into a future TOGETHER wanting the same things and was hoping that we’d address it once he was here. He told me because of this he was dreading coming over, which is why he’d been putting it off. I was heartbroken and seriously confused. I didn’t know if telling him the truth about leaving was something I should have done, but I felt like he deserved to know that this was an important part of my life that I wanted him to be there with me for …as a partner. Some people have since told me that if you have to give an ultimatum, then you should just leave right then and there. I couldn’t though. I loved him. I didn’t think there’d be a guy like him who I could ever be crazy about, who made me laugh and feel loved and who *I* loved. I couldn’t imagine there being anyone out there who could fill that role. So I stayed. Maybe it was out of the fear of trying to seek out someone who wanted the same things I did out of life, but I prefer to think I stayed because I loved him and I had hope that he would come to the conclusion that he was willing to take a huge leap with me, on his own. He never did. Finally we had one last argument where he said he didn’t know how much clearer he could make it for me, he DIDN’T. WANT. KIDS!
As much as I hated to admit how stupid I’d been for believing he may change his mind, it all became crystal clear. So I said the one thing I’d feared and dreaded saying. I told him I had to leave and that it’d probably be best for him to not come at all to see me. At first he argued with me, trying to get me to see how stupid I was being for wanting to end it. Then after about 3 days of crying all day, sleeping little and sticking to what I said, he suddenly changed his mind. He wanted me to stay with him and he was willing to have a child with me. He even said he’d try for one ASAP. He was saying everything I’d wanted to hear him say the entire time we were together! The only problem was, it felt so motivated by the fear of losing me, that none of it seemed real. I felt like I’d be a fool to believe it. Four months down the road and I still feel the same way. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do so far in my 27 years of living. I know that I’ll have to face more excruciating things, but for now, this is the one thing that plagues me every day. I hate that I know he’s suffering and I hate that I know it’s because I won’t back down. The only thing I can do to change how he’s feeling is to trust what he’s been telling me, but I don’t. Months down the line and I don’t. I’ve spoken to everyone I can think of. Even people who want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth, say it’d be hard for me to trust anything he says. He now says that his words before weren't concrete. That he was just scared. I don't believe that. He was so adamant and said so many awful things that my confidence and trust in a future with him is shaky now. I just don’t think a relationship can be stable on that kind of a foundation of doubt. What’s more, I don’t think a parenting partnership can be achieved on that kind of doubt. So though it left me back at square one completely obliterated and alone, I had to leave. I had to trade one risk for another, but at least I feel somewhat confident about this one. I just feel like I’ve killed him and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do in this world. Sorry for sounding dramatic. He’s tried to contact me many times since our break up, but I’ve been basically unable to talk to him. I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over and that I’m hurting him every time. Instead, I’ve taken to silence, which I know is almost as bad as repetition, but people I talk to say it’s the best thing for him- not to talk to me. Lately I’ve not been able to remain unresponsive and I swear it’s made him worse. Am I really a horrible person for leaving because we didn’t want the same things? Am I really an awful person because I don’t believe him when he suddenly changes his tune after years of expressing negativity and certainty? I just don’t see how things can go back to what they were.

iguana

I'm going to assume this is on the level and not an elaborate troll.

I believe your ex posted on this board in February about how he was feeling about your break up and how in the aftermath his opinion about having children has possibly changed. I think you should read it through, assess how you feel about things after reading his side of the story and give him a call and talk about things. He seems to have genuinely done a lot of soul searching about children and his fears. Assuming this is the same guy, which it appears to be as your stories are identical, I think you probably could trust him to build a future and have a family with.

If you still love him your relationship has as good a shot as any.

http://ww.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055500535

Good luck.

paperclip2

OP definately look at the thread that Iguana posted. It really looks like the other half of your story. After reading yours and his (potentially) I think ye have lots of talking left to do and based on both sets of posts I think your relationship is far from dead.

Good luck to you (and him).

SarahSassy

You love him and he has changed his mind to what you want. Take it and run.