Confused

LegacyUser

Don't really know where to begin with this so I will just blurt it out. Have been in a relationship for the past ten years and recently started having casual sex with a man who is also in a relationship and has children. I know this is wrong but i am looking for advice not judgement. We both agreed that it was just a casual thing and if one of us developed feelings for each other we would walk away (this was suggested by me) but the problem is im the one developing feelings and cant walk away. I don't know how i got myself into this mess im normally very level headed, i know these feelings are wrong and we can never be together he can never replace my partner and i can't replace his or his children yet i still have these strong feelings for him the sex isn't even that good but i can't stay away. I haven't heard from him today and feel like a love sick teenager wondering if he is avoiding me or thinking about me I'm really confused and would like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation

Thanks

Hman09

you should be shot! And if you survive, be shot again!:mad:

LegacyUser

END IT NOW..and invest your time in your partner...................I speak from experience !!!!

Zaph

Hman09 wrote: »

you should be shot! And if you survive, be shot again!:mad:

Hman, before you post again in PI I suggest you acquaint yourself with the part of the charter dealing with unhelpful and off-topic posts.

Hman09

she should be shot

Nervous Wreck

^^That's gonna end well.........


OP, how do you feel about your partner? I'm guessing not very strongly....?

Wibbs

Hman09 take a week off to cool down.

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't really know where to begin with this so I will just blurt it out. Have been in a relationship for the past ten years and recently started having casual sex with a man who is also in a relationship and has children. I know this is wrong but i am looking for advice not judgement. We both agreed that it was just a casual thing and if one of us developed feelings for each other we would walk away (this was suggested by me) but the problem is im the one developing feelings and cant walk away. I don't know how i got myself into this mess im normally very level headed, i know these feelings are wrong and we can never be together he can never replace my partner and i can't replace his or his children yet i still have these strong feelings for him the sex isn't even that good but i can't stay away. I haven't heard from him today and feel like a love sick teenager wondering if he is avoiding me or thinking about me I'm really confused and would like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation

Thanks

Hi! Enjoy the sex, because the rest of your life is going to be crap.

You know that feeling..where you..eh..."feel like a love sick teenager wondering if he is avoiding me or thinking about me I'm really confused " - yeah that one - get used to that.

If he was going to leave his wife, he would have done it already. You are not, and never will be, any more than a bit on the side. I would suggest that if you "can't walk away" you get used to it, because that's how it's going to be.

You know the score. You know he's married and that he's not suitable for a relationship. If you're that selfish that you decide you're going for it anyway, you might as well know what you're in for.

Wibbs

I agree with tbh, though I would add maybe the OP wants it like this. She wants to be his bit on the side and he hers. It's exciting and can never be reduced to what she may see as the mundane everyday relationship stuff. That's the attraction I suspect. At least some of it.

Karen_*

Why would you get into a casual thing with someone when neither of you had any feelings for each other to begin with? Especially knowing that if either of your partners were to find out then they would be devastated.

Cut off contact with him and then really ask yourself why you would want to cause pain for two innocent people just because you felt like it. No feelings even compelling you.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't really know where to begin with this so I will just blurt it out. Have been in a relationship for the past ten years and recently started having casual sex with a man who is also in a relationship and has children. I know this is wrong but i am looking for advice not judgement. We both agreed that it was just a casual thing and if one of us developed feelings for each other we would walk away (this was suggested by me) but the problem is im the one developing feelings and cant walk away. I don't know how i got myself into this mess im normally very level headed, i know these feelings are wrong and we can never be together he can never replace my partner and i can't replace his or his children yet i still have these strong feelings for him the sex isn't even that good but i can't stay away. I haven't heard from him today and feel like a love sick teenager wondering if he is avoiding me or thinking about me I'm really confused and would like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation

Thanks

You act like this just 'happened' to you and you have no control of the situation.

1. This didnt just happen. You ALLOWED it to happen. Take responsibility. YOU got yourself into this mess.

2. You can control yourself and this situation by walking away. You control you. No-one else does. Or am I wrong?

3. Stop being so despicably selfish. Think of his wife. How you would feel if you were her. Think of his children and how you are helping to wreck their home life. Of course, he is to blame too.

4. This is my advice. You won't get people being much nicer to you than this i'm afraid. What you are doing is utterly despicable and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Get a bit of self respect and walk away for god sake!

Rb

I agree with Wibbs and Tbh.

You're going to be used and abused and then thrown away as he sees fit, so either get used to that or sort yourself out.

Haven't anything nice to say so will leave it at that

Wibbs

Karen_* wrote: »

Why would you get into a casual thing with someone when neither of you had any feelings for each other to begin with? Especially knowing that if either of your partners were to find out then they would be devastated.

Cut off contact with him and then really ask yourself why you would want to cause pain for two innocent people just because you felt like it. No feelings even compelling you.

I would say it's all for the buzz. The OP admits she won't leave the partner and he won't leave his and the sex isn't even that great. After ten years in her relationship, any buzz is lone gone there and hasn't been replaced enough by the long term low level buzz. Enter stage right a stranger, she finds him attractive, he gives her attention that she's probably not had in 5 years. She almost can't believe it. That adds up to a new excitement for her, in a place in her life she thought long gone and that she was lacking.

Now its easy for us all to sit in judgement(I am tbh), but we're not living her life and when you've been in a relationship for ten years it's one helluva different beast and an entirely different dynamic than one that's only going two or three.

When in love it's all too easy to take issue and be all "how dare you/I'd never do that/that's despicable" etc, but when it's long term love/partnership it's not so easy and not so balck and white. Being in love is all about the black and white, loving someone for life is all about the greys. I can guarantee there are men and women reading this now in similarly long relationships that may not be having affairs, but know her reasons for doing so.

So how does she solve this? First off acknowledge what she's feeling and why. Look at ways of trying to get some of that excitement back in her own relationship. Back off completely from this affair. Nip it in the bud. If she needs to use these new emotions, then channel them into the relationship. Even have it is your little fantasy, but keep it that way. If you value your relationship and the family you've built you need to stay away from this guy.

Wurly

That's a great post, Wibbs. Extremely fair and constructive, especially given the issue at hand here.

Fair play.;)